Help For Kids Who Want To Quit, Complain, Be Negative, Are Messy & Forgetful, Compete With Siblings, Have ADHD #576

0:00Kirk Martin:The parents who listen to our podcast are brilliant. You've heard me talk about giving kids ownership. So this great couple gave their son responsibility for the family calendar using Skylight Calendar. This is a kid with ADHD who is not actually organized. But now that he is in charge of highlighting everyone's activities with a different color he can see visually, Skylight Calendar has reduced his anxiety and eliminated those unknowns that cause meltdowns. Skylight syncs all your calendars and then visually displays your family schedule on an HD touchscreen. It's perfect for modern families.

0:38Kirk Martin:Try it for 120 days, and if you're not 100 % thrilled, you can return it for a full refund, no questions asked. Right now, Skylight is offering our listeners$30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to myskylight.com slash parenting. Go to myskylight.com slash parenting for$30 off your 15-inch calendar. That's M-Y-S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T dot com parenting. Casey gives me a hard time because I'm not fashion conscious, but he did admit I was way ahead of the curve with Cozy Earth, and now his friends are addicted to it. I bought my first Cozy Earth bamboo sheets, comforter, and pullovers five years ago, way before they became a sponsor, and they still look and feel new.

1:22Kirk Martin:Behind the Cozy Earth Comfort is craftsmanship and attention to detail. Cozy Earth sheets and comforters and socks and blankets are as durable as they are comfortable. And nothing is as comfortable as a Cozy Earth comforter. These comforters are so incredibly soft, naturally breathable, and temperature-regulating, they will comfort you physically and emotionally. discover their supreme comfort, craftsmanship, and heavenly softness for yourself. Head to CozyEarth.com and use my code CALM for up to 20 % off. I will race you right now to CozyEarth.com and use code CALM for 20 % off. And please tell them that the CALM guy sent you.

2:07Kirk Martin:With our kids, flexibility without added pressure always works best. That's why I encourage you to have your kids join over 15 million other students who use IXL. IXL is an award-winning online learning platform that you can customize for your child's learning style and your busy spring schedule. IXL can be used by any student from K-12, whether they're struggling in a particular subject or homeschooling. So let IXL help you finish the year strong and build your child's confidence with school. iXL personalizes learning for each child, keeps them engaged, and gives parents clear insight into progress.

2:47Kirk Martin:Whether reviewing earlier concepts or tackling new material, iXL adapts to each child's pace with no pressure. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get iXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an iXL membership when you sign up today at iXL.com. slash Kirk. Visit ixl.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. Do you have kids who seem to complain incessantly? What about kids who get upset when corrected and revert to negative self-talk? Should you allow a child to quit a sport? What about kids with ADHD who are messy or forgetful?

3:27Kirk Martin:How do you handle kids who one-up each other or compete for attention with a younger sibling? What should we focus on in the teen and tween years? These are some of the questions I'm going to answer in today's special Q &A episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us and our Black Friday and March sale at CelebrateCalm.com. This is the final week of this special sale. So let's jump in and answer some questions. I'm going to try to get through a lot, and that's why I talk so fast. So negative self-talk. A mom said, hey, if I say, hey, bud, you forgot your lunchbox again today.

4:05Kirk Martin:You need to try to remember it next time. It will cause my son to pitch a 20-minute crying fit, calling himself an idiot, dumb, stupid kid. I would never talk to him that way. And listening to him do it to himself is painful. So here are a few ideas for you. Number one, let's have your son be responsible for packing his own lunch. You can help him make things, but he has to put it together. If possible, let him make his sandwich and put stuff together. That way he's much more likely to remember it. Number two, I would just hand him the lunchbox and keep walking by or change the subject. Don't draw attention to it.

4:50Kirk Martin:Number three, I would not say, hey, you need to try to remember it next time. that's what triggers the negative self-talk and the meltdown it's the embarrassment that comes along with it knowing he's not naturally good at remembering those things he already knows he stinks at that and this kind of feels like it's rubbing it in it's like if you have a certain weakness and every single day your boss brought up your weakness you'd eventually you just start saying like oh why am i so dumb like everybody else is so good at this number four normalize that he stinks at remembering things like that well of course you forget little things like your lunchbox that's because your brain is busy thinking of bigger thoughts and ideas like and then you can fill in the blank because many of our kids are like strategic thinkers and they're really deep thinkers look you're a strategic thinker but that means you'll probably struggle with remembering little details see that's just an honest statement and you're pointing out both sides of it the strength and the corresponding weakness and that's super important for our kids to understand like of course you struggle in this area and that's why you're also really strong in this other area instead of being like oh i can't believe that that i'm no it's like we all have strengths and weaknesses.

