“How Can I Stop Snapping At My Kids When They Pick At Food & Siblings, Refuse Schoolwork, Act & Entitled?” #542

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0:41But Cozy Earth is giving my listeners an exclusive offer. Buy one, get one free bamboo PJs. Go to CozyEarth.com. Use code CALMBogo to take advantage of this through February 8th. That's CozyEarth.com, code CALM, B-O-G-O, to get these PJs for you and someone you love. So does your child need help with a particular subject in school? I encourage you to check out IXL.com slash Kirk. Do you have a child who is bored and wants to work ahead? IXL gives you that flexibility. IXL is an online learning program that can be used by any student from K to 12. What I personally like about IXL is that your child can explore any topic in any grade level.

1:28And no matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way they learn best while meeting them at their level. So whether your child needs extra help with a class or wants to work ahead, IXL provides the positive feedback our kids crave. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So do you have a child who is very picky about food and creates stress at mealtime?

2:13Probably. Do you have a child who will pick on siblings and then deny doing it. How about a bright child? They get their math problems correct, but then they dig in and refuse to show their work. That's frustrating. How do you not take it personally and take out your frustration on your kids? What if your kids feel entitled? How do you reset expectations knowing your kids will not be happy about it? And what expectations should you set if you're going to get your child a smartphone for Christmas? Yes, we're going to discuss all of those things on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome.

2:48This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us and our big Christmas sale at CelebrateCalm.com. So I want you to provide some concise, concrete, creative answers to really tough questions. And even if you don't struggle with one of these situations, especially right now, because you probably will be, take the principles and apply them to different situations. So number one, we have a picky eater who is creating so much stress at mealtime. But most of the kids we work with struggle with this. So you're not alone. They struggle with anxiety. Anxiety kind of lives in the stomach.

3:20It makes their stomach upset. And so that's why they will often crave simple carbs and comfort foods. A lot of our kids have sensory issues. So texture and smell of foods will affect them. That's a real thing. My number one piece of advice is this. Don't stress over it. I could reframe this and say, we are the ones who are creating so much stress at mealtime. If you push and you talk about it all the time, you will create tension at the dinner table. And you'll create so much stress over food that it will make it worse. Your kids will dig in and resist even more. It can even lead to eating disorders.

4:02Look, model healthy eating for your kids. Think about this. I really want you to focus on this. Focus more on what you eat than what they eat. Drop that rigid old mantra like making them finish everything on their plate and forcing them to try new foods. Look, come to my house and try to force me to eat something I don't like. It's not going to end well. Stop with that. Relax. Model it. They will eventually follow your example. Probably years from now. Not on your timeline. And I promise you, if you push and force it, they'll just keep digging in. You know this with strong-willed kids. We talk about it all the time.

4:44You have to release them to do the right thing. But as long as you're hammering them all the time, it won't happen. So in the meantime, reduce the friction. Make it easier for your kids to get some good calories with protein bars kind of laying around in different spots. Do what works for you. resist feeling judged or guilty like you're not a good parent because your child doesn't eat a balanced diet. Casey ate horribly as a younger child. He just got progressively better into the teen years and now he is incredibly healthy. You can look into gut issues with maybe a certain kind of a doctor or a practitioner that specializes in gut issues.

5:27So just think about those kids who have this stuff like a functional medicine doctor, that's what I was searching for, may help with that. Put this in your child's court and reframe this. I know this is semantics, but I've grown to hate saying, oh, our kids are picky. You know why? Because I'm picky. What does that mean? It means I have preferences about what I put in my body. We all have various preferences in life. There's nothing wrong with that. I just don't expect everyone around me to cater to my whims and I don't want you to either. So try this. Set very clear expectations about your boundaries.

6:09Hey, I'm not going to keep a lot of drinks and food with sugar in our home. You don't have to convince your kids that this is right or that they should like it. It won't work anyway. Don't show them the food pyramid because it's all wrong anyway. But then you can have this discussion. Look, I love that you know what you like and don't like. I love your independence. So why don't you learn how to make your own meals? I can show you. Or they're not going to listen to you anyway. Or, so this is better, you can look up YouTube videos or actually take a cooking class. You can be very independent. Prepare your meals and be responsible for them.

