Deeply Feeling Child Blames You? 5 Ways to Stop Walking on Eggshells & Escalating #580

0:00I know you've heard a lot of the negative stories about Casey, but I need to brag about him for this. A couple months ago, he said, I want to get mom something special before Mother's Day so it's even more meaningful. And I think it's a thank you for decades of listening patiently and providing that comfort that only moms can. So I said, hey, when your mom wears anything with that cozy earthbrush bamboo, it's like all her stress goes away and she feels cared for and pampered. She can go from like cozy earth, heavenly PJs, robes, and puffy sheep slippers to wearing a cozy earth, brush, bamboo skirt, or dress.

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2:01That's M-Y-S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T dot com slash parenting. Around this time of year, a lot of our kids kind of get stuck in school. They're just tired and shut down. So I encourage you to check out IXL to jumpstart your child's love for learning. IXL is an online learning program that can be used by any student from K-12, whether they're struggling in a particular subject or homeschooling. IXL uses engaging video tutorials and positive learning games that teach your kids the way they learn best and give your kids control over how they learn and what they learn about. And you know our kids love that. Your kids can explore any topic in any grade level.

2:46Our kids thrive on positive feedback, and IXL consistently reinforces success. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. so you have a child who is moody and then gets disrespectful and you let her know hey that attitude is not going to be tolerated in our home but she keeps coming at you and you try staying calm but eventually everybody ends up yelling and you impose consequences which is your right to do but the relationship gets strained and then your child blames you for her attitude so how can you stop this vicious cycle.

3:40That is what we are going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our big spring sale at celebratecalm.com. So this good mom and dad emailed about this situation and they were very descriptive of what happens in their home. And they wrote this, when she gets in these moods, she will blame us. But it is ultimately her initial outward defiance that starts the train down the track. Very true moms and dads. So my first thought was one, very good for identifying this. It's her initial outward defiance.

4:27And we're going to learn how to get to the root of that defiance because if you always react to outward behavior, whether that's lying, stealing, mouthing off, being defiant, picking on your sibling, you're going to miss, you're going to miss the real issue every time. And you're just going to give a consequence for an outward behavior and that won't work because you're not addressing what's going on. And they wrote, hey, it's what starts the train down the track. And my first thought was, you have to divert the track because your child never will. That is your job. You don't stand in front of the steaming locomotive.

5:14Because if I picture this as parents, I used to do this all the time. You know, it's kind of like in a bull fight and that bull is charging and the matador has the red cape. Well, if that matador wants to live, he holds the red cape to the side of him. But I used to just hold the red cape right in front of me as a bullseye and our big Taurus son would just charge at me because I'm the authority figure, right? I'm going to charge right back at him. Well, it just never works. And a lot of men will say, well, I'll just show this kid who's boss. And I always say, look, I'll put a thousand dollars on your four-year-old, your seven-year-old, your 12-year-old, because even the little kid, they're just going to own you.

6:03These kids are persistent. And man, once they get something in their heads, once they start down that track, they just, they put their heads down and they go for it. So I want to teach you in this episode a little strategy. It's kind of a trick for how you can avoid getting run over by this locomotive and actually not even get it's to avoid the collision that happens because that's what's happening in your home. There are lots of collisions between two wheels and I know we like to blame it on the strong wheel child because they are tough. But sometimes we dig in too. And we keep doing the same things over and over.

6:47Well, my child is so obstinate. Well, so are you if you keep doing the same thing. And so at the end of the email, they said, hey, how can we best end this behavior? And one of the reasons I'm excited about doing this episode is I like the approach we take to this because it works so much better. and it's not just about well we need to change this behavior because it's not really about the behavior it's not what I really want to change I want to teach kids to actually control their own behavior their own moods so that they learn how they can actually change themselves because the best discipline in the end is what self-discipline and we want to send our kids out into the world, not just prepared with school and math and how to write and read all those things.

7:44We want to send them out into the world knowing how they work, knowing how their emotions work, how to control that so they don't sabotage their relationships. I want kids to be responsible for themselves. So I want to shift out of thinking, hey, what strategy do we use to get our child to stop doing X behavior. It's not my goal right now. And on this podcast, I'm not even going to go through some of the other things that I would do with the moods because my focus is on you changing your response. So let's reset the scene and show you a different way to handle this. One, it doesn't matter if you have a son, a daughter, if they're four or nine or 11 or 17, it's the same process.

