7 Favorite Ideas For Sleep, Anxiety, Meltdowns, School, Homework & Impulsivity #530

0:00So I hope I don't get in trouble for this, because I just decided to rename the Cozy Earth Classic Cuddle Blanket to the Cozy Earth Calm Cuddle Blanket. You know why? Because look, when your kids are upset, sometimes try this. Just walk into the living room, wrap yourself in. It's so indulgent and plush and unbelievably soft, this Cozy Earth cuddle blanket. Lay under there. If your child comes under with you, it will be instantly calm. You will connect. It is awesome. Go to CozyEarth.com. Use code CALM for 20 % off. So one night, just wrap up in this heavenly blanket. Don't say a word. Before you know it, your kids will come and snuggle.

0:39It is instantly calming. Mrs. Calm and I have a daily routine. We lie under the blanket and talk with no distractions for just 15 minutes. Being under that cozy earth, calm cuddle blanket is the best part of the day. Then again, I live in the heavenly softness of cozy earth, bamboo joggers, pullovers, PJs, and hoodies all day long. I've got them on right now. Cozy Earth is my wardrobe. So head to CozyEarth.com and use my code CALM for up to 20 % today. So does your child need help with a particular subject in school? I encourage you to check out IXL.com slash Kirk. Do you have a child who is bored and wants to work ahead?

1:20IXL gives you that flexibility. IXL is an online learning program that can be used by any student from K to 12. What I personally like about IXL is that your child can explore any topic in any grade level. And no matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way they learn best while meeting them at their level. So whether your child needs extra help with a class or wants to work ahead, IXL provides the positive feedback our kids crave. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk.

2:08Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So I just got off a Zoom presentation with this school where I trained the parents and teachers and gave them probably 20 to 25 strategies to help in the classroom and at home and I thought well shoot why don't I do like five of my favorite ideas and so what's going to happen though I know in this podcast is I'll probably try to fit in like seven or eight of them but let's do that so that's what we're going to discuss on today's episode the Calm Parenting Podcast so welcome this is Kirk Martin founder of Celebrate Calm you can find us in our big fall sale at celebrate calm.com so let's just jump into this and by the way if you do ever want to do our zoom training it is so much less expensive than me coming in person because then i have to travel it's many days and hotels and all of those things just reach out to casey c-a-s-e-y at celebrate calm.com and we are coming to texas next march so if you're interested let us know because while we're there let's meet you in person it's really cold, lots of good energy, and you will definitely feel like you're not alone because you'll see all these other parents who have the same issues.

3:20So I'm going to try to do a bunch of different ideas for kids of all ages. So let's start with that. Just go through the ages. Toddler age kids, please understand. Look, I've got a lot of guys who are always like, well, when's my toddler going to start to be responsible? I'm like, dude, I want you to write a job description for a toddler. And I do that with men. And then they come back and they're like, well, their job is to be curious and explore and make messes and ruin your agenda. Because everything, every day is new to them. You can't put them on some timeline and they're not going to think through things.

3:58And so their job is to make messes and to play a lot. Enjoy that time. They have the rest of their lives to be responsible and miserable like the rest of us. So, you know what I'm saying? Elementary school age, they're going to be impulsive. That's their job, is to see things and then try new things. That's how they learn. For those of you who are older, go back and watch the TV show, Leave it to Beaver. It was the story of a kid who every single day did stupid stuff because he was curious about it and he wanted to try that. So one of the two things I'd say for as kids get a little bit older, one is teach them impulse control, practice impulse control, even making them wait 30 seconds or a minute before they do something.

4:48Delayed gratification. I've been through this a lot on different episodes, even with screens of like, hey, if you turn your screens off three minutes early tonight, I'll give you an additional nine minutes on that tomorrow. Because they're having to decide and saying, okay, can I delay gratification right now to get something more later? And then give them tools to succeed. And I'll show you what that looks like when I get to a classroom example. Middle school. Please know this. Most middle school, if you're listening to this on a weekday evening, here's what your middle school boy especially is doing.

