Be The Cycle-Breaker: 3 Scripts to Break the Parenting Patterns You Grew Up With #569

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3:34issues and sitting in my discomfort while purposefully not trying to fix situations and my kids. And by the way, that's a lot of work, so kudos to you. But she goes on and says, but then I hit the section on healing childhood wounds and I just bawled. I hadn't realized the degree to which so many of my adult choices, my husband, my career, my friendships, my daily life have been dictated by the patterns I learned as a child. We are now breaking those patterns and reparenting ourselves, learning new skills, and giving our kids things we never got as kids. And I have to say, I am proud of what we are doing here.

4:18Darn right. Look, I am super proud of you moms and dads. This is hard work. So that is what we are going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our Black Friday and March sale at CelebrateCalm.com. I used to scoff at thinking childhood wounds and patterns played a part in our behavior, partly because I'm just a guy. That's what we do. We scoff at stuff. Until I got a little older and realized what a huge role these patterns play. And this is not about blaming our parents. They had their own wounds.

4:55It's not about making excuses for our behavior. It is a simple acknowledgement of this. When we're little kids, we are hyper aware of everything going on around us because that helps keep us safe and get our needs met. We pay very close attention to the emotional experiences of others and then we react accordingly. and we all have a need for acceptance, belonging, safety, trust, to feel worthy and seen, to feel heard like many of you were not as kids, to feel like we matter, to feel loved and we adapt to the circumstances of our home and oftentimes sacrifice our individuality or change who we are in order to get that acceptance and love.

5:47And those responses become patterns that just get instilled in us and carry on through our adult lives until we recognize them and then deal with them. And these behaviors and thought patterns can serve us well as kids. They did. They kept us safe. We got our needs met. And they can even serve us well as adults. Those of you who were in a really chaotic environment as kids and you had to step in and kind of control things well guess what you became a really conscientious adult and that serves you well in a lot of jobs most jobs but these same patterns ultimately sabotage our relationships so these traits think about these this these traits you learn as a kid are likely correlated with your gifts because you practice these new skills throughout your whole childhood.

6:44You mastered them. You became very good at this. But then you unconsciously choose partners, friendships, and jobs where you find yourself back in a role that is very familiar. So here are some examples you may have experienced. So you've got an angry or critical parent. So you learn early on if you are obedient, the good boy or good girl, and clean your room and get good grades, that parent will accept you and give you positive attention. Perhaps you became a perfectionist. Well, that ensured that you didn't get in trouble and even got positive attention and acceptance. And then you grew up to be super conscientious and reliable, which employers value and often take advantage of.

7:34But then you get resentful because you do too much around the house and no one else helps. Although that might be because they can't do it to your satisfaction. You're always doing more and you can't relax and really enjoy the kids. The messes trigger you. And the very thing that kept you safe as a kid is backfiring on you now. Maybe you grew up in a home with a lot of chaos or with a parent who is an alcoholic. So you learn to be a caretaker for that parent. After all, why wouldn't you? And then you find yourself as an adult feeling compelled to look after everyone's needs, to manage the emotional temperature of the home.

8:17You're the stable one, the one everyone can count on to fix everything and soothe everyone's emotions. But the problem is no one is there for you. You get taken for granted. You discover that you've married a man whose emotions you have to manage just like you did with your own dad or mom. You discover that your friends only really call you when they need help and want to dump on you. And only afterwards do they kind of casually ask about you. But then they're right back to talking about themselves. And I find this a lot with nurses, with teachers, with social workers who are amazing at taking care of everyone else but not themselves.

8:59A lot of women get stuck in this caretaker role, marrying someone who needs to be fixed, just like your parents. Did you see how that works? Or maybe you had that martyr mother who did everything for everybody else, but became resentful when none of her needs were met. We want to break those patterns. Maybe you grew up in a home in which a parent was verbally or physically abusive, so you learn to walk on eggshells and not speak up so your mom and dad didn't get angry at you or even hit you. You learn to keep the peace at all costs. Some of you are still doing that now because you married someone just like that parent.

