A Back-Talking Kid, A Dad Who Feels Disrespected & A Mom Caught In The Crossfire. BIG NEW IDEA! #639

0:00So I'll just confess, we've spent our whole lives never really being pajama people. until we tried cozy earth bamboo stretch knit pajamas. Now we can't wait to finish dinner so we don't feel guilty slipping into these heavenly soft, silky smooth and cooling cozy earth PJs. Instead of just throwing on an old t-shirt, man, slipping into these cozy earth bamboo pajamas has become the highlight of the night. They're breathable and light and temperature regulating. So you never wake up feeling overheated. It's always just right. and that relaxed drapey fit moves with you all night. But then you wake up and you still feel kind of put together enough to answer the door in the morning.

0:42And you'll want to linger in them over your morning coffee or all day if you work from home like we do. So head to CozyEarth.com. Use my code CALM for up to 20 % off home and sleepwear. That's code CALM for up to 20 % off on home and sleepwear. CozyEarth.com. And please tell CozyEarth the Calm Parenting Guy sent you. Eliminating unknowns and surprises to the schedule are two of my favorite strategies to counter anxiety and meltdowns. Many families use Skylake Calendar to visually display each child's schedule in different colors so kids can see their schedule at a glance. Skylake Calendar is a Wi-Fi connected digital display that syncs seamlessly with all your calendars and visually showcases your family's schedule on an HD touchscreen.

1:31You can manage events, chores, and grocery lists on the go with the free Skylight app. This is a game changer for families like ours. Try it for 120 days, and if you're not 100 % thrilled, you can return it for a full refund. No questions asked. Families are better when they're working together. Right now, Skylight is offering our listeners$30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to myskylight.com slash parenting. That's myskylight.com slash parenting for$30 off your 15-inch calendar. That's myskylicht.com slash parenting. Back to school time can be daunting for everyone and especially overwhelming when you have kids like ours.

2:15Whether you're continuing a year-round rhythm or gearing up for a brand new curriculum, iExcel is a simple way to bring structure, confidence, and progress into your homeschool routine. Here are three reasons I think you'll like IXL. It saves time and hassle. You don't have to dig through endless resources. IXL is organized by grade and topic, so you can jump right into what each child needs. IXL helps your kids learn according to their learning style, so that means there's lots of interactive games and step-by-step video tutorials. Plus, you get real-time feedback and progress tracking, so you know exactly where your kids stand and what they need to work on.

2:53Make an impact on your child's learning. get iXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an iXL membership when you sign up today at iXL.com slash Kirk. Visit iXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So your kids are going to trigger you. Consequences will rarely work. Some dads are going to feel left out of the parenting process because they roughhouse or use a tougher approach with the kids. Some moms are forced to try to change their child's behavior because their husband can't control his, and that causes lots of issues in the home.

3:34On top of that, you may have a child who does struggle with behavior in the classroom. So how could you manage all of this without losing your mind? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us and our fall sale at CelebrateCalm.com. And I'm super excited about this podcast because at the end, I'm gonna share a strategy that I've never shared before on a podcast. So here's the thing, marriage and parenting will likely be the two most challenging jobs you'll ever have in life.

4:11Why? Because we come face to face with our own immaturity, our own flaws and brokenness in different areas, right? Because you never knew you could be this impatient because we all swore like, I will never yell at my kids. And then it's like three days later and we're doing that. We didn't know we could get this easily triggered and frustrated. And we're also dealing with a lot of trauma or hurts from childhood or bad modeling. Look, all I knew is what I saw my dad do. So I repeated that pattern of using fear and intimidation until I learned how to control myself. And you'll likely feel helpless and at your wits end with a strong-willed child because the normal parenting strategies backfire with these kids.

4:59You're going to wonder, like, what the heck do we do with these kids? And I don't want you to feel bad if you and your spouse find yourself at odds over your parenting style or philosophy. Because most couples never discuss this before getting married, because if you did, you probably wouldn't get married. So what happens? Sometimes a parent will double down on harsh consequences. I did that. Other parents feel guilty and they second guess themselves and they swing too far the other way. Being too sweet and getting walked all over. And now you and your spouse are far apart. But instead of growing apart, I want to encourage you to grow up.

5:44See this as an adventure. You get to become a new person. And that's important because you have to live with yourself the rest of your life. And now you get to use this to your advantage and say, oh, I've got some stuff to work on. There's no blame and guilt in this. Progress, not perfection. So let's go through this. I want to go through some common scenarios that sabotage your family. Then give you a really cool idea that I think will really help change behavior quickly in your home. So the first thing I want to address is this. Sometimes dads feel shut out of the parenting process, and we don't want that.