6:19Kirk Martin:And part of the debilitating part of our society is that with our kids, we spend so much time in society and school spend so much time just pointing out what they're doing wrong and what they're not good at. No wonder they don't have any confidence. So you point that out and say, well, yeah, of course you forget things like that because your brain is focused on larger strategic things that you're thinking about and ideas and things that you're going to build and make and put together and sell but then you can transition so let's come up with some ideas you'll be able to use for the rest of your life to remember things so you can use that awesome brain of yours to solve problems create invent things see i want you to show him how to use post-it notes on his backpack how to send himself reminder emails or texts that way you are giving your child tools to be successful throughout his life in an area in which he'll probably always struggle see that's just that's just very very practical and you're taking out you're taking away any of that stigma from it's like yeah you're really good at these this area you're not so great at that area so here are some things i do in order to remind myself look number six i'm a realist he's just an 11 year old boy he's going to forget stuff at times and i could say the same thing if your child was like four or seven or 16 they're kids it's not the highest priority for them to remember all these little things you and i do because we're adults and we're conscientious and we don't do that we don't get paid and then our family starves and so we we We have a vested interest in that.

8:02Kirk Martin:But look, you can always just let him forget his lunchbox and then he can be hungry at lunch. And you don't have to take his lunchbox to school for him. It's a hard lesson, but a good lesson. Honestly, I don't know that that will really work a lot, but you could just do that. But I don't freak out about it. Look, number seven, the larger point is this. Beware this modern obsession we have with trying to fix all of our kids' weaknesses. it is absurd and destructive i do not spend most of my day lamenting the fact that i'm not good at fixing things around the house or doing calculus or skiing or singing or being a plumber i spend most of my energy doing the things i'm naturally good at doing or have learned to do well i want you to define your kids by their strengths not their weaknesses look the degree to which you are successful in life is the degree to which you use your natural gifts, talents, and passions and usually to serve and help other people and solve problems.

9:02Kirk Martin:Life is not about just, well, I've got to fix all of my weaknesses. Some weaknesses do not need to be fixed. Question, my child leaves a mess everywhere. Nothing seems to work. So I replied to this mom on Instagram and said, look, I'd perhaps start with a goal of creating an organized mess or confining his messes to particular piles or places. So instead of everything scattered everywhere, give him a place to dump stuff, even if it drives you crazy. What I'm looking for here is just some progress. And I would encourage you, listen to their two podcasts, Overcoming Triggers That Set You Off, Messes Everywhere, Part 1 and 2, from December, 2023.

9:46Kirk Martin:I think you'll find that really, really helpful. personal questions because I thought I'd answer what'd you get for your birthday I find that's kind of an intrusive personal question don't you but I'm kidding three things more books I love love love books I got a new cozy earth pullover and they're not paying me to say that this is just I'm wearing it right now I'm not kidding when I say it's like wearing heaven heaven and I got cozy earth towels because I'm a sensory freak like many of your kids and it has to feel just so and that bamboo oh it's perfect and so but you can get 40 off at cozy earth.com slash calm use code calm the best gift casey our son is planning a father-son hiking trip for us this summer so i hope it's just us hopefully tackling some huge mountain peaks and we get to spend three weeks together and i couldn't ask for anything more meaningful so thank you for all the kind wishes the great feedback from the birthday black friday sale question my seven year old complains about things not being fair because i carry the three-year-old down the stairs and then she demands i do it for her she'll scream when something doesn't go right and that triggers my fight or flight response any ideas one change the expectations of yourself and your daughter you have a lot going on she's seven she's supposed to be irritating at that age take some of the stress off of yourself and her enjoy her more and a few parents have written lately and said one thing that has helped immensely with your programs is just getting perspective knowing it's supposed to be hard we're not supposed to be perfect it's normal for our home to be messy and to feed our kids mac and cheese a few times a week that i don't have to manage every single thing my child does and that has freed me to actually enjoy being with my kids which has changed their behavior more than anything else isn't that interesting focus on that whether your child is little or nine or 12 or 15 enjoy them i know they're difficult but enjoy them stop carrying your older daughter downstairs instead you can say something like this look i I can treat you like a three-year-old, but that means you go to bed earlier.

