7 Strategies to Stop Summer Sibling Squabbles #502

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0:41Head to CozyEarth.com and use my code CALM for an exclusive 30 % off home and sleepwear. That's code CALM for an exclusive 30 % off. It's the biggest savings of the season. And please tell Cozy Earth the Calm Parenting Guy sent you. You're going to love Cozy Earth as much as we do. So let's make this the school year we give our kids tools to succeed in school by working with their natural learning style and feeding their curiosity. IXL makes that so much easier. IXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum and helps any student from K-12. With IXL, your child can explore any topic in any grade level.

1:26And no matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way they learn best while meeting them at their level. Start with a fun class first and get a win. Kids love IXL's positive feedback and parents love knowing specific skills that need work. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So how many of you have kids who are fighting, they're squabbling, they're picking on each other?

2:13It's annoying. Well, the answer is apparently a lot of you because we are being inundated with emails about this, which makes sense because we're in the heart of the summer and your kids have been together all the time. So I want to give you some very practical tools that you can use. And we're going to cover what do we do with that provoking child? How about the child who gets picked on teaching them to speak up? And how can you deal with it so it just doesn't drive you crazy so much? That is what we're going to discuss on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

2:45You can find us in the final days of our Christmas in July sale at CelebrateCalm.com. I'm going to ask you a favor. This is also the final few days of my special hiking trip with our son, Casey. And I had a different podcast already planned and recorded, but I've gotten so many emails and questions. So I was making some notes today. This will not be scripted, but it's going to be really good. And as always, I hope it's very practical and helpful. So I've got about seven points to make here. So let's roll. Number one was sibling squabbles and fights. Accept it. It's normal. It would be weird to me if you had kids who were not getting on each other's nerves.

3:30You have probably been married for a while. You get on each other's nerves. You squabble and you're grown adults. So why would you expect anything different from our kids? From the beginning of time, if you read any ancient literature, it is filled with stories of what? Siblings who were fighting. And so some of you, it's hard because you grew up with no siblings. And so you think this is awful. And you're not doing anything wrong. I want you to know I grew up with three brothers. It was a part of our childhood. We are grown adults now and we still squabble and we give each other a hard time, but we love each other.

4:16So you're not doing something wrong. There's nothing abnormal about this. Now, to me, sibling fights tend to come from two or three different things. Number one is boredom. You have kids, strong-willed kids, kids on the spectrum, ADHD kids who need a lot of brain stimulation. Well, if I get bored, well, what is my brain going to tell me to do? All they have to do is poke my brother or look at my sister. And then they react to me. And now I'm in complete control of their behavior. Now mom or dad is coming in the room. Leave your sister alone. And I just changed the behavior of three people by looking at my sister.

4:57That solves my boredom. It's just a negative way to do it. So we don't want that. So we'll address that. Number two is resentment. If you have a strong-willed child, they have likely been the black sheep of the family. They're in trouble all the time. And they feel like you favor the other siblings. And so they will grow resentful toward the sibling that does so well in school. And everything's easy for them. And they get invited to sleepovers. That's very normal. We'll address that. And related to that one is confidence. Look, people who are confident, who feel good about their future, who have a vision, they tend not to put other people down.

5:39They tend not to pick on other people because they're secure and they're so focused on the good things in their life, they don't need to pick out all the negative things in other people. So building confidence is hugely important. I would encourage you to go back and listen to, I think it was at the end of June, Maybe June 25th. We did one on six ways to build your child's confidence over the summer. You get your child with a vision building confidence. A lot of the sibling issues go away. And I'll get to that in a bit. Okay, number two. I'm going to encourage you. Next time your kids are squabbling and doing this, sit in the midst of it and ask questions.

6:23A dad had emailed and said, I used to shut down all the sibling squabbles and fights because they irritated me, both the fight and the kids. And I just wanted peace and quiet. I started listening to your programs, going through the 30 Days to Calm, and I realized I was part of the problem. Listen to this. This is interesting insight from this dad. I was giving the kids complete power over my emotions, my tone of voice, my entire day. I was giving these sibling squabbles complete power over me. They were irritating in charge of me. And he said, I actually became the third participant in this. And the kids knew it.

