Controversial Q&A: ODD, Tween Won’t Listen, Gut Issues, Blending Families, Hoarding, Homeschooling & More #500

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3:10Kirk:So what do we do when our son wants to do anything but his work? How can I get my anxious child to the doctor's office? What do you think about the ODD diagnosis? What do we do if our kids are starting to hoard and refuse to get rid of things? Why does my child prefer to go with her grandmother and not me? What are the potential pitfalls of blending our families? And what's the proper role of the stepparent? How do we get our tween daughter to actually listen to us? What about a child who is negative and puts others down? What should we consider when homeschooling? I want to answer all those tough questions in this jam-packed special bonus Q &A episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

3:54Kirk:So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us. and we are kicking off our Christmas in July sale with the lowest prices of the year on our programs. For you, your kids, your parents, your child's teachers can all listen to them all 30 plus hours. Check that out at celebratecolumn.com. So my seven and a half year old daughter refuses to allow the eye doctor to dilate her eyes with eye drops. Trying to get her to do something she doesn't want to do has been impossible. My previous attempts at extended time outs were taking things away. Haven't worked. Shocker. She has an appointment this Friday.

4:37Kirk:And when I told her they might have to dilate her, she confidently said, well, they're not going to. How many of you can hear that in your strong-willed child? I'm partly telling this story because I want you to know you're not alone. You didn't do something wrong. So the daughter said, well, they're not going to. And then she stomped away. When they dilated her the first time, she had gone to the appointment with my mom, her grandma, and she did wonderfully. I'd rather not have to have grandma take her to the appointments. And why does she obey for grandma and not me? What would you do? And so my response is, if I'm being honest, if it works with grandma taking her, then let them have a special day together.

5:20Kirk:Stop fighting it. Don't make everything harder than it needs to be. It's just the way it works with our kids. But part of the reason our kids do better with others is because our kids are sensitive to and pick up on our anxiety about how they are going to do. Are they going to be okay? Are they going to listen to the doctor? And so they resist our anxiety. Other people don't have anxiety about your child because it isn't their child. Look, it's the same reason you can be walking down a grocery store aisle, see someone else's child melting down, and instantly calm another child. But you can't do that with your own.

6:02Kirk:See, with other people's child, you don't bring any anxiety or embarrassment to the moment. So if it works with going with grandma, embrace it. Your daughter and her grandmother can go to the appointment and then go out for lunch together. These are special bonding moments. And I know you may feel left out or why doesn't my strong-willed daughter bond with me? That time will come. No need to take it personally or be hurt or make any snide comments to your daughter. Enjoy the fact that you don't have to be embarrassed at the doctor's office when your daughter screams and runs out of the office.

6:38Kirk:And be happy that your daughter and her grandmother are enjoying special time together. And you can also be thankful that you have a mother who actually gets your strong-willed child instead of being constantly judged by her. Okay, question. This is a tough one. My kids cannot get rid of anything. They think everything is special and cry if I try to donate it or get rid of it. This one's tough. And I generally, generally don't want to make unilateral decisions with our kids in respect to, say, their autonomy to a degree, right? There's a balance here. In this case, however, being a leader is sometimes doing things for your kids that they can't do themselves.

7:25Kirk:And if you just encourage them and wait, it'll never happen. Soon you will be getting a storage unit for all this stuff. and given your family's history, I would take a more decisive approach. This is just how we do it in our home. We have that same hard and fast rule. Hey, if we haven't used this in the past 18 months, it means we're not going to. So we donate it, we sell it, we throw it out. I think this is a good summer project. Your kids are going to fight you over it. They're going to cry. They're going to call you mean. do it anyway because they aren't capable right now and they will see later oh yeah I didn't miss that after all and eventually they'll learn it feels good not to have all this clutter I would be matter of fact and consistent with this going forward I know this isn't a true analogy but I would not allow just a little porn or gambling or alcohol in my home for kids No, that's not happening.

8:30Kirk:Expect the pushback and tears and lead confidently in this area. And if it is something related to something else in your family, then you could see someone who specializes in this as well. All right, question. We are considering homeschooling our middle school age son. He is very active in theater presentations and loves karate. He says the school schedule stresses him and the other kids in his class are just immature, which is true. We're concerned because we both work from home. We're afraid he's going to miss social interaction in school. How should we evaluate what is the best option? For me, when I read through this email, which contains more info, the determining factors for me would be this.