6:23Because a lot of times, men, we roughhouse with our kids, and that can make moms anxious or nervous. Look, if you think about this, if a parent is throwing their child up in the air, chances are it's a dad. As a dad, I played rougher with our son when he was young. I'm not talking about hitting, abuse, yelling at or constantly criticizing a child or doing anything out of anger. It was simple roughhousing while we were playing. And it's a very common way for men to connect with their kids. And if you look up the research, this is absolutely essential for a child's healthy brain development. Plus, it meets important sensory pressure needs.

7:06And dads are often the ones who encourage their kids to take more risks. And within the right parameters, that's extremely important for our kids. I was also tougher on our son in many situations. If he was sick, I would be the one who was like, hey, I get that you're not feeling well, but I expect you to work today, and I know you can overcome this adversity. And my wife would be more likely to say, oh, honey, just get your rest. And each response was perfectly appropriate at the time. Neither of us was right or wrong. Just be aware that men can use that same even matter-of-fact tone and tougher approach with kids that we use at work to great effect.

7:51But if our kids, if we use that kind of, if we're told that we can only use that really sweet tone, then husbands often check out and we don't want that. Sometimes a wife will interrupt or interfere and say, oh, honey, don't play so rough with our child, or you're being too tough on him. And then the dad, the husband, will kind of shut down and feel left out of the parenting process. Like nothing he does is ever right. And again, I'm not talking about a man who's being abusive or is being, actually being too rough. It's just that sometimes we do things differently than our wives do it. And this is very common.

8:30And sometimes it's opposite, right? But be aware of this because I want dads to be involved. So have an honest conversation about this in your home. Again, I'm not talking about hitting abuse, relentless criticism, or demeaning a child. I'm talking about having a more stern tone or physically roughhousing. And being stern is not being mean. So a mature way to handle this would be to say, Hey, honey, I've realized after listening to this guy's podcast that I'm too reactive or that I yell too much, that I lecture too much. Maybe I let the kids get away with too much. I'm too permissive, that I don't hold boundaries.

9:11Can you help me make some small changes? See, if you both can help each other with your own issues, that will change your family very, very quickly. There's no pointing fingers. There's no like denial, like I don't have anger issues. Well, that just shows that you probably do and denial issues. but we don't want an innocent kid or innocent children being hurt and your marriage essentially doomed. So own your part. Ask for help to grow in whatever area that is. Now the second dynamic is a really common one in which we try to fix the kid because the parent won't or can't change. And I've received thousands of emails over the years from moms.

9:56The first six paragraphs detail the child's behavior issues, big emotions, and meltdowns. And then the last sentence is almost an aside. By the way, my husband has anger issues. And I'm like, oh, well, I didn't need to read the first six paragraphs, just the last one. Because if a mom or dad has anger issues and can't control themselves, the strong-willed child will likely have emotional outbursts. And sometimes the roles are reversed, but this is most common. So here's what's really happening. A mom has most likely asked her husband to change repeatedly, even dozens of times, to work on his anger or reactive issues.

10:36Please stop yelling at the kids. Stop being so critical. Please deal with your anger issues. But the husband often denies or dismisses her. So then what she is desperately asking me, think about this. She's asking a stranger, hey, can you help me get my child to calm down and behave so that my husband doesn't get upset and yell. See how that works? I want you to help me change my child precisely because my husband won't so that I don't have to be caught in between managing everyone's emotions and being the referee. And I want to respond, look, you need to talk to your husband instead of trying to fix your child.

11:24But that's easy to say sitting in the comfort of my home because what I'm asking a woman to do often is this. Hey, you know that guy who's most likely bigger and stronger and more aggressive than you? The guy with the anger issues who gets triggered and melts down easily? Yeah, go tell him he needs to grow up and work on his anger issues. And that can be scary depending on his situation. It can be terrifying. And it can be a vulnerable and lonely place to be. So I try to help with the child, but it's not right to ask the child to change when the parent won't and put a wife in that position. And I've done that before.

12:02So there's no, this is not a guilt or blame thing. It's not like all men are like this. No, I struggled with that too. So the honest reaction, if you're a man listening and you're in that position, is to humble yourself and say, yeah, I do struggle with that. And I understand why, because most of us had dads who weren't that awesome at modeling this for us. So again, just own that. And I like using analogies with men. When I talk to men, I usually joke and I'm like, hey, if you get our Calm Parenting Bundle, I'm going to ask your wife to listen to all 17 programs. I just want you to start with one.

12:37Just listen to the straight talk for dads, because it's just a guy. It's just me talking to you like guys like concise, direct, actionable. And I always make this analogy. In every sphere of life, men respect other men who stay cool and calm under pressure. Look, we want to follow that quarterback who in the fourth quarter, when their team is losing, doesn't freak out and start yelling at his team. He just walks into the huddle, takes a knee and says, guys, we're down by two touchdowns. We're going to march down the field, execute our play, score, get the ball back and score again. And then team follows him because he's in complete control of himself.

