Ever Feel Indignant At Your Child’s Attitude or Misbehavior? 12 More Ways to Change This. #599

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2:52Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. So visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. Have you ever felt that resentful, indignant anger kind of surge through you, rise up within you when your child exhibits attitude, especially after all you've done for them? like it would feel satisfying to just react. I have. I'm going to show you how to deal with that. And also, how do you discipline kids who have messed up without causing meltdowns and power struggles, especially with your sensitive, strong-willed and PDA kids?

3:35We already discussed 10 ways to do this two episodes ago, but I want to show you another 12 ways to do that in order to change your child's behavior, but ultimately so they take responsibility for themselves without creating more power struggles. We don't want any more of those. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. So let's begin with some easy, quick ideas. Then we'll build to more creative ones. Then I'm going to end with a story I've never really told before, but I think it will help you and resonate with you.

4:11So number one, use a business-like tone. When addressing your child's behavior, don't use that really sweet tone because that sounds condescending. We don't want to use the harsh tone. That puts them on the defensive. And we definitely don't want to do the snotty tone. You know what? If you would have just done what I told you to do, you wouldn't have lost your screens. No, that doesn't work either. So I always model business-like tone, no emotion, no mansplaining, no parent-splaining, short and sweet. Number two, do not use the following phrases. Never sit your child down and say, you know, we need to talk to you about your behavior.

4:49It just immediately puts any human on the defensive, and it tends to focus on just pointing out the bad outward behavior, usually in conjunction with, you know what, a non-consequential consequence that won't work, instead of giving kids tools and insight to get to the root of the issue and make different choices. I always want to go a little bit deeper. Please also banish these phrases from your vocabulary with any other human being. You know, if you would just apply yourself, it's not motivating. You need to try your best. No, nobody does their best at everything. You do your best at the important things.

5:31And I'm not going to go over that. But just trust me, those phrases don't work. They're born of your own parental anxiety because I just want my child. They're capable of so much more. And I've seen it. And if they would just apply themselves, they're not living up to their potential. No, it'll cause these kids to shut down. It's counterproductive. Number three, remember, sandwich negative comments, right, in between positives. Give space and don't give eye contact. So give a compliment or two. Mention an area they need to work on and then end with another compliment. And I'll share a funny one because someone just did this to me.

6:10A guy emailed and said, hey, love your podcast and all the great ideas. But man, those ads are annoying. Hey, keep up the good work because it's helping our family. And so I yelled into the other room to Mrs. Coleman. I'm like, hey, this guy just sandwich corrected me. So I actually had a really helpful conversation with him about our ads. And you know what it actually helped me realize? I've apologized for the ads in the past and I validated, hey, I get it. They're annoying. But it's always kind of in a defensive way. But I have to be honest, because that's not honestly how I feel about the ads anymore.

6:48So I was vulnerable with him, and I told him that because I knew I could get judged. And as we talked, I realized one of my favorite podcasts, sometimes it's like four or five ads up front. I'll be hiking, listening, and I'll kind of curse to myself like, what the F, Dr. Mike? What's going on? But then I realized I listened because he puts together, or it could be someone else that you like. She puts together such good content that I enjoy. And I can skip through the ads if I want. But the last few times it's happened, it's actually prompted gratitude on my part. Now, I'm not being smarmy with this.

7:25And it's like, you know what? I know how hard this guy's worked to create such a popular platform. so I'll choose to be happy for him and his success and enjoy the podcast. And so I told this guy that and he said, huh, okay, I can see that. Forget I even bothered you with it, right? And I told him, I was like, hey, if you want, you pay$5 per month for the ad-free version of the podcast. And he said, no, I like the shift in attitude, not letting your annoying ads have power over my mood. And I was like, well done, sir. Well done. So avoid eye contact with our kids. With our kids, I would avoid eye contact when they're upset or overwhelmed.