12:02Kirk Martin:You don't get to eat X and you don't get all these special privileges. Or I can treat you like the older sister. See, when you act more grown up, you get to do more grown up things. So see if you can change from her competing with her younger sibling to create a special place for her as the oldest one. And when you talk to her, talk to her like an adult. matter of fact even matter of fact tone especially when she's frustrated i think you are frustrated mom and then she gets frustrated and so it just it just wears on your patience and i get that try to relax and enjoy these years little kids look their job is to ruin our agenda and make messes so lighten up on your agenda build time in for you know what to happen every day because it will question our boys constantly try to one up each other how can we get them to stop so when we had all these kids in our camps over the course of a decade we called them seven uppers because they would boast ridiculously so a few thoughts you can't really do much directly because they're just immature little kids and probably insecure and that's why they do this so focus on building their true talents and gifts give them opportunities to do jobs for older people or other adults because when other people notice their talents that builds confidence right now it's just boys being boys you have every right to say you know what that kind of makes you sound ridiculous because everybody knows it's not true.

13:40Kirk Martin:But here is what is true. And then list five great qualities, right? You see patterns. You're amazing at chess and arguing. You can see in three dimensions and build cool stuff without even reading the directions, which also means you'll probably get your family lost while driving and refuse to stop and ask for directions, then beat yourself up and make the car ride tense because you wasted 20 minutes instead of saving 10 with your shortcut. You have, I had to add that. So you have a witty sense of humor because you observe people and understand human nature. And when you combine that with your big heart, man, you're going to do great things in life.

14:21Kirk Martin:See, that's not fake praise. That's just truth. And it will resonate deeply with your kids over time. Okay, what are three things you would focus on in the teen and tween years? this was a really great question from some parents who've got a son that's just getting into that time of life so i said look number one keep a close connection with your son be the parents who don't do drama even though his world will be filled with drama be patient sit with him listen a lot even to all the inane teen stuff bond over horrible music he likes take every opportunity to drive him places because talking in the car is fantastic.

15:06So we talk all the time

15:07Kirk Martin:about giving our kids adult responsibilities and many of our kids love cooking. It's sensory, it's creative, and it makes them feel grown up. So let your kids order a couple hungry root meals every week and then they can be the chef on those nights. The hungry root recipes are super easy, even I can fix them, and they come with the right portions so it's not overwhelming. Your kids will look forward to getting home from school and finding their Hungry Root box there. It gives them some autonomy over food and they can work for tips. Get clean, healthy meals customized for your family's preferences delivered to your door to save you precious time.

15:48Kirk Martin:You're going to love Hungry Root as much as we do. Go to HungryRoot.com slash calm. Use code calm to get 40 % off your first box. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. That's HungryRoot.com slash calm, code calm, to get 40 % off your first box. HungryRoot.com slash calm, code calm. The Bleacher Report app is your destination for sports. Right now, the NBA is heating up, March Madness is here, and MLB is almost back. Every day there's a new headline, a new highlight, a new moment you've got to see for yourself. That's why I stay locked in with the Bleacher Report app. For me, it's about staying connected to my sports.

16:28I can follow the teams I care about, get real-time scores, breaking news, and highlights all in one place. Download the Bleacher Report app today so you never miss a moment.

16:38Kirk Martin:Fantastic with teens. Occasionally have dad take him out for late night wings or to go to IHOP, even on a school night, just to connect as father and son and enjoy each other. And you can do that mother and son, mother and daughter, father and daughter. Number two, affirm relentlessly anything that he does well, anything and everything. Because our kids in that age group, man, they tend to beat themselves up enough. You don't have to do that. When you do have to correct, keep it concise and direct with no emotion, followed by an invitation to grab something to eat. Why? Because teen boys are always hungry and a great time to bond.

17:18Kirk Martin:Number three, give your son, give your daughter opportunities to shine using their natural gifts and passions even if it's with neighbors or other adults find good mentors because our kids tend not to listen to their parents in the teen years but they will listen to other adults who can encourage them and hold them accountable and then you're going to hear this again enjoy him enjoy these years most of the stuff you encounter with school and grades and teen attitude don't matter in the long run it's what i just told you with your toddlers none that you're not going to remember any of that stuff in a couple years because you're going to be on to like bigger issues i want your kids leaving high school with a close relationship with their mom and dad feeling positive about themselves and their place in the world.

