Do Adopted Kids Struggle More? Part #1 #618

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2:16I was roughhousing with this boy named Alexander. He'd been adopted from Russia. And it seemed like all the Russian kids we worked with were named Alexander. He was this fiery little guy who craved sensory pressure, attention, affirmation, and things. Especially anything other kids had that he didn't. We were wrestling out on the lawn when my knee accidentally hit him in the head. And I noticed a switch flipped in his eyes. His face turned red. There was rage, shame, betrayal, anger. It's kind of like he'd been disrespected. And he put his head down as if he were a bull about to charge me. And we were just learning a lot kind of on the job.

2:58It was 2005. We were hosting our Legos camps at our home. We noticed, look, we had noticed so many of the kids that I like to term our kids, right? That includes a wide range of kids with ADD, ADHD, ASD, OCD, ODD, anxiety, sensory attachment issues. Some kids were adopted, some not. We noticed these kids often didn't respond well in a therapeutic office one-on-one, and they wouldn't or couldn't attend regular camps, but most of them loved building with Lego blocks, so we did something kind of odd, and we opened up our townhome in Northern Virginia. The kids had no idea we were doing a form of play therapy.

3:41They would just come and build and create together and then obviously argue and boss each other and throw tantrums and melt down. But it was all in real time, in real life situations. So we had an opportunity to teach them new skills in the moment. Look, we love these kids. It wasn't even a business or a plan yet. It was just kind of a heartfelt response to parents and kids who felt alone, felt judged, felt helpless at times. We were a safe place. Parents could drop their kids without having to explain or make excuses or wonder when they'd be getting a call to come pick up their child. Because in 10 years with over 1 ,500 kids, we never had to send a kid home.

4:22So here I was in this tense moment with this boy I called Alexander the Great because great was his spirit and great was his strength and great was his big heart. But great was his pain and longing and frustration. And now he's got tears running down his face, not because I physically hurt him, but because his pride was hurt and he had a lot of pain and confused feelings inside. so he put his head down to charge right into my gut. That's all he knew to do and I didn't know what to do and my first thought was what we all want to say. Hey Alexander, calm down. It's okay. I didn't mean to do that.

5:02I'm sorry. Let's go get a snack. But for some reason, I just blurted out with intensity and forgive me for the reference to the crude language here but it is important to be intense with these kids. Alexander, you should be really PO'd at me. I'm angry at myself for hurting you I said it with intensity While he rushed me And I didn't stop him I knew he needed that sensory input But then I said in a commanding tone Come with me, I've got an idea And I stomped away Like I was angry at myself And I burst through our front door With Alexander behind me And all the other kids were on the floor building And they looked up and said, what's wrong?

5:43And I said, I hurt Alexander and we're going to do something about it. And I kept marching and I didn't know what I was going to do. And my wife saw us and gave me that look of like, what's going on? And I just walked in and I threw open the refrigerator. I grabbed a carton of eggs from back when you could afford them. And I told Alexander, let's go. He followed me outside to the spot where he'd been hurt. And I said, the first six eggs, I want you to throw as hard as you can against my house. Now, it was brick, so I knew it wouldn't really hurt it. And I said, make those eggs splatter everywhere.

6:20Make the biggest mess you can. So we actually both threw eggs at the house. And I actually yelled at one point, I'm so angry at myself for hurting you. And then I stepped about 10 yards away and I said, okay, throw a few at me. You can throw them as hard as you can. And we were still kind of in this both intense situation here. Now, I was younger. I was a little bit more agile then. And I knew I could kind of let the eggs hit me without hurting too much. So he grabs one, throws it, it misses. And then the second one, I let it hit me in the arm and it splattered pretty hard. And watch what happens at that.

6:58Little Alexander the Great, this was a really cool kid. He threw the rest of the eggs at the ground and he said, can we just wrestle again? And I nearly began bawling because he didn't want to hurt me. He just needed a way to process all these feelings. And that's when I learned several really important lessons and made some big changes to our camps. I created an obstacle course in the backyard and in our basement with things kids had to crawl under, climb over, pull, and push. I hopped up a rope to some weights like they do at the gym in the backyard. I bought 10 bags of mulch and dirt and a few shovels and some plants so kids could randomly help me do yard work.

