Child Goes From 0-60 Emotionally? Lies When Confronted? 10 Quick Phrases to Calm Any Situation. #630

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2:57That's code CALM for an exclusive 30 % off. It's the biggest savings of the season. And please tell Cozy Earth the Calm Parenting Guy sent you. You're going to love Cozy Earth as much as we do. So do you have a child who goes from zero to 60 emotionally, who lies when confronted with misbehavior, who loves to argue like an attorney or push your buttons? What about a child who is shut down or feels misunderstood? How can you get a toddler, a tween, or a teen to actually listen to you? I want to give you 10 quick phrases you can use in different situations to de-escalate and stop the power struggles, probably within the next few minutes after you stop listening to this podcast.

3:41So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin. You can find us at celebratecalm.com. So here's the thing, your words can inflame a situation like a match in a dry haystack. But the flip side is that your words can calm almost any situation very quickly. No matter what your child says or does later today or tomorrow, you get to choose the words you use. You are completely in control of whether you inflame or calm the situation. Unless you can't control yourself and you've got to work on that, right? So these phrases and statements, they won't solve every problem, but they will begin to de-escalate situations.

4:26And then you can problem solve and get to the root. So practice even speaking these out loud while you're listening to them, while you're driving in the car so they become more natural. And you'll probably have an opportunity to use them very quickly because you have strong-willed kids. And if you have a child with the traits associated with PDA, pathological demand avoidance, this is even more important. So do listen to the PDA Parent Podcast. Again, that's at CelebrateCalm.com. So number one, you know what? I think I misunderstood or misjudged your intentions. Our kids often feel very misunderstood and that causes them to lash out, be defiant or shut down.

5:11Not to mention just feeling hurt and lonely. You could even ask this as a question. Hey, did I just misunderstand or misjudge your motives or intentions? try that sometime with your child, with your spouse, especially with your spouse. Because we're always, sometimes we end up assuming the worst or we misjudge their intentions. I promise it will make a big difference. And this is very personal for me. Look, you can call me a jerk or an a-hole. I won't flinch because I can be those things. And that doesn't really bother me. But if you misjudge my motives or assign bad intentions to what I'm doing, that cuts deeply.

5:54Everyone wants to feel understood. This phrase is more powerful than you can imagine, especially with an older child who's kind of felt misunderstood his or her entire life. Number two, I'm curious. I've done this one before. Hey, when we're upset at our child's behavior, we tend to say things like, what were you thinking? How many times do I have to tell you? And those questions are demeaning. They're counterproductive. They put the child on the defensive. Would you allow your spouse to question you like that? What were you thinking? No, your response would be, well, I'm rethinking my marriage choice is what I'm thinking.

6:33You wouldn't put up with a boss interrogating you like that. Plus, there's no good answer. What's your child supposed to say? Well, I was thinking I love to feel like you're perpetually disappointed in me and I like losing all my video games. But I'm curious says, hey, I'm not mad at you. I'm coming alongside you to help you, not punish you. I want to help you make a better choice next time. So I'm curious, what was going on inside that caused you to lash out at your sister or your mother or your dad? It's an invitation to share without fear of reprisals or lectures. So just get in the habit of saying this in a casual tone.

7:14I use this probably every day of my life with someone. and I say, hey, I'm curious. I'm wondering. Because you're exploring, and you want to help them. It's just a great phrase. Number three, you know what? That doesn't sound like you. So your child's upset. They're lashing out defiantly. And you have every right to say, young lady, you will not speak to me like that with that tone. Look, a snotty tone on your part will escalate the situation very quickly, if that's what you want. And if your daughter's like our son Casey, she'll taunt you with her reply, right? just did. So next time, just sit down, cross your legs and say in a matter of fact tone, you know, that doesn't sound like you.

7:55And you could add this if it doesn't sound patronizing. You know, I usually notice that tone when you're frustrated or you're anxious about a new activity. And I like saying it like that because that's a statement of fact. I'm just making an observation and you're helping your child recognize a pattern. You're also separating the behavior from the child. Now, the hard part is it does sound like your child a lot of the time. But let me give you this analogy. You have rough days like I do. When you yell at your kids or you do something that you're not proud of, how would you like it if your spouse or friend said, you know what, you're really out of control.

