A Different Way to Use Consequences (From Toddlers to Teens) #522

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2:04And please tell them the CALM guy sent you. So what should the consequence be for a child being disrespectful to a parent or teacher at school, for not getting ready for bed on time, being mean to a sibling, coming home late, creating a mess, swearing, or not listening to you and not doing what you ask. I want to show you a different way to use consequences so you actually change your child's behavior even though that is not my highest goal. My ultimate goal is to teach kids how to control their own behavior and take ownership of their lives in positive ways. It's just going to look different than you've been taught before because you've been lied to.

2:46People have told you that the most effective way to discipline your child is to give them consequences, but you have tried that with your strong-willed child and have probably noticed it just doesn't work. With toddlers and younger kids, you probably spend half of your day admonishing them. Stop that. Don't touch that. Listen to me. Put that down. Don't wake up your brother. Don't run away from me. Hold my hand. Sit down. Put your shoes on let's go stop don't climb on that and when predictably your child doesn't listen you try to put them in time out and then have to repeat a tougher consequence when they predictably don't stay in time out only to get more aggravated or you just go to the always popular if then warning or bribe hey if you don't stop that you're going to lose x hey if you do what i say then I'll give you this.

3:40And then when you get to the teen and tween years, it's almost impossible to externally motivate strong-willed kids. It has to come from within. It's like good luck trying to take something away from a middle schooler. They're just going to stare at you like, what are you even doing? So I know this is exhausting. Consequences are not the best option most of the time. That said, there are times that giving consequences is necessary. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our big sale at celebratecalm.com.

4:18So look, usually we as parents associate discipline with consequences or even punishment. But discipline means to teach, to show by modeling. And good discipline should always lead to a closer, more trusting relationship with your child. Discipline is not something you do to your child. Discipline is something you do for your child. So before we get to some examples of consequences that we use successfully with our strong-willed son, I want to look at why consequences don't work that well to change human behavior. One, consequences are necessary and helpful to establish boundaries, but they are very limited in effectively changing behavior.

5:05Consequences merely let the child know, hey, that was wrong. You messed up. But your kids already know that they messed up. That's why they lie to cover up the fact that they did something wrong. What they need is help knowing how to make a different choice next time. They need tools. Rather than punishing a child for failing, I would rather proactively give kids tools to succeed. See, a child who gets in trouble for not completing his classwork doesn't need a consequence. Uh-oh, you lose recess. Any more than someone with poor vision needs a consequence for not reading. That kid needs some tools like movement, music, and rhythm to help his brain process information more effectively, and the other person just needs reading glasses.

5:56Kids don't always have the reasoning ability to stop before acting and say, oh yeah, if I do that again, I lose X. They're far too impulsive when they're young to process that effectively. Most human behavior, good and bad, is not rational. It is driven by something emotional underneath the surface. Think about this logically. There are dire and deadly consequences for drinking too much alcohol, doing drugs, eating unhealthy food, not exercising, being a workaholic, smoking, and speeding. You can die from these behaviors, and yet rational human beings do these things every single day. These consequences don't address the internal emotional or psychological needs, so they end up failing.

6:45Maybe you have a child acting silly in class. You and teachers can have endless talks with a child about his or her behavior. Send him to the principal's office, and the child will nod and agree to do better, but nothing changes until you realize this is a boredom issue or a social skills issue. Many of our kids struggle to connect with their peers, so they act silly in class because that's their desperate way of trying to make friends. But if you get to the root inside, you can change the outward behavior. Strong-willed kids don't care about losing things. You've heard me say this a million times.

7:21They only care about losing their ability to make independent decisions. This is critically important to understand. What they value most is autonomy, independence, and agency. They want to figure it out themselves. Do it their way. They don't mind touching the hot stove. So consequences are not a deterrent to them. They're actually part of the process of learning for them. They don't mind losing things. They do not want to lose their ability to make their own decisions. so I like giving them ownership of their choices within your boundaries that is far more motivating than threatening or bribes look you can tell your four-year-old hey if you don't pick up your toys I'm going to take them to goodwill and then when you turn around you're going to notice she put them in a bag and she's walking down the street to goodwill waving happily to you so most consequences don't even address the underlying issue.

8:22The outward behavior we see often has nothing to do with the real issue. It's just an outward manifestation of something going on inside. So we've got to get to the root of the issue. It's like when parents ask, well, what kind of consequence can we give our tween or teen daughter for not doing her schoolwork? And I'm like, give any consequence you want because you can't consequence a kid into caring about school. What will get your daughter to work harder is if we spark that internal motivation. A child who has difficulty with writing projects, especially if they have ADHD or dyslexia or dysgraphia, can't be consequenced into doing better.

