Demanding Kids Who Argue When Told No: 3 Strategies That Work #498

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3:30Well, you reasonably say no to their request, and it sets off a huge power struggle, meltdowns, arguing, throwing things, throwing words around, probably also parents fighting over how to handle it. So how can you handle these situations without losing your mind or your relationship? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our huge summer sale at celebratecalm.com. Two quick notes, I'm on a father-son hiking trip with our formerly demanding strong-willed son. So I'm going to ask you to wait another couple weeks before sending any long emails.

4:12Now we can handle anything kind of short, but I'm really trying to soak up this time with Casey. So let's jump into this. When strong-willed kids wake up, they often picture something in their mind. And these visuals are very powerful because now they've got a vision, a mission, and they want to carry that out. And that is going to serve them so well in life as an entrepreneur and visionary. But it is going to cause endless power struggles with parents and teachers because your kids' ideas are going to come into conflict with what you and teachers want your kids to do each day. And I want to take you through a couple examples of how this can work.

4:52Now, just to be clear, we had a rule in our home that I was steadfast about. If Casey started demanding things of us, I would simply say, I don't do demanding. Just because your kids are strong-willed doesn't mean you let them run over you or act oblivious to the needs of others. So you always have that right to say no. But here are some other options. So let's take that child who gets an idea in their head and they won't let it go. And sometimes it's completing. Maybe they're building something, making something, and they just have to complete it before bedtime. But it's already 15 minutes past their bedtime, and they've promised 12 times, I'll be done in just a couple minutes.

5:38But it keeps dragging on, and you're tired, and you just want them to finally go to bed. But these are kids who have a single-minded focus to complete this project. and you can see it's going to take more than a couple more minutes. You're frustrated. There's tension. Your tone becomes short. The power struggle is coming. So here are a few options. I like giving options because these things are not just black and white. You can't do the same thing every time. You have to learn to read the moment. So one, look, you could simply say no and put the project up Use an even matter-of-fact tone. Stay steadfast, and it may prompt a huge meltdown, and that's okay.

6:25You're establishing a precedent here. You just have to endure it. That's an option. Just know that you're probably going to be in bed two hours from now. Number two, you could say with intensity, you know what, I love that you get a vision for doing these projects because they're so creative. I know you really, really want to see it finished tonight. I've got an idea. Let's put it up so no one can touch it and a dog can't knock it over. And I'll wake you up early tomorrow morning and I'll make your favorite breakfast while you get your project done while your brain is fresh. Now, I like that option and it will work sometimes.

7:05And sometimes it will not. If I can give you some hope and perspective, there isn't always the right answer or a good answer. Some nights are just going to be ugly, and that's normal. And you go to bed, and you wake up, and you start another day anticipating more of these. But that one I like because you're acknowledging with some intensity. Man, I love that you like doing those projects. I know you really get it done. And then you pivot. Now, the other option is the old kind of, well, if you can't beat them, join them. Now, you are the parent and you wield ultimate authority in your home. So you can grab that project, use a firm tone, and make them go to bed.

7:53But this isn't some competition to see who wins this power struggle. So you say, you know what, I'm going to go get a snack. I'm going to lay here on the floor while you finish your project. Because I really like your persistence and desire to complete things you finish. and you let them stay up and they'll be tired in the morning and your night didn't go as planned. But I would expect, make this your expectation, your agenda is going to be constantly messed up throughout their childhood. Or you can go and finish one of your chores or projects while they finish theirs. That way at least you're being productive.

8:33You give them a little kiss on the head and say, hey, let me know when you're done. I'm excited to see how it turns out. Now, Are you really excited? No. You want them to go to bed so you can finally relax. Or not really, so you can get on with your 437 other projects and so they won't be crabby tomorrow. But this is the dance of parenthood and it's normal. And you're not a bad parent if you choose to read the moment and handle it this way. Because you know the typical way does not work with this child. And you may just have to endure a spouse accusing you of coddling this child and letting him get away with things.