8:09You know, unless your particular child likes it, always trust your judgment as you know your kids best. But whether I'm trying to calm a kid or talk to them about their behavior, I prefer to do that while we're moving, while we're walking next to each other, while we're focused on an activity, sitting in a building with Legos, driving in the car, anytime after dark is great. Cooking or baking something, playing outside, addressing issues while engaged in an activity helps avoid those intense face-to-face confrontations that can escalate, they get very emotional or create a defensive or shame-based response.

8:46Number four, give space. No one likes to be watched when they're upset or in trouble or struggling. When you have tough talks with your kids or when they're very upset, try to step away be like, oh, you know, I need to use the bathroom. I gotta go get a glass of water. I need to go get the laundry out in the basement. You'll notice that most of my examples, I validate with intensity. Oh man, I'd be really frustrated too. Then I remove myself for a couple minutes so the child can process their emotions without being watched or pressured. And this is important for all of our kids and it's a necessity for our PDA kids.

9:21I don't like to be watched while I'm struggling. It makes me feel pressured and embarrassed and I tense up or I get angry. So I'd also encourage you, don't tag team your child in most cases. Don't have like both parents sit one child down. Just have one parent do it. Otherwise it can kind of feel overwhelming because now both parents are looking with those concerned or angry faces at me. It's overwhelming. Make sure you're on the same page and you back each other up. But I just do it one-on-one as much as I can. I just got an email yesterday from a principal who's begun doing this. This is kind of cool.

9:59So some parents bought our downloadable programs. And we always say, if you get our programs, we will share them for free with your parents, the grandparents, with teachers, with the school. And so we shared the relevant school ones with their child's teacher and the principal. And the principal actually emailed and said, hey, when kids come to my office now, I always have a few Legos, some crayons and a coloring book. or things kids can fidget with while we talk. And I notice the kids are opening up and smiling when they leave my office. And these are middle school kids even, right? But middle school kids, you sit and color with them in the middle of the day, they will open up more.

10:40So well done, principal. Well done. Number five, this is really helpful for a child with PDA. So use a favorite character from a book or movie to make behavior issues less personal. So if you have a child with pathological demand avoidance or pervasive or persistent drive for autonomy, these kids will feel even the slightest hint of correction as a personal attack. So asking, look, asking, hey, what do you think you could do differently next time? Perfectly fine for many kids, especially with that tone. But it's also intensely personal, and our PDA kids will feel attacked or embarrassed. So instead, I might say something like this.

11:25Hey, what do you think Matilda or Captain Underpants or Superman would do in this situation? See, now they can think it through in terms of the character, so it's not so personal. They can kind of be the one in charge of the situation. Plus, these kids often have great imaginations. They like to live in a pretend world, which gives them more autonomy and control. Plus, it's fun. It allows you to have a more open conversation. I remember working with this one kid. He loved Simon Says games. So we framed it that way. Hey, what do you think Simon would say to your friend, to your dad, to your sibling?

12:06And if you haven't, I encourage you to listen to the PDA Parent Podcast. Even if you're not sure if your child has PDA, You'll hear some overlap with this, but you also walk away with some very specific strategies at celebratecalm.com slash PDA. Number six, plant seeds and give space for them to grow. So think about this. You don't plant a seed in the ground, water it, and then stand over it waiting for it to sprout. Come on, plant. When are you going to finally grow? What do I need to do around here? Why are you being so defiant? I gave you water, mixed up, give you good soil, right? So one of my favorite, but that's kind of what we do with our kids.

12:49So one of my favorite phrases to use, especially as kids get older, is something like this. Hey, Casey, you know, one of the things I've discovered in life is that when I do X, people tend to respond better. And then I would walk out of the room. See, I'm not telling my child what or how to think. I'm giving perspective. I'm planting a seed of wisdom or truth, then removing myself. And I remove myself so I don't get triggered by my child staring at me like I'm an idiot or responding, well, that's stupid. but I remove myself so they can digest what I just said and have time to process it and internalize it without me standing over them, without me trying to convince them, without me waiting for some response like, Father, you have so much wisdom, thank you.

