Home Life Spiraling Out of Control? 7 Ways to Change Daily Battles ASAP #526

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1:32All their clothing is like wearing this comforting hug. Go to CozyEarth.com and use code CALM to get 20 % off. When you pair these CozyEarth PJs with their best-selling bamboo sheets, it's like sleeping on a heavenly cloud. You want a special gift your loved ones and friends will rave about? Give CozyEarth. So go Go to CozyEarth.com, use code CALM to get 20 % off. I will race you to CozyEarth.com right now. And I'll use code CALM as well and get my 20 % off. And please tell them that the CALM guy sent you. CozyEarth.com, code CALM, 20 % off. Man, we used to dread this time of year because it's like six or eight weeks into the new school year.

2:15And we were getting so many emails and calls from school about Casey's behavior. Are you experiencing that now? Does it feel like your home is a little bit out of control, that you're overwhelmed at your wits end as your child spirals a bit? You're not alone. All the pressures and stress of school and extracurriculars, the pace of modern life can be really difficult to manage. So how can we reset and change the negative momentum so that we feel back in control? So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. And you can find us in our big fall sale at CelebrateCalm.com.

2:58And I messed up in that introduction. I think I'm going to keep it because I want to practice imperfection even though it's really bugging me. So let's look at seven different actions we can take to turn this around. Number one, you know what this is going to be. Reset yourself. Before we get into what we can do for your kids, let's reset ourselves. Look, I know it can feel overwhelming now, like it will never change, but it will. So right now, just literally or figuratively, take a deep breath. Realize that what seems really dire or important right now probably isn't. When Casey was young, it seemed like he had his own seat in the principal's office.

3:43We had like our own parking spot for all those mandatory parent-teacher conferences. We felt like failures. We felt absolute despair every day anticipating the next call. I want you to know it's going to be okay. That so much of this simply doesn't matter in the long run. It's just kid stuff they go through. Many of our kids, they're just not awesome in the kid world. So work on controlling your own anxiety about your child's future. Modern parents, I know you love your kids, but you spend so much energy feeling responsible for their happiness and their success and their moods. And I want you to be able to calm your nervous system to get a longer term perspective and slow life down.

4:34Let's also reset the emotional balance in the home. Become more comfortable with your child being upset at you. If you're not, they will hold you hostage and manipulate you. They'll say, I don't like you. You're being a mean mommy, hoping you'll react with a lecture. And they want to draw you into a negotiation or get you upset. No way. See, we need to be able to look at our kids in the eyes and say unequivocally, I love you so much that I am willing to say no and do what's best for you, even though it means you won't like me for a period of time. And that goes for toddlers all through the teen years.

5:17Remember our phrases. Your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not change my behavior. So let's take a few minutes, a couple days. let's kind of reconnect with ourselves and let's reset ourselves first. Number two, reset your schedule and kind of that balance of life. If you have a strong willed child, you must slow your life down purposefully because every single day your kids are going to melt down. They're going to fight each other. They're going to fight you over homework and dinner and bedtime. They're going to have anxiety over new experiences. So just plan for that. every morning and afternoon and evening.

5:59You cannot overschedule your kids and expect them to keep up with that pace. So slow your life down. Say no to people. Say no to too much homework. You have the right to do that. I've been through that in previous episodes. Say no to homework. Say no to parts of homework. Say no to too many extracurricular activities. Let's do some resetting here. We're into the school year. What's not working? Where are we too busy? And what can we cut out that's not really helping us as a family? Say no to being busy just to be busy. Create downtime for your kids and for yourself because discipline takes time and energy.

6:47Personally, I'd rather have more time to teach my child how to deal with his or her emotions without anger and anxiety and frustration and disappointment, or to teach my kids how to handle sibling conflict than just to complete some busy work or homework or running around. I'd encourage you to develop a few very simple, clear house rules. Post them on the refrigerator. Hey, no screen time until homework is completed. Everyone must cook at least one night per week. Whatever you want your rules to be, just be consistent. No wavering. But keep them simple and don't have too many rules. I'd encourage you to create traditions in your home that are always the same.

7:35And this is actually really important if you're divorced, if you have split custody. It's nice for the kids to know. No matter whose house we are at, every Monday night, Mexican food. Tuesday night, technology for a Tuesday. Wednesday night, the kids cook dinner. And it could be pancakes, breakfast for dinner on Wednesday nights, whatever you want it to be. By the way, your kids will keep these traditions with their own kids, so it's kind of cool. But when you do this, everybody knows what to expect. You can look forward to it knowing it's one thing in your crazy schedule that always remains the same.