9:16Kirk:If your son is homeschooled, can he still participate fully in theater and karate? I just want to make sure that the performances are not school-based. Because to me, those activities are more important to me than the actual schooling. And I'm making some assumptions here because this sounds like a family with two responsible parents who work hard. They're educated. They're curious. They read. So their child is absorbing that in his DNA, so to speak. And that's often more important than isolated performance in school. Now, if I were doing this, I'd say, hey, your son would need to be willing to take ownership of his homeschooling and be very independent.

9:59Kirk:And at that age, there isn't a lot of hand-holding or teaching necessary. He could conceivably watch videos and handle most of the curriculum himself, except for harder concepts in math or science. But if he could operate more like a young adult and complete his schoolwork independently, it could be a great option. If on the other hand, he's going to refuse to do the work, fight you over every assignment and say all he wants to do is theater and karate, then it won't work. Your son can still get plenty of social interaction through the extracurricular activities, his drama stuff through karate, which is actually better because he'll be with kids who share a common interest without having to navigate the immaturity of the middle school world, which only happens one time in life in middle school.

10:49Kirk:It's not like setting you up for later in life. I think I would say if you can work independently and meet these minimal requirements with school, you can do this. But if you've been fighting us or failing, then you have to go right back to regular school. And I would not, this is for all parents, I would not look at this as having like a right or wrong answer. I want you to be able to relax a little bit. I know in the moment it feels like so many of these decisions are life-altering and will decide the course of your child's life, but the truth is very few of these things really matter in the long run.

11:23Kirk:Like whether your child does well on some 4th or 7th or 10th grade state exam, it will not matter when they are 27 or 37 or 47 or 57. What really matters is their relationship with you and their confidence and outlook on life, which are all inextricably linked. I would look at this as a grand adventure you're on that will cause your family to mature and change because if you're going to homeschool, that means you're going to be triggered more often because you're going to be with your child. You are going to have fights over school and balancing that. The good news is you have raised a really great kid.

11:59Kirk:So kudos to you. Okay, quick question. My child is negative toward others. Do you think there is anxiety behind my six-year-old's need to point out the negative when someone else does well. Like maybe he feels he would have trouble doing the same thing. I'm trying to encourage him to celebrate others' achievements like we do his, but it's a battle. I would relax with this now. He's a six-year-old kid. I think he's just an insecure kid. It's a confidence issue overall, but most of our kids do struggle with confidence and anxiety. I would spend more time creating successes, putting him in situations in which he excels and gets to use his natural gifts, talents, and passions.

12:45Kirk:Affirm him for things. Do that around other adults so other adults are affirming him. Look, when you're confident, a confident person will be gracious to others and not feel threatened or jealous. But for now, don't battle no long lectures about how we need to be gracious and see the best in others. Those things are annoying. Just model it for your child. Whatever you want your child to do, live it out in front of them. That is your lecture. When your child matures a bit and gets confidence, he or she will follow your lead. Okay, this is a good one. We have a tween daughter with eczema who seems to have an addiction to the foods that make the eczema worse.

13:27Kirk:That's usually how it works. When we try to help her, she gets annoyed and shuts us out. How can we get through to her? And I can feel the parents' frustration. Like, we know better. Like, we could just tell her if you eat these certain things, it wouldn't cause your eczema to flare up. You would feel better and everybody would be happier. Would you please just listen to us? So first step is the hard one. Release yourself from needing to fix this for your daughter. It's her body. It's her skin. It affects her, although I know her moods affect you. I would even consider saying this in an even, matter-of-fact, businesslike tone.

14:10Kirk:Hey, we need to apologize for nagging you about this. Look, you're 12. You're smart. It's your life. We know you can handle this. We bought a few things from the store that may help, but it's up to you, and we know you're capable of figuring this out. And then quickly change the subject to something positive, something she's good at. And no more talking about her eczema. Let her own it. I bet she will step up a bit more when given some space and when she finally gets tired of feeling awful. But release yourself from the need to fix it, to get through to her. Number two, I would consider seeing a gut doctor.