18:11Kirk Martin:That's enough. All the other stuff will fade away, but if you've got that foundation, man, your kids are going to crush it, and you guys are awesome parents. Okay, should we allow our child to quit sports they signed up for? And I know what your concern is. If we let our child quit, are we teaching him that it's okay to quit something you started? The short answer is that it's really smart sometimes to identify when you don't like something and then move on from it quickly. Half of life is understanding what you don't want to do. Some other thoughts. Most of the kids we work with do not like team sports.

18:44Kirk Martin:They excel in individual activities like martial arts, rock climbing, ballet, swimming. So I am biased toward just saying, hey, it's good to know in life what you like and what you don't. You push through things that are worth it and that you care about. But in other things, no, you just move on. And sometimes it is the parent who thought it was a good idea to sign their child up for a sport. If that's the case and your child just hates the activity or is just naturally terrible at doing it, then that's not quitting. That's realizing you made a mistake and it's good to rectify mistakes. You have kids with short attention spans and kids that are grazers.

19:27Kirk Martin:They like to try lots of different things but not stick to it. So don't make big commitments. Don't lay out a lot of money until they have proven that they can overcome challenges and adversity and stick with stuff. Don't buy expensive musical instruments or hockey sticks. Most of your kids aren't going to practice. So don't freak out about that. You could even have them pay for part of their equipment if they're older. So I have no problem with using wisdom and saying, hey, we tried this. Everybody's miserable. so now on those nights we used to go to that basketball practice we're going to be active doing something we actually enjoy all right this is a hard one my child just complains all the time and it's irritating and it sounds so ungrateful I want you to know you're not alone I even included an entire section of on this in the updated discipline that works program so I'm just going to cheat and kind of quote right from that many of you have kids who will complain the entire vacation then two weeks later when grandparents who didn't go ask hey how was vacation you will hear the same child say grandma that was like the best vacation ever and you're going to be on the other room thinking wait what all you did was complain the entire time here's what's going on this is not a gratitude issue i am very clear about gratitude it is a superpower in life it is best taught simply by modeling, not by obnoxious lectures to give thanks and be grateful in the moment.

20:59Kirk Martin:Model it, live it, let them see how you handle disappointment and adversity in life. But that's not what this is about. This is about kids who are verbally and emotionally expressive. And when they encounter even a small disappointment, they vent immediately and it's usually overblown. They catastrophize. great now the whole day is going to be ruined do not correct them right away or try to make it better do not try to explain or convince them that it's going to be okay it's annoying yes but it's how they process emotions i know this because our son is the same way and guess where he got that trait from from me but he is one of the most grateful people i know so it's not a gratitude issue.

21:48Kirk Martin:I think this is a good insight. Sometimes we catastrophize because we are setting and managing expectations. When we say the whole day is going to be ruined and it's not, well then that's a win. So here are some different options for responding that don't involve a snotty lecture about gratitude and don't involve trying to fix it or make it better. You can simply ignore it and know it will pass. Perfectly fine option. You could match the intensity. You know what? That does really stink when that happens. I hate when my plans get changed at the last minute. Sometimes that intense validation just feels good.

22:29Kirk Martin:They feel heard. Look, a couple months ago, Casey, he's a grown man now, texted me about this blood test he had to do and it meant fasting overnight and well into the next day. Plus, he couldn't drink water or even brush his teeth in the morning which is gross and he was venting and catastrophizing i was in the gym lifting weights i remember and my parental anxiety wanted to say you know what i don't think it's going to be that bad but why do we have to do that why do we feel compelled why do we need things to be better for them or have them not complain so instead i took my own advice and i advice and i just texted back well that really sucks I'd hate that and guess what he was done venting he just wanted someone to agree with him that it was awful you can agree and problem solve you know what that's not fair at all so what are you going to do now you may find out they just wanted to vent and that helps you could double down on this just for fun and see how they respond validate their disappointment oh I hate when that happens and then go on your own rant you know what happened to me the other day I waited in line for a long time following the rules and then the clerk let someone else just who seemingly walked in just cut right in front of me and I was furious what would you do in that situation and it may just draw them into a discussion about your issue and elicit from them a more reasonable response like yeah I'd be mad too mom but it was probably just someone who'd been there before and he had to go get something and bring it back.

