ADHD Neurodivergent Kids & Adults: 10 Ways to Improve Focus & Executive Function (And Stop Homework Battles!) #518

0:00So here's a cool story of how two parents chose to inspire their child's curiosity this summer. The parents signed up to learn calculus and Spanish at IXL.com slash Kirk to support their kids taking a class over the summer. I love this. You are learning right alongside your child. They can see you wrestling with ideas, being curious, and at times asking them for help. It's awesome modeling for your kids, and it makes it feel like learning is a family adventure, not just something you make them do. iXL is an award-winning learning platform with an easy-to-navigate layout that uses interactive practice and step-by-step video tutorials that make it perfect for relaxed summer learning.

0:45So what class are you going to take this summer? Make an impact on your child's learning. Get iXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off and iXL membership when you sign up today at iXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So how many of you can relate to this mom? She said, I not only have to manage the emotional temperature of the home, but my own internal temperature fluctuations. So I took a chance and I tried the cozy earth bamboo sheets and pajamas. Total game changer for me. No more night sweats, much deeper sleep.

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2:13So do you have a bright, strong-willed child who should be able to buzz through his or her homework or schoolwork in 45 minutes, but would seemingly rather fight you tooth and nail for twice that long to not do it. Have you ever felt frustrated for your child or for yourself because schools and society tend to only support neurotypical learning styles and that makes you or your child feel different and less than? Does homework time ever end in tears for you or your child? And you know this, saying in a frustrated voice, you know what, if you would just focus, you'd be done in 45 minutes instead of it taking three hours is not motivating for your child.

2:52You've tried bribery, threats, pleading, and consequences, and nothing seems to work. So let's try using their brain's natural powers to make this a little stressful. That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our back-to-school sale at CelebrateCalm.com. So look, the true importance of this podcast is that it's not just about jump-starting your child's brain to complete what are largely arbitrary school assignments. The more important part is understanding how your child's brain works best and teaching that to your child.

3:34See, this is the brain they will have the rest of their lives. And I'd actually let your kids listen to this podcast and then ask them to use these new ideas themselves. And if you are a neurodivergent adult, I hope you learn some new tools to help you focus on your daily life or in your daily life. And I also hope you just, for some of you, it's like, oh, that's why I've always done it that way. And then you won't feel like something's wrong with you because there isn't anything wrong with you or your child. We just have brains that are different. And then along the way, hopefully, we will prevent a lot of fights, defiance, and tears in this coming school year.

4:17So let's jump in. Number one, I'm going to give you 10 ideas here to improve focus and executive function and things that many of us struggle with. Number one, prime your kids' brains after school by giving your kids something they are in control of. Because just think all day at school, everything is out of their control. Another adult is telling them what to do and how to do it, when to do it. And they're not always great at that. And there's sensory overload. And for many of your kids, by 12 p.m. or 2 p.m., they're just emotionally and mentally exhausted. They're done. By the way, that's why many of your kids, when they come home from school, that's why they save the big meltdown for you.

4:58They hold it together for the teacher and then they unload on you. So here are some ideas. Could you give them a more adult-type mission that makes them feel grown up and in control of something after school? Does your child like organizing or arranging things? It could be a rote task like organizing paperclips by color if they're really young. Something that doesn't require any emotional or mental effort. You know I love treasure hunts, especially outside with younger kids, that fresh air, exercise. looking for something special is a great transition for some of your kids give them some downtime and space alone let them listen to music or just sit in silence on the way home please if your kids don't like school don't ask them how the day was at school because their answer is going to be oh that place where i'm right on the behavior chart i think my teachers don't like me and i have trouble connecting with kids my own age and i find it really boring yeah it was awesome today.

6:01It just it puts all this pressure on them. So instead, I may ask them a question about current events or something they're interested in. I used to ask Casey at times, I'd be like, hey, something happened to me today at the grocery store at the post office. What would you do if you were in my situation? So now they get to give their opinion on something and it doesn't make them feel so interrogated because that's often after school. Hey, how did you do on that test? Hey, did you make any friends today? Were you on your best behavior? And it all feels like our anxiety is dumping on them. So don't do that.

6:39If you can, could one parent or even a grandparent leave an envelope every day with a special mission inside, completing some special project or secret mission for the other parent? Because sometimes getting that envelope of, oh, I need to go outside and I need to do this. I need to move that bag of mulch or I need to spread that dirt all over because a lot of our kids like very tactile sensory things. Could your child go to a neighbor's house, ideally kind of an older retired couple or elderly lady or someone you know to help them for even 15 minutes or even walk a neighbor's dog or feed a cat.