8:37I can't believe that you would say that. No, what you want is for someone to assume the best about your intentions and say, hey, you know what? That doesn't sound like the real you, honey. That sounds like you just had a bad day. It sounds like you're overwhelmed. See, this phrase can be disarming in the moment. A moment when your child is most likely angry at himself or herself for being upset. They're beating themselves up, even muttering, I'm done. I'm so stupid. because they think this angry, upset, or out-of-control child is who they really are, who they're destined to be, who they feel incapable of changing.

9:17And now you've just provided clarity. You reframed the situation, and you're going to show them how to deal with their frustration and disappointment in healthy ways. Number four, I know that you know that was wrong. You have kids who make short-sighted choices. Why? Why? Because they're emotional. They have poor impulse control because kids are supposed to have poor impulse control. That's how you learn. That's when you learn. You don't want 35 and 45 and 60-year-olds with poor impulse control. And so then when you try to hold them accountable for their choices, they usually lie. And then you get upset because they lied right to your face.

9:56But most of our kids lie because they want to avoid your disappointment and the consequences. They're ashamed of their behavior. So they lie to cover up their lack of impulse control. It's very common. But take a minute and put yourself in your strong-willed child's shoes. Now, some of you can't relate because you were always the good child growing up. But imagine if you were in trouble constantly. It's like a cop is trailing you 24-7, just waiting for you to mess up. That's what it feels like for many of your kids as they go through the school day when they're home, maybe when one spouse gets home who's a little bit more critical.

10:34And at the exact moment our kids are feeling ashamed, we say things like, I can't believe you would do that. Well, like what if I saw you in the grocery store snapping at your kids and said, I can't believe you'd yell at your kids that way, especially after listening to my podcast. Well, you'd bury your head in shame or you'd come up with an excuse which I would quickly cut down. Although then I'd say, you know what, that doesn't sound like you. You're just overwhelmed with all these kids. So look, we can be so quick to punish or give kids consequences that we rarely get to the root of the behavior and teach them how to do it differently the next time.

11:12And that's what discipline is. It means to teach. So try this instead. Hey, I know that you know what you just did was wrong. I'm not upset at you. I'm not surprised. I'm just curious. what was going on to frustrate you. Because my assumption is you don't want to say hurtful things. Hey, so why don't we rewind that situation and practice doing it differently? See, now you've assumed the best about your child's intentions. You've acknowledged that he or she isn't just being difficult on purpose. And they can be at times when they're looking for brain stimulation and emotional engagement. You're not making it into some big deal or creating a lot of drama.

11:51and instead of focusing your energy on their outward behavior, you're helping them get to the root of the issue. That's teaching. Number five, I'm actually feeling really frustrated right now, so I'm going to take some time and space to work through my own frustration. See, instead of telling your kids what to do and trying to control others or blaming them for triggering you, you're being assertive about what you need and about what you're going to do. And remember this principle, I cannot control what you are going to do, but I can always tell you what I am going to do. It's really good modeling for your kids.

12:28So instead of lashing out, you're working on your own response to their behavior or to your own mood. I like that one. Number six, what about kids who are relentless arguers? You may not like this. You don't have to do this. I did this on a few occasions with Casey because he would just come at me. and occasionally I'd say, you know what? I think you're right about that.

12:52Heather McAllister:Now, how many times have you got into endless back and forths with your child, whether they're three or 13, and they get you riled up and you feel the need to prove your point and show them the error of your ways, but you've been blessed with the most persistent child on the planet, so your child won't and can't let it go, so now it becomes a competition to see who wins, and no one wins a power struggle. How many of you ever complained, You know, my child just likes to get the last word in. But the real issue is that you need to get the last word in. And you'll justify it saying, well, I'm the authority figure.

13:28And this always escalates. So who's going to be the grown-up here? Not your child. That's your job. So next time you find yourself in this endless loop of arguing, stop and just say, you know what? I think you're right about that. And then you can walk away. Your child has probably never heard this his entire life. It's so disarming. disarming, it may stop your child in their tracks and defuse that argument. I would use it with Casey once in a while just to throw him off. See, your child can be right about a situation. It doesn't mean you have to give in to your child's demands or relinquish your authority, but you don't have to prove your point in every situation.