6:51See, I love that. What would be wrong with this? What if your child made a couple big batches of the same food each week or a couple different foods each week and then they just heat them up at dinner time every night? Can you live with that? Look, we're grown adults who eat very healthy, but in the winter, we often do the same thing, right? When Mrs. Colm goes to visit family, I make a big pot of chili and a whole tray of meatballs, and then I eat leftovers every night. I love the consistency. Why can't your kids do that? It gives them ownership and responsibility and teaches them a life skill.

7:30Now, I understand many of you are battling cultural norms and how you grow up. Well, we have family dinner together every night, and you eat what's set before you. Look, I get that. There's nothing wrong with that, But in many families, it's not that awesome a time because dinner time is stressful. Like when before I learned how to control myself, it was always Casey, sit up straight. Casey, you need to eat your food. Stop playing with your food. And now it became this time of just great tension all the time. And guess what? It wasn't that awesome. So do what works for your family with the more challenging child.

8:04Otherwise, you or probably your spouse are just making. you are being the challenging one. So now if you do it the other way, you get to affirm your child and say, hey, you know what? It's pretty cool that you're only whatever age they are and you're responsible for your own meals. By the way, quick one with food. Here's a little birthday cake example that I thought of. So your daughter goes to a birthday party and she has birthday cake and she has too much. She comes home, her stomach is a little bit upset. She doesn't feel well. Good. That's a learning opportunity. Next time she goes to a birthday party, hey, honey, remember you didn't feel so well last time.

8:39Do you want to take an alternative snack? Maybe have half a slice of cake. And she'll be like, no, no, no. And she'll come home the second time and her stomach won't feel well. Well, guess what? Eventually she will say, you know what? It doesn't feel good when I put too much sugar or unhealthy food in my body. So next time I'm going to take something healthy. and once your kids own it themselves, they will own it for life. I prefer that. Okay, number two, Kirk, how can we handle an older child picking on a younger sibling? Look, there's so many different ways to approach this. One of the 17 programs you get with the Christmas sale is solely focused on sibling issues because sibling issues really usually have nothing to do with sibling issues.

9:25They have to do with a child not feeling confident, so that child picks on the other one, or your kids have a very great need for brain stimulation and so they irritate their sibling and get a response. So let me give you kind of a different way to handle this. I like it in a more subtle way sometimes. So let's say you're doing something with your daughter that doesn't require eye contact and you casually say, Hey honey, I've noticed lately you've been getting ready in the morning by yourself. Really appreciate that. It shows me you're growing up. Because you always start with a positive and then you pivot.

10:00Hey, I've also noticed you're picking on Jordan more lately. And I want you to think about this. People who pick on other people tend to do that because they don't always feel great about themselves or feel like something's out of their control, so they control other people. But it ultimately makes them look weak. And you're not a weak person. So let me know if you need some help with that. Well, then you pivot and move on. Maybe you kiss her head and you give her some space to process that and leave the room. with strong-willed kids. I like planting seeds, throwing out a couple suggestions. Perhaps she can begin doing some adult job around the house that she feels in control of that makes her feel competent and confident.

10:42And then you offer to help and you give the child time to process and work on it herself and see how she responds. Look, if your daughter, if you need to be more direct. You can. Just do it in a firm business-like manner without long lectures and that moralizing tone about how important it is to be kind to each other. Your kids already know that. You can identify this pattern in your own life. Hey honey, I've noticed that I tend to be more controlling with you and your sister when work feels overwhelming. So I've begun organizing things instead of controlling you because that gives me kind of a sense of accomplishment and control.

11:22See, now you're giving insight into human nature, and you're giving her an alternative. You're normalizing it. So apply this to most of your correction with your kids. And by the way, I did a really great podcast back in the spring, 11 Ways to Correct Your Child so They Actually Listen. Go look that one up. Number three, we're considering getting our child a smartphone and iPhone for Christmas. What should we plan for? So here are three ideas. One, create crystal clear expectations from the start and rigidly enforce them. I am flexible with food and a lot of things, but screen usage can get out of hand very quickly.

11:59Hey, no screens in the bedroom, no social media before age 16. Your phone is turned into the parents every night at 9 p.m. or whatever time you choose. What are the repercussions if their attitude changes and their grades begin to drop? Be very clear and consistent because we have kids who will argue. and if you give them an inch, they will take 500 miles. Number two, use this as an opportunity to connect with your kids. This is really important. I don't want you to hand your kids these devices and then have them disappear to their bedrooms and into their own world. So be curious about things they are interested in without being negative.