7:42I began greeting kids every morning with a task they were good at doing. I'd give them an envelope, and it had a special mission in it, to find something, do some heavy work, complete a mission. So our first activity was a sensory win. It gave them a sense of accomplishment, and I could say, man, killer job doing that. And look, it was exhausting, and it is going to be exhausting for you. It already is. But we learned to proactively meet a lot of these needs for intensity and sensory pressure ahead of time. And it didn't change everything. It won't always make things all better, but we made progress, and that's our goal.

8:29So over the course of this and the next, over two podcast episodes, I want to discuss adoption in greater detail. I do hope you find the insights and strategies helpful, whether you have an adopted child or if you're considering adopting. And to be honest, if you're even considering having a child or if you already have kids, you're going to find this helpful. So welcome. I know this is a little different from my normal thing, but this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. So I know this can be a sensitive topic. So let me be clear. I am pro-adoption.

9:04Two of my favorite people in the world are in our family. They are adopted. I have donated time and money to adoption agencies. I've conducted training for and answered emails from countless adoptive parents over the past two decades. So here are some caveats. Not all adopted kids and families experience everything I will say in this podcast. I am only relating my own experience over the past 25 years and common patterns I have noticed. Your experience may differ. Each child and family is different, and this is in no way exhaustive. My intention is to share what we have experienced with these following purposes.

9:43I want you to understand the underlying dynamics at play and what your adopted child may experience. I want to help parents who are considering adoption. I want to help you go in with your eyes wide open and have appropriate expectations because it is usually far more difficult than people are led to believe. And I think that's wrong to not prepare people. I want to relieve any guilt and I want to reassure parents, grandparents, guardians and caregivers who have adopted kids and who feel alone, exhausted and helpless like you're doing something wrong. You're not. It's just hard. I want to help parents reset your expectations of yourself, your adopted child and maybe your biological kids.

10:30And then I want to provide specific strategies to help with various behavior issues that tend to be common with our adopted kids. And I'm going to answer specific questions during a helpful Q &A, including how to help kids who have a seemingly insatiable need for love, to stuff, food, attention, who get jealous of siblings getting any attention, because that's very common as well. Please know there is no blame, no guilt, no negativity intended here. I am trying to say some things that don't usually get said because that can be healing when you hear that. I recorded an Instagram video a few weeks ago, and I was really nervous about putting it out there, but the feedback was really good, so I decided to devote a couple episodes to this.

11:22So here are some main points we're going to discuss. Adopted kids tend to have more intense behavioral issues than other kids. Just tend to, not always. One of the most common emails we get is, well, we adopted our child from birth. And there's this assumption that that will make some huge difference. And yet it usually doesn't matter. And we'll find out why. Whenever we get emails talking about kids stealing, lying, maybe manipulating, we always ask first, hey, was your child adopted? Now, that does not mean that all adopted kids steal and lie, nor does it mean that the only kids who steal and lie are adopted.

12:08Most of the kids that we work with do that, but it is a common enough pattern we've recognized with our adopted kids, And so I will address that in detail because I'm going to give you a preview here. Oftentimes, parents are like, well, we need them to learn to make a different choice. For your adopted kids, sometimes the stealing, it's not really a rational choice. It is a compulsion. They are compelled to do it. And that's why a consequence just won't work because you have to get to the underlying need. Now, another myth parents are led to believe is, well, if you just love this child enough, you'll be able to mitigate the issues.

12:47It doesn't work that way. And I know that sounds cold, but I don't want to lie to you because so many parents go into it with such great motives of like, oh, we were there from birth and we're going to love this child. And yet it causes significant strain. and it's hard because adopting a child, it will probably strain your finances, your marriage, and your family, and you have to be prepared for that. It's hard, and you'll often feel guilty, judged, and bad about not being able to get a breakthrough. So I'm going to break this up into two episodes. They're probably going to be longer than my normal ones, but I don't want to shortcut anything here.

13:27So let's dive in. I wanted to begin with some statements from parents who have been through the process because I think it provides a unique window that you may be able to relate to. Mom says, we adopted our child at three months old. So not only did she experience trauma in the womb, but the pain of separation from her first mother as an infant. We've learned so much about how the brain and nervous system develop in infancy. And so along with that comes hyper vigilance, anxiety, fear of being alone, rejection, sensitivity, sensory seeking behaviors, emotional outbursts, all of these come from a dysregulated nervous system.

