Expect Big Battles From Morning to Midnight: Here’s Your 5-Step Game Plan #625

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3:43So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us in our back to school sale at CelebrateCalm.com. So let's jump in. Step number one, expect big emotions. It's not like this is something new. Don't be shocked that intense kids with big visions who picture things in their brains and then get frustrated respond with intense emotions. You're not doing something wrong. You're not a bad parent. You have intense kids who want to do more grown up things, but they don't have the tools to do them.

4:21And that means they will do some great things in life, but that drive also breeds frustration. One of the most powerful tools is this. Every day, wake up and say, look, I know my kids are going to have big emotions and possibly a meltdown today. That's a given. So I'm going to plan for it and not be shocked or triggered when, not if, it happens. Look, when I pick my kids up from school, one's going to vent and complain for seven minutes about why he hates school. But I'm not going to react because I'm not responsible to fix that for him. He just needs to process it verbally that way. At the grocery store, one of my kids is going to have a big tantrum because I won't let her have a cookie from the produce department.

5:07But I'm not going to give in because her behavior and moods don't change mine. Then while I'm cooking dinner, I will be ready for the inevitable sibling fight that comes when I'm busy with my hands and stuff. And I'll be ready for those cries of, that's not fair. One of my kids is super picky, so he'll probably resist at dinner, which will trigger my spouse's big emotions as well. Then we'll have tears over homework and bedtime and bath time. Just know that it's going to happen because it usually does. And if you somehow make it through a day without big emotions, well, there's a bonus for you.

5:47Some of you get frustrated and escalate because you are doing way too much for your kids. And then you become resentful. I do all these things to make my kids' lives so perfect and give them things I never had as a kid. And you'd think they could respond with some gratitude. Instead, they take it for granted and complain even more, I'm sick of this. Look, I get that. But you made the decision to do everything for your kids. They didn't. Maybe you're trying to heal your inner childhood wounds by being so good to your kids. I get that. But you can't give to others with expectations. See, otherwise, that's manipulation, right?

6:28Because I do so much for you, you owe it to me to behave well, be thankful. So stop doing everything for your kids. Apologize to them for creating this false expectation that that's how life works. Begin expecting more of your kids and making your own needs a priority. Look, if you don't care enough about yourself to make your own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs a priority, why would anybody else care? Let me say that again. If you don't care enough about your own needs to make yourself a priority, why would anybody else care? See, you have to treat yourself as if you are a person worthy of being treated well and prioritized.

7:17And that's hard for many of you because you've got some wounding there, some worthiness issues. So I want you to begin treating yourself like you want others to treat you. And for many of you, it's actually this. Treat yourself as well as you treat other people. Okay, begin planning a fire drill for your home in the next 24 hours when big emotions are unleashed. What are you going to do differently next time? Look, a firefighter doesn't show up at a fire and start yelling at people or freaking out. He assesses the root of the fire? What causes it? Is this a grease fire? What kind of fire is it?

7:57And then the firefighter problem solves to put out the fire. So I want you to kind of plan ahead. What are you going to do when this happens? Number two, have a code word. I like this. This was an idea that our son came up with as we were kind of changing as a family. And in some ways he was teaching me how to talk to him when he was upset. When he used to conduct school assemblies for kids, he'd teach them the idea of the code word. And if you have our Calm Parenting Bundle, let your kids listen to Casey's Straight Talk for Kids program. They'll listen because it's a kid talking to kids about how to get control themselves, get more freedom.

8:39And this is what Casey would say to your kids. But nothing helpful happens when you continue to talk and argue if you're already frustrated and upset. You will say things you don't mean and then lose your screens. What you need is some space and time to reset. But how do you stop once you've started to get frustrated? My dad and I used a code word. It can be anything. For us, it was chips and salsa. Did we actually eat chips and salsa every time? No. But what that code phrase meant was, no more words, we're going to separate for a few minutes and then talk later. Try this sometime. Use a code word.