8:13And likewise, kind of eliminate surprises in your schedule because you and I have kids who don't do well with transitions and changes and plans. So I love having a whiteboard in the kitchen with all the week's activities written down because seeing that schedule can be calming. One tradition in our home was always talking about weekend plans on Thursday night. And every Sunday night at dinner, we'd talk about our plans for the week because that would help eliminate surprises. And I'm not recommending that you do this, although I kind of am. About once a quarter, every couple of months, I would go and I would pull Casey out of school at like 9.30 in the morning for an appointment.

8:58And then I would take him and we would go drive go-karts, skate, play mini golf, get ice cream, and just enjoy the day together. We laughed. We played. We reset ourselves that way. I was letting him enjoy being a kid. It's kind of like we do as adults when we take that mental health day off from work. And he didn't care about having perfect attendance. So it depends on your child. and not everybody has that flexibility but even taking your child out for an extended lunch sometimes some to someplace fun where you can simply relax and enjoy each other can be extremely helpful i will tell you with the passage of time i wish i had done that more it's not like it's going to hurt your kids to do that it's extremely helpful and i would make it a priority cut out some of those other activities, cut out some of the homework, and make it a priority to get outside, to play a lot.

10:01And I would normally say little kids need to do that, but big kids need to play and run around and explore. And if that means not getting homework done some nights, that's fine, because I'd rather you play and laugh as a family. With older kids, occasionally just take them out late on a school night for some kind of snack or dessert. It's just kind of fun. It mixes it up and you'll have really great talks. Okay, number three, reset your priorities and what is really important because once the school year's on, it's like, I mean, it's like you don't get a break from September until like next May or June.

10:42So now we get to focus on what's really important. So here's kind of some guidelines we always had. Look, we wanted to raise a curious child who loves to learn, not just a child who gets good grades. We wanted a responsible child more than a well-behaved child. Some of your kids are just not, they're just going to struggle and they're going to be like 0 for 2 on their kind of kid report card, right? Because your job is to get good grades and be good behavior. And your kids are like, well, I'm kind of 0 for 2. So let me give you a fun example. So we were hiking one day and we kind of encountered this kid and he was about like age or 12 heading back with a big backpack on with camping gear.

11:25And I remember looking at Mrs. Coleman. I said, you know what? I bet that kid could camp out here in bear territory by himself. He'd know how to pitch his tent, secure the food away from bears, be conscientious, manage the details, handle anything going wrong. And I said, I'd hire that kind of kid. But I bet he doesn't clean his bedroom or always do his homework. So about seven or eight minutes later, we run into his dad and younger brother. And dad confirms, hey, he's very responsible. Yeah, he could camp overnight alone. And I said, may I ask you a question? Does your son clean his bedroom? And the dad responded with this definitive no.

12:03And also confirmed that he fights over homework. This is just how our kids are. Not always great at the kid world, but responsible in the adult world. So focus on that because we're not raising our kids to be kids. We're raising our kids to be adults. Number four, connection is critical. Simply put, if you do not have a healthy relationship and connection with your child of any age, no discipline is going to work and your home will continue to spiral. If you have constantly kind of corrected and been negative, if your child feels like the black sheep of the family who's always in trouble, You must first heal the broken relationship and create a more connected, trusting relationship.

12:51Otherwise, you will be met with predictable defiance or a child who is shut down. Looking back, this is what ultimately changed Casey's behavior and our relationship more than any particular strategy or technique. unique in so many situations I felt entirely justified in laying down the law or laying into Casey about his attitude or behavior but I chose humility because it broke down the walls it took away the shame it made him more receptive to my instruction it de-escalated situations so we could all get to a better place inside before talking and problem solving just do not lose that connection with your child.

13:36Do not withdraw like I did. When I was a young dad, I was like, fine, you know what? You guys would be better off without me. Or I would justify it. You know, when that kid stops being so difficult, I'll have a relationship with him. Don't repeat that same pattern that you learn from your own parents. I know these kids can be tough to connect with, but find things to bond over. Take an interest in their music, even if you hate it, in their interest. Ask them to teach use something but stay connected because that will help immensely especially in the teen years and again it is that connection that got Casey and me through the toughest most intense situations here's what one family began doing I love this the dad dad began requiring his older son to go for a 30 minute walk with him before getting on screens and the strong-willed son replied so basically extortion, right?