8:29But in this case, you're dealing with a naturally strong-willed child who operates within a very narrow margin for error in how things go in their lives, right? These are really intense, tightly wound kids and little things often throw them off and they have a vision for how they want things to go. And when things inevitably don't work out that way or go the way they wanted or plans change all of a sudden, they get really frustrated and then they lash out. And then they will often blame you for something going wrong that you had nothing to do with. They're going to accuse you like, you messed that up.

9:09And you're like, I wasn't even in the room or the house. I don't even know what you were doing. And that's very normal and natural with these kids. So I just want you to know that. And part of what I want to teach you is to understand these kids so that you don't get defensive and take everything personally. well I can't believe she's gaslighting us well not everybody is gaslighting or a narcissist right they're just it's just a natural human behavior that's happening here and she doesn't know how to control herself so what's the normal human response blame someone else it's nothing new in human nature and if you try to address that and talk logically it's never going to work it's just going to escalate every time because your child is in this highly emotional state right now.

10:05So logical talking will actually make them more angry. And in this particular case, we're dealing with an 11-year-old. Kids that age have all kinds of hormonal changes going on. By the way, side note, that's why as much as you can, physical exercise and meeting sensory needs are really important for our kids of all ages. Sports are fantastic, but I know most of our kids thrive in individual activities like martial arts, ballet, rock climbing, swimming, even having things around the house like a tennis ball that they can roll under their feet. That physical pressure is really settling for these kids.

10:47Number two, I want you to recognize patterns in your child's behavior. These are intense kids who get really upset when little things go wrong, when things feel out of their control. It's not like this is new. It's not like having a moody teen or tween should be surprising. Most of your kids kind of came out of the womb like this. So she comes at you emotionally and even physically with a bad attitude. Now she dips into being disrespectful, rude, and demanding. Again, none of that is new. We've seen this before. Number three, most of us will respond, right? We're good parents and we do this firm, even response.

11:34We're like, hey, this attitude is not going to be tolerated here. And you even use the tone of voice that I've modeled, even matter of fact. But it's not going to work in this moment. And you're not doing anything wrong at all. Because with a more compliant or different child, that would work perfectly. and they just be like, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, mom. But you're not dealing with the real issue. You are hearing a demanding, disrespectful, rude child, and that triggers you as it should. And depending on how you were raised, it was like, oh, we didn't talk to our parents like that.

12:13I can't let her get away with that, so I'm going to respond. Young lady, you are not going to talk to us that way in our house. And you're playing right into her hands. And let me do a little side note here. See, you're not even dealing with the real issue. Her attitude and disrespect, that's not the issue. That's the outward manifestation of something inside that's frustrating her. But that doesn't mean we say, oh, it's okay to just talk to us like that. Just walk all over us and treat us horribly. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying something is going on inside and it just comes out as attitude toward her parents why because you're the one standing right there and until we break this cycle it will always predictably spiral many of you have heard the story of when I told Casey you can't talk to me like that young man and he just spit out just did and it's a wonder I'm not in jail so I want you to know that being calm does not mean you become Gandhi or something.

13:19It doesn't mean you don't feel angry, resentful, and frustrated. It just means you do not react out of those feelings. It means you don't let that control you and your response. See, being calm is not the end goal. I don't wake up and think, I just want to be calm today. That's kind of boring. Why I want to be calm is because it's a means to an end. Because when I slow my world down inside and control my anxiety and my fears and my perfectionism and my control issues, see, those are all the things that sabotage my peace of mind inside. They sabotage my relationships with every other human and I care about, and they tend to sabotage situations like this.

14:11See, it is such a beautiful thing when you focus more of your energy on learning to control yourself inside. It affects every area of your life and makes it better because now I have an opportunity to get to the root of the issue, to problem solve, and to actually teach my kids how to handle their inevitable Frustration, disappointment, and anxiety. Okay, the fourth point is really critical. Moms and dads, that daily battle with traffic to work and school and extracurriculars can leave you feeling fatigued and dehydrated. And with spring here, we're even more active. We love Cure electrolyte drink mix because it's clean, natural hydration.