14:50Kirk:a functional medicine doctor perhaps who specializes in gut issues. My guess is that her body is craving these things for a reason and until we fix the gut, just applying things outwardly won't help that much. Maybe you even say with the above, hey, here's the number to a person who specializes in gut health. Call them if you want, make an appointment and I'll just take you there and drop you off so you can handle it. Because a lot of our kids, they want to handle things in more adult ways. So give them the option. I think, number three, I think having another person talk to her could help. An adult, an older cousin, an aunt, right?

15:32Kirk:Don't force it. Give her some space and time. See if she'll own it. And in the meantime, throw yourself into some kind of healthy self-care for you that involves sweating off your frustration. Okay, what about a child who is supposed to do one thing and wants to do another. This summer, we've met people on the trails from all over the world. Tourists underestimate how tough this elevation can be out here, so I always have extra Cure hydrating electrolyte packets with me because it provides quick, delicious, pure, and effective hydration. Cure is clinically proven to hydrate as effectively as an IV drip.

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16:54Kirk:So this mom has heard me use that phrase. I'm curious. I love that one. And she was like, how do I use that? Because I'd reminded my son we needed to start on schoolwork, but he insisted on working out with my weight. I gave him space to do the right thing. Moms and dads, you know they're not going to do the right thing. Put away the weights and get his schoolwork out. He still did not. When I let him know he could use them during a break in school, he yelled at me about how he always wanted to use the weights. So I got up, I started a load of laundry. Is this what I should say? Listen to how the mom phrases.

17:29Kirk:I'm curious, son, if you think that speaking to me like that, being disobedient, allows you to have privileges like a play date tomorrow or the movie this weekend. Is that right? And I have to laugh. I'm not laughing at the mom. It's because this is just so hard. And when you're in the midst of it, you can get confused. This mom here is doing her best. But she is just basically adding the phrase, I'm curious, to what she really wanted to say. right I'm curious if you think that speaking to me like that young man and being disobedient is going to get no that's just threatening a consequence which I understand so look all of us are going to have these situations multiple times throughout the week and you have to learn how to read the moment this is a kid who has wanted to lift these weights and never has he chose this moment to be impulsive and dig in does that mean we give in no you have every right to say, hey, I'm going to do laundry, and if those weights are not my room before I get back, you will never ever lift them, and we will double your schoolwork.

18:32Kirk:Got it? I'm fine with that tough approach. It rarely works in situations like this particular one. Because if I'm reading this moment, this boy's kind of hell-bent on doing this, and it's not like it's hurting anyone at all. it's just a deviation from the plan and what he should be doing and I get that that's irritating if you're going to use that phrase I think I'd say hey I'm curious why you want to lift weights right now or lift weights so much and then listen and you can validate and say hey I think it's pretty cool that you're only eight and you want to get in shape and work hard physically like that It doesn't mean you have to let him do it though.

19:22Kirk:I would in this case and I'd try this. Hey, I just remembered that this guy says kids often learn best while they're moving and after they get their endorphins rolling. So this actually may help you get your schoolwork done better. so instead of doubling down on what was 100 % going to be a power struggle you roll with it and you could quiz your child on vocabulary words or math facts while he's busy lifting you could do math problems based on the weights and number of reps you could say hey why don't you lift for 10 minutes now this is a low bargaining tool while I go finish one of my projects and then we'll start once you break a sweat he'll then negotiate no I want to do it for 15 or 20 minutes you say okay like you are giving him a win even though that was going to be your original time limit I did this with Casey a lot when he was little when you come back in the room ask him what he was working on and to show you his guns you transition to school work and use extra time with weights as a reward for getting more work done.

20:36Kirk:And then a really cool reward would be letting him put together a workout regimen for you because it's awesome bonding thing for having kids actually teach you something. Okay, what should we be considering as we contemplate blending families? Well, a lot, but I just have a little time here. Before you blend two families, have the hard and honest talk about your discipline styles, and if you can be consistent. Otherwise, one parent is going to let their kids get away with things while the other one is consistent and it will all blow up. If you have a strong-willed child, make sure your new spouse is on board with how you handle that child differently like that above situation because if the new parent is going to be like, nope, that kid, he's not going to do that.