7:23See, that's very grounding and it's better than hopping on screens or just saying, okay, get your backpack out. Let's do your homework right now, even though you've just been sitting for seven straight hours. Number two, I would encourage you to try this. Do homework outside, pack up some homework, snacks, get moving, walk through the woods, build a fort, skip stones across the street. Fresh air changes moods. Exercise stimulates the brain. Doing harder physical work and breaking a sweat releases endorphins, which are awesome for learning. Your kids are not going to want to go outside all the time, so you have to lead them there.

7:59Make it fun. Make up games. Let your little landscapers do some yard work. Sometimes kids would help me shovel mulch and plant things, and then they'd sit in the dirt and do their homework. Sometimes we lived in this little planned community and they had these like drainage ditches in our neighborhood. But I told the kids it was a sewer and we had to like climb down in them under the ground where it was kind of dark. They love that. You know why? Because it was weird. It was different. We weren't supposed to be there. And so we go down there with flashlights and do schoolwork. It was different.

8:35Stimulated the brain. I used to love, I'd take kids, we'd ride bikes to a construction zone where they're building houses or buildings. And we would watch the diggers and we would ride our bikes there. Look, get outside and do different things. You can do schoolwork in so many different places if you have that flexibility. Throw a blanket on the lawn and just do it there. that's just a lot better than standing over them at the kitchen counter putting all that pressure on them if you're in minnesota and it's really cool then take some schoolwork outside the igloo that you built okay number three manage their energy not their time this is a really crucial insight for our kids and for us as adults who have these kind of brains traditional time management tends to be linear it doesn't work for people like us people with our brains tend to work in spurts We hyper-focus.

9:31We work on momentum. I have days where nothing's really clicking that well, so I focus on more mundane projects that don't require as much thinking or emotional energy. But then I'll hit a mode in which my brain is super focused, and sometimes I'll write three or four podcasts in a couple days. When I'm putting together a new program, I'll often condense a week's worth of work and thinking into three days. Help your kids understand and recognize this pattern inside. It is a superpower in life. Learn how and when your most challenging child focuses best. It may actually be early in the morning before other people are up.

10:14It could be after exercise. We used to do a lot of homework at the ice rink after Casey had practice. If your child is crushing it in math one day, well, just keep going with that if you can. Do three days worth of math work that day. It's kind of unnatural and difficult to switch back and forth between five different subjects in a day. I tend to work best on weekends when everyone else is often more chill because I pick up on that energy. It's why teens often like staying up late at night to do work. The world slows down. It's quieter. The parents aren't talking to me late at night. Casey and I use this insight all the time.

10:52Look, I'm actually writing this and recording it on a Saturday after a morning hike. I know my brain feels focused now and I'll do mundane non-thinking work later. So put some time into teaching your kids how to manage their energy, not their time. I encourage you, if you have our programs, go through the ADHD University program. We go through this in much more detail. It's extremely helpful. And I'd actually encourage you, send us an email. Now, if you have our programs, we can send this one to your child's teacher. And I'd love for your kids to listen to it as well. Number four, use time compression to your advantage.

11:32This is important as kids get older. Because sometimes parents say to teenagers, no, you can't get a job because you need to focus on homework. But older kids, honestly, they've got from like 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. or midnight or 1 a.m. for many of your kids to get homework done. and so it's actually too much time in a sense but if they're involved in a sport drama club or have a job that compresses their time and I noticed the power of this when Casey was traveling with me for live events we'd roll into a new town at say 5 47 we go right to Panera we now had 43 minutes to eat and get our work done before leaving for the live event and what I discovered was that that definitive time limit compressing the time that Casey had to get writing assignments done helped him focus better.

12:24It was a defined time limit so he knew it wasn't going to last forever and it forced his brain to hyper focus. It also worked because we were eating, listening to music. There was activity going on in there which was stimulating for his brain and the rhythm from eating and music actually creates rhythm in the brain. All of that was very stimulating. And I use this for myself all the time. I give myself a defined time limit to work on a podcast, as I am at this moment. So use that at home. You can even jumpstart your child's brain and get a success by saying, okay, in the next 17 minutes, let's knock out this assignment, play some music, get some movement.

13:05And look, I'm a realist. Some of your kids are so resistant, you could do the following. Hey, don't tell anyone, but we're going to do this worksheet together and we're knocking it out in 17 minutes. You do the odd problems. I do the even ones and you do it together. And it's like, well, isn't that cheating? No. When you are doing the even math problems, you're showing your work and teaching. Plus you're just getting it done. And that's called being smart. Okay. Number five, we just alluded to this, using rhythm, music, chewing snacks, tapping pencils. Your kids have very busy brains and they don't always feel that organized inside.

13:45It's kind of like thoughts and feelings and ideas are tumbling around like socks in a dryer. But now you introduce rhythm through music and chewing and tapping pencils and that creates rhythm in the brain. It can help your kids focus better. So I would experiment with allowing your kids to listen to music. And for many of your kids, it's not classical music. It's really intense music, which I'm actually doing right now as I write this because it can help with writing projects and other subjects. Let your kids eat their snack while doing schoolwork instead of it being, hey, won't you have a snack and then will do your schoolwork.