9:41Why? Because you were intimately familiar with managing other people's emotions so it was familiar to you and you were good at it and you don't know how to be assertive or speak. up because you were never allowed to as a child. And so you suffer in silence and just hope someone will notice and do what you need without you having to ask for it. That's not only frustrating, it's tragic, it's hurtful. So here's how this sabotaged our marriage early on. When I was a kid, my dad hit my mom and was exceptionally rough with my two older brothers. I learned conflict is bad. I learned to hide. So I get married to someone who was abandoned by her father and dismissed by her mom.

10:38So when we had conflict, I would disappear and run away from it, which would trigger my wife's abandonment issues. We were a perfect trauma match and you're possibly a perfect trauma match with your spouse. And there's no blame or guilt. It's not your fault. It just happens. The beautiful part is if you can recognize this, you don't have to blame each other. You don't have to feel guilt for it, you can say, oh, now we can begin to break that pattern and create healthy ones. Many of you were just ignored and not noticed as kids. Your parents were working all the time. Your voice was not heard. So you were left feeling like questioning your importance and your value because you were not prioritized and you have a hard time speaking up and you get triggered very easily when your kids don't listen to you because that is a lifelong pattern that has hurt you.

11:46Some of you internalize shame and a feeling that you are so deeply flawed that you can't be loved and you develop this internal critic inside that can be vicious towards you. And so you sacrifice who you are in a desperate attempt to feel a sense of belonging. Now it's time to heal and reparent yourself. So many parents are finding healing in becoming parents now because you get to treat your own child in ways that you never experienced as a child. And it's a wonderful process, but it's not easy. So see if this resonates. This was from a guy. He said, here's how I've applied this insight. I'm a 40-year-old man.

12:38Therapy seemed like endless talking about feelings, but it was after I read through these plain speaking scenarios that I finally was able to spot the pattern that has plagued me and played out my entire life. I withdraw. When my wife and I have conflict, I find ways to disappear into work or even into playing with the kids so we don't have to deal with our issues. When the kids are acting up and there is chaos, I run errands and leave my wife alone. Well, guess what? She was abandoned as a kid by her father emotionally. All of a sudden, it made sense to me. So now I am practicing two new skills.

13:29When my wife and I have conflict, I sit next to her. Sometimes we don't even talk, but we are with each other. And it's oddly comforting to my wife and extraordinarily uncomfortable for me, but it's working. and I have practiced inviting the kids to help me in the garage or backyard instead of withdrawing when things get chaotic. It's made a huge difference and I'm really proud of the progress we've made. Man, you know what? I cannot tell you how beautiful that is. When I read this email the first time and he talked about like, so, and I want to cry right now, right? Because I'm picturing, look, picture this.

14:17This is a guy, a good guy, but he's been plagued his whole life by this pattern that played out when he was a child. And his wife, and you find yourself together, and you've got these kids, and it's really hard. And you find yourself hurting each other. And so you begin, normal thing is to blame each other as if you're bad people. But then this guy's realizing, I can't do this anymore. so this is what chokes me up is like now he's sitting on the sofa next to his wife do you know how beautiful that is and how hard that is are they having deep discussions right now not yet but they're together and that is a beautiful thing and the wife is doing something beautiful by not forcing him to talk right now because just being in the room and sitting next to her is enough right now.

15:15I find that to be incredibly courageous and beautiful. So well done and you should be proud of yourselves for that. Our home layout is a little odd so regular lamps with cords are a tripping hazard. So I went to Wayfair.com and ordered two cordless rechargeable lamps that we use for reading so we don't have to waste energy turning on like six overhead lights. It has been a game changer for us, and Wayfair makes it easy. Big selection, lots of specific reviews, and fast-free shipping. I especially appreciate that even I could assemble the lamps. But if you ever need help, Wayfair has easy installation and assembly options.

