Catch Your Child Stealing, Sneaking Screens, Drinking, Vaping, Watching Porn? #515

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2:08So what should you do if you have a younger child who is sneaking food or screens late at night, or a child has stolen your credit card to purchase video games, apps, or other things online? How do you approach your teen or tween when you discover beer cans under their bed, a vaping pen in their backpack, or porn on their phone? Now, you should be alarmed and scared and angry, but before you react and create a defensive response from your child, I hope this podcast will help you because I want to give you a specific script and action plan that you can have in place. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

2:47Welcome. This is Kirk Martin. founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us in our back-to-school sale at CelebrateCalm.com. And I'm very active on Instagram, at Calm Parenting Podcast. We have a really supportive community without all that icky social media mess. And quick note, for my friends on Facebook and TikTok where we are, I just don't have the time to be everywhere, so I focus my energy on Instagram. so consider joining us there because I answer questions there. I post more there and I think you'll find the other parents there are super supportive and it's awesome. So thank you for that.

3:28Okay, here's the deal. As modern parents, you're going to have to deal with things your parents didn't have to. Easy access to porn, screen addictions, earlier onset of puberty and talk about sex, vaping and more. And the larger goal for me in this is to make sure you become the trusted resource your child feels comfortable talking to about all these issues. But if you overreact, lecture, or shame, your kids will find out all kinds of wrong information from their friends and social media. So here's what I do not want to do. Do not go in with the harsh, accusatory, old-school approach. What were you thinking?

4:10How many times have we told you? Why would you do something like this? Do you know how upset we are? Explain why you did that, young man, young woman. I mean, what are you expecting your child to say in that moment? Well, Dad, my hormones are raging and I'm socially awkward, but you gave me this phone where I can see videos of naked women for free, so I thought I'd check it out. And I was embarrassed to come to you and talk to you about it for obvious reasons. See, none of that is helpful. It will cause your child to get better at hiding things from you and doing things in secret. Now, I also don't want to use that overly sweet tone and talk like this because it sounds condescending and so heavy.

4:53It can also sound like you're excusing the behavior. Now, very decisive action and serious consequences will be part of the remedy to send a clear message that this behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated or excused. But that's where most people stop. But unfortunately, external consequences don't usually address the underlying reason your kids are engaging in this behavior. And that's what I'm really after. So a couple general principles first. In tough situations like these, talk one-on-one. Your strong-willed kids usually feel teamed up on anyway, like everybody is against them. And they're going to be embarrassed that they got caught.

5:40So one-on-one conversations tend to be more constructive. Plus sometimes it just gets too heavy when both parents are there staring at a child and they kind of tune out. Now, look, there are exceptions. When you're talking about activities that are life-threatening, maybe both of you need to be there to send that message and support each other. But in general, I prefer one-on-one talks. Now, secondly, come alongside and teach. Remember to protect, not really punish, right? So think about this. When your kids were infants and they were about to bump their heads or fall down stairs, as they were navigating this new world, as your teens and tweens and older kids are, what did we do?

6:27We'd kind of lift them up and redirect them to safety without them even being aware of it. Our instinct was to protect, not punish. We didn't start screaming at them, stop being curious and exploring. Why are you doing that? But as our kids get older, we tend to shift toward punishing. It's kind of like we get indignant, frustrated, and angry because they're making our life more difficult and triggering our anxiety. but instead I really want to come alongside to help them navigate their way through life because we're all still learning how to navigate our way through life. So let's work our way through these different issues and we'll start with behaviors from younger kids that are less serious to more serious activities by your teens and tweens.

7:16So let's take a child sneaking food or electronics late at night. Look, I would be shocked if this did not happen at some point with your strong will kids. So you can probably count on this. And I have noticed a general pattern as well that many adopted kids really struggle in this area. It seems like there's this endless bucket inside them that needs to be filled. And I recorded two episodes about adopted kids back in March on the 21st and 28th. They're episodes number 460 and 463. I think you'll find them helpful. So number one, normalize it. Don't be shocked. I mean, why wouldn't an impulsive kid want to keep playing video games or sneak food, especially if they're not allowed to have some of these snacks much?