9:14But you're really just using wisdom. And so your child is content and proud of what he or she did. And in bed an hour late, which is probably normal anyway. But if you just choose the hardcore path all the time, that meltdown is going to last till midnight. So use it with wisdom. Use different strategies on different nights. So here's another common situation. I was talking to this family whose child kind of geeks out on doing new things. Makes sense with our kids, right? Novelty, dopamine rush. Prefers adult type activities, which is perfect because we're raising our kids for the adult world.

9:58Do not miss that. And this child wanted to make coffee every morning. That makes sense to me. Casey drank coffee from a young age. It actually calmed him down and helped him focus. So their child comes in to the kitchen every morning intent on making coffee. Now you as the mom or dad have 13 good reasons that your son or daughter should not make coffee right then. And all of your reasons are reasonable. We've talked about this, haven't we? It's not that you're doing anything wrong. That's what makes it so difficult with a strong-willed child because the things that work on your compliant kids backfire on this child.

10:35It is also true that sometimes we as parents get in the habit of reflexively saying no to our kids. And isn't that a little ironic given that our strong-willed kids reflexively say no to things that we ask them to do? So here's my challenge for you this week. I want you to catch yourself before you shut down the vision. Think for a couple seconds and then find a way to say yes to something they can do within your boundaries. Remember, whenever you say no to something inappropriate, I want to say yes to something appropriate. It may not be exactly what your child is wanting or demanding, but I want you to find a way to say yes.

11:18In this situation, your child's brain is on fire. You can even see it in their eyes. They're single-minded and focused. So here's kind of a strange phrase to remember. I'd like you to give your child's brain a win. It's really critical to create successes, get positive momentum, and feed that brain in healthy ways. And I know this is hard because your kids don't come into the kitchen or greet you after work and say, mother, father, thank you for providing all these opportunities for us that you never had. May I please make some coffee? I'd be ever so grateful if you let me do this. They're not going to do this.

11:55So they head straight for the coffee maker. They begin getting into stuff. And your first natural reasonable response inside is, now you're going to make a huge mess. Get into my coffee beans. I'm going to have to clean it all up. You have no idea how to use the coffee maker. But as usual, you impulsively start touching stuff and studying it to see how it works. And it just bothers me. That's all normal for you to feel like that. And when you try to explain rationally why they can't make coffee this morning, they go into attorney mode and they wear you down with arguments that are actually quite good.

12:29And then your tone gets sharper as they keep tinkering with it until it triggers a big fight. And then you're going to be tempted to respond with your own tone. I said no. Did you not hear me? And then you trail off into some useless lecture because that's what we do. But next time, try this process instead. Number one, check your own anxiety and control issues. Check your own triggers. We've done a lot of podcasts on those lately. Number two, say yes to the idea and concept first by affirming something positive. You know what? I think making coffee is a great idea. Now, do you really? No, because that's going to leave a big mess and you don't want to have to deal with that.

13:11You don't have time to get all this done and get your other kids ready for school. So you bite your tongue even as you're thinking inside, great, you're motivated to make coffee, a grown-up thing, but I can't even get you to put your dishes in the sink, take out the trash, tie your shoes, or do one assignment in school. It's frustrating. I get that. But you make this shift in perspective because the other way only leads to power struggles and never really works. So you say, I actually think it's pretty cool and grown up that you know how to do this at your age. But let's take it a couple steps further and actually ask more of your child.

13:51We're at the grocery store the other day and a nice young couple smiles and points to their cart. And I see Cure hydrating electrolyte packets in there. It's funny. They didn't mention the podcast or parenting. They were just happy their kids began the school year drinking Cure instead of expensive sports drinks that are loaded with sugar. And they said, our kids think it's a special treat because they love the kids' flavors, so they're drinking more water. That's a big win for our kids. Finally, something delicious you can feel good about giving your kids. Plus, Cure gives us a clean energy boost without the crash.