9:20Separate for a little while, chill out, and then chat when you're calm. You'll get in trouble less often, and you'll have more freedom. You could ask your kids what they want the code word to be that means you need to stop talking. Okay, number three, validate with intensity. This is so important. Many of your kids get extremely upset and even destructive when little things go wrong or over what they perceive or you perceive are trivial things. So let's say your child comes home from school and immediately begins building a little catapult because our kids have little engineering brains and they're fascinated with how things work.

10:01And that's why they tinker with things, including your brain, because that's what arguing is and pushing buttons. They're just tinkering with your brain because it's fun, because you always react. So you have to stop doing that. Because, look, they can see patterns in your arguments and patterns in how things fit together. So I love buying old electronics from a thrift store for kids to work on. It's an awesome little thing to do, and it's cheap. So after a little while, after your child's home, you hear that dreaded sound from the other room. It is your child raging, upset, lashing out. His catapult didn't turn out exactly how he had pictured in his brain or seen it online.

10:43So he's clearly overreacting and destroying the catapult he spent so much time working on. This catapult is stupid. I'm stupid. I hate myself. And most good parents will walk into the room and say something like, Well, honey, that was a really good catapult. I thought you did a great job with that. Look, some of you are still using that really sweet voice with your kids when they're upset. And it will enrage them because it sounds condescending. It makes them feel like you're not taking this seriously. It's like you're trying to convince them that what they created was good so that they won't be upset.

11:29Here's why it also escalates and really infuriates your child. Here's what they're thinking. All day at school, I've been thinking about making this catapult because I like building and tinkering with things to see how they work. I'm not good at school or sports or following directions like my perfect siblings. I'm always in trouble, and this is one thing I'm supposed to be good at, but this stupid catapult didn't work right, so I feel like a stupid loser who can't do anything right. And then you walk in the room and act like it's no big deal. But that just shows you don't understand me. You don't realize that this strikes at the core of my self-confidence.

12:07And this is why I have big emotions over this. So think about that for a second. I don't want to say the whole thing over again. But really think about that from the kid's point of view. It's like, I'm not good at a lot of stuff. But I'm usually good at this. And now it didn't work out right. and see how that kind of inside, it's hitting on a lot of different levels. And when we come in and just say, oh, it was really good. See, it's dismissing the child's frustration. And I know it seems trivial to you, but it's not to them. And now the child, your child feels completely misunderstood, which is a huge trigger for them.

12:53So instead of dismissing their emotions, or trying to convince your child there's no reason to be upset over some things trivial, validate with intensity. Oh man, of course you're frustrated. You put a lot of effort into that and it didn't work the way you wanted. That's frustrating. See, we all want that kind of validation when we're upset. It's calming. Yeah, if I were you, I'd be really disappointed. Those are great phrases because this happens all the time with our kids. And if you have our programs, listen to the Strong Will Child program because it will give you so much insight into how these kids think.

13:31And that will stop so many meltdowns and power struggles and big emotions from escalating. Notice, by the way, I didn't say, you know what, if I were you, I'd be frustrated. So if I were you, I'd go punch a hole in the wall or hit your sister. That's not what I said. I normalized the frustration. so the next step number four is to give your child some space and no eye contact because nobody likes to be watched when they're upset so you can remove yourself for a minute hey i need to go grab a drink i need to go to the bathroom i need to go change my clothes because kids need time to process their disappointment frustration and anger without being watched without being talked to without someone trying to fix their emotions and i do not like giving eye contact when kids are really upset because they're usually beating themselves up inside and they feel embarrassed by their meltdown we've covered this before a lot but just think the child comes home tries to build something doesn't work well he's upset that it didn't work and now after a few minutes, he's beating himself up because why am I the one in the home that gets so upset about these things?

14:52Why doesn't anybody else yell and scream over little things like I do? And so when we come in with eye contact and staring at them, that's why it usually escalates. And I've been through this, but that's why I like being able to say, hey, let's go for a car ride. Hey, can you help me get something from the store? Hey, let's dump some Legos on the floor and we'll build with that. And in the next example, I'll show you a couple different ways that you can de-escalate without using eye contact. So we talked on a recent podcast about helping disorganized kids get organized as school begins. So I have an idea for you.