13:14and we're the same way with our platoon captain, an ER doctor, a business leader. When they stay cool, when everything is falling apart, that's who we like to follow. So for the next week, be the quarterback inside your home instead of the reactive dad. And I often say like this weekend, right? If your husband's watching a football game, say, hey, can we try that quarterback thing? Staying calm under pressure. And I did record an episode in May for the wise out there, 10 ways to get your husband on board. So look that up. And I'm also, every month, I'm doing two special quick tips for dad's episodes.

13:52They're only like seven to nine minutes long, so I can help mentor men. So ask your husband to listen to those. Okay, what else can you do together so that we can make these changes stick? Our kids do homework much better when they're comfy and cozy. Check out Wayfair.com for a huge selection of comfortable chairs, desks, lamps, and organizers to create a little homework nook for your kids, even in a weird place. And while you're browsing online, treat yourself with some new bedding, throw blankets, something fun to celebrate autumn, or just something practical for the kitchen. We like Wayfair because they have everything we need in one place.

14:31Furniture, cookware, appliances, bedding, decor. No need to shop at multiple stores. and they have 20 million verified five-star reviews so we can quickly find what we need, discover new ideas, and get things shipped to us fast and free, all for a really good price. Transform your space with pieces that hold up to real life. Join Wayfair Rewards today and get 5 % back on every purchase. Head to Wayfair.com or shop the Wayfair app for all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Way fair, every style, every home You know I love my routines and no stress and what we have noticed most with Hungry Root is that we're more consistent with eating healthy We don't stress over dinner time anymore and we're not spending as much money going out for dinner Hungry Root is just really easy We really love the sous vide chicken and beef It is unbelievably tender and juicy and fresh Perfect portion size with amazing sauces so I can make dinner that's honestly more delicious than most restaurants with healthy ingredients at a fraction of the cost in less than 15 minutes with virtually no cleanup.

15:41It makes mealtime fun without the stress. You're going to love Hungry Root as much as we do. For a limited time, get 40 % off your first order. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. So go to HungryRoot.com and use code CALM. That's HungryRoot.com slash calm, code calm, to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. I would keep things simple. Maybe you agree on a couple goals for the week. One parent has to practice, okay, I've got to practice holding boundaries, being a little tougher, not being moved by kids' emotions. Remember that your mood does not determine my mood.

16:24Your behavior does not change my behavior. saying no and sticking to it, not feeling guilty for expecting more from your kids. And that's hard for some of you because you're breaking old patterns or you had this childhood where everything was tough on you and you feel bad like you're being too tough on your kids. But I guarantee you listen to a parenting podcast. You're not. Practice holding those boundaries. Now your spouse for the next week practices not reacting, not getting upset when the kids misbehave. So instead, that spouse sits, uses an even matter-of-fact tone and problem solves like they do at work.

17:03An easy goal for both of you is this week, simply affirm your kids for what they're already doing well. Short and sweet, make it specific. Hey, I appreciate you helping me clean up. You know what? I noticed how you handled that with your sister. Shows me you're growing up. Hey, I noticed you lost at that board game earlier. I heard you start to complain, but then you caught yourself and said, good game to your brother. Proud of you for that. So work on your issues together so you can grow up instead of growing apart. Have that talk with your spouse and just be honest and say, you know what? We never talked about this before we were married.

17:40We come, we have two different childhoods, different ways of looking at things, and we're kind of pulling apart. And I know that's not your intention. So can we agree on a couple things? Just have that honest talk. Now, I want to get to this really cool idea that I've never shared before, but I also want to fit this in because blurting out is common with our kids. And this example from a real life mom will illustrate how to get to the root of all of your kids' issues. So she said, our son was having trouble blurting out in class and the teacher kept making him miss recess for it and sending me endless notes.

18:16And my son would come home and feel helpless to change like he was doomed to always be on read on the behavior chart. And I emailed Casey and asked him to send a few of your programs to this teacher. And the mom said I was shocked at her response because she emailed and said, I had no idea this was the root of your son blurting out. I'm so sorry. So she said she pulled my son aside last week and used your language. She said, you know why I like having you in my class because you have a lot of interesting ideas swirling in your brain. The hard part is, well, you struggle with short-term memory, so you're afraid you're going to forget your idea, and that's when you blurt out.

19:00So I'm going to give you a couple tools to help you remember your ideas. And she uses, we talk sometimes about using talk tickets, where you give kids three talk tickets, and every time they want to blurt out an idea, instead, instead, they have something concrete and physical and hold up a talk ticket. And the teacher can either say, hey, go ahead and redeem one of your three tickets, share your amazing off-topic idea, because it usually is going to be, or hold it till after class. I believe you can do it. And the light bulb notepad. So it's a little notepad with a little light bulb on it because I want to reinforce, hey, you're an idea person.