12:40I always tried to bond with Casey about things he was interested in, even if I found them to be kind of like mind-knowingly stupid. Be curious. Number three, protect your kids. Your kids are naive. They're not aware that there are 6 billion strangers on the other end of that device. You know I'm not an alarmist, but I'm genuinely concerned about what your kids are exposed to without you knowing. Chat GBT has 1 million conversations each week about suicide. for 10 to 14 year olds. Suicide is the second leading cause of death. These companies are not going to protect your kids. You and I need to see what's happening with our kids online.

13:23Back in the day, I had to ask Casey, hand me your phone. Now there are really cool apps you can use. My favorite is an app called Bright Canary because I've got all kinds of friends and my brother uses it with my nephew. It takes like two minutes to install on your child's phone. It will give you peace of mind. One of the reasons I like Bright Canary is because it is the only app that will send you alerts about everything that your child types on any app they use on their iPhone. And that includes Snapchat, Instagram, Roblox, Discord, ChatGBT, all the AI chats and companions. So if your child sends or receives messages anywhere that mention drugs, depression, suicide, porn, the app flags this and sends you an alert in real time so you can address issues before it's too late.

14:17You've probably heard the heartbreaking stories about AI encouraging good kids to commit suicide. With an app like Break Canary, you will get an instant alert that your child has typed concerning words on his or her iPhone so you're not caught off guard. It can be life-changing and life-saving. Now, many parents will say, oh, I don't want to spy on my kids. And my response is, big tech is spying on literally everything your kids say and do online. You, see, I want to be the one who knows more about my child than anyone else. Doing this is simply a loving, protective thing to do for your child.

14:57Here's another thing. The Bright Canary app also allows you to see all incoming and outcoming text messages, images, and videos, even deleted texts. And the app will flag that content. My brother loves Bright Canary because he doesn't have to spend hours going through my nephew's phone because he gets AI summaries at the end of the day. Look, you and I have impulsive kids who crave that dopamine hit, so they're a little more vulnerable. Before you hand over an iPhone to them, make sure you install an app like Bright Canary. That way you have peace of mind even when you're sleeping. So you can go to the App Store, download Bright Canary.

15:34You can start a free trial today. Highly recommended. Now, what about that child who won't show their work in math class? This is fascinating. Or what about when you've allowed your kids to kind of be a little bit entitled? Or what if you get rushed and snap at them? Okay, number four. This one is fascinating to me. What about those kids who won't show their work in math class? I used to think, oh, they're just being lazy and obstinate. But that's not the only thing or the real thing going on here. So see if this makes sense. Many of you have kids who see patterns in things. And that is a superpower in life.

16:10It's partly why they're so good at chess and checkers and building things and arguing with you. So they look at the math problem and they see the pattern and how it fits together, just like they do when they're building with things. In a way, they literally see the answer. So how can this child show his or her work? See, they didn't use the normal process. They just saw a pattern and they got it. Now they're being asked to show a process they did not use. And that is frustrating for three reasons. One, you're trying to impose some other kind of process on me that I don't need or use. You're asking me to do it in some arbitrary way when I got the answer right.

17:00And so why should I waste time showing you? Duh, I already showed you by getting the answer right. That's what you're going to hear. And the other thing is, well now the child feels misunderstood. Now I'm being called lazy or defiant and you don't even understand how my brain works. See that's really important and critical to your child. It's an arbitrary request and you have kids who get really angry about those things. I do as well. So look you can let your child argue with their teacher about this. I don't blame the teacher for requiring that they show their work because the teacher wants to know, hey, are you understanding in the process?

17:45Because you'll need to know that to do more advanced work. I totally get that. I also don't blame your child for refusing to do it. And the teacher may say, look, if you don't show your work, you only get partial credit. And your strong-willed child will likely say, I don't care. Let your child own that or just fight over it for the next 10 years. But the most important part of this is to gain a better understanding of how your child's brain works. Don't miss that. One quick aside. A lot of you are going to say, well, why won't my child show their work? Because in order to do more advanced problems, they're going to have to need to know that.

18:27And my answer is, yes, they will, but they don't need to do it now. That is your own anxiety, which I get. It's perfectly logical of you to say, well, of course, why would you not learn it now? You're going to need it later. But you didn't learn everything you needed in life when you were 9 or 12 or 17 or 28. You learn it when you need to learn it. Relax with that and really try to understand your kids. It's usually something a little bit deeper or that you don't understand about them. Number five, great question. We've allowed our kids to get away with stuff and it kind of builds and builds and it irritates us, right?