14:27That's why we keep Cure packets in our car, backpacks, and book bags. Cure is the electrolyte mix we reach for daily. With clean ingredients and nothing artificial, it's become easy to stay hydrated. Find it on Amazon or save 20 % at curehydration.com with code CALM. That's curehydration.com, code CALM for 20 % off your first order. Our kids do homework much better when they're comfy and cozy. Check out Wayfair.com for a huge selection of comfortable chairs, desks, lamps, and organizers to create a little homework nook for your kids, even in a weird place. And while you're browsing online, treat yourself with some new bedding, throw blankets, something fun to celebrate autumn, or just something practical for the kitchen.

15:16We like Wayfair because they have everything we need in one place. Furniture, cookware, appliances, bedding, decor. No need to shop at multiple stores. and they have 20 million verified five-star reviews so we can quickly find what we need, discover new ideas, and get things shipped to us fast and free, all for a really good price. Transform your space with pieces that hold up to real life. Join Wayfair Rewards today and get 5 % back on every purchase. Head to Wayfair.com or shop the Wayfair app for all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. way fair every style every home number three give your child some ownership within your boundaries it is a powerful concept so maybe you say hey why don't you become the barista of our home see you're giving your child some ownership of this task and actually asking him to assume a more adult-like more responsible position this is what i this is what i'm after i don't want your kids to just do what you tell them to do all the time.

16:21That's fine. But then I'm setting them up for a life in which their job is to go through life just doing things that they're supposed to do. I wanted to raise a responsible child. So I want more responsibility. So let me repeat that. You're actually asking your child to assume more responsibility. And this is hard for us because we're like, they won't even do simple things that I asked them to do. How can I give them more responsibility. You give them more responsibility in areas that they care about. And I know we want our kids to follow directions, but you know what's even more important? Teaching them to make decisions, to actually think and take on more responsibility.

17:03Well, but aren't you just giving in? No, you're the authority figure in the home who holds all the power. I think you are simply exercising that power with wisdom, with humility, with generosity. And you're taking, you're looking at the larger picture here. Look, I know it's so hard as a parent because you're so incredibly busy managing so many modern day demands that you barely have time to breathe. You're just trying to make it through the day without too many tears and fights. But sometimes we kind of get in a rut and we miss the bigger picture, which is what I'm here for because I'm older.

17:40Does it really matter if your child makes a mess? No. Is it inconvenient? Absolutely. But I promise if you look at it the right way, this little mourning tradition can teach your child responsibility, provide an opportunity for you to bond together, and build your child's confidence in many cases in ways that they will never do in school. And that's worth the mess to me. Number four, continue to challenge your child with even more responsibility. Hey, could you be in charge of the coffee every morning? And now we can add a challenge because our kids tend to like challenges. I've got an idea. Could you look up different recipes with healthy spices you could add to my coffee like ginger or turmeric?

18:29See, instead of the immediate shutdown and ensuing power struggle, you're now engaging your child and giving him a challenge. You could even challenge him to cook a meal for the family one day a week. Many of our kids are excellent messy chefs. Instead of a long lecture about how your child always wants to do inconvenient things, you are now expecting more of your child. Now here's another tough idea you have to wrestle with. Your strong-willed child probably won't be great at doing chores, but they will often step up and like change the oil in the car, do landscaping or yard work or cook a meal every week.

19:06Good. And I'm going to cover more of that in the next podcast, next week's podcast. See if this distinction makes sense. I'd rather raise a responsible child than an obedient child. An obedient child merely cares out the instructions, usually of an arbitrary authority figure. But in a responsible child must think, analyze different options. Judge which options are best. Make a decision. Live with the consequences. Learn from that. Make adjustments. Lead others. I will tell you as someone with a grown son, the reason Casey is so good at what he does, both with Celebrate Calm and his other pretty much full-time job, is he's extremely responsible.

19:53He's really good in the adult world. And when his boss's other job says, Case, I need you to take care of this. They don't have to worry about it because he knows how to make decisions. He knows how to problem solve. And that's what I'm really after. So watch what happens with this. Instead of just complaining to your spouse and friends and yourself that your child is disobedient to your largely arbitrary wishes, instead you begin to change the narrative inside your heart and in your child's head and heart to this. I have a child who is responsible, who is capable of doing adult-type jobs, and that is going to make my child wildly successful in the real world.