21:21Kirk:I'm just going to take the weights away and every single time he's just going to be rigid, it will blow up the family very quickly. you will choose your child over the new spouse and now you're on divorce number two. I'm just being honest. If you cannot have these, look, if you cannot have these kinds of difficult discussions beforehand, if you have to tiptoe around them and close your eyes and just hope that it will magically get resolved later, then you are sabotaging your family from the beginning. You are probably about to repeat a pattern that doomed your first marriage and you are asking your kids to be guinea pigs in this experiment.

21:57Kirk:talk to your new prospective spouse about this first if you can't have hard conversations you're not ready you can talk about your plans to retain certain traditions and just my original family time together on a regular basis that's healthy look you and your kids have had some traditions that you've that that you've had for a long time and now that you're blending families I want you to keep some of those. You're not excluding others. Now, it may be that your kids decide eventually, hey, let's invite the step-siblings into these activities. That would be great, but don't feel selfish or bad about this.

22:39Kirk:And maybe you have a tradition that every Wednesday night or Friday night, it's OG time with your original family members. I feel very strongly about this. The biological parent should discipline and give instructions to his or her biological children. For simplicity, this is what I would tell the new stepdad. You are not automatically some authority figure to your stepkids. You're just some guy who's now sleeping with their mother. So tread lightly. Your role is to support your new wife so she can stay calm and firm and lead her own kids. That way, your stepkids see you as a stabilizing force in the home instead of just some new guy bossing them around.

23:22Kirk:Because if you came in and did that to me, I'd be like, screw you. So build trust in the relationship over time and then your stepkids will trust you and listen to you. Likewise, for the stepdad, you need to discipline your own kids and not put that burden on your new wife. Otherwise, you are setting her up to be rejected by your kids because you made her the bad guy. So talk about the potential issues ahead of time. And if you can't do that openly, don't move forward yet. If you can, oh, that's a really good sign. Okay, we're scared because our son was diagnosed with ODD, Opposition Defined Disorder.

24:01Kirk:Look, I think ODD is a completely BS diagnosis that is cruel for both the child and the parents. It's a lazy diagnosis. The vast majority of kids who receive this diagnosis have been through trauma. they have a lot of usually justified anger because they've been hurt and out of this pain they naturally lash out shut down put up walls around themselves become defiant refuse to cooperate that makes sense to me why would they cooperate after they've been hurt and mistreated why would a kid who feels like he or she has always been in trouble misunderstood or not like to act in a compliant, gracious way toward authority figures.

24:43Kirk:To me, that would be unhealthy in some ways because it means they're just trying to get along and keep the peace and bury their pain out of a desperate need to be accepted. I'd rather acknowledge to the child, look, it'd be odd if you did trust authority figures after what they've done to you. It's a cruel label in that they're labeling a child with the outward behavior or symptoms that result from mistreatment, almost like they're blaming your child. And to say it is a disorder implies it's just part of who they are as a human versus how they have been or how they have reacted to trauma. These are largely very frustrated and misunderstood kids who need to be accepted.

25:27Kirk:We need to validate their experience with some intensity, then provide opportunities for them to use their unique talents to help others. This builds confidence. It gives them a vision of who they can be. So I would ignore the label on this diagnosis. This is wildly inaccurate misleading. It perpetuates what we do with healthcare, just treating the outward symptoms instead of getting to the root of what is causing the inflammation that's giving rise to the symptoms in the body. So spend your time getting to the root of the anger and frustration that's causing the defiance and oppositional outward behavior.

26:06Kirk:If I could do one thing with your son, it would be this. Find a way for your child to use his natural gifts, talents, and passions to help an older neighbor in your community or work with animals, walking dogs, volunteering in an animal shelter, or doing a service project. These activities can be very grounding. Look, they make your child feel like he or she has something to give to others. Plus, the adults around him will see him being responsible, mature, and notice that. So it builds confidence. That's what I'm after. You see a common thread in here is let's build our child's confidence over the summer.

26:43Kirk:Go back and listen to that podcast episode from mid-June on six ways to build your child's confidence. Let your kids listen to our podcast. Let your kids listen to our programs. And like a lot of families are doing now, hey, you guys come up with some things you want to change. We'll start changing them. Your kids are very smart. We've got the Christmas in July sale starts tonight. It was actually in honor of my mom's birthday because she loved Christmas any month out of the year. And I miss my mom. All right, love you all. Thank you guys for working so hard at this. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.