8:05Why wouldn't they sneak that at night? And I think it's fine to say, well, of course you'd want to sneak your iPad in the middle of the night. Who wouldn't want to play something that fun? Normalizing isn't excusing. It doesn't mean you're encouraging them to do it more or letting them off the hook. It simply recognizes that this is pretty normal behavior and you're not shocked. Now, obviously, this is followed by an even matter of fact. Hey, I understand why you'd want to do this, but you know this is acceptable in our home. Number two, be curious and try to discover the root of what's causing this behavior.

8:43Why is your child seeking these things? We always try to get to what are the internal needs that are being met. So instead of an interrogation, why would you do this? How many times have we told you? Because that elicits a defensive response. Be genuinely curious. Be a detective. You're coming alongside your child to teach because discipline means to teach, to help your child, not punish or entrap them. Hey, so I'm curious. Do you kind of like the challenge of planning and sneaking the food or your iPad in the middle of the night? Do you like the strategic planning of kind of figuring out when we're going to fall asleep and you're really good at seeing patterns?

9:28so you know, like, did I go to bed, but I get up one time to go to the bathroom, and I flush the toilet, and after that, I'm asleep, and so you can sneak downstairs? When you do get up in the middle of the night, is that kind of a huge rush or thrill to do something you know is against the rules when it's dark? Do you like the thrill of getting away with it, using your strategic skills to outsmart us? And when you finally get your hands on that food or the iPad, what does it feel like? Now you and I know this provides a dopamine hit and it stimulates their brains. And you've heard me talk about our kids' need for intensity.

10:09Now look, some of it is they're just impulsive kids. But it can be really helpful for your kids to know exactly what they're getting out of this activity inside instead of merely thinking there's some rebellious bad kid. So now that I know that, number three, I can problem solve. See, if you can establish the needs that are being met by sneaking things, you can provide lots of alternatives that also get that brain stimulation and intensity without any of the negatives, without them losing things. So you could say something like, hey, here's something else I know and really admire about you. You have a really big heart, usually toward other people, not you.

10:53But you have a really big heart and you love earning money. Since your brain craves that intensity and brain stimulation, why don't we put all of that energy into starting a couple little businesses in the neighborhood? Then you can earn money, you can invest some and give away some. Maybe we help kids with cancer. and I'll even match part of the amount you invest and donate to charity. See, what I'm doing is providing a different positive way to meet these needs and I would brainstorm some different options based on what your kids are into. Maybe for some of your kids, it's some kind of physical challenge they want to throw themselves into or some larger goal of raising money for a charity.

11:40That will motivate them. Now, number four, we give a consequence. And you'll notice in this case, I did not lead with consequences. That's because consequences are largely ineffective at changing our kids' behavior because they usually don't get to the root of the issue. And I didn't want to send the message that it's some kind of game now of trying to get around consequences because many of your kids, they see it as a game. And I wanted to lead with teaching and problem solving. Now, in this case, I would lock away the iPad for, say, two weeks where they physically cannot find it or get into it.

12:15But again, there's a warning here, which is some kids will see this as an even bigger challenge. So make sure you're filling that need with different challenges. Okay, with that said, let's do an example in which I would impose a severe consequence. So let's say you wake up one morning or a week later, you notice some odd charges on your credit card statement and you don't recognize. And so you call your credit card company and it becomes apparent that your child used your credit card to spend, say,$150 online. Now, you'll be angry and frustrated and you should be. In this case, I don't really think it's as much about the need for brain stimulation as it is about an impulsive kid wanting what he wants in that moment.

13:04So I would actually lead with a no-nonsense, decisive consequence and expect your child to lie and kind of deny, I didn't do this. Someone else used your card with my name, right, online. They're going to do that, but don't be moved by that. So here are examples of what I would do. Well, the computer or video games are immediately taken away and locked up, and your child must do work around the house and outside the home if necessary because they can do odd jobs for neighbors, to pay back the$150 that they stole. Additionally, I would tack on an extra$50 fine to pay for your time that's spent calling the credit card company and to send a very clear message.

13:56Look, I do want this to hurt in the sense that they will be miserable so that day after day, as they do extra jobs and they're working off this money they owe you and that fine, it reinforces this can never happen again. And I would not give in and be satisfied with tears and reassurance that I'll never do this again. It has nothing to do with being mean or vindictive at all because you know when I discipline, I don't take it personally and I I don't make it personal. I don't get into, you know what, if you would have stolen my credit card, I wouldn't have to do this to you. None of that. I'm just letting them know, hey, here's how life works.

14:42So you lost your video games, you're paying the money back, and you're paying a little bit of an extra fine on top of that. See, I'm just taking decisive action. It's the same, look, if your child continually speeds after being told that they cannot do so, you take decisive action. If you catch them drinking or doing drugs, you take away their driver's license immediately for, say, a month. Endless talks and lectures and trying to convince them not to do these things, it never works. And it just sounds like it's weakness to them. Look, your child chose this. They chose this. You didn't. They chose the outcome.

15:26If you don't want to use the word consequence, you can say they chose the outcome. So with stolen credit cards, I lead with a matter-of-fact consequence, but later on, I can also role-play with them. Hey, I want you to practice coming to me and asking me if you can purchase X or Y. And I also want them to practice being disappointed, because much of the time, you are going to say, no, you cannot do that. and then you say okay if I say no to that okay you can get it if you earn the money and so I want them to learn if they want something they're going to have to earn it and I'd also continue to practice impulse control with your kids because it's something that requires practice now if you have our programs listen to the updated discipline that works program for a lot of ideas on teaching kids impulse control.

16:21Okay, let's do some examples of kind of the deeper approach when kids are vaping, drinking, smoking pot, or they've gotten into porn.

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18:38So even though it's pretty normal for kids to experiment, it is right to be alarmed, frightened, and angry. These behaviors have real consequences that can be devastating. Addiction, adverse health outcomes, getting expelled from school, car accidents, just poor decisions that can affect their life. So obviously you clearly communicate that it's unacceptable in your home because it's dangerous. And you can impose a curfew, take away the driver's license, restrict usage of any screens in your child's bedroom. And I would do this, I think globally, kind of for all kids, is I only allow screens in common living areas.

19:19I would contact your doctor, your pediatrician, and consider contacting a local treatment center just to ask them for advice. Your child may need help from a therapist who specializes in anxiety, teen addiction, pornography, etc. So pursue different routes. And you can normalize this to some degree, which I did with Casey all the time. Look, I understand why you'd be curious about pornography. I understand why I'd be curious about all these other things because your friends are doing it. That's not excusing it. It's just saying, this is pretty normal. I'm not freaked out about this. I can say, I'm disappointed by this.

20:04I'm upset about that. That's perfectly fine. But what I most want is to help my child understand why he or she is doing this and then discover healthier ways to meet the internal needs. Now, here are a few root causes to consider. One, broken relationships within the home. Let's just say, for example, if dad and son don't get along, and especially if they've never really connected well, well, look, if I'm a kid, using substances can cover some of that pain. It can also be a way to get back at a parent the child is angry at, and that sometimes happens in divorce situations. broken relationships with peers look kids like ours who struggle to connect with peers sometimes they'll do they'll engage in different behaviors because they're a little bit socially awkward and they think it will help them get along with other kids or fit in in a different way it's why your kids sometimes act silly in class because they want to make other kids laugh and awkward kind of socially awkward kids, they might be more drawn to porn.

21:15They struggle talking to girls, right? Broken relationships with a boyfriend or girlfriend. But people use alcohol and drugs to escape the pain of heartache all the time. So it wouldn't be any different that kids would seek that as well. We've talked about brain stimulation and that dopamine hit. Now our kids are very vulnerable to this since they generally seek intensity and brain stimulation. And so if they can find that in one of these avenues, well, that's just meeting this need. By the way, we've been through this. It's kind of why kids push your buttons. It's why they pick on their siblings.

21:53They're getting that quick brain stimulation and intensity. So we always talk about meeting that proactively in positive ways. And then to relieve anxiety. And our kids are acutely susceptible to this because many of them struggle with anxiety. And I've heard this a lot from kids who vape or drink or get high. Well, it just helps relieve my anxiety. It helps me sleep better. And I think it can be helpful and reasonable to identify with your teen or tween struggles and say, look I can see how that would help with anxiety or fitting in with your friends. That's just an honest statement because how many of us as adults drink a glass of wine or to relax or ease into social situations?

22:40I'm not saying it's right. I'm not saying it's right for your child or us to do this just that it makes sense and I don't want to overreact because that will kill honest discussions and likely cause your child to hide this even more. Now, the next step is to find constructive ways to meet these internal needs the child was trying to meet through negative ways, stimulating the brain, relieving anxiety, building friendships, confidence, and a sense of purpose. So number one, what are positive, healthy ways? You can ask your child. You can relieve your anxiety and stress. And we can go through. Exercise is one.

23:17Whatever your family's into, whether it's meditation, being involved in a youth group, something with their faith, perspective can help. This is a big one for our kids because I don't think we had as much pressure on us in many ways to like do own school, take honors classes from a very young age. And I think stepping back and saying, hey, you know what? That test you're taking in that eighth grade, that's not going to determine your future. Neither is the one that you take in 11th grade. You've got a long life ahead of you. School's kind of hard right now, but your whole life is not determined by how you do in school.

23:52That perspective can really ease a lot of anxiety. Now, I would personally, one of my favorites is to offer and maybe even require that my child begin working out with me several days a week because that really helps with anxiety. It helps with stress and it will build connection. and you could bond by asking your child say hey look I'm getting a little bit older getting a little you know flabby here could you develop a workout routine so that I could get back in shape because one of the best bonding things is for your kids to actually teach you something instead of you know you're in trouble so I'm going to make you go to the gym with me three days a week no make it kind of fun go on hikes do different kinds of exercises number two if your child struggle socially to fit in with peers, well, that can drive your child to take risks or do activities to appear cool.

24:43I'd encourage you, listen to episode number 501, 501 for July 20th, because I go through 12 ways to help your kids connect with peers. I think that will help you. Number three, repair a broken relationship with your child. That should have been number one, but you've got to repair that broken relationship. Because if, for example, like we talked about before, father and child have never really connected well, well, this is the time to take that seriously. In fact, some of these things can be an immature kind of way that your child is saying, hey, something's going wrong and I don't know how to deal with it.

25:20And so now you can say, okay, I've got to really dig into this. I would recommend specifically going through the No BS instruction manual because there are 25 specific action steps that are designed to rebuild broken relationships and connection is the most powerful way to change human behavior. That program is part of the Calm Parenting Bundle, but if you want it alone, it's on our website at celebratepalm.com or you can email Casey about that. Number four, you can normalize how tough life can be and that you still struggle with the inevitable stressors of a job, raising a family, and we all still have peer pressure in our 30s, 40s, and 50s.

26:01Share how you handle that stress and anxiety in positive ways. Maybe you two can begin doing a new activity together that they're interested in that will help with this. And then I'd use the mission and mentor process. I use this with kids, mainly kids as they get to be about 10 and above. But here's the shortcut answer to mission and mentor. I really want to get, especially teens and tweens, doing just one constructive activity, helping another adult. And I would honestly pay an elderly neighbor to ask your child and say, hey, Stephen, could you come down to my house? Because I could really use some help because I can't reach certain things and you're really strong.

26:49Could you come help me do a couple jobs around the house? And And here's what happens when you do that. It gives your child some connection with someone who is older and grounding. It helps them feel a sense of purpose. Like they have something to give someone else. Because they come home and they're like, oh, I helped Mr. Johnson. That feels good inside. I want your kids using their gifts and passions to help animals. Some of your kids are amazing with animals. So have them volunteer at an animal rescue or at a vet's office. Because guess what? They meet other people, have a similar interest.

27:26They're involved. Their brain is focused on doing something good and helpful. And it just feels good. Some of your kids are awesome with younger kids. So having them help a coach who coaches, say your kids are into soccer. Well, ask a coach who coaches younger kids to ask your child to come and help. because your kids are good at helping younger kids. And now they've got a sense of purpose and they've got connection and they've got accountability because that soccer coach can say, hey, if you're not doing your homework, if you're messing around with all this other stuff, you're not helping the kids that I'm working with because I want them to have a good role model.

28:04Seniors are often great. Service projects, starting a side business, helping someone in the neighborhood. These are all grounding activities that build confidence, purpose, and connection. and that also help with anxiety as well. So when you encounter difficult situations, slow your world down inside, take your time, approach it in a stoic way, kind of think through this process, maybe even go back and listen to this. Problem solve and protect more than you punish. I hope this gives you a framework. I know I can't answer every single situation in a podcast, But I hope this gives you a framework for handling tough situations with your kids.