5:26Nothing. Not doing chores, not doing his homework. He's sitting in his hoodie sweatshirt, the same one he's worn for 18 straight days, probably playing video games. Because that's what they do. Am I saying it's right? No. But it's pretty typical. It's a hibernation phase. Because middle school kids, they're not little kids anymore. But they're also not like juniors and seniors in high school. And they're dealing with all the hormones. And it's overwhelming. And what I don't want you to do, I don't want all of your anxiety to dump on them. I'm like, oh, you're capable of so much more if you would just apply yourself.

5:59Because what happens is you start to notice everything that they're not doing well. And that's what you focus on. And these kids will shut down even more and you'll ruin your relationship. So for those kids, I really mean this. Listen to them. Just listen to them talk. A lot of it's going to be inane stuff that they're going through and all this drama. But listen to them and affirm every single good choice that you can find in them. And then, forgive me, shut your mouth. That's it for those kids. As kids get into high school, it's more about internal motivation. And again, same with the middle school kids.

6:38I want you to listen a lot and I want you to be able to impart your wisdom. Here's one of my favorite ways to do it. Teenager comes and shares something. Usually we're like, oh, let me give you lecture 43B about how to choose good friends. Instead, I like to say, hey, you know what? I appreciate you sharing that with me. I've got to go to the garage. I'm going to go start on dinner. Hey, if you want to come grab me later, I'll be happy to share my thoughts with you. That way, if, if, if they do come to you and just know they're going to come to you and say, okay, what are your stupid ideas? Don't get offended by that.

7:12Don't take it personally. Now they've opened their hearts and they've asked you for your wisdom. So just know this, whether your child is a toddler or in the teen years, everything's new to them. They're just learning how to, they're just doing this phase of their lives for the very first time. Just like maybe you're being a parent for the first time or the parent of two kids for the first time. Or maybe you're just turned 40 and now you're in a new stage of life. We're all just figuring this stuff out. So be patient with yourself and be patient with these kids. Okay, second thing, and this is huge.

7:52we go through this oftentimes on five different steps to calm upset kids but I just want to choose one of those steps because it's a really important concept and parents I was going to say mess this up all the time and I didn't want to say it like that but they do and it's this your kids you have really intense kids and so these are kids who get visions for things right like I want to build this. I want to do this. And they're very intense. And so when they mess up, guess what? Their reaction is very intense. And that's a good thing in life because people who do great things in life, they're usually pretty intense.

8:34And so that means you're going to have intense upside and intense downside. And so here's the setup. You have a child loves to tinker with things, build with things all day at school, probably not paying attention that much, but was just thinking about like oh when I get home I'm going to build a catapult or a paper airplane so they come home they build their paper airplane they throw it doesn't fly the way they expect it you know our kids are like this when things don't go their way if they have a vision for something and they and it just doesn't like when they're building with something it's not going the right way how many of your kids do this they just will take all those legos or building blocks and just crumble it and they'll knock it all down and you're like why did you do that you just spent like an hour building that and you just ruined it that's the intensity i'm not saying it's right or wrong it just is that's the child that you have and so they throw the airplane it doesn't fly the right way so they get up and what do they do they're going to crumple up that paper and they're going to start saying like stupid airplane why can't i even build that i'm stupid and that really freaks you out.

9:40So most good parents will come in the room and say, oh honey, that was a good airplane. And your child's going to look at you like, duh, if it were a good airplane, it would have flown the right way. And then you're going to get offended because they're being kind of disrespectful to you. But that's not what's really happening. You just kind of misread that a little bit. And that really sweet tone, I will tell you with the strong-willed kids, I know many of you have been taught that like, well, we just need to be empathetic with our children. And that's a lovely thought. And do it with that with your compliant, easygoing kids all day long, and they'll cuddle with you.

10:15And it's wonderful. But your strong will kids will often hear that as you being condescending and weak, and you're not really getting them. So positive intensity. I walk into that room say, oh, man, if I were you, I'd be frustrated too. You were thinking about that airplane all day long. You come home, you put a lot of time into building that, and then it doesn't fly right. Oh, that's frustrating. See, that intense validation is extremely calming because what the child hears is, oh, you get it. Because oftentimes we do with our kids what husbands often do with their wives. Oh, honey, it's no big deal.