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17:50Okay, so number four, and this is really important. Watch how this works. In these moments, we tend to go right to consequences. And I want to make it clear. You have to do consequences with your kids, right? There's nothing wrong with that. I'm not against consequences. I'm against thinking that consequences are a really effective tool for actually changing behavior so you can do consequences to set a boundary that's fine but they tend not to work with our kids so watch how this works you go with you know what if you keep that up young lady how many of us do that with our kids keep it up I used to do that with Kate keep it up you know keep it up keep it up you know what you've already lost your video games for one week you want to make it two and Casey would be like let's just make it four and they will call your bluff so in this case that you say young lady keep it up you're not going to Sarah's house later boom you just told her and the strong-willed child will call your bluff fine I don't like Sarah anyway boom right back at you so now here's the big decision point because if you just keep amping up the consequences which is what most of us do because now it's like oh now her attitude just got even worse you know what now you're not going to see any of your friends for the next month and i'm going to take away your phone and you're not even going to eat that's what i would do because i'm a guy and men often give consequences they can't keep so because if you keep amping up the consequences your child will double down.

19:21Why? Because she is already emotionally past the point of no return. And she has already lost stuff. So why not just burn it all down to the ground? Nothing logical or rational is going to work right now. Like, think about this in history. How many people have said in that moment, you know what? That's a really tough consequence. Huh? I think I'll stop right now. Like that has never happened, especially with kids. And so once you're at this point, this is when you have to be the smart matador and step to the side. You have to take a different path because otherwise what happens every single time predictably is it just spirals out of control.

20:10Because in this moment, she cannot respond rationally. So she finally doubles down on everything and the night is ruined. Fine. Sarah's stupid and so are you. I don't like her or you. Well then, what are you left with there? Like how deep into consequences, what do you have left to take away? And so when your daughter, your son, when they do this and they double down, it accomplishes a couple things for them. One, when you react like this, your child gets a lot of emotional intensity because you get really upset. You put down your phone and now 100 % of your energy is focused on your child. And that's really important if you have kids who are adopted, who have attachment issues because they associate your intensity even if it's negative with connection look when we give someone our entire attention and intensity it means that they're important to us watch how that works and that's why i'm so so so into giving your kids positive intensity proactively and when you put down your phone you're like young lady see that's way more stimulating than doing some little task that you probably asked her to do in the first place that set this all off.

21:35Do you see how that works? Like a child who you say, hey, just take out the trash. Well, look, that's boring. It only takes three minutes. But if I say whatever or no or don't do it, now all of a sudden I get 10 minutes of my parents intensely focused on me and I get to draw them into an argument and then outwit them. See, that's way more satisfying than just taking out the trash and saying, hey, thank you. So your child also kind of likes this in a way because getting into an argument with you is a diversion from controlling herself, which is really hard. See, she can't control herself, but now it's you that is out of control.

22:20And that relieves her of responsibility to control herself. Because now you can't say, young lady, you need to control yourself. Because she'll look back at you and say, oh, like you're controlling yourself, mom and dad, adults in the home. And that was, that was, you probably heard me say with Casey when he was much younger he and I was like you need to calm down and he looked at me and he was like you can't even control yourself right like apparently you haven't mastered that skill and you're 35 so this is what's this is really important this gives her some leverage to blame you because you did escalate this and so the fact that she has lost everything she can blame on you I'm not saying it's your fault.

23:10I'm saying there's some leverage in her brain because you escalated things. And I know you're going to be like, what the heck? My daughter blames me. You blame me. I'm not blaming you. I'm just saying it's your fault. I'm kidding. I'm just saying you played into this and I don't want you to play into that. So let me show you something kind of interesting from your child's perspective. This is what your child is thinking. I'm out of control. I did something stupid to begin with by refusing to do a task, by talking back. I know that. I just overreacted to a situation that I shouldn't have. It wasn't even a big deal what my parents asked me to do.

24:00but now I'm already down that path and now I'm yelling at my parents because I'm so frustrated that things didn't go the way I planned and I don't know how to handle it and you're the closest one to me right now so I'm going to blame you because I'm I'm too far gone and then I get met with you know what you need to stop talking back to me like that well now there's all this intensity and chaos going on so I'm just going to double down. I can't control myself because I'm a kid so here's what the next best thing is for me right now. I'm just going to double down here because I know my mom or dad or both they're going to get out of control so watch what I just did.

24:50Now it's no longer about my behavior mom and dad it's about yours because you're the grown-ups. At least I'm a kid, you're a grown-up, and you're out of control, and you're yelling at me. And so I can use that as leverage to blame you. So I'm not asking you if you agree with that. I'm just asking you, doesn't that make sense from your child's point of view? Look, if you have our programs, go through the program on Stop Power Struggles with Your Strong-Willed Child so that you can understand your kids on a very deep level. That's part of the Get Everything package. We have a huge spring sale. If you need help financially, reach out to Casey.