20:31See the difference from he never listens to anything I say, she doesn't follow through on things, he doesn't do his chores. Why can't she ever do that? Instead, my narrative becomes I give my child a challenge, and this child steps up and takes ownership of it, and now I don't even have to worry about it because they're very responsible when they're doing these things. Now, it's hard because they're not always responsible for the things you want them to be responsible for. Schoolwork, hygiene, and chores. But look, the other option is just spend 18 years trying to get your kids to care about what you care about and try to be good at being a kid and good at doing schoolwork all the time.

21:15That will crush their confidence. Instead, I look out to the future and say, this is going to serve you well in the real world. Number five, this is going to be tough for you, as if the rest of it hasn't been. Know that your child in this situation is going to leave little droplets of coffee and cream and spill sugar and leave little wrappers on the counter. And he's not going to clean up the right way. And I can say that with pretty much 100 % certainty. So what's your response to this? One of two things. One, you could use an even matter-of-fact tone and say, hey, I love the job you're doing as barista.

21:52Here's one more responsibility or challenge. You need to clean up your mess or you really haven't done your job. So no more barista job, definitely no tip until you learn how to clean up. See, I think that's very reasonable. See, you can be tough and firm with your kids as long as you don't do the snotty lecture. You know what? I go out of my way to let you do this, and if you're not going to learn how to clean up, you're not going to get to do coffee anymore. No snotty lectures, just very clear expectations. Now here's another option, and I don't want you to feel guilty doing this. Some of your kids are horrible at cleaning up.

22:34You have tried 87 different ways to get them to do it. so instead you put some music on you smile you savor your coffee while you're cleaning up next to your child having a conversation about all the other responsible things he or she could begin doing now i know this is not how you pictured your child behaving because some of you grow up thinking well i'm just going to tell them what to do and they're going to do it that's how i grew up and then you had a strong-willed child who's pushed all your buttons and caused you to grow this is the challenge you have been given and watch what you just did here which is cool you took what was a certain power struggle and nobody wins a power struggle and you turned it into a bonding moment because you stepped back from your own anxiety your own control issues you paused for a minute and you found a way to say yes to something now here's how another couple I just got an email on this.

23:33We've always struggled with only having one option, the one we grew up with, which was do it or else. So we try to listen to 15 minutes of your programs on our daily commute and then discuss one key concept at night. We can't get to that every night, but we do on a regular basis. What this has done for us is open up new options without us feeling guilty or like we're doing something wrong. we're getting much better at reading the moment trusting our instincts and moms and dads trust your instincts unless they're really bad instincts and they don't work but i want you to trust your instincts with these kids and instead of listening to the pressure of society and other people's judgments and we've learned how to problem solve rather than butting heads with our very hard-headed daughter.

24:24I love that. Reading the moment is so important. So I want you to practice that in the next few days. Think of some common situations in which you or you and your spouse act like Dr. No all the time. Begin to rethink those situations and ask, how can we be more creative? How can we get to yes? How can we encourage our kids to use their gifts and become more responsible all within our acceptable boundaries. Watch your child's expression when you say, you know what, I usually say no to this, but I'm going to say yes today with these specific conditions. Again, you're still in control. It's your home.

25:11I want you to broaden your boundaries and find that way to yes. You could even add, hey, I wonder if you could even do this better than I can do it. oh some kids are going to love that challenge and just know they're going to put it in your face if they do i love that case and i just did a big hike today you should have heard the trash talking between us it was awesome you know why because we love each other and respect each other and i was better than him today so i know this isn't easy i understand and this is true i'm challenging many of your most deeply held beliefs and assumptions about parenting and authority figures and laying down the law.

25:52So I appreciate you wrestling with these ideas. Other people are going to judge you and you'll judge yourself sometimes, but I won't because I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you for having the courage to change and try different things that actually work. Okay, go to it, moms and dads and grandparents. You're awesome. Thank you.