10:55You know what? That was just an airplane. It's not a big deal. Oh yeah, it is a big deal to me. And we misread that because it may not seem like a big deal to us, but it's a big deal to them. So when I validate with intensity and say, oh, I'd be frustrated too. Watch what I didn't say. I didn't say, so if I were you, I'd punch a hole in the wall. I'd hit your sister because some of your kids do those things and that's where they need the intensity and some of your kids went to calm them down they need intense physical sensory exercise so usually i follow that oh i'd be frustrated too with hey i'm gonna go get a drink i need to go to the bathroom because those were nice go-tos to get me out of the room and i give my child space they need space to wrestle with their emotions and frustration without us standing over them, watching them in the midst of their shame and embarrassment and all this emotion.

11:56And you're also not giving them eye contact by doing that. So I know that's not all five steps, but work on that. Practice that this week. It's really cool. Okay, number three. This will be kind of a quick one. Most of you have heard this before, but if you haven't, try it sometime in the morning instead of, hey, come on, get up for school. It's time to go to that place where you're on red all the time and you don't always connect with kids your own age and you're bored or you have dyslexia or dysgraphia so school's extra hard or you're bored there wait can't can't you wait to go get up and they don't want to go and many of your kids have sensory issues and so putting clothes on and brushing their teeth it's all big hassle in the morning so one of my favorite things ever is just to wake especially younger kids up and say hey bet you can't find where i hid your breakfast this morning.

12:44Hide something in the backyard. I don't care if they have to get up and forage for it. I love them foraging for food. Maybe going through an obstacle course, digging for it, climbing for it. Sensory kids, that's awesome before school. I don't care if you live somewhere like we do where it's going to be snowy this winter. Throw it out in the snow. Let them go out. They're not going to die. Okay. And so now guess what happens? Now their brain first thing in the morning is not focused on what they don't want to do and what they're not good at doing. Oh, now I've got a mission. I've got a challenge.

13:16I've got a problem solve. I've got to find that. And when they do, it's tactile. They find it. There's a sense of accomplishment. And they get to sit outside and eat their breakfast by themselves. Many of your kids would absolutely love that. And I'm not being funny with this, but you and your more compliant kids now get to do what? Sit inside and eat without the very strong-willed one complaining about what you fix for breakfast and complaining about things. Everybody's happy. Is it the ideal leave it to beaver where Ward and June and two kids are going to sit at breakfast and start the day talking about gratitude and all the wonderful things?

13:52I love that ideal, but it's not usually happening with a strong-willed child. So you have to do what works for your family, not what everybody else is doing, and if foraging for food in the basement or backyard or someone else's backyard works, then by all means, do it. Okay, what about the classroom? Let me give you a couple tools here that you can share with teachers. You know your child better than anyone, so when something shifts, like they're suddenly anxious around meals, cutting out foods, losing weight, or their personality just feels different. Something more serious may be going on. When eating disorders show up, they can completely hijack a child's brain.

14:35That moodiness, withdrawal, combative behavior isn't them. It's the illness. The good news is the earlier you get support, the easier recovery is. And that's why I want to reintroduce you to Equip. Equip is a fully virtual eating disorder treatment program that brings best-in-class evidence-based care right to your home. Every family gets an entire team, a therapist, dietician, medical provider, and mentors who've been through this themselves. They're experts in treating all eating disorders, even lesser known ones like ARFID. There's no wait list. It's covered by most insurance plans, and you can talk to an expert right away to get answers.

15:13So if something in your gut is telling you to look deeper, listen to it. Visit equip.health.com to get a free consultation with Equip. That's equip.health.com. okay many of you have kids who struggle with impulse control and they're not going to sit all day and many of us have kids who are on red on that behavior chart and all school becomes and sometimes at home is well if you continue to do x you're going to lose recess you lose your special privileges and then kids eventually just give up because they're never successful and i mentioned before for elementary school kids especially but all kids i'd rather give them tools to be successful than just react to them messing up and then punishing them for failing.

15:59So I want to proactively give them tools to succeed. So here are a couple ideas. And even if you can't do these in the classroom, and I would share these with a child's teacher, it's one of the things I love about our training is we kind of go seamlessly between the classroom and the home, and you can apply these in both places. And it's kind of cool to train both at the same time so everybody's on the same page. And so here's a cool one I really like. So as a teacher, let's say I'm a teacher and I'm going to set this up with a teacher that's next door, is I put some backpacks in the back of my room.