19:07Like demanding takeout from multiple restaurants or demanding that we do fun stuff on days when we've said, hey, we have errands to do. We want to pull back on that. But when we do say no, we know they're going to lose it. Okay, this one's easy to me. It's going to be difficult to do, but it's pretty simple. Number one, apologize. Apologize for creating these false expectations in the first place. There's no blame or no guilt, but you created this. So you need to apologize because you created this expectation that they could demand whatever they want, and then you would just do what they demanded.

19:44So short and simple, hey, we apologize for creating this expectation. We're sorry we led you to believe this is how life works. Number two, reset expectations. Be crystal clear with examples. From now on, we are not running to separate restaurants for you to get takeout. We are not doing DoorDash. I would choose three specific areas in which things have gotten out of control and mention the new expectations. Number three, expect pushback, whining, demanding, and complaining. You are simply going to have to go through some short-term you-know-what to break this old pattern. So when, not if, they lose their minds and wail and cry and threaten you because you won't give them what they want, stay even and matter of fact, no lectures, no snotty tone, no talking about the need for gratitude.

20:38Stay firm, endure, just endure this withdrawal. all. It will be awful for a while until you have reset expectations, but it is worth it. And number four, begin to give your kids opportunities to be more responsible for themselves. Create successes. Then you can notice and affirm your kids when they do begin taking on more responsibility. Number six, I love this one. I get so intense and tense and rushed, and then I get short with my kids, which then escalates. What can I do differently? So one of the challenges I give you if you go through our 30 days to calm program which is the first one you should do if you get our programs is when you're in a rush practice doing the opposite.

21:21This helped me immensely when I was learning to go from being this kind of like type A intense reactive guy to still intense I am but calm guy. When I was in a rush I created so much tension within myself within the car with my family. In essence, I was trying to control the behavior of strangers wherever I went. So I would purposefully practice this. And now it's a habit I love. And I'll tell you very quickly what caused this. I remember we used to ship out our programs on, they were physical CDs. So I had to go to the post office like every day. And you know how I was with the post office. You don't know if there's going to be a long line and I like getting things done.

22:02So I remember, you know, it's always like anxiety. Am I going to get a parking spot? What if there's a long line? Is this going to ruin my day? And I got there once and there's like this little old lady pulling in. And I remember thinking, I need to beat her to that door. And I was like, what a jerk my anxiety causes me to become. And so what I started doing was the opposite. So when I'm in a hurry, instead of selfishly riding the bumper of the car in front of me and not letting anyone in, I would allow one person, not two, that's too many. one kidding but one person to cut in front of me back in the day when what that day that day at the post office you know what I did I got up there and I was like why am I such a jerk and I opened the door for the old lady let her in she had a smile on her face we had a lovely conversation so for the last I don't know 15 years when I go to the post office it's a tradition I let one person cut in front of me.

22:58It makes the time go more quickly and it makes someone else's day. So here we used to do that. You know what? When we're anxious about finances, we pay for someone else's groceries. Why? Because it counters the anxiety of it. So watch how cool this is. A mom emailed. She said, hey, yesterday we were in a hurry to a doctor's appointment and I purposefully slowed down to let another car in front of me and my oldest son noticed and I told him it's about taking back power of my life and putting others first. Later that night he gave up his time on video games for his younger brother who hadn't been feeling well.

23:39So I thanked him for being gracious and he responded well I like having that power and he walked away and mom was like that is so cool. And in Casey's programs, if you get the package, one of them is straight talk for kids. And it's Casey talking directly to your kids about like, no, you get power back by controlling yourself, not other people. It is so cool. So moms and dads, let's take these principles and apply them to different situations. Sometimes you need to be tough. Sometimes you need to give some flexibility, like with food. But notice the common pattern in each situation. You are primarily modeling the traits you want your kids to emulate, and you are giving your kids ownership of their choices.

24:28Definitely let your kids listen to the programs over the holidays and then ask them this. What are three ways you want to begin handling your meals or your schoolwork or time yourself? How do you want to do that in the new year? You could also say, hey, what are two things mom and I or dad and I can begin doing differently? Do that. You will be amazed at what they come up with when you give them some ownership. So if you need help with anything financially with a Christmas sale, just reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, CelebrateCalm.com. Much respect and love to all of you for working so hard to change.

25:06I appreciate it. And your kids will for generations. Okay. Keep being awesome people. Love you all. Bye-bye.