14:31And dad said, pretty much, let's go. And they began walking and talking, which I love. Now the other kids started asking for that one-on-one time as well. So now they rotate time. And this dad now gets his 30-minute walk in at night and one-on-one time with his kids. You may not have time for that. So do 10 minutes, 15 minutes together. Make time to connect. This This will help you get to the root of the issues and change behavior really quickly. All right, I love the next one. You know your child better than anyone. So when something shifts, like they're suddenly anxious around meals, cutting out foods, losing weight, or their personality just feels different, something more serious may be going on.

15:16When eating disorders show up, they can completely hijack a child's brain. That moodiness, withdrawal, combative behavior isn't them. It's the illness. The good news is the earlier you get support, the easier recovery is. And that's why I want to reintroduce you to Equip. Equip is a fully virtual eating disorder treatment program that brings best-in-class, evidence-based care right to your home. Every family gets an entire team, a therapist, dietician, medical provider, and mentors who've been through this themselves. They're experts in treating all eating disorders, even lesser-known ones like ARFID.

15:52There's no wait list, it's covered by most insurance plans, and you can talk to an expert right away to get answers. So if something in your gut is telling you to look deeper, listen to it. Visit equip.health.com to get a free consultation with Equip. That's equip.health.com. Number five, assume the best about your child's motives. Human nature says we assume the worst about others' motives and the best about our own. See, when my son spills something in the kitchen, it's because he was careless and sloppy. Oh, when I make a mess, it was just a mistake. When my son can't find something, it's because he's unorganized and lazy.

16:34Well, when I can't find my keys, well, it's just I've misplaced them. See, many of your kids, I get it. They're really challenging. I get that. And the school year has brought so much frustration. But I promise they don't wake up every morning thinking, hmm, what are 10 different ways I could lose all my privileges today? It just seems like they do. Look, if you assume the worst, you'll snap, lecture, you'll yell more, you'll drive a sense of failure inside your kids like they can never do anything right. But assume the best. You know, I don't think he wants to be in trouble all the time. And you'll spend more time problem solving and giving your child tools to succeed.

17:12So number six, I want to give kids tools to succeed. I want to create successes. You and I have kids who have been in trouble since they were born. It feels like they're the black sheep of the family. They don't always fit in with peers. They ruin family outings even though they're great one-on-one. They're constantly kind of run red on the behavior chart. They feel very misunderstood and inside you're thinking this is the way I've always been. I was rewarded as a little kid for being curious and exploring. now I get in trouble for it and it seems like everyone is always mad at me. I constantly get my things taken away.

17:50So now I begin to shut down because it doesn't seem like I can ever please my parents or teachers. So my first go-to response when people email about a child with behavior issues is this. Let's focus this next week, the next two weeks on creating successes and putting your kids in a position to do well, to complete missions they're good at. Instead of just barking consequences for bad behavior, let's proactively give tools to create successes at home and in school. Hey, so what are some missions and specific jobs to do that your kids will succeed in? Hey, Tony, I could really use your help doing X.

18:30Allison, you are so good at doing Y. Do you think you could help me with this outside? Give your kids challenges. do treasure hunts, say, hey, bet you can't do that, blindfolded, backwards, upside down. Many of your kids like doing adult jobs, so let them do that around the house. It will make you uncomfortable, but you'll see them being successful for other adults and doing more grown-up activities. They just kind of often stink at the kid world. Look, I know kids who will change the oil in the car, but they won't pick up their socks. They will bend over backwards to help a neighbor, but then they'll fight you tooth and nail over even some small request.

19:11I want to find a lot of things to say yes to within your boundaries. Whenever you say no to something inappropriate, say yes to something appropriate. Give that brain a win first thing in the morning. When your child wants to do something, try to give the brain a win first and then put parameters on it. Well, I want to make coffee this morning. Now, your immediate response is to list the eight reasons you don't have time for that, anticipating the mess the child's going to make and that you will have to clean up. But I want you to pause for a moment and say, you know what? I like that you have initiative and that you like doing grown-up things.

19:48If you go get your shower, get dressed and ready for school within the next 15 minutes, I would love for you to make me a cup of coffee. Many of your kids like to cook. So build on that. say yes, but within your boundaries. Look, you always have the right to threaten to take things away, but I'd rather give them a tool to succeed in the morning. So hide their breakfast in the backyard or basement in the morning. You're doing a treasure hunt. You're having them kind of forage for their food. They will love that. And you just created a success. You can badger your kids to do homework and threaten a consequence, but I'd rather you just say, hey, I want you to come up with a different way to do your homework.