19:36You're an idea guy, an idea girl. And that changes the world when you're all into ideas. So I And she said, the teacher said, he's making so much progress. And mom said, he's coming home beaming, saying, Mrs. T loves my ideas. And I didn't get in trouble today. And mom said, it just about broke my heart. But I'm so grateful for this small change that has made him feel capable. See, now you're helping the child understand why he or she blurts out and doesn't lose games. Well, or gets disappointed when plans change. What every child struggles with. and you've given your child tools so that your child can feel successful and capable.

20:21So if you've got our programs, email Casey. We'll send the relevant ones to your child's teacher or to your own parents or your spouse so they can work on these things. Okay, here's an idea I want to get to. I just introduced this in the Updated Discipline That Works program, and we use this as a family. So in many homes and classrooms, adults create behavior charts with rules and consequences for each misbehavior. But this focuses too much on just getting good outward behavior. And most of our strong-willed kids live on red, so they just stop trying. But what if instead you created a trigger board or trigger chart for your entire family, especially as your kids get older?

21:07So you list each person's name at the top of this sheet of paper or a big whiteboard or whatever you have, including mom, dad, and each child, and then one trigger that each person struggles with. And what does trigger you? What bothers you? What makes you react and sets you off? Ruins your sense of order. When you take the lead on this, you are modeling humility and working on yourself. Hey, my trigger is when things are askew in the house. and you can tell your kids why that bothers you so much. It may be something for your childhood. You just don't have to share your trauma and horrify your kids, but you can explain why this bothers you, how it feels for you, how you typically react, but they already know that.

21:52And then most importantly, hey, what are one or two ways you are going to begin responding to overcome this trigger? Because you can practice sitting in the midst of a mess without trying to fix it. you can leave something askew on purpose without moving it. Just know that your strong-willed child will purposefully leave things askew from now on to help you with your trigger. You can say, hey, my trigger's being late. When I was a kid, we got yelled at a lot even if we were kind of on time. So when you guys move slowly, have you noticed that I try to rush you? Then what happens? You guys move more slowly.

22:29You're not rejecting me or my authority. You're rejecting my anxiety. So from now on, here's what I'm going to practice doing instead. It's not like you sharing your triggers is going to surprise your kids. They already know. So here's what prompted me to share this idea. Mom wrote, hey, Kirk, we're a little skeptical about the trigger board idea in your program because our kids are only six and eight. So we began to explain in basic terms about what this is. when our stronghold child, the six-year-old blurted out, you mean when you close the kitchen drawers really loudly and daddy uses bad language?

23:08We kind of sat stunned for a moment. And I didn't know, like, was my husband going to swear right then. But the kids were spot on. So we owned it. And we actually asked what we could do differently. And we came up with a new plan that the kids know and are aware of. So when this happens and we get triggered, they remind us, even though that's irritating and another trigger. Because they remind us of like, oh, you need to sit down and cross your legs. Then we ask them, well, what makes you frustrated or angry? One of our kids said, when plans change suddenly. And the other one said, when I lose at games.

23:50So we've been practicing how to handle triggers differently. It's been a game changer because now we are focusing on helping them learn how to deal with the root of their frustration rather than reacting to the behavior and punishing them. Moms and dads, that is what we are after. Just think how more emotionally mature and self-aware these kids are going to be. Your kids don't have to participate in this, but you are normalizing the fact that we all have triggers. We all have our own issues. And now we're modeling for them how to deal with their own issues so they learn how to get to the root of it.

24:36Look, I think this is more important than anything they're going to learn in school. I wish someone had taught me this before I was 35 and almost ruined all of my relationships. And I do encourage you, let your kids listen to the podcast. Let them listen to our programs. I guarantee they're going to get these principles more quickly than you will. They're really smart kids. You're allowing them to be more like adults. You're asking them to take on more responsibility. Okay, moms and dads, this one's a little bit shorter. Let's learn to work together on your own triggers. Just model humility. work on things and realize it's not about pointing fingers.

25:17We all have our own issues. And if you can start making some small progress, oh man, that is huge. And then you start to teach your kids how to handle their own triggers. You know what? They're watching you every day. They're gonna see you making progress. They notice like, oh, my mom and dad aren't lecturing, aren't yelling so much. It's really, really cool. All right, much respect to you all moms and dads. If you need help with this, reach out to Casey. C-A-S-E-Y at celebrate calm.com. If you need help financially with our programs, just ask Casey. We'll help you out. All right. Love you all.

25:51Bye-bye.