13:45It's kind of the difference between you need to change the way you think and I'm going to stand here until you agree to see it my way and hey, here's some wisdom that I believe will help you. And I believe you're capable of incorporating it into your life or your decisions. By the way, something else just hit me too, which I don't think I've said in a long time. I don't need you to accept this, right? Part of good discipline is, look, this is for your benefit. I don't need you to affirm me, agree with me. I don't need you to say, of course, I'll do that right away. I don't need this. This is actually for your sake.

14:27Because when you need it too badly, then I just need you to finally listen to me. And that guarantees they won't. But now I'm stepping back and saying, hey, this is something I found in life. It's kind of a truth. And so something to consider. And usually Casey would come back to me later, maybe days later. In some cases, it could be a couple weeks. Hey, I've been thinking about what you said. So don't force your ideas on your kids unless you want them to reject you and your ideas. Number seven, this is important. Sometimes our kids have to learn the hard way. Sometimes nothing you say, no matter how you say it, will get through to your strong-willed child.

15:10The real world and School of Hard Knocks will teach them a hard lesson. And sometimes that is the best and fastest way for them to learn. Not the easiest, but easy is overrated with your kids. I just want you to know that's part of the process sometimes with our kids. So don't feel like you failed. It's just how it works. Now, what about when your child gets homework answers wrong and you have to walk on eggshells wondering how to show them the right answer without triggering World War III? So we like saving money and eating healthy. Plus, we like delicious meals and less stress. So I did a calculation with Hungry Root.

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18:30Order your Cove system today at covesmart.com slash CPP. Head to covesmart.com slash CPP or just use code CPP at checkout for up to 70 % off your first order. And please let them know you heard about Cove from this podcast. Number eight, respect their intelligence. I know that sounds kind of weird, but so many of our kids, especially PDA kids, they're really just craving respect. The PDA kids are not looking to equalize. They just want to be respected. And that's why I talk to them like adults. And we've established our kids are much more comfortable in the adult world. So I remember many times coming alongside Casey.

19:13And just think about that visual too, instead of like, well, I had to confront him. I had to come face to face with him. No, I came alongside Casey. Making something to eat in the kitchen and saying, hey, I know you know yelling at mom is wrong. I love that phrase. I know you know that's wrong. Instead, we're like, what were you thinking? How many times have I told you? It kind of implies that they're an idiot. It's a really condescending thing. Like, here, go try saying that to your spouse tonight. You know, what were you thinking when you did that? Let me know what kind of response you get from your spouse or any other human.

19:46I know you know that's wrong. So what do you think you could do to repair that? because when given a choice and some ownership and time, sometimes our kids actually, if you're given consequences, they'll actually choose. Casey would choose a much harsher consequence than I would have given. But most of the time, after I was kind of done with the consequences, it was more just like, hey, let me focus on restoration and teaching life skills. So I remember I'm saying, well, I know I need to apologize, but then maybe I could do a service project to help mom. And I was like, perfect. See, the tone says, look, you're smart enough to know this isn't going to work around here.

20:26So what's your alternate plan? There's no drama. He would walk in with attitude. And he's full of himself sometimes. And I just say, like, Case, you know that's not going to work with me. So what's the alternate plan? I can help you out with that. It's just kind of reading how life works. There's not a lot of energy given to that. There's no drama. There's no, I can't believe that you, no. Hey, that's just not going to work for you. So why don't you try an alternate way of asking me? Number nine, let them teach themselves. We have kids who want to figure out things by themselves, not to be told what to do or how to do it.

21:02And you've seen this. They'll teach themselves a musical instrument, a foreign language, something else by watching YouTube videos, not listening to you or a teacher. Casey speaks fluent German and never took one lesson in German. He is a fantastic guitar player. He had one lesson. And then I just got him mentors at blues clubs. See, I can work with that. Your strong-willed kids don't value the same things you do. And they don't want to do it your way. So let them figure out how to do it themselves. Let them struggle. Even if you could show them the right way in 60 seconds. And then affirm them instead of like, Oh no, we have to be so difficult.