20:33If you want to stand at the kitchen counter, rocking back and forth, chewing a snack, listening to intense music that I don't like, go for it. If you want to do homework with a flashlight under the kitchen table with a blanket over it, because that's a fort, or in the closet, go for it. Listen to that recent episode, 10 ways to improve focus and executive function for more ideas. Oh yeah, and definitely let your older kids do schoolwork at a coffee shop or even a restaurant later at night with you. I'd look for opportunities for your kids to get good sensory pressure and exercise. Climbing, crawling, lifting, pulling, pushing things.

21:12Make a little obstacle course for them to go through. Martial arts, swimming, gymnastics are all really helpful. Plus, our kids tend to thrive in individual activities versus team sports. For younger kids, I like playing rewind and replay when they mess up. So they walk into a room, they grab something from their sibling, and rather than going through timeouts, consequences, and lectures, play rewind and replay. They have to walk backwards out of the room and then come back in and do it differently. And you can actually model that kind of in your own life. So when you walk into the living room and yell or get upset, oops, looks like mom, dad needs to do rewind and replay.

21:52It's a fun tool to turn something negative into a success. So the next time you want to give a consequence, think, huh, what tool to succeed could I give my child instead? Do this for the next two weeks instead of reacting and giving more consequences. And then number seven, affirm relentlessly with specifics. Affirm what they're already doing well without adding, but if you would just apply yourself. This is more important than you may realize with strong-willed kids. They tend to shut down with any negativity. So notice what they're doing well. And I promise they will begin to work harder for you because they do want to please you and they do crave positive recognition.

22:40they just often feel like nothing they can do is good enough for us. So catch your kids making good choices. Give fist bumps. Hey, when your sister just said that to you and you walked away, shows me you're growing up. Hey, I noticed you lost the board game earlier. I heard you start to complain, but then you caught yourself and said good game to your brother. A lot of adults can't even do that. Proud of you. Notice my praises even in matter of fact, it's businesslike. I preferred no emotion, short and sweet, and then move on. You're planting lots of little seeds because your kids often don't receive praise very well.

23:16Hey, I saw how hard you worked on that project. Look, when you care about things, man, you're such a hard worker, so conscientious. Hey, the Hendersons down the street stopped me to tell me that you stopped by to check on them the other day and help Mr. Henderson by taking out his trash. It's such a great quality you have. Then change the subject. Hey, I'm proud of the choices you made with your friends the other night. That tells me I can trust you with more freedom. Notice those things. So here's a really cool example I wanted to share with you of how to do this. A mom emailed, and this was kind of what set off this podcast.

23:52I was at my wit's end with my strong-willed son. Everything had become negative. Constant threats and taking away things. Emails from school. Constant talks with him and my son saying, I'll do better, mom. Don't be angry. And it broke my heart. One day after school, I was so upset. I just turned on your podcast in the car. And I noticed my son looked up from his phone and began listening. He said, this guy seems like he gets it. And I asked why. And my son said, well, because I don't wake up every morning wanting to be in trouble. I just don't always know what to do differently when I get anxious and overwhelmed.

24:34And the mom said, again, my heart just crumbled. So then my son said, why don't we get his programs and listen to them together? Then we both can change. And the mom said, I began crying and I pulled the car over. And she said, we've been listening to your programs in the car and sometimes at home. Then she said, they're way more helpful than your podcast. I hope you're not offended. I'm like, I'm not offended. My podcast is very short. I can go into much more detail in the programs. So my son said, mom, here are two things I'm going to change. I'm going to figure out a way to do my chores and homework on my own.

25:12And as long as I do, you can't lecture me. Let me handle it and figure it out. And so mom said, she asked him, well, well, what can I work on? And her son said, mom, didn't you listen to Kirk? He said, my job is to control myself, not you. That's up to you. And mom was floored. And I love that. And the mom said she's been controlling her own anxiety, prioritizing what's really important and saying no to a lot of stuff, giving her son more space and affirming what he's doing well. I think that's perfect. So choose maybe three of these seven steps we mentioned today and begin working on those this week.

25:57Let your kids listen to the podcast and the programs. They will surprise you when you treat them more like adults and give them some say over life. If you need help getting the programs, we've got a big fall sale going on at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help financially, reach out to Casey. It's C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. moms and dads I am so proud of you this is hard hard work and you are doing it so if we can help you out with this let us know but I have so much respect for you let's reset this week and set us up maybe we reset so we can get through Thanksgiving and then we'll reset again as we head into the new year alright love you all talk to you soon bye bye