9:06They need tools to help get those thoughts from head to paper. So I'd encourage you with that. Look up the recent episode. it's from September 14th on improving focus and executive function I've got a lot of tools there and I know look parents of younger kids rely on consequences way too much and I would put way more energy into this whenever you say no to something inappropriate always say yes to something appropriate they can do right instead of like hey no jumping on the sofa it's like hey love your energy. Can't do no jumping on a sofa, but here's what I could use your help doing. Give them missions.

9:47Make it a challenge. Hey, but you can't do that backwards or blindfolded. Hey, don't tell dad, but see, we create successes instead of punishing failure. One of my favorite ways to discipline, i.e. teach toddlers and young kids, is to play rewind and replay when they make a bad choice. So say they walk into the kitchen, they take a sibling's toy, have them walk backwards out of the kitchen. That's fun. And then re-enter and show them how to handle the situation differently. You're actually role-playing, which is highly effective. You are actually practicing the right way to handle situations. And if you want to take it to the next level, you and your spouse do rewind and replay when you yell, lecture, or lose your cool.

10:36Hey, you know what? I messed up. Then you walk backwards out of the room, reset yourself, walk back in, and handle the situation in a calm, authoritative way. See, that will change behavior in your home very quickly. And if you do the rewind and replay thing with your teens and tweens, it will irritate them so much. It's just a lovely thing to do. So it just makes a little bit more fun. So what's the consequence for a tantrum? There is no need for a consequence for a tantrum. The consequence for a child having a tantrum is that they simply do not get what they were screaming for. And you can stop whining with one words, opposites.

11:19Hey, you get the opposite of whatever you're whining about. So here are a few consequences you can use with younger kids. Hey, if you don't get ready for bed now, you will miss story time. That's fine. But with a more emotional child, the realistic result is that this child will now melt down for an hour, go to bed an hour late, and it will backfire. And then you're taking away the most grounding part of the day, and everybody goes to bed feeling guilty. But what if instead of that you lay down on the floor alone or next to your spouse and you start laughing and turning the pages of a book? I guarantee you you will draw that child to you more quickly than just threatening a consequence.

12:06Here's another one. Hey, if you're so bored you have time to argue with your sister, then you have time to do chores for me. That's very reasonable. I like that. But But if I'm proactive, I can give my child some kind of grown-up type mission or challenge doing something heavy or difficult in the kitchen or in the yard that gives them a sense of accomplishment, that helps focus and stimulate their brain, and ends with positive affirmation. Hey, nice job on that. I didn't think you would be able to carry that bag of mulch to the backyard. See, now I get to do that rather than a punitive chore. Again, giving a consequence is fine, but I want to do better than fine.

12:51Here's another one. Hey, if you splash water out of the bathtub, you're going to have to clean that up with a towel. Perfect. It's a natural consequence, and it can work just fine. Then I'd start to think, okay, splashing water and making messes is kind of fun when you're a little kid. Can I give my child opportunities to splash in puddles, play in the rain, make messes in the garage and kitchen on a regular basis? so this isn't so novel during bath and bedtime. The point is, consequences are fine, but there are usually better alternatives. That said, I do have some twists on traditional consequences that I do think will work better.

13:30So, let's jump into that. So, we talk all the time about giving our kids adult responsibilities, and many of our kids love cooking. It's sensory, it's creative, and it makes them feel grown up. So let your kids order a couple hungry root meals every week and then they can be the chef on those nights. The hungry root recipes are super easy, even I can fix them, and they come with the right portions so it's not overwhelming. Your kids will look forward to getting home from school and finding their hungry root box there. It gives them some autonomy over food and they can work for tips. Get clean, healthy meals customized for your family's preferences delivered to your door to save you precious time.

14:15You're going to love Hungry Root as much as we do. Go to hungryroot.com slash calm. Use code calm to get 40 % off your first box. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. That's hungryroot.com slash calm. Code calm to get 40 % off your first box. Hungryroot.com slash calm. Code calm. Casey and his wife just got an ottoman with storage inside from Wayfair.com. It fits their decor perfectly, but I really think they got it so I can put my feet up and relax while they serve us dessert. In the special dessert glasses, we conveniently bought them from Wayfair. Yeah, I know that's self-serving, but to be fair, that espresso maker we bought them from Wayfair for Christmas has contributed to a lot of great moods for them.