14:23Chewing things brings blood flow to the brain. It's relaxing. It helps with anxiety and it creates rhythm. And if you can, experiment with all these things. Your child can stand at the kitchen counter rocking back and forth because that's rhythm. Chewing on a snack, listening to music while doing schoolwork. Just try it. In classrooms sometimes, we used to put a sponge on a child's desk and they could tap the sponge. That way they're getting the rhythm of the tapping without making the noise. So now we can combine this with movement for some other really creative options. So this is our second summer out here and what we've missed most is having friends over for dinner.

15:07It's such a pain to go to those big box stores and carry home huge items. So we went to Wayfair.com. We picked out deck furniture, a grill, fire pit, yard games. Boom. Easy. Fast free shipping. Last night was kind of magical and it was simple. We had friends over for a dinner outside with the fire pit going, kids playing cornhole, just good conversation and laughs. We like Wayfair because it's one-stop shopping for everything we need inside and outside our home with prices that fit our budget. So now after a long day or on weekend mornings, we have an outdoor gathering space. Ready to upgrade your home for way less?

15:49Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home and get your space ready for less. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. So mom emailed and said, I have two picky eaters at home. One is 8 and the other is 38. With Hungry Root, I can order meals tailored to the needs of our family without going down 14 different aisles. And Hungry Root now knows our preferences, so they recommend meals I wouldn't have even thought of. My picky son now prepares red sauce tortellini with Italian sausage by himself three times per week. Everyone is happy. We're not eating out as much.

16:36We're not stressed at mealtime. and my son is trying new things because he feels in control. You're going to love Hunger Root as much as we do. For a limited time, get 40 % off your first order. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungerroot.com and use code CALM. That's hungerroot.com to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. You're going to love Hunger Roots. number six use movement to stimulate and focus the brain you can review vocabulary words and quiz your kids while they're jumping on a trampoline kicking a ball back and forth while they're shooting hoops while they're spinning try that sometime you have kids who spin it's meeting a vestibular need quiz them on vocabulary words i guarantee they will get all the answers correct and they'll have fun we taught kids how to read while swinging on a swing it's weird but it works.

17:34Do you have a child who likes hanging off the sofa upside down? Good. Use it to your advantage. It brings blood flow to the brain and probably meets a vestibular need that calms your child. So you walk in the living room and say, hey, bet you can't do your math worksheet upside down. And then lie upside down next to your child and quiz them. Bond over weird things. Again, you can do all kinds of things with movement. It is how I learn best. Casey and I are constantly moving. And it is helpful for adults as well. Do you have a child who likes confined spaces? Let that child do schoolwork under the kitchen table.

18:12So instead of doing the table of death, which is what we call it, you put a blanket over the table. Now you've got what? A fort. So now your child can lie underneath the table on the floor and do their schoolwork. Give them a flashlight. That's kind of fun. They can do it sitting in a closet or even in the car. Experiment with different places. That's why I often get my best ideas and clarity while hiking or going for a walk. So you can use that as an adult when you're thinking through decisions. So classroom ideas. I love kids doing chair push-ups or playing a short Simon Says game in the middle of the class.

18:49Simon Says, squeeze your elbows tightly. Simon Says, touch your left knee with your right hand. I'm going back and forth across the midline of the body. It's really helpful. I like giving kids a short mission to improve focus. Oh, hey, could you help me out? Could you carry this heavy red backpack next door to Miss Johnston's classroom and bring me back the blue backpack? So I just gave them like 30 seconds to get some movement. But it really helps because I meet sensory needs, give a specific mission, and then I give kids a few seconds to move. And I can do a whole podcast on classroom strategies if you want.

19:24Just email us and let me know. Number seven, experiment with doing work in different parts of your home. Try the attic, the basement, a tree house, even in the car or even out in public. And I know it may sound weird, but try it. We used to take kids to the local caribou coffee shop to do one or two subjects. And they liked that there were like antlers on the walls and a fire going on in winter. It was cozy. And plus it smelled really good. And by the way, that's another one. Use smells. I don't know if I'm going to get to that one in this episode, but you stimulate the olfactory senses, the smell of coffee, light a candle that smells really good.

20:08That often helps as well. after we did that we would go to the local ice rink where they would do work then skate a bit right endorphins released and do more work we just always pack snacks because we don't want to pay for expensive food so i i just got a email from a mom who said her child said can i create a cozy spot in the attic to do my school work in yes that's awesome look i do a lot of my best thinking work outside, even in public places where there's a lot going on. Rather than distract me, it actually helps me focus better. Sometimes I get so much writing done, waiting for my car to get the oil changed, that I actually stay at the dealership after the car is ready.