7:12And the truth is, I was more reactive than the kids because my wife told me that later. She's like, look, the two kids fighting, I kind of deal with that. But when you come in raising your voice and now you're tense, now I've got three of you to deal with. And kudos to this dad and all of you who are working on this. So he said, I did what you said in your programs because I think I have this on the Stop Sibling Fights program. Is pop some popcorn. Just pop some popcorn and walk into the room and sit down and put your feet up and eat some popcorn and begin asking questions. Hey, I'm curious. What's going on?

7:55What set you off? Why are you saying that to your brother? Try to identify the root of it. And then you can say to the child who's like, oh, he's irritating me. Say like, yeah, it bothers me too. I have a high need for order. I have this sense of justice because this dad said he's a little bit on this spectrum, like one of his kids. And so you start identifying with it and you start breaking it down instead of, hey, cut it out. You go to your room. You go to your room until you two can play together. No screens, nothing else in the house. That's not teaching them. What this dad started doing, he said, it felt great because it's what I do in my job.

8:37I problem solve. And so now I was trying to break it down and say, hey, what could we do differently? And now that I was slowing my world down like you talk about, I could see the situation so much more clearly. So number three, and here's what the dad started working on it. And I have in my notes, instead of just sitting in it, lie down in the midst of it. Because this is one of my favorite examples of two siblings are fighting in the living room. you walk into the living room and you lie down in the middle of the living room floor. Why? Because your kids will stop what they're doing and say, what are you doing?

9:17And be like, well, I was just listening. I was just observing this. And then you can start teaching because discipline means to teach. It doesn't mean to punish, to send to the child's room. And you can say to the, let's start with the provoking child. Hey, provoking child. Hey, do you know why you're doing this because I kind of have an idea. I think what happens is you've got this really busy brain and you hate being bored. You get bored. You start picking on your brother or sister because they react to you. Well, that's pretty smart of your brain to do. The only problem with that is you tend to get in trouble for that and lose some of your privileges.

9:54And I know at the end of the day, it doesn't feel good to pick on your brother or sister. So I've got an idea for you because here's what else I know about your brain and your heart. You love money because many of your kids, they're born entrepreneurs and it's not an unhealthy like love, like greed. They like making money. And number two, you've got a big heart. So I have an idea for you. You have a choice from now on. You may continue to pick on your brother and sister, but it just doesn't end well for you. So if instead you want to come help me fix dinner, I've got to do something in the garage.

10:28I bet we could brainstorm three different ways for you to earn some money in this neighborhood, around the house. And with that money, well, you can buy your own stuff, but you could also give money to say St. Jude's to kids with cancer. And I'll even match a part of that. So what I'm doing is instead of you're a bad kid. Why do you always pick on your brother? You can't ever just be quiet. Go to your room. Now I'm teaching him. Now, son, this is why you're doing that. Because your child is likely going to struggle with this for the rest of his or her life. Because I'm an older guy. I have ADHD.

11:11I know I need that brain stimulation. But now I know how to get that need met in positive, proactive ways. Like that's why I hike a lot to get that energy out. And there are several other ways but then you've equipped your child to know i need to know how to deal with this by the way with young men it is a huge issue now with gambling because it's all not it's free now like it's legal so you can gamble and all the other porn everything else is available that's highly addictive and very stimulating for the brain so i want to start teaching kids hey you're going to need to know how to do this and i'm going to teach you how to do it in positive ways so this is a mission using your brain to make money to give money to a charity and that will be very stimulating to you and so do you see how that works i've just taught him something and i love doing that now with the other child who gets picked on you can teach them how to handle conflict and speak up for themselves because a lot of the other siblings are really sweet kids who are people pleasers and And I want you to let them know it's not mean for you to say no to your brother or sister.