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17:43View our selection of Whirlpool appliance options today on Menards.com. Plus, check out our weekly flyer and find plenty of great deals happening this week. Save big money at Menards. So number five, control yourself first. It simply does not work. If you or your spouse cannot control your own emotions, there's no blame and no guilt in that. It's just that the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. So I encourage you to sit. Just sit down. You can do that anywhere, and it does change things. It doesn't fix the whole situation, but it does tend to de-escalate things pretty quickly.

18:24remember to use the even matter of fact tone without emotion because when your kids have a lot of big emotions you don't want to add your emotion to it that's adding fuel to the fire i don't want you to plead i don't want you to try to convince your child and there are dozens of ways to lead your child to a calm place but i'll give you one of my favorite ones ever this little kid that used to come to our camps back in the day when we'd have 10 15 kids in our home and And, man, he was this really, really bright kid and super intense. So I remember this one time. He got so upset. He had a lot of anxiety.

19:01He went out. We lived in a townhome surrounded by other people. And he would go out on the front steps and just start screaming, like, bloody murder kind of stuff so that all the neighbors would be looking at our house like, what are you doing to these children? Right? And so I remember at first I'd be like, Max, stop, Max, you can't do that. hey Max calm down hey Max do you want a snack and I try to bribe him and one day instead I just walked out through the front door and I walked down like three steps because we have these really steep steps to a townhouse outside of DC and so I sat down and I grabbed some sidewalk chalk and I started coloring on my steps I didn't say a word and he stopped screaming and then I felt his nasty little warm breath on my neck and he's like Mr.

19:52Cook what you don't draw very well and I was like I know I don't Max can you can you show me how to draw and so the beauty of it was I wasn't looking at him I wasn't trying to calm him down I was doing something concrete and then I gave him a way to feel in control of himself because now he was teaching me how to draw and that made him feel in control of himself. And guess what? The screaming stopped. And as we're both coloring together, we start having this amazing conversation about the root of his anxiety and what caused him to be upset. So let's picture this. Picture a mom and a teenage daughter at a standstill.

20:39Teenage daughter is coming at mom with teenage tone and teenage attitude. And mom has every right to respond, young lady, you will not talk to me like that. And I said that to my son once and his response was, just did. He was a tough kid. And so the mom in this situation wisely does not take the bait. She doesn't take it personally. Instead, she recognizes her daughter is in an irrational place so rational talk won't work. She isn't going to convince her daughter to speak kindly to her, but she also doesn't want to keep escalating this situation. So mom grabs some paper and some crayons and sits down at the kitchen table and she begins to draw or color.

21:30And then without looking up, she pushes some sheets of paper or coloring book, and I keep a few of those on hand, and some crayons in front of her daughter and doesn't say a word. Now, teenage daughter is staring at her mom like, what are you doing? Mom takes her tone down a notch because, you know, I like humility. Should the daughter have first said, mother, I'm sorry that I escalated and said those mean things to you? Yes, she should. But your strong willed child isn't going to do that at first. and we're the adults, so I take the lead. And mom humbles herself and says, hey, I can tell you're frustrated.

22:11I'd like to hear what's going on without looking up at her daughter. Now, you could give your daughter a caring, knowing look, and that would be okay too, but I just want you to start observing how they respond to different things. Mom could also say, you know what? I've had a really long day and I'm frustrated too. I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier. And that humility will break down walls. And somewhat reluctantly at first, this teenage daughter who a few minutes ago was wrapped up in her big emotions because everything in the teen and tween world is immediate, now in the moment, with such urgency.

22:52And it's all that matters. And if I don't get to hang out with my friends, I'm going to be left out and my life will be ruined. That's what it feels like in the teen world. And it's even worse now because of social media. It's so immediate and constant and visual. So mom didn't try to convince her daughter that everything's okay or try to calm her down. Nobody likes to be told, honey, you need to calm down. She calmed herself down first. She slowed that confrontation and situation down. and she did it by coloring because it's really hard to yell and scream while you were physically sitting and coloring.