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16:41When eating disorders show up, they can completely hijack a child's brain. That moodiness, withdrawal, combative behavior isn't them. It's the illness. The good news is the earlier you get support, the easier recovery is. And that's why I want to reintroduce you to Equip. Equip is a fully virtual eating disorder treatment program that brings best-in-class, evidence-based care right to your home. Every family gets an entire team, a therapist, dietician, medical provider, and mentors who've been through this themselves. They're experts in treating all eating disorders, even lesser-known ones like ARFID.

17:17There's no wait list. It's covered by most insurance plans. And you can talk to an expert right away to get answers. So if something in your gut is telling you to look deeper, listen to it. Visit equip.health.com to get a free consultation with Equip. That's equip.health.com. So we talk all the time about giving our kids adult responsibilities. And many of our kids love cooking. It's sensory, it's creative, and it makes them feel grown up. So let your kids order a couple Hungry Root meals every week, and then they can be the chef on those nights. The Hungry Root recipes are super easy. Even I can fix them.

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18:37Code CALM. So before we get to more specific action steps, I want to share my experience quickly. So I'm a little boy. I notice my two older brothers get yelled at and sometimes hit. I'm the third born. Well, I don't want to be treated like that. and it also horrifies me when I hear my mom screaming. So I become a chameleon, an expert observer. I can tell what kind of mood my dad is in when he gets home from work by the way he closes or slams the door of his Chevy Impala. I disappear to my room and learn to be very quiet. Or I would meet my dad at the door and ask him if he wanted to play catch because he really loves sports and that was kind of a happy place and I figured, well, if he's outside with me playing catch, that means he's not hitting my mom or my brothers.

19:29See how that works and that played out later in my life with him. Early on, I was learning how to keep myself safe and run interference so my dad wouldn't explode at my mom or brothers. Well, guess what? The reason I'm really good at what I do now is I can see patterns. I sense underlying tensions really well. But that also meant when I got into my 30s, I realized all my friends were big talkers who never listened to me. That I didn't know how to handle conflict. I just hid. I was tentative and tried to always be the peacemaker at my own expense. And I just realized something a couple years ago.

20:14Case and I used to travel a lot back in the day for live speaking events. And that meant hundreds of nights in hotel rooms together over the years. And one day, Casey said, Dad, when you get up in the middle of the night, why do you tiptoe? And so I just replied reflexively, well, I don't want to wake you up or be loud for the people in the room below us. And that sounded awfully chivalrous, right? Until I remembered the real reason. When I was a little kid, we lived in this three-bedroom home with all three bedrooms close to each other. And we had four boys in two bedrooms. if I got up to pee in the middle of the night and stepped on a floorboard that creaked my dad would yell in his deep angry voice who's out of bed and that was terrifying when you're a little kid so I would run and jump under the covers with my heart beating so fast that was that was almost 50 that was 50 years ago and I can remember it viscerally so here I was in my 40s and early 50s even tiptoeing in hotels and through life so my dad wouldn't be mad at me.

21:22That stuff is deep inside of us. Now here's one more dynamic to be aware of. To get the love, connection, validation, safety, or acceptance from your parents, did you have to sacrifice your own authenticity or become less of who you really are? see in some ways this becomes a pattern of recurring self-betrayal in which you convince yourself that being someone other than who you are is the only way that other people will love and accept you in some ways your past is running your life and if you're not aware of it it's likely causing you to suffer and the insidious part is we relive and recreate these patterns over and over again because they're just familiar and they reinforce these deeply held beliefs that many of us have see i really am not worthy of being loved and accepted and listened to see they were right to reject me see i don't deserve to have a good spouse or partner and that means we just have to create some change with this so so we can change these patterns let's go through some different ways to address these wounds and look i here's my caveat you know this i can't accomplish all of this in a podcast right but i want to give you some things to think about and then a couple action steps even if you do just what that young that gentleman did before which is i don't run away and hide anymore and i sit next to my wife like that's so awesomely beautiful so here are some questions to think about you'll find more if you go through our programs and we do have we we're doing that um a black friday and march sale just because i want to it's my birthday month so if you get that you go through the 30 days to calm workbook here are some questions what did you want most as a child and not get because you're likely still trying to get that did you have to sacrifice who you are or betray your individuality or authenticity in order to be accepted or feel safe as a child?