15:04Our homes have completely different styles and layouts, but with Wayfair, we can find multiple options for everything we need, and that accommodates any budget. Spring has come early to the mountains out here, so we've already picked out outdoor furniture, because that means laughs, special memories, and grilling out. Find furniture, decor, and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair. Every style, every home. Number one, keep your promises. So most of us were taught to be consistent and enforce consequences.

15:47Good. I want to give you some slightly different language that I think will help. So instead of this formulation, hey, if you do X, I am going to do Y, change it to, hey, if you do X, you will have chosen this outcome. See, because what I do as the parent isn't really the important part. What I want to do is shift. I want to shift the responsibility to the child. It says, hey, son or daughter, you control both your behavior and your ultimate outcome. That's within your control. A consequence is often something just imposed by the parent. An outcome is simply a natural outgrowth of what the child chooses to do.

16:35Instead of enforcing consequences, which a lot of people struggle with, just keep your promises. So, for example, I promise you that if you continue to speed while driving, you will have chosen to lose your driver's license for the next month. See, now when you follow through, you're simply keeping the promise you made. See, that speaks of personal integrity rather than just being like, well, I'm the authority figure who enforces things here. It's like, no, let you know how it works. And I've got personal integrity so you can count on me when I tell you something. And this puts it in their court.

17:17Here are a few more. I promise you that if you do not turn off your screens after 45 minutes, or let's say within the next 90 seconds, you will have chosen to forfeit them for the next three days. I promise that if you continue to irritate your sister, what you're telling me is that you're bored, so you will have chosen to do extra cleaning chores in the home. Hey, we've got a simple rule. No screens until all homework is completed. I promise if you get on screens without completing your homework, you will have chosen to lose your screens for the next two days. Here's a famous one we do. Hey Casey, every morning we have to leave at 7 23 a.m.

18:01sharp. Every minute that you are late getting in the car costs me a minute of my time. I promise you that every minute you take from me, you will choose to forfeit 15 minutes of your screen time at night. Choice is up to you. Let me know if you need some help. See, I want you to simply do what you promised to do. Notice the tone is firm, even, matter of fact, even a little bit more stern at times. Stern is not mean. It just conveys, I'm serious about this. Don't mess with me. And that provides clarity. I'm not making it personal. I'm not lecturing. I'm not being vindictive. We're snotty about it.

18:42I'm simply keeping my promise. And the child will have chosen the outcome because your child does have a choice. Now, you know my caveat here is a lot of your kids are very impulsive. So that's why I prefer to give them lots of tools, create the success rather than going this route. And I asked Casey, who is a grown man now, for his perspective. when I was completely reworked the discipline that works when consequences don't work program from scratch. And so I asked him, I said, which tough discipline tools were most impactful to you? And he said this one that I just did time for time lesson, he said was, quote, harsh, but valuable.

19:25He also said, when you kept your promise to me and let me know that I was the one who had the power to ultimately determine the outcome. I didn't like it at first, but that has served me well in life. Now, if you've already got the Calm Parenting Bundle, the new program is already on your app. So just listen. If not, take advantage of the sale at celebratecalm.com or email Casey. He can help you with it if you need help financially because I doubled the length of that program because I did a lot of really tough discipline tools for kids being aggressive, hitting, kicking in the back of the seat, all those things.

20:02Okay, number two, What do you do if your child is demanding something from you, calling you names, or not listening to you, or doing what you ask? Now, in other podcasts, I've told the chips and salsa story to help Casey change his attitude and get to the root of the issue. But you can also go a little bit more hardcore. The next few times your child asks you to take them somewhere or do something for them, you just simply refuse. Hey, that's just not how life works. When you treat people badly, if they have any self-respect, they won't turn around and help you. And I did this a few times with great effect.

20:39I didn't accept fake apologies or manipulation. But when Casey humbled himself, then I would take him places. And it's really hard at first because they will be angry and indignant. And they'll dig themselves a deeper hole by blaming it on you. but don't take it personally expect it and just firmly and without emotion you just teach that life principle okay swearing i remember when casey came home and he wanted to try out something his friends had been exploring and he started swearing and it didn't work out that well for him now my first response was not to be shocked or outraged but kind of wondering like what took you so long but with a strong-willed child if you say hey you know what i'm gonna wash your mouth out with soap they'll likely respond with oh can we use Irish spring they'll call your bluff so I just said huh so what you're telling me Casey is that you are ready for adult responsibilities since you are now using adult words I'm really happy because mom and I could use some help around here this weekend so this weekend while your friends who taught you these words are playing having fun and on their screens you'll be helping us scrub toilets do grout work on the shower running endless errands to boring stores, picking up dog dew in the yard, trimming hedges and picking up leaves, cleaning out the garage, growing to the grocery store, making meals, and all kinds of fun adult activities.