20:57Number eight, this sounds weird. Trade kids with another mom or dad or your spouse. Get together a couple times a week for a couple hours a week, let the kids play together. Perhaps the other mom or dad teaches your child math while you teach theirs English or writing. Or if you are the parent who usually does homework with the kids, have your spouse take over the job routinely. Then your kids get to listen to someone with kind of a fresh perspective and a different voice. Sometimes getting up early in the morning while one of the parents is up and doing homework before everybody else is up can be really effective.

21:37Number nine, find an older couple in your neighborhood or community to help you. And I know you're going to resist this at first, but think about this. You have this older couple you know, and they've already raised their kids. They're safe. They're patient. They miss having their kids around, and they don't have to like put your kids to bed and feed them and make them brush their teeth or any of the hard stuff. Some of you even have retired school teachers in your neighborhood. Use them. Just simply ask them. Say, hey, I've got this one child in particular, really bright kid, but really resists me, but he's got a huge heart.

22:10He would do anything for you around your house. Would you consider doing a couple subjects with him once or twice a week? Now, I know you don't want to do this because you're like, oh, I don't want to bother them. you're not bothering them. You're looking at it the wrong way. That older couple or lady would love having your child at their house. Your child will bring energy and youth into their home and they'll probably be wonderfully helpful and engaging because that's how they are with other adults. It gives this older couple a new mission. They'll feel good helping a frustrated mom or dad and this really bright kid.

22:49It also gives them something to talk about after being married for 45 years. And I'm telling you, it is a gift to this older couple. And if you don't try it, you're robbing that older couple of joy and purpose. Now, your child will also like being the center of attention at their home because this older couple is going to dote on and encourage and praise your child. They'll also be more patient. They'll also be tough on your child because older people don't put up with any stuff. And your child will listen to them because they aren't you. And your child will come home feeling confident and good about himself.

23:27It gives your child an opportunity to do a service project for this couple, helping them with things around the house. And if you get really lucky, the old dude is like a retired engineer or a handyman kind of guy who can teach your child how to build and fix things. And here's a side benefit. You and your compliant kids, give them time to breathe and work and have peace at home for a couple hours while your strong-willed child is enjoying his or her time with the neighbors. Try this sometime. Okay, number 10. Create successes. Get small wins and affirm your child. Start with small wins. Get what you can.

24:09Let your kids read and write about something they're interested in. Do that early in the school year. Talk to the teachers and say, hey, I know you want my child to read this book or write about this topic, but they're not interested. Could we just let my child write about something they're really fascinated in? Because what we're really after is not the topic. It's the process of writing. And that way you create a success. Show them how to do it. You can do other things like letting your child write letters to a serial company asking for a refund. I used to do that as a kid. Let them write to someone they respect or with Strong Will Kids, someone they disagree with.

24:47And they can, because they'll argue with them and they'll put out these great arguments about things using critical thinking skills. Let your kids read different kinds of books and articles that they're interested in. You could even let them write a rebuttal on a political forum. Anything that engages their curiosity. And then affirm your child for what they're already doing well. It is so easy to get frustrated with our kids and point out all the things that they're doing wrong or say, you know, this is good, but if you would just apply yourself, if you would go the extra mile, stop. Let's break that cycle.

25:24Learn to affirm your child's unique gifts and talents. And what do we focus on? Progress, not perfection. It is way more motivating than just correcting them all the time. bonus tip do a late night bonding homework time with your teen or tween because you could i used to do this all the time say hey case look i've got this big project that's due tomorrow it's wondering if you want to head to buffalo wild wings or i hop around 9 p.m with me you can bring your work because i've got my own work to do we'll get wings we'll get pancakes and i'd love the company and you know what's cool about this kids love feeling like grown-ups it's a more fun way of doing schoolwork late at night.

26:06And so they often open up then late at night. And it's not like I'm just sitting there waiting for him to do his work. I'm working on my own work, but I'm available to help. Plus it's not like they're missing out on sleep anyway because your kids don't sleep that much. It's a really good bonding time. I guarantee your kids will open up late at night when they're tired and it's dark. So here's what I encourage you to do. Let your kids listen to this. See what ideas they come up with look I want you to put it in there look this is your homework this is your school work not mine all I want is for it to get done I want you to be curious and learn the concepts I don't care how you do it or where you do it you tell me and then see now they're taking ownership of it I would also let them listen if you have our programs to Casey's Straight Talk for Kids program the Strong Willed Child program the ADHD University program because it will help them feel very understood and you can listen to if you're neurodivergent i've got a program that's included in the bundle it's for adults with adhd i think you'll find that helpful look if we can help you get that or if you need help financially reach out to casey c-a-s-e-y at celebrate calm.com he understands all of this because he uses all of these tools as a young man in his profession his other job as well and as a kid so hey we love you all respect you appreciate you working so hard at this