24:06Kirk Martin:And in a way they will have solved their own problem by thinking about yours. Give that a shot sometime. I like this one a lot for after school and on vacation. Okay so here's what we're going to do. I'm going to give you seven and a half minutes. It is an arbitrary number. I like it because it's between five and ten. It's very specific which means there's a clear end to it and it can be very grounding for kids. So I'm going to give you seven and a half minutes to vent about everything that you do not like about your day at school or about this vacation. You can tell me everything and I will listen.

24:42Kirk Martin:But after seven and a half minutes is up, no more. Then we either move on or we problem solve how to make it better. We good? See, that gives them an opportunity to vent, but within your boundaries and with a clear endpoint and then i would refuse to listen to any more venting unless something really emotionally important happened right like there's a relationship issue or they're getting bullied you have every right to say hey i like that you get your feelings and frustrations out by talking but not everybody wants to hear about it and you can say this and the world doesn't revolve around you.

25:24Kirk Martin:So if you're going to vent, come do it alone with me. I would at some point ask this, hey, I'm curious, are you really unhappy or this miserable? Or is this just how you process disappointment? See, what I am most passionate about is I want our kids to understand their very nature, how their brains work, because then they just know like, oh, I'm not just a negative jerk who complains. It's like, no, this is the way I process. Then they can begin to learn to process in different ways. And I want you to understand their nature so you can work with their nature instead of fighting it and having so many power struggles all the time.

26:06Kirk Martin:So I encourage you moms and dads. I hope you found this podcast helpful. I encourage you continue working on yourself. Break the generational patterns. It's the final few days of the Black Friday in March sale. So take advantage of that because you'll have insight into your kids. And I'm going to answer one more question, but it's personal. It's about the ads that run. So you can hang up now, move on with your day. Thank you for subscribing to the podcast, for sharing it. So people ask about the ads and how it all works. And I know, look, I'm an avid podcast listener, and I know ads can be irritating and annoying.

26:42Kirk Martin:and I used to feel the same way until they started advertising on the podcast and then I realized, okay, I'm getting all this free content, really good stuff. I can listen to a few ads. So we had recorded well over 300 episodes for years before we had any advertisers at all and it wasn't even kind of on our radar. It was just like, hey, I'm gonna provide this, what I hope is unique content for strong-willed kids. It's very helpful and then the audience grew and so advertisers became interested and began reaching out to us. So I talk to and approve every sponsor we have. And what I can tell you is I like the people that I work with.

27:20Kirk Martin:I write my own ads. We use these products. Actually, both of us use OneSkin. Like I know I'm an older guy, but I'm using that. I really actually like it. It's super easy to use. And I was at the doctor last week and it's my first time seeing it. She said, you have really nice skin. So I sent her to OneSkin for that. And Mrs. Calm loves Happy Mammoth products because she's a real stickler for the ingredients. We won't use anything that has really bad ingredients. Kind of why we like Hungry Root is because those ingredients are just really good. And we do. I drink my AG1 every day. And I don't care what anybody else does.

27:58Kirk Martin:I love my AG1. And you've heard me talk about Cozy Earth. Even if they stopped advertising, I would tell you about Cozy Earth because I love these shirts and my new towels. So look, you don't have to listen to the ads. I make, I do appreciate it, but you don't have to, right? I hate when podcasts are like, oh, please listen. Our podcast is dependent on you listening. It's like, no, it's not. I recorded 300 episodes before I had anybody supporting me. I want you to know I make one and a half cents approximately for every ad that you listen to. So I appreciate you listening. Okay, I hope that made sense.

28:36Kirk Martin:If you ever have questions about stuff and how we do it, we're not a big organization. We're a family. So feel free to reach out to us and I'll pretty much answer any question that you have because we're a family just like you. All right, love you. We'll talk to you next time. Bye-bye. Hey, it's Howie Mandel and I am inviting you to witness history as me and my Howie Do It gaming team take on Gilly the King and Wallow 267's Million Dollars Gaming in an epic Global Gaming League video game showdown. Four rounds, multiple games, one winner, plus a halftime performance by multi-platinum artist Travi McCoy.

29:13Watch all the action and see who wins and advances to the championship match against Nioh right now at GlobalGamingLeague.com. That's GlobalGamingLeague.com. Everybody games.