14:06And it's our daily constant work. And I want you to notice that word, constant work to help her feel safe. We didn't understand any of this when we first became parents. I wish there were more awareness and training for prospective adoptive parents. And that's why I'm doing this podcast. Not that it's the best thing or enough, but it's a start. another parent adoption is frequently presented as a happy ending but it's far more complex than that there's often an unspoken expectation that adopted children should feel grateful for being given a home and by the way i've heard that from countless kids over the years who said there was always this unspoken pressure that i should just be grateful and it put all this pressure on me.

14:57By the way, I'll just say this too. There's often pressure of like, if two parents, and I've had this in our extended family, if mom and dad couldn't have children, well now this child becomes the object of all of that work and hope and expectation. Well, that's a lot, and it's good to be aware of that. So this can create a sense of internal conflict for the child, especially if they're also grappling with feelings of loss, confusion, or struggles with identity and belonging. These feelings don't always fit into the idealized image of adoption. As a result, they often get ignored or minimized in conversations about adoption.

15:45It can feel like because a child is adopted into a loving family, any pain or difficulty they experience must be temporary or even unimportant. I thought that was really well said by that parent who had been an adopted child. So let's first try to understand this from the perspective of the child, knowing that every child's experience is going to be different. So mom emailed and said, I have two picky eaters at home. One is eight and the other is 38. With Hungry Root, I can order meals tailored to the needs of our family without going down 14 different aisles. And Hungry Root now knows our preferences, so they recommend meals I wouldn't have even thought of.

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18:14So when we get those emails from parents saying, oh, we adopted him or her from birth, behind that phrase is the hope that that will make things different. After all, we were right there at the birth of the child. And surely that's helpful and good. What we often miss is what happened during the previous nine months of development in the womb. And every experience is different, but let's use some common sense here and make some assumptions. While adopting a child is a joyful experience and also very hard, carrying a child in your womb and then giving that child to someone else must necessarily be traumatic on varying levels.

18:51And I think it's safe to assume that in many, not all cases, the birth mother will have conflicting emotions such as guilt and regret and hope. She may not have had a supportive husband or partner or parents by her side. She may be economically distressed, and that's usually correlated with worse health outcomes and insufficient prenatal care. In the worst situations, she may be subject to abuse by the baby's father, or she may engage in more risky behaviors like drug or alcohol abuse, smoking, etc. If the birth mother is experiencing violence, trauma, depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues, well, this will impact the baby in the womb.

19:38Again, there's no judgment here. This birth mom may just be the most courageous, loving human you've ever met. That doesn't negate issues that will arise. We're trying to be honest that this isn't usually a happy and hopeful nine months of celebration and healthy self-care. in a supportive environment in most situations. And I'm not here to try to prove some point. I just want to say the child that you adopted, even if you were there to cut the umbilical cord, probably experienced some measure of trauma in the womb. I don't think that's a controversial statement. Let's even assume that was not the case.

20:20But we still have to consider common feelings associated with being separated at birth from your mother. especially since attachment starts forming in the womb. And this early trauma can lead to difficulties in forming healthy attachments, regulating emotions, and coping with stress. You know much of this, but many, not all, but many adopted kids mention struggling with feelings of loss, abandonment, rejection, and identity issues. It's normal and natural for them to ask, Why didn't my mom or dad want me? What was wrong with me? Why didn't the biological grandparents or uncles and aunts, why didn't they step in?

21:02Why did my family reject me and give me away to strangers? How do I know my new family won't give up on me? Does my father even know I exist? There could be shame around that pregnancy from rape or infidelity. They might feel different if they're adopted from a different culture, race, or nation. But there are dozens of questions like these. And I want you to normalize and encourage your adopted child to feel free to ask those questions because that's healthy. And don't be defensive about that. They need to ask those questions. So this may or may not be relevant, but I've done this thought experiment on a few occasions and I encourage you to do the same.

21:42Look, I'm one of four brothers and we're fairly close. Both of our parents are gone. So it's just the four of us boys. And we have pretty much daily interactions on this text thread as brothers. And I'm a reasonably content, happy guy with pretty secure attachments in life. But I imagined how would I react if I discovered today that I had been adopted. And here's what I immediately felt inside. I would instantly feel separation from my three brothers. Like I'm not really one of them. I would not feel on equal footing with them, as if I'm a little less than and not really in the family, even though I've spent my entire life with them.