22:08I'm really glad you're here to help. Just try that sometime. Again, no drama. Number four, what should be the consequence for being disrespectful to a teacher? Now, of course, everyone will mention writing an apology. I would go a step further. Have your child stay after school and help the teacher organize or clean her room or help with a special project. This accomplishes two important things. One, it is an act of service to tangibly help someone that you wronged. And most importantly, now the teacher and student get some one-on-one time together. Guess what usually happens? They talk. They get to know and understand each other better.

22:49They bond over a common task. the teacher affirms and sees something good in your child. See, that will end up changing behavior more quickly than any consequence. What's the consequence for being mean to a sibling or a classmate? Well, if it's a classmate, I would try to get the two kids together doing something together. Some kind of service project for handicapped kids or elderly people or animals. Because in the course of spending that time on a common mission, most of the time they will apologize and they may even forge a friendship. If it's a sibling then I'd have the child complete one of their chores for them.

23:27Well okay what was the consequence when Casey was disrespectful to my wife to his mom? Well I've handled this in different ways in different episodes but one of the most impactful ways I handled this was by saying hey but mom does a lot for us that we don't even know. Why don't we surprise her by serving mom this week? And we'd come up with a way to do thoughtful things for her every day. And then it just became a regular habit even when he didn't do something wrong. I like the idea of a parent saying, Hey, you will help me fold laundry, sweep the kitchen floor, vacuum the basement, carry in groceries, take everyone's trash out for the next week.

24:05When possible, consider doing these tasks with your child so they're not isolated and you can bond together. Okay, here is a good one. When Casey began driving, he had a strict curfew with very clear consequences. So one night he came home late and I was sitting in the living room reading. I didn't look up. I did not question or lecture or create any drama. I just said, hey, I hope you had a good time. Be sure to put your keys and driver's license on the table. and he tried to argue and make excuses. Of course, right? But just because your child wants to create drama doesn't mean you have to participate as long as you have clear consequences and reasonable expectations.

24:48So even better than any of these options is this. I would rather proactively create successes and affirm kids than react to them by punishing them for failing and misbehaving. so see if you can relate to this mom's experience she said for years we had given for and this is how many of you for years you've given your strong-willed son endless warnings we tried the point system until we lost track of how many he'd lost and earned we changed the rewards then we switched back to taking things away and lecturing none of it worked it was my husband who ultimately said hey we've got to try the calm guys approach so we got your program started listening to them and then just decided we're going to do what you told us to do.

25:32And so they said, we know what our son struggles with. We know what doesn't work. Like saying no or if you do this, you lose X. So we started game planning different situations. I love this. So they said in the morning during transitions, at bedtime with homework time or having to go places, we now have a new script and routine we follow. We give him the big picture and context. Here's what needs to be done. Then we make it more challenging or ask him to use his creativity to come up with a better way to do what we've asked. Then we give him a little bit of space, whereas before we just get frustrated because he wouldn't do what we asked immediately.

26:19but now 95 % of the time he chooses some more difficult way to get it done and he likes the sense of accomplishment knowing he figured it out himself. We finally got over being frustrated because he simply won't do things the simple way or the way we want. Now occasionally this is important what they said we have to reset with a tough consequence But most of our time now is not spent on just him being in trouble and you lose this and tears. It's now spent affirming him and encouraging his problem-solving abilities. We're working with his nature and working on controlling our own controlling nature.

27:08And it's so much better. Kudos to moms and dads like this, to all of you who are doing it differently. because you're challenging your own deeply held beliefs and assumptions about how kids should do things and now you're reaping these the rewards more successes fewer meltdowns and power struggles and kids who feel confident and good about themselves that's pretty cool that's what we're after so this coming week i hope that you have many opportunities to use some of these different options from consequences to creating successes to giving kids tools more often. So do that. If we can help you, reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, celebrate calm.com.

27:52We can help you with the programs. If you need help financially, just reach out. We love you. We appreciate how hard this is. Man, you guys are breaking those patterns. Just awesome of you, just like this couple. So keep up the good work. Love you all. We'll talk to you next time. It's time your hard-earned money works harder for you. With the Wealthfront Cash Account, your uninvested cash can earn up to 3.95 % APY. That's a 0.65 % boost over an already high rate for three months, just for being a new client. Plus free instant withdrawals to eligible accounts. Start today at Wealthfront.com. 3.3 % base APY via Program Banks as of January 30th, 2026.

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