16:34And I'm going to have a backpack filled with a bunch of books. Mine's red. Miss Henderson's is blue. And so a child who's struggling during class, and it might be that they're just struggling to sit still. It might be that they're kind of, you know, something happened with another kid or something that happened at home and they're just distracted or they're just kind of emotional that day, I can say, I might have a code word with them. I might have a secret signal with them that says, oh, I could really use your help right now. Could you do me a favor? Because our kids love helping other adults, just not us.

17:09And they like feeling like adults. They don't want to do kid stuff, but they'll do more kind of adult responsibilities. Hey, could you do me a favor? could you grab the red backpack back there and take that to Miss Henderson's class because she's got something for you. And now this child gets up, goes, picks up the backpack. Well, carrying a backpack is really good for meeting sensory processing needs. And when you work on shoulder stability of carrying a backpack, it often helps with fine motor skills and the writing process. And many of your kids struggle with dysgraphia. So, hey, could you use your help?

17:43Get that red one. So he goes, grabs a red backpack. It's a little bit heavy. Feels like a little bit of a challenge. Carries it next door to Miss Henderson's class. And she's like, oh, thank you so much. Could you take the blue one back to your teacher? And the child comes right back. It takes less than a minute of movement. But now two adults in the middle of the day get to say, oh, thank you. You're a good helper. Sometimes that success, that sense of accomplishment of something I can do. because think what school is for a lot of your kids. It's just a long day when I'm being asked to do things that I'm not good at.

18:19So they begin to feel like failures. But this, oh, I'm good at carrying that backpack. You created a success. And two people, two teachers got to say, oh, good, thank you. You're a good helper. It helps. Let me fit in one more. So I have a child. Many of us have kids who struggle with transition. So coming back into class, sometimes they might be a little bit too physical with other kids or they're not sitting down in time. So I like giving kids specific missions. And again, I pull them aside and say, hey, listen, Henry, I need your help. When you come back in to class after lunch, after recess, and this is important because those are two times where there's a lot of, there's not a lot of structure.

19:02It's disorganized. It's often loud. and many of your kids kind of get thrown off at recess and during cafeteria time. And so transitioning back into class can be tough. So I say, hey, when you come back in, picture these three things in your brain. There's research that says kids often remember things better when they picture things in their brains. Picture one paper towel, one water bottle, three paper towels, and the front row of desks in my classroom. Well, what does Henry know that I need him to do? I want you to come in and clean those rolls. that row of desks. And here's the thing. I said, I was very specific.

19:38I said, one water bottle, three paper towels, not the whole row, roll. And you're just going to clean these desks up here. While the child is coming in, he's got a specific job while all the other kids are kind of getting settled in class and now spraying it down and cleaning it. There's a sense of accomplishment. Remember Karate Kid, wax on and wax off while the child's cleaning that desk. He or she is moving across the midline of his or her body. That is really good for promoting cross-brain stimulation. And I just created a success. I'm like, oh man, that was really helpful. Throw the paper towels away.

20:14Go sit down. We're going to start class. Those are just quick examples. Now here's number five. I want you to observe your kids for the next week. Be a detective. Watch them. This is a key principle. Your kids will tell you everything they need by what they do. So we had these camps at our house where we had 1 ,500 kids in our home over the course of a decade, usually 10 to 15 kids at a time, kids, stronghold kids, kids on the spectrum, all different ages. And so many of the kids will come into our house and we wanted them in our house because we could control the environment. And I would change plans on them at the last minute.

20:50Why? Because your kids aren't good at that. It messes with their sense of order. And then they'd start to get really upset. So we We could teach them in the moment how to deal with that stress. And so I noticed a lot of them would come in and take the cushions off the sofa and lie down on the hard part of the sofa. And at first you're like, man, you're a weird little kid. What are you doing? But then I was a detective and I'm like, okay, it tells me they like the sensory pressure of that. So if I can fit this in three different ways that we can help things I got out of that. Okay, one, sleep. They like confined places and sensory pressure.