22:28I would begin to question and wonder why nobody told me before. Hey, who is my mom and my dad? How am I like them? What did they look like? Why didn't they want to raise me? Did they ever try to contact me or meet me? Did I actually ever meet them and not know it? did they have other kids do i have step siblings out there are they still alive have my mom and dad ever wondered about me or what my life has been like would my dad be proud of me what traits did i get from my mom from my dad i would question whether my three brothers would really be by my side when things get tough given that i'm not a blood brother would they abandon me too how would my life have been different with my biological mom and dad and grandparents.

23:17Even as a grown man, this would be really hard. Again, that's just me, but I can imagine kids would have similar questions and more. And there's one more conflicting emotion that we kind of talked about earlier, which is that pressure to feel grateful that they were rescued or saved or chosen. It's subtle, but it's real. So let's consider what many adoptive parents have experienced. And I feel for adoptive parents because I'm very close to several in my family. And in some cases, family members could not have children themselves and decided to adopt. In some cases, there was a religious conviction behind it that they were doing something noble and good.

23:59And these can be very powerful motivators, but they can also set up unrealistic expectations of the child, the experience, and the parents. Sometimes a narrative develops that the adoptive parents are heroes rescuing a child who is not wanted, and that sets in motion many psychological complications. The child can be seen as the miracle baby or is given by God, which automatically carries additional pressure on the child to fulfill this mission. It can also create a dynamic in which people think, well, if God called us to do this, it has to turn out well. And I've had people tell me later, we used to frame it as being led by God, but we were actually just being led by our own desires and need to have a child to feel complete.

24:48It's a real thing. Again, I don't do blame or guilt. I just want us to be aware of things that can complicate this. And so that hero narrative can also create an expectation that the child should not act out since they were chosen and rescued. Just be aware of it. Now, a common myth I mentioned before that gets uttered a lot is, well, we'll just give this child so much love it heals them. And I love the sentiment, but it's not enough. Some issues are just deeper. Parents of adopted kids, especially kids with attachment disorders, can often find themselves feeling very isolated and misunderstood.

25:30Because sometimes these kids are able to present a very different, positive, healthy image to outsiders at school. But then be destructive at home and threaten their parents. I've worked with parents who have had to hide all the knives and sharp objects in the home to lock their bedroom door at night. I'm not trying to induce fear. I want you to know these things happen. They are not isolated. And they can happen in really good homes with really good parents. Other people simply don't believe the child they know could be like that. So it becomes a very lonely place to be. especially after you've had so much hope bring this child home and you've sacrificed so much for them and then you feel guilty for regretting that you ever adopted that child that's a real feeling that's a normal feeling to have when you have been through this and I know some may bristle at that but it's a genuine struggle for many people many people do not understand the strain this places on families who spend inordinate amounts of money on therapy and whose marriages are torn apart.

26:49Sometimes the family, including the biological children, sometimes the family is destroyed. Just know that going in. Again, not fear, eyes wide open. I do not want you feeling guilty because you are struggling. In many cases, adoption agencies are not completely forthright about the challenges that come with adoption. I am not knocking them, but they have a vested interest in getting kids adopted. And so it's wrong to not prepare parents. And if that has been your experience, I encourage you to tell them so that they can do a better job preparing future families for this journey. So if you are considering adopting a child, or you know what, most of this is just if you're considering just having a child, it would be helpful to go in being prepared.

27:41So I encourage you to do the following. Definitely do your research. Talk to other parents who have adopted. Go in with realistic expectations of yourself and your kids. Two, make sure your marriage is strong and healthy before you adopt. But raising children of any kind will stress your marriage. We talk all the time about our kids, strong-willed kids. Of course, that's going to stress. And then when you have kids who have trauma, well, that's going to be even harder at times. So I would have very open and honest discussions about questions like this. Hey, how are you? How are we going to respond when your child lies and steals, has emotional meltdowns?

28:30When we get calls from the school about persistent behavior issues, talk through those issues about how you were raised as a child. What form of discipline did your parents use? How are you going to break certain patterns? Get on the same page. All prospective parents should have these discussions I would set aside extra money For additional unexpected therapy I am not being flippant I'm not being dramatic It's reality I am talking about possibly tens of thousands of dollars And if you don't end up using it Good, that's a win That can be put toward college or other things but know that you're probably going to have to get additional therapy that you didn't count on.