12:27That is called demonstrating self-respect. Your brother or sister will only have respect for you if you demonstrate self-respect. And so I would script this form and actually role play because it's hard for some of these kids to speak up and say, you know what, I don't want to do that, but I would go play X or Y game with you. Here's another one. I'm not going to play if you're just going to cheat or quit. I just want to play to get better but I don't care if I win or lose and I don't need to be better than you. See now that that's kind of a little bit advanced because that's what's going on with the provoking child.

13:11They quit because they feel insecure. If I lose that makes me a loser. So having the other child be able to speak up and say, no, I don't want to do that, is a fantastic life skill because these kind of kids, these kids are the ones who get taken advantage of in life. And some of you are like this. And I have part of that. I'm part kind of strong willed and part people pleaser in me. And I know the pattern, which is someone asked me to do something or for something. And I know inside, like, no, I don't really want to do that. But I say yes to it because I think, well, I'm being a nice guy and then I immediately start to beat myself up why did I do that I don't want to do that I'm so stupid and some of you have been through that so I want you to use it's what I've said before with meltdowns they're a huge opportunity to teach your kids life skills so these sibling fights and squabbles instead of seeing as oh it's so irritating I give my kids all these different things and they can't even play well together it is a huge opportunity to teach them life skills that they will use for the rest of their lives.

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16:27Okay, number five, just normalize it so your kids know that they're pretty normal, that they're competitive, they're around each other all day. It's pretty normal for this to happen. And again, we're giving them some skills. I'm going to add this in there because I really like this idea of modeling it in your marriage. Now, I don't want you to tell your kids about all your different marriage issues, but they can usually tell some of them. And it's this of like, honest talk with your kids of like, look, we're still figuring this out as two grown adults. And as your kids get older, you can teach them about how to compromise.

17:07You can, if you want, tell them a little bit about like, hey, here was my childhood. This is what I struggled with. And so like for us, it was, well, I had a career military father. And so he was abusive toward us and really toward my mom a lot. And so what I learned was conflict is bad. And so what you do is you run away from conflict. Whereas my wife came from a background where she was abandoned, actually by both her parents in some ways, but especially her dad. And so what happened is if something was happening and she wanted to talk and bring something up I was like, oh, that's conflict. That's bad.

17:47I run away and disappear which triggered her abandonment issues even more It was like a perfect storm in our home We were like perfectly imperfect for each other And so we had to learn in the middle of our marriage how to handle conflict and have those discussions And so there's some modeling. Your kids pick up on a lot of those subtle things that are happening in the kitchen with those conversations. They can hear your tone of voice change as you're talking to each other. So just be aware of that, that that is really good modeling for how to handle conflict, how to compromise, and how to come together, forgive each other at the end of the day.

18:30Super important. Okay, number seven, confidence issue. So you may have heard me talk about this before, but I love mission and mentor. Getting kids using their natural gifts, talents, and passions, what they're good at. That's a mission, something larger than themselves, and a mentor. It doesn't have to be an official mentor. Just another adult who can do two things, who can encourage them and also hold them accountable. because other adults can do. Look, if you sent one of your strong-willed kids out to like live with us for the summer, your child would be awesome for us. Is that because we're so good at this?

19:10No, we're just not you. I try to like our kids are great for other people, just not their parents. And I would get them to work and I'd be like, oh, I don't know why you're having problems with your son or daughter. They do everything we ask them to do. Well, they're so diligent. They're outside working in the yard. They're doing all these things. and so but I could I could do two things one I could hold your child accountable and say hey you got to cut that out or you need to do a better job and I talk to them in an even matter-of-fact tone I wouldn't use that really sweet tone or I wouldn't lecture them and they probably listen to me because I'm not their parent and I could also encourage them in ways that really meant something because mom and dad have to say nice things about me but another adult doesn't so you've heard me talk, I would do this.

19:55Find a neighbor, an elderly neighbor, a mom who needs help with her kids, because some of you have people in the neighborhood who really need some help, and your kids are really good with younger kids. So babysitting or going down there and being a mother's helper, helping an elderly couple do stuff around their house. Here's what it provides, space and place. So let's say your provoking child, your strong-willed child, goes down to a neighbor's house for a couple hours every few days or lives with them, goes for a couple of days, well now there's space because they're out of the house for a little bit.