21:45It would be so much easier. No. Look, I love the fact that you're willing to wrestle with things and do it the harder way. That's a great quality. The fact that you're willing to do it the hard way and figure it out on your own so that you have to really dig in and figure it out. Oh man, I love that quality. Now, do I always really love the quality? No, it's irritating. I really just want you to listen to me and do it the way I want you to do it because I have control issues. Number 10, role play with rewind and replay. and this is a reminder for your younger kids and teens if you want them to laugh at you.

22:19So say a little kid walks into the kitchen and steals something from a sibling. You can lecture and you can have a talk about the need to be kind and share or did you hear me dismissing you doing that? Did you hear my utter disdain for that in my pause? Or you do rewind and replay. So they have to walk backwards out of the room. Why? Well, that's fine. Then they walk back into the kitchen and they do a replay or a redo and practice a new behavior. You are literally practicing behavior. You're role-playing different situations, but it's a little bit more fun and interactive and physical. Now, my favorite version of this is when you play rewind and replay after you mess up, lecture, or yell.

23:05You walk backwards out of the room, even with a teenager, and then you come back in and you apologize. Number 11, find a mentor or other trusted adult your child will listen to. Our strong-willed kids aren't always going to listen to us as parents. It's just the way that it is. But you have noticed they will listen to another adult, a coach, a mentor, a teacher, a neighbor down the street, an aunt or a grandfather they trust. Maybe an older kid in high school or college they look up to. So create opportunities for your kids to help other adults with special projects. Like, you know, my go-to is helping an older couple down the street.

23:39Why? because they will share life with wisdom with your child and your child will actually listen to them right it's like some kids are not getting the hygiene message from you but they may listen to a favorite aunt or uncle or from a college kid they look up to number 12 put the choice in your child's court i remember exactly where i was standing in our town home in northern virginia when Casey was exhibiting his uniquely endearing, charming attitude. And I was about to go upstairs. But I could feel that resentful, indignant anger surging through me. I mean, after all we did and all we sacrificed so he could have such a great life that we never had, where's the gratitude?

24:23Where's the good attitude? I remember in that moment, in many moments, I wanted to react. I did. I felt like he deserved it. Like it would feel satisfying to just ream him and correct his attitude. You have felt that before. You should feel that. That's normal. I hope within the next day you feel that, right? Like it's kind of like you have this little devil on your shoulder whispering to just do it. That it would feel so good. I mean, your parents did this to you and you turned out okay. And then the little angel on the other shoulder is whispering, hey, control yourself. You're a grown-up. You'll regret saying it.

25:03You need to be the grown-up and not take it personally. So for whatever reason in that moment, I didn't react. I reset myself inside. I stepped down off the stairs and I smiled. And yes, it was a forced smile. But sometimes emotions follow actions. I slowed my world down inside and I looked at my son. Because he was my son. Not my adversary. Not a child getting under my skin. not some ungrateful kid who was responsible for my responses or emotions. Hey, Case, this is your choice right now, and your choices affect your life, not mine. I'm going to go upstairs and take a quick shower. When I get back down, let me know if you need some help with your choice.

25:49Now, it wasn't a perfect response, but it began to lay the groundwork for a few new principles we operated by. Hey, I'm not responsible for your choices and responses. You are. I'm only responsible for mine. And what you decide will directly impact your life, not mine. And there was a certain, you know, I don't know how to say that. There was a certain sacred quality to that, right? A certain dignity and a nod to his individuality. It was helping us create boundaries and frame his choices in a way that gave him ownership over them. So my job wasn't to make him behave or change his attitude, but to help him learn how to make positive choices without sabotaging himself.

26:38And through that, I actually learned how to control my own responses and make better choices myself. All right, let's go for a bonus. Number 13. Let's say your child completes a math worksheet but gets several problems wrong. If you say, hey, come sit down. We need to go through this worksheet so I can show you all the problems you got wrong. And then I'll stand over you and show you how to do them correctly. My guess is your child is not going to say, of course, mother and father, I relish the opportunity to learn from you. No, they're going to melt down over that. So something like this may work better.