14:09They may not be correct, and that's okay. That's just really hard. If you go through the 30 Days to Calm program, which you need to, you'll hear me confess that it took me an entire year to break that pattern of proving my point to my family. It is a horrible trait that we fall into. So I hope your child argues with you tonight so you can try this one right away. Now this is one of my all-time favorites with a strong-willed child. We're at the grocery store the other day And a nice young couple smiles and points to their cart And I see Cure hydrating electrolyte packets in there It's funny, they didn't mention the podcast or parenting They were just happy their kids began the school year Drinking Cure instead of expensive sports drinks That are loaded with sugar And they said, our kids think it's a special treat Because they love the kids' flavors So they're drinking more water That's a big win for our kids Finally, something delicious you can feel good about giving your kids.

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16:42Oh, I can tell autumn is coming because our house is filled with the aroma of soup, some warm comfort food for those chillier nights. I love this time of year. Last night, we went to Wayfair.com to check out Dutch ovens and crockpots. and don't tell Casey, but we got he and his wife an espresso machine because they have to get up early for work. They love our gifts. Wayfair has everything we need in one place. Furniture, cookware, appliances, bedding, decor. No need to shop at multiple stores and run around all day. We can quickly find what we need, discover some new ideas, and get fast, free, reliable shipping, all for a really good price within our budget.

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17:41Heather McAllister:Wayfair, every style, every home. Number seven, when your child shares or opens up and says something to you, you know, unless they're asking for your advice right away, instead of giving lecture 43B and forcing your ideas on your child, try saying something like this. You know what? I really appreciate you sharing that with me. I need to go cook dinner, fold laundry, organize the garage, walk the dog. Hey, if you want to come get me later, I'd love to share my thoughts with you. And then you walk out of the room. Now, I know you're going to be trembling thinking, how is my child going to live without my wisdom for the next two hours?

18:25But here's what you've really said to your child. I respect you enough to give you space. Space to come get me if you want to hear my opinion. And I'm giving you space to determine if you don't want to. See, that's mature. Instead of forcing your opinion on your child, you give them some ownership and space. you control your own anxiety and you invite your child into a conversation this is especially important for your kids with pda because if you try to put pressure on them they will just resist all the time and so the cool thing is this i need to take a drink of water now if your child does seek your advice later they may say okay what are your stupid ideas I'm kind of not kidding it may come out like that but if they do come to you it means they're ready to listen because you didn't force it on them they came and opened their hearts to you which means they're more likely to receive your wisdom and then there's trust built because you respected their space now just be patient don't get upset if they choose not to come to you.

19:46That's their choice. And they're probably testing you to see if you will actually give them space to own it without dumping all of your anxiety on them. And if it's been a problem before, you can just simply apologize. Hey, I'm sorry that in the past, every time you opened up and told me something, I responded with a lecture or I've created drama. Simple apology, short and sweet. I want your kids coming to you for advice, not to their teenage friends. They don't have good advice. So do create an environment in which your kids feel safe telling you anything without fearing your dreaded lecture, your drama, big response, a disappointing shake of the head.

20:27Number eight, you know, I can imagine it doesn't feel that great talking like that to your parents. Imagine is a very powerful word. Let's say your kids are spewing venom or they're being disrespectful to you. instead of reacting and getting outraged about how their outbursts make you feel, their words should be a little signal to you, kind of a warning sign, flares that go up that say, uh-oh, something negative is going on inside my child's heart. See, in this case, look, I've been through this before. You don't have to let your kids, I do not want your kids walking all over you and treating you like trash.

21:07That is not what we do. I just did one of those episodes on the PDA Parent Podcast on that because in that world, parents sometimes are told, well, you have to accommodate your child and let them speak to you like that. No, that's not good for the child. But in this case, I'm choosing not to be offended because I'm a grown adult. instead of reacting to outward behavior, you're saying, hey, I hear this outside noise, this outward behavior, but what I'm really interested in is what's going on inside of you that's causing this ick to come out. I'd like to help you get to the root of that because I imagine it doesn't feel good inside to say things like that to your mom, to your dad.

21:53Number nine, I apologize, I was wrong. Or, hey, I've been thinking about what you said, and I think I was wrong. Or you could mix that in with, hey, I think I misjudged your motives. Use this one with your spouse frequently, please. We misjudge each other's motives. It sometimes is so much easier to handle things with your kids than it is with your spouse because it's like with your kids, it's like, hey, at least they're a child, right? They're little. I can see that. Or they're a goofy teenager. But with your spouse, it's like, hey, you're a grown adult. You should know better. And yes, we should.

22:35But guess what? We're all just broken, flawed people. And the older you get, what you find out and discover is that I can understand just about any behavior now, given a little context of what people have been through. Again, not an excuse, but understanding where people come from and that we're all still figuring this out helps us be more patient. So, hey, I apologize. I was wrong. Humility is one of the most powerful calming tools you can ever use. It is almost impossible for another person, your child or spouse, to keep arguing or attacking you when you exercise humility. It's not weakness.

23:16It is supreme strength. It says you're confident enough to be vulnerable to say and not have that pride and not have that ego to apologize. The added benefit is you're modeling the very attitude you crave to see in your kids. Number 10, hey, you're not being defined or bossy right now. You're just overwhelmed. Here's some context. So almost every day for about a decade, we'd have six, eight, ten kids come to our house after school to do their homework. We'd teach them calming tools. We'd teach them social skills. And almost every day, a couple kids would march into our house and start bossing me around.

23:59And so you've got two possible responses here. You know what? You're not the boss of me. This is my house. I'm the authority here. Right? Or stop being that bossy little jerk. No wonder you don't have any friends. Now, you can think that, but don't ever say that. That's mean. but instead you can give your kids wisdom and insight and I remember this one time with this one kid I remember I tried assuming the best about his intentions and what was going on what's the root of this and then it hit me and I said oh man Sean I think I know what's going on all day at school everything is out of your control you get told what to do how to do it when to do it all day long.

24:39And then you come to my house and there are all these kids here and it's noisy and out of your control. So you begin to get bossy. And you know how I know that? Because I'm the same way. When I am tired or I don't feel well, I get very particular about things and try to control situations. So here's the thing, Sean, you're not a bossy kid. You just don't feel overwhelmed because everything's out of your control, but everything's okay here. So here's what I could really use some help with. There's a broken broom in the basement. Do you think you could find some duct tape and fix that for me? It gave him a sense of ownership, a task he could accomplish, something he could feel in control of.

25:19It was very specific. So he didn't have to control me or the other kids. See, a child who feels in control of himself or herself doesn't have to control others. Do you know how reassuring it feels as a kid to know that you're not just a bossy jerk, you're just overwhelmed. And this is one of my favorite things to do with our kids because it is insight they can use for the rest of their lives. So they know, oh, when I feel anxious or overwhelmed, instead I can focus on a mission, something I'm good at completing. And I'll give you one more fantastic idea. So a dad email and said, Kirk, my wife and I decided to take a risk.

26:00We let our two kids, ages eight and 10, listen to a few of the downloadable programs. It's in the Calm Parenting Bundle before we did. And we said, hey, tell us three things you want us to change over the summer, as long as the ideas are calm guy approved. And he said their requests were interesting. Number one, they asked their parents, please stop lecturing us. It makes it sound like we're being treated like babies. Number two, they asked dad to stop shaking his head in disapproval like you admitted to in the program because in the programs, I go through all the things that I did wrong and why.

26:40And they said, when I shake my head at them, it makes them feel defeated and like they can never please me. And they said, number three, this one blew us away. They said they want more freedom and to be treated more like adults. They heard Casey say on his program, one of the 17 programs is Casey's Straight Talk for Kids. It's based on his school assemblies he used to do. And he says, if you can control yourself, then your parents won't have to. So they promised they would get better at getting off their screens when asked without complaining or fighting us. and they've been doing this and it's awesome.

27:19They also said they would be responsible for one meal every night, but my little attorney made it clear that did not include cleaning up afterwards. And I can't tell you how much this has changed our everyday life so much more than all the therapy and it's worth every penny. So I hope you can use a few of these phrases in the next few minutes when your kids are coming after you. And if you and your family, and I say your family, go through it with your kids, want to go through that Calm Parenting Bundle. And if you need financial help, email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, SalveryCalm.com. He'll help you. We want to see your family change.