20:35And that gives the other siblings space away from that more provoking child. And it gives them a place that is their own because we've talked about the fact that our kids do not compete well in the kid world. And so they They don't get grades as well. They're not as good at school. Just roll with me. They're not as good in school as their siblings, maybe. They may not be socially as adept as their siblings. So when they have their place and they're down there and they're helping another human, you know what it does? Inside, it's like, I have something to give. I can help other people. It could be service projects.

21:17dropping them off somewhere to help feed the homeless or at an animal shelter all those things are really really good starting their own little business parent just emailed and said hey we took your advice did that and our son is now his name is max he is now has a power washing business and he called it power max well guess what now that kid is going around the neighborhood handing out flyers uh cold calling indoors and this is your child who's really good at sales because they're persuasive and they don't stop and that child is out all day working power washing making money well guess what he doesn't have time and energy for now picking on his brother and sister because he's got a vision and a mission and he's busy and that builds confidence it's really really cool how that work.

22:09So please put some time into that. I always like to say sibling issues usually are not really sibling issues. It's more so that it's a boredom issue or it's a resentment issue or it's a confidence issue. So I really put some time into thinking maybe there's someone at work, a colleague that you work with that could use some help with some kind of project that your child might be good at doing. Anyway, enough on that. Okay, here's a really cool email that I kind of, I think I'm going to close with this one because it's really good. It was, and I use it to encourage you because a lot of parents this summer are doing this and I love this.

22:49They're letting their kids listen to our programs because this is not the Wizard of Oz. There are no secrets here. You can't keep secrets from a strong-willed child. They know all your weaknesses. They know all your buttons. They know all your triggers. What I want them to understand is why they do things. And so over the summer, while there is time, while you're driving to places, while they're just, while the kids are bored, if you want to do camp boredom, like we talked about, and your kids, and you have time. So here's what a kid said. His parents let him listen to our programs. And he said, I never understood before why I cheated, why I quit games, why I changed the rules.

23:31I always felt bad and I was embarrassed. And I always thought that I was a really bad kid and I had so much shame inside. But now I understand why. I was just a kid. And it was interesting he's saying that as if he's 30 now. but he said I was just a kid who didn't understand myself who who felt out of control and he said I never understood why I always like to collect little things and his parents had said he always had like little stones and acorns in his pockets and again he's getting this self-knowledge and self-awareness to know oh when things feel out of my control when I don't feel good about myself then I seek to control other people and situations.

24:20How many of us did not learn that about ourselves till we're 35 or 40? Or if you're a man, not until you're 50 because we're really slow at this stuff sometimes. And now you have a kid who's understanding himself. So guess what he started doing? He talked to his parents and said, I really am not that interested in the kid world, but I really am interested in the adult world. Can I start doing more adult jobs around the house? So guess what he's doing? He's changing the oil in the car and he is doing outdoor jobs and he is cooking a meal one night a week for his parents. And so it's cool when you start to teach your kids why they are doing certain things so they can make adjustments.

25:04Part of the reason none of us adults or kids make changes is because we don't really understand what's happening underneath. We're kind of on autopilot. Even with our eating and our diets and our food, we don't understand. But when you understand what your body's craving and why, you can say, oh, now I get it. Now I don't feel helpless anymore to make those changes. So I would encourage you, let your kids listen to the programs. We have them on sale. It's Christmas and July sale. If you need additional help, just email Casey. But I really want you to use this summer to understand what triggers you.

25:44so your kids understand so you can make changes. All right, that's enough. Look, I really respect you all. You listen to a parenting podcast and you're working on yourselves. And so thank you for that. I promise you it is all worth it. Thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing the podcast, subscribing to the podcast. If we can help you in any way, let us know. Okay, love you all. I hope your kids start squabbling as soon as this thing is over or maybe right in the middle of it they did so you can go and practice some of these things that we talked about. You've got this. You've got this, moms and dads.