23:35And you can think about like, well, how did that play out in childhood? And how is that pattern playing out now? What role, think about this, what role did you play as a child in order to feel wanted, important, or safe? Have you continued to play this role in your work and personal life? And you can recognize, hey, this has helped me a lot in my job, but it has sabotaged me in my marriage or with kids or with friends in X or Y ways. So when I slip back into some of those negative patterns or need help with this, I often use the following language. And look, I know this seems hokey or weird to some of you, and I get that, but you just may find it helpful because I do.

24:18So I will often say this affirmation. Hey, when I was a little boy, I learned that I had to hide and not speak in order to stay safe. And that was really smart of me. It served me well as a little kid. But I am a grown man now. And I don't have to walk on eggshells. I am safe. I am confident. Here's why I like that. And I'll do a couple more. Why I like it is there's no shaming. It's not like going back and being like, oh, I was such a bad kid. Why did I do that? There's not all this kind of angst over that. It's a simple recognition. And you're kind of, again, I know this is weird. but you're kind of talking to that part of you inside, if you want to call it your inner child, but that part of you inside that did that for you when you were a kid.

25:08And it says, hey, when you were a little Kirk, like you were smart, man. Like that was really, really courageous of you. And you adapted to that situation well, really well done. That served you well in your professional life. Well done. but now it's sabotaging my relationships with the people I love most so I get to change I get to break that pattern I hope you can hear that there's a power in that for some of you for moms out there when I was a little girl I learned to just do as I was told so I wouldn't get in trouble and that was smart of me it worked but now I'm a grown woman I don't have to pretend to be someone else.

25:53I am worthy of being respected and heard and listened to. So now I am going to start doing X or Y. I like those affirmations. I use them every so often and say, hey, little guy, well done, but now I've grown up and I can move. I can handle this differently now. Now here's one that I added in the program. And I find this to be very, very powerful. So it's writing a letter to that protective child, that child inside that protected you and I when we were kids. And it could sound like this. I am sorry you had to disguise who you were and take on adult responsibilities as a child. I'm sorry you lost your innocence and felt abandoned.

26:47I'm grateful you have served me so well, but now I release you from being responsible for everyone else. I release you from being overly cautious. I release you from walking on eggshells and managing everybody else's emotions. You served me well and did your job. Now we can relax and be ourselves. We can be confident. We can expect to be treated well. This has been a long, hard fight. It's time for us to be free. For me, there is something very powerful about joining with that part of me, with that part of you who protected you as a kid and becoming free together. And I'd encourage you, spend some time writing out a couple of those declarations for yourself, those affirmations, when I was a little boy, when I was a little girl, and then writing that out to release that part of you to now move forward and to recognize those patterns.

28:03and now we can start practicing new behaviors and developing new skills like treating yourself with respect, like being assertive so we can break the old patterns. Hey, thank you. Look, I know this stuff is not easy. I know it's really hard. For some of you, it just sounds odd to be doing this but I hope the way that's framed will help you like that dad, like the mom at the beginning who are like, oh, I'm recognizing this good no guilt no blame no shame in that at all i also don't have to spend endless hours thinking and feeling about the emotions i'm not against that but sometimes that can be suffocating instead it's like okay i recognize that i see that but now can you hear i hope you can hear in my voice there is a hey i've been through that i've done that but now i'm free from that And I'm a grown adult, and so I can begin to take very specific actions like sitting in my discomfort, not having to fix everyone's moods and emotions, being assertive, speaking up for myself, that free me from that.

29:12Young moms and dads, older moms and dads, I'm proud of you. I am really proud of you for this. If we can help you, just let us know. We have the Black Friday and March sale going on, but if you need additional financial help, you reach out to us. And that's called being assertive about your needs and knowing that you are worthy of being helped. Practice that. Okay. Love you all. We'll talk to you next time. Bye-bye. With markets changing and living costs rising, finding a reliable place to grow your money matters now more than ever. In the Wealthfront Cash account, your uninvested cash can earn up to 3.95 % APY.

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