25:30We'll help you with that. But it is critically important to understand your kids' brains and hearts work differently than many of you. Many of you are a more compliant, easygoing person. And so you're like, why would you do this? Now, some of you are just like your child because they got it from someone. And this is as much about understanding your child as recognizing the way you are. And some of you are kind of reparenting yourself because your parents did the same thing to you. And so I applaud you because you're breaking generational patterns and it's awesome. So number five is my favorite step I want you to try.

26:07I want you, what I want you to do in these situations is to slow down, calm yourself inside. Just don't react. I want you to calm yourself inside, not your child, just yourself. Next time this happens, hopefully later today, instead of going immediately to, I need to address this with my child. Instead say, no, I need to address this within myself first because that's the only thing I can control right now. And instead of confronting this oncoming train, do that sidestep. I want you to learn to step to the side. I'm not ignoring it. I'm just not confronting it head on. Learn to step to the side and then approach your child from a different angle.

26:52physically emotionally it could even be moving to a different place in the kitchen you've heard me say before motion changes emotion because you're coming from instead of me standing face to face with a child because watch when you're standing face to face you're both reading each other's body language and those all the all the uh that look the anger look on your face the disappointment the shame, and you're reacting to each other in microseconds based on all of that. So when you can move to a different angle, you approach your daughter in a different way. Think about this. For those of you who like football, imagine you're a quarterback.

27:40You go back to pass. There are all these huge men running at you full force to pound you. and they want to hit you and drive you into the ground. Now, you're not going to just stand there in their way. A good quarterback doesn't always run. They slide up into the pocket. They find a little place where their guys are blocking for them and they have this little pocket where they're safe to avoid the conflict, to avoid running headlong into a collision with a huge band. So I want you to learn how to slide up into the pocket. And so this is the most important part of this process right now. It's not about getting your daughter to back down.

28:29Not right now. It's about you making a conscious choice to see the situation differently, to lead her to a different place, sometimes physically and emotionally. right you remember the story of me uh with our son of like hey i tell something's going on look you have two options talk to me like that it's not going to work out but if you want to grab some chips i'll grab some salsa i'll meet you on the deck and help you with whatever i'm whatever you're struggling with i moved him to a different place but i didn't tell him you need to stop with that attitude right now. See, we're leading our kids often to contrition our humility in that moment.

29:12Instead of demanding an apology, we're leading them to a different place emotionally rather than needing to change their behavior. And so now we can kind of get to the root of the issue and approach it on a deeper level. And here's the really, really good news. This is completely within your control. You can do this. Now, if the resolution of this situation and encounter is dependent on immediately changing the mood, attitude, emotions, and behavior of an intense child, then we have no hope. This is your daughter. This is your child. And just know, they are not going to break the cycle in the middle of this.

29:59This is your job to do. So your job right here is to be the mature, not perfect, not at all, the mature grown-up who breaks this vicious, predictable cycle because it is predictable. You know it's coming. So it's to break that cycle instead of playing into it and continuing to kind of give it a lot of energy. So I just got a really honest email from a mom yesterday who said this, and I think this will demonstrate this in kind of a neat way. I have fought my daughter. She's nine now. I have fought my daughter since she was three. Three, right? She's always pushed my buttons. And my family has told us for years that we're creating an entitled brat.

30:49But I know that's not true. I just have not figured out how to do this. So one day out of frustration, I said, listen to this program and you tell me what we can do differently. And my daughter listened to your programs. And that night at bedtime when it was dark and I was about to leave the room, she said, Mom, that's how I feel. And I said, what are you talking about? What do you mean? and she said in this quiet tone, I get really frustrated when I want to do something and it doesn't turn out right and so I beat myself up for being stupid and then you say something and it feels like you're mad at me and it feels like I'm mad at myself and I feel like a failure so I just explode because I don't know what else to do and the mom said it nearly broke my heart to hear her say that.

31:46She said, Casey said to have a code word when we're upset. Can we try that? Because one of the programs you get in the package is from our son actually talking to kids, teaching them how to control their own emotions. And so watch what the daughter said. She said, I like the word tortoise because they are slow and we just need to slow down our emotions, mom. That's a nine-year-old and sometimes our kids get it before we do it. And the mom said nine years of anger and resentment and frustration melted in that one moment. I think it took her hearing from a stranger to get it and it took me hearing this from my daughter to get it.