21:25Put them in a sleeping bag on the floor. Better yet, in a sleeping bag in a closet if it's big enough. So many of your kids wouldn't love that. Why? It's weird. It feels safe. Put them in between the bed and the wall. Weighted vests, a dog, lots of heavy blankets on top of them. Let them sleep on the floor. Put a tent in the floor in their bedroom. Many of your kids will sleep in the tent because they're going to be like an army ranger. Try it sometime. Homework time. Instead of just sitting at the table of death, let them sit underneath the table. So you put a blanket over the kitchen table. You now have a fort.

22:06Forts are by nature cool to most kids. Now they can sit underneath there while it's dark. So you give them a flashlight or matches. That'll stimulate their brain. Don't do matches. But you can do the flashlight. And they can eat the chicken nuggets and mac and cheese that fell off the table from the night before. because that's all they eat. So they're under there doing their homework in a weird different way. Now here's the calming tool and this was really really cool. So I started to develop this because I was like okay how can I use this to my advantage? When kids get really upset I don't want a lot of talking but I want them to do something very specific.

22:44And so we had a code word in our home and I would practice this with kids when they would get really upset and they got really upset at our house because we changed plans. They were with a bunch of other kids. I would say no to them. And so they get really upset. I say, sofa. And they had a mission. Their job was to go into the living room, take the cushions off our sofa and throw them on the floor. Did I ask them to place them nicely on the floor? No, because I knew that they wouldn't in that state. And we had an old sofa on purpose because we knew it was going to get ruined anyway. So they throw the cushions down, lie down on the hard part of the sofa.

23:21I would then walk in. I would put those cushions on top of them. Then I would sit on top of the cushions. I made sure I didn't, I wasn't too heavy for them. I didn't hurt anyone. But here's what they liked. It was instantly calming for three reasons. Number one, sensory pressure. That is very calming for a lot of your kids. They liked how that felt to be under there. I used to play this game with a lot of younger kids where I would get on the floor and roll like a steamroller and they had to jump over the steamroller so they didn't get caught by it. But so many of the kids would let me catch their feet and fall down.

24:01Well, guess what? They love the sensory pressure. Number two, it was weird. Your kids often like weird stuff. It works for them because it's not the normal thing. Well, let's talk about different ways to calm down. No, it was weird and it was physical. And so the third thing was no eye contact. When I was sitting on top of the cushion, I wasn't staring at the eyes like, you need to explain yourself. Why would you get upset? Why did you say that to Joey? Why did you throw that in my house? No, I was sitting up there. There's no eye contact. That's way too intimidating and intense for a lot of your kids.

24:38So I'd be like, okay, so I'm curious what was going on that caused you to get upset. And we would have a great talk while we did that. So are those ideas a little bit weird? Yes. If you listen to our programs, you're going to, I guarantee you, here's what you're going to find. The counterintuitive ideas that you would think wouldn't work will be the ones that work with your strong willed kids. And that's what we do a lot of, but it's based a lot on observing your kids and working with their nature instead of against it, instead of trying to make them be like everybody else, which they will never do.

25:16I say, okay, I get it. This is the way your brain works. This is the way things you process information better. You have sensory processing needs. Okay, so why don't we do homework and calming and sleeping? Why don't we try getting you up in the morning and giving you successes in school, using that to our advantage. And that's why I encourage you, let your kids listen to the podcast. Let your kids listen to our programs because I guarantee you, they will say, that would work for me. Why haven't we ever done that? Why don't we get to do homework in weird, fun ways like that guy is talking about?

25:54And they'll begin to learn and use the language and say, mom, my brain works best. It's not about managing my time. It's about managing my energy. Your kids are very bright. They will get this stuff. In fact, you don't even have to listen to our programs. Just let your kids do it and say, what do you want to change in the home? And I'm kind of only kidding there, but do that sometime. See what they come up with. So I hope you can use five. I hope you get to use all of those this week. Hey, if we can help you out, if you need help financially with any of our programs, be bold. Email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at celebratecualm.com, and we'll help you out with that.

26:29Moms and dads, so much respect and love for you. Keep enjoying your kids and we'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.