23:36It just changes the dynamic. And I know to many of you it sounds like, well, that's too simplistic. I like simple. I like stuff that works. I don't want you in that moment to have to remember all these big words with dysregulation and all of these psychological words and 18 steps. No, I just sat down and started coloring and something happened. And she drew her daughter in. She led her daughter to a calm place. And I want you to picture this. A mom and teenage daughter are sitting together, each coloring. It's grounding. It's settling. It provides a focus, something that both of them can control in that moment.

24:18The sensory feel of the crayon in your hand as it brushes against the paper feels good and settling. They're both looking down at their sheets of paper. That confrontation and urgency is gone. And now they can actually talk and problem solve. And they're together. And they both have a different tone. Now, you don't have to color with your kids. You may need to do something more intense and physical like push-ups or play catch or build with Legos. or do some yard work because a lot of our kids like shoveling mulch. You may pivot and invite your child to go get a smoothie together or simply ride in the car to decompress because no eye contact.

24:58When our son was about 12, he would come at me with that tone. You know the tone. And my initial instinct would be, young man, you will not use that tone with me. Go to your room for the rest of your life because that's what ends up happening. It's just like every night, go to your room. But see, now I'm just sending my child away from me at the exact moment he needed my help. That's when my role as the adult, the leader in the home, was to give my son wisdom and tools to make a different choice. So I remember one time I just stepped back. I controlled myself for a moment. And when I heard the negative emotion in his voice, I knew I had to take the emotion out of mine and lead him to a calm place.

25:52So I would acknowledge in this even matter of fact tone, hey, Case, when I hear that tone in your voice, it tells me you're usually anxious, frustrated or hungry because those have always been his three triggers and they still are at age 32. too. So, son, you have two options. You may continue speaking to me like that, but I know it makes you feel uneasy and you won't like the consequences. So I'm going to give you some space while I go grab tortilla chips. If you want to grab the salsa and meet me out on the deck or in the basement or kitchen, whatever it is, I'd love to help you with whatever you're struggling with.

26:35Then I'd walk away and give him space. Watch what we're doing here. I gave him some insight into what was causing this tone to come out so he could address those underlying issues, not the outward expression. I assumed the best about him, that he didn't want to just be a snotty jerk. See how that works? And then there's a beauty in here of saying, Hey, Case, for the rest of your life, when you notice this uneasy feeling inside and you're pushing someone a little bit and you're unhappy, it probably is anxiety, frustration, or you're hungry. And that has played out in his life. Well, guess what?

27:18Now he knows how to deal with that and get to the root of it. And I gave him two very clear choices and consequences, right? Like, you can keep doing it. This is not going to end well for you. but I gave the energy to, hey, but I'm going to get some chips. If you want to go get the salsa, man, I'd really love to help you. See what the tone is? There's an invitation. And I gave him some space to make that choice instead of, you know what, young man, you need to make a choice right now about what you're going to do and how you're going to handle this. And I gave him a simple action step that he can easily do in the moment.

27:51Grab the jar of salsa from the refrigerator. That's it. I didn't tell him to do deep breathing exercises. Nothing wrong with that. I didn't tell him to calm down. I just said, hey, if you grab the jar of salsa, I'll have some chips and I'll meet you in this specific concrete place and we can eat a snack. I didn't ask or demand that he change his tone right away. I just asked him to grab a jar of salsa. I invited him into my calm place on the deck so that I could help him, not lecture him about his attitude and admonish him to be grateful after all I've done for him. See, now I have my child moving with a specific activity in mind, a purposeful focus.

28:31I have moved from a toxic environment to a new setting and introduced, in this case, some fresh air because it's always important for mood changes if you get a chance. I have given my child an out, a chance to regroup. I have given myself an opportunity to regroup and reset myself as well. That's why I like this a lot better than a time out. Good luck getting a strong-willed, intense, active little kid to sit in a chair and think about your actions and choices. That's brutal. It's not going to work. So you get them moving, motion changes emotion, something they feel in control of, and that is way better than a timeout.