How I Changed from Triggered Dad to Calm Guy: 10 Practical, Doable Ideas #604

0:00You already know what I want for Father's Day. Cozy Earth. I sleep under my cozy earth bamboo sheets. I live in my bamboo shorts and polo and polo. But my latest obsession is the Cozy Earth Everywhere Pant. Now you can wear these insanely soft and breathable Cozy Earth Everywhere Pants to the office, to the kids' games, to just lounge around in. Just look at the reviews at CozyEarth.com. Men rarely rave about clothes, but they rave about these Everywhere Pants and request several pairs. They're stylish. They've got a light stretch, barely any wrinkles. Cozy Earth is the can't-miss gift for dads, stepdads, and grandpas who show up every day, everywhere.

0:44Cozy Earth's bamboo sheets, everywhere pant, and everyday polo are designed to keep him cool, comfortable, and relaxed all summer. Go to CozyEarth.com. Use my code CALM for an exclusive 20 % off. That's code CALM at CozyEarth.com for 20 % off, and let Cozy Earth know we sent you. So I have an idea to keep your kids' brains active and learning while still enjoying the relaxed summer vibe. Use iExcel's award-winning learning platform to build your child's confidence this summer. So choose one topic your kids are curious about and one in which they struggle. And over the summer, you can let your kids play the interactive games iExcel uses to learn new facts and concepts without the pressure of the normal school year.

1:30So whether your child is reviewing third grade math or jumping into sixth grade reading, IXL meets them where they are and lets them move at their own pace. Plus IXL instantly grades their work and explains mistakes so you don't have to because our kids don't like being corrected by us. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. So visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. Ever notice how life's best stories don't happen in your living room?

2:09They happen on the open road, out on the water, or parked under the stars. At Progressive, they get that you want to focus on the experience, not worry about the what-ifs. That's why they offer quality insurance designed for your ride, whether that's a boat, RV, or motorcycle. Adventure with confidence. Visit Progressive.com and see how easy it is to protect your favorite way to get away. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Not available in D.C. Prices vary based on how you buy. So before I was the calm guy, I was the triggered guy. I was the triggered reactive dad whose default mode was, well, my strong-willed son is doing things on purpose to irritate me.

2:48I need to correct him for that. Well, how many of you can relate to that? So on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I want to show you the process I used, what I did to go from being always overreactive and getting upset to learning how to control myself, stop being triggered, start connecting with your kids, even when, when, not if, they do irritating things. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, also host of the PDA Parent Podcast. If you haven't listened to that, check that out. It's at CelebrateCalm.com. So it's Father's Day. And I did want to send my utmost respect to all the dads who are working hard to break these generational patterns.

3:32Most of you are like me. Your father didn't show you how to control your emotions or connect with your wife and kids. So you're kind of learning on the job with no training. And I want you to know it's worth the hard work. Probably the hardest work you will ever do in your life. It's definitely the most humbling. and I'm proud of you for doing for your own kids what your dad may not have done for you. So well done dads and well done moms. And as a special thank you, if you listened to the last podcast, that 12 year old Alex challenged me to come up with a coupon code for his cheapskate dad. We're not cheapskates, we're frugal, we're wise with our money, we're showing self-control.

4:14Come on dads, I'm in solidarity with you. So if you use the code DAD, you get an additional 25 % off the summer sales price of our Calm Parenting Bundle, CelebrateCalm.com. It will change your family. And this we're doing just for podcast listeners. I'm not putting that on Instagram or anywhere else. So your kids and life are going to trigger you. But your kids can only trigger you because you have so many buttons to push, even ones you didn't know you had. Don't blame your kids. don't take it personally don't make your kids walk on eggshells to manage your emotions for you and definitely don't make your spouse do that so just embrace this look your strong-willed kids are with you 24 7 and they will freely they do this for free and they do it unrelentingly they will expose all of your immaturity and weaknesses look that's what life is about it's about growing I'm an older guy.

5:13I can look back so many of my accomplishments in the business world, with sports, with whatever it is. They're really meaningless in comparison with, man, our strong-willed son just caused me to grow up. I'm a different person than I was before. I'm now a more reliable person. I can handle people who are emotionally upset or not feeling well without having to change them or control them. It is so liberating. So you actually get to enjoy life instead of life kind of controlling you because that's how I lived before. So you get to be free from things that have irritated you for decades. aids. So let's cover a few key principles first, and then we'll go into a detailed action plan for responding to triggers.

6:05And I hope you find this very practical. I want to do things that are very doable, right? Because I used to read all those books and I was like, I can't do that. I am not a monk. I'm not able to meditate for six hours or six minutes or six seconds. Like, how am I going to do this? I'm an intense guy living in the real world. I need stuff that I can do in my busy daily life. So I hope that's what you find as we go through this in our program. So number one, just make it a rule in your home that you never react to a child. You never enter in the courtroom to argue with a kid. Now, sometimes we react because we don't know what else to do.

6:51And I know with a lot of my guy friends, there's a feeling of helplessness of like, what am I supposed to do? Nobody taught me how to handle this. And if I don't do something, well, we're just letting kids get away with something. But when you react, think about it this way. You are giving power over your emotions to that person, to that child. And when you react to a 4 or 14-year-old, guess who's in control? They are. The kid who is driving you crazy can only drive you crazy if you allow that. They're in the driver's seat. That's your issue, not theirs. So I want you to allow an indignant tone to rise up inside of you.

7:35Be bold, speak forcefully and say, look, I refuse to give that power over my day. At some point, we have to make the conscious choice to stop fighting and arguing, reacting to, lecturing, negotiating, trying to prove our point with our kids. You know what got me? It just doesn't work. Look, I'm a practical, pragmatic guy. I like to do stuff in life that actually works. And when I looked at it honestly, I realized all the stuff I was doing as a parent, it just wasn't working. It didn't lead to anything positive. And it was actually hurting my relationship with my son who I love and it was actually hurting our marriage and if we don't stop reacting your kids are just going to own you so number two apologize and reset quickly look you're going to mess up you're going to react yell you're going to say hurtful things sometimes now over time that's going to lessen and dissipate but right now own up to it quickly instead of participating in that ugly and counterproductive cycle of blame and shame and guilt or denial and blaming your kids or spouse, just apologize.

8:48Look, an apology is nothing more than a statement of fact. Hey, I just reacted to you needlessly. I apologize for that. Hey, I got upset and yelled and I shouldn't have. I'm sorry. Simple statement of fact. There's no groveling. There's no drama. You're not going on and on. When I used to apologize to Casey, we would travel a lot to events. I'd say, you know, Casey, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken that out on you. You know what? He was often quick to actually make excuses for me. He'd be like, I understand, Dad. I know you're tired. But the apology kept that tension from seeping into the rest of our drive, checking in, carrying up luggage to our rooms.

9:29It's just simple honesty. People around you know you messed up. And if your pride keeps you from simply acknowledging the obvious, your wife and kids will lose respect for you. And I'm speaking to moms too, right? If you do the same thing, then your husband will lose respect for you. But it's so humbling in the moment to admit that as a grown man or woman, you just misreacted or yelled at a child, often over something so insignificant. We all do that. It's normal. So just own up to it. And most of us as parents want our kids to be responsible for their own choices and attitude. And apologizing is just us modeling that same humility and honesty for our kids.

10:18Number three, wait. I know this doesn't seem groundbreaking, but I want to give you permission to not react because you don't owe your kids an immediate response. Well, so, right? Like, I have the right to wait, to check in, to see what's going on inside of me before I respond or react to you. Now, this is a tough one because many of us were raised like, oh, you're supposed to discipline your child promptly or right away. No, you don't have to. It's often better to make it a rule in life that I don't make decisions or respond to most situations for several hours or after I get a good night's sleep.

10:59So know yourself. Some of you have had a traumatic childhood or background, so you go instantly into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Well, I want to give you permission. Well, I want you to give yourself permission to not react, to wait. Get in the habit of saying, because I love you and value our relationship, I'm going to wait so that I can be my best for you and for myself. So practice that sometime in the next couple days. Catch yourself reacting and then stop. Pivot and be assertive like that. Little side note, I hope you take this in the spirit it's given. Did any of you have a parent or grandparent who would make you wait before letting you know how much you were going to be in trouble as a kid.

11:42It was torture waiting. I remember thinking, please just tell me what the outcome is so I know. Waiting can be very effective. Number four, I've done this a lot. Sit and use an even business-like tone. I know it sounds simplistic, but I like simple things that work. Merely sitting down and doing nothing else can actually help a lot. You can sit just about anywhere. It changes your body posture changes your tone of voice. It makes it harder to gesticulate with your arms. It makes it harder to yell. Look, if you can scream at your kids while sitting down, then you need therapy. So for the next week, practice this.

12:18Every time I want to yell or lecture, instead, I'm going to sit down and use an even matter-of-fact tone because that's very grounding and settling. Look, I'm not going to fight with you. I'm going to pop some popcorn and sit on the porch. If you want to come talk to me calmly, all ears, and I'll try to help you. Then you walk away. You tell Casey, look, I don't fight people. I don't fight people that I love. I'm not interested in who is right, who's wrong. What I want to do is help you solve the problem. So if you're up for that, I'm psyched to help and talk. But if you just want to argue, this is not going to happen.

12:51Hey, Casey, I know what you really want right now. I've been distracted by work and you want my intense emotional engagement, but I'm not going to give you that by arguing, but I will go play guitar with you. I'll build in the garage if you want. I'll go play in the backyard. Number five, do the opposite. When I was first learning how to change and be calm, this idea hit me in the forehead. I actually remember where I was, and this was decades ago. I was in the living room in this home where we lived in Greensboro, North Carolina. And it just hit me. What I was doing was not working. Yelling, lecturing, micromanaging, pressuring, trying to convince Casey to do what I said was actually getting me the exact opposite result that I wanted.

13:40He wasn't rejecting my authority. He was rejecting my anxiety because my anxiety was screaming at him, do it this way or else. I need you to do it my way. In essence, I was saying, I need you to behave so that I can behave because if you don't do things exactly like I tell you, I'm going to lose it and you don't want to see me angry. See, it was pressure and our kids will always resist that pressure and all those expectations, even more so if you have a child with PDA, pathological demand avoidance. So listen to the PDA Parent Podcast for more on that. So I had this thought. For the next week, why don't I do the opposite of what I'm doing now and see if I get the opposite result?

14:24So I kind of diagrammed and rehearsed in my head two of the most common situations in which I got triggered and reacted. One was procrastination and being late. I was son of a career military father. So this was unacceptable soldier. So whenever Casey would say, hey, just a few more minutes, or if he was slow getting ready in the morning, I would instantly react. And it wasn't even like we were always late. It was just the anxiety around even possibly being late, or if I'm being honest, not being extra early, because that was my own anxiety. And I could remember when we'd even do something fun, like go to a concert.

15:06I felt like we had to get there three hours early to park, to find our seats, and it was just tense. And we were never late. And then there were my own control issues. I'm a highly organized guy, right? I get up early in the morning, I get ready on time. And for years, Casey and I traveled together speaking at countless live events. So I get up early, of course. So I go to the hotel gym, eat and shower. And I get up to the room and he'd be sitting in bed with his hoodie sweatshirt on, not ready with like 12 minutes till we had left, till we had to leave. And it would provoke me. Why wasn't he ready?

15:40Why wasn't he responsible and organized like me? Why are you causing me so much anxiety? And the truth was, he was never late to an event. I often was. And maybe I was projecting that onto him. But until I really wrestled with this, it just created unnecessary power struggles and tension and hurtful words and distance. I created and chose all those things. So I began doing the opposite. it. I would almost literally bite my tongue and focus relentlessly on getting ready myself. And then I'd walk in the room and say, hey, how's Ryan? How's your girlfriend? What are you reading about? And I'd be curious to hear about your thoughts on X on the way to the event or your hockey game.

16:23At home, I would walk into the room, sit and ask questions instead of lecturing. It was kind of magical what happened. We were connecting instead of me demanding, and it drew him to me and more quickly. And then I want you to do something that will sound kind of odd. We learned our first summer here that just drinking water when it's hot isn't enough to keep you from being dehydrated. Without electrolytes, your body won't actually absorb it. That's why we keep Cure hydrating electrolyte packs literally everywhere. This is serious hydration. Cure is clinically proven to hydrate as effectively as an IV drip.

17:03Cure is also clean. Natural hydration with no added sugars, no artificial ingredients like expensive sports drinks. And you don't have to compromise on anything because Cure tastes great. Most people don't realize how much dehydration affects your energy and focus. Plus, I used to get headaches. You will love how you feel when you drink Cure. You'll get that added energy boost without the crash. Cure is such an easy habit your entire family will love. Kids love these flavors. So go to curehydration.com and use promo code CALM for 20 % off your first order. That's curehydration.com, code CALM, for 20 % off your first order.

17:44So we talk all the time about providing emotional security for your kids, and just as foundational as making sure your family is physically safe. That's why we rely on our Cove Home Security System. It's simple, affordable, gives us peace of mind. Keeping family safe used to mean expensive installation and complicated long-term contracts. Not anymore. I installed our Cove system myself in 30 minutes. Cove has easy peel-and-stick sensors, no drilling, no wires, but you get professional monitoring with rapid response starting at less than a dollar a day. Whether you're on vacation or your kids are home alone, Cove has live video and audio streaming straight to your phone so you can see what's happening in real time.

18:25Start the summer off right. Order your Cove system today at covesmart.com slash CPP. Head to covesmart.com slash CPP or just use code CPP at checkout for up to 70 % off your first order. And please let them know you heard about Cove from this podcast. Want to reduce stress and de-escalate with the kids? Just go outside. Seriously, the fresh air changes moods and leads to better talks. We've been spending so much more time outside since getting that rocking bench for our porch from Wayfair.com. So transform your outdoor space and transform your time together. Go to Wayfair.com and in one convenient place you'll find everything you need to upgrade your outdoor spaces within your budget and with fast free shipping.

19:15I promise you'll have the best talks when you're outside grilling and eating and playing games together. Plus, Wayfair can provide seamless assembly and installation for larger outdoor furniture. If you haven't tried Wayfair before, patio season is the time to take advantage of special deals now. Head to wayfair.com slash m slash outdoor right now to get your outdoor space ready for way less. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Number six, stop being the parent and act like someone else. I know this sounds funny, but you acting like a parent doesn't always work so well.

19:59So try this for a week. Approach situations with your kids like you approach situations and problems at work. Talk to your kids like you talk to colleagues at the office. Because you don't walk around the office constantly lecturing. Why won't anyone around here turn their reports in on time? How many times do I have to tell you to follow the right process here? What were you thinking when you made that recommendation? I mean, if you do, you're a jerk and people won't want to work with you. But if a colleague or subordinate messes up, you likely pull them aside and say, hey, that last project wasn't up to your usual standards.

20:34Why don't we go for a walk? Hey, why don't you grab a yellow pad and come to my office and let's see how we can improve your recommendation. You problem solve. You mentor. You teach. Well, do that at home, right? So that's what changed for me. I began talking to Casey and say, hey, look, you know it's not right to yell at your mom. You know it's not right to hate your sister. Hey, why don't you come play catch? Let's go ride bikes. Let's go for a drive. I'll help you handle that differently next time. See, now you're teaching and discipline literally means to teach. Or maybe you act like your favorite quarterback, right?

21:10A good quarterback assesses the situation. He sees the blitz coming. He adjusts his approach. Then he problem solves and leads his team. The ER doctor doesn't react and start yelling at the person brought in in the middle of the night bleeding on their emergency room floor. No, they take the vitals. They assess the situation. They stabilize it. And then they develop an action plan. So do what you're good at doing at work. Do that at home with your kids. Number seven, take back control of the situation. We get freaked out when things are out of our control or we're rushed and anxious I found the following to be extremely helpful changing my attitude from Well, i'm stressed and in a hurry to taking back control So in traffic I purposefully will allow someone to cut in front of me if i'm in a hurry Now just one person not two that's too many But it gives me back control Otherwise my anxiety is actually controlling me and I get testy and I snap at people At the post office, I allow one or two people to cut in front of me.

22:11It makes their day. I give someone else the closer parking spot. When things feel tight with money, we'll actually give a little bit more to charity because it helps us see, well, others have it far worse than we do. So when your anxiety is screaming at you to do something, do the opposite. Number eight, here's a great challenge for you. Sit in a situation without fixing it. Just begin with this first step this next week. When the siblings are squabbling or when the kids are making a mess, walk into the room and sit in the midst of it without fixing it. I go through this a lot more in that 30 Days to Calm program.

22:50If you get the programs, do that first. This is so incredibly helpful because you have to train yourself. My job is not to fix everything with my kids and my spouse and control everything. No, I just go and I sit right in the middle of it. and I notice how uncomfortable it makes me because it does. Don't fight it. You observe it and you resist the urge to fix it. Resist the urge to fix your kids, to fix the situation, to fix your spouse, to make the discomfort go away. Because once you begin to master that, everything will flow more naturally. You'll speak evenly. You'll expect the kids to control themselves.

23:30You'll expect them to clean up. You won't use long lectures and anxiety-ridden pleas or threats that ultimately make you sound weak. You'll lead and problem-solve. And oftentimes, the kids will just figure things out themselves, and you won't make situations worse. Number nine, if you're an engineer, an IT person, or a project manager, you'll like this approach. Basically, create a flowchart of how situations typically unfold. Well, when my daughter speaks in that tone, it irritates me. I don't like it. In the past, I have responded by fill in the blank, yelling, lecturing, taking things away, stomping off, withdrawing.

24:12Well, the result of my reaction has been, well, negative. It's created the opposite result that I was looking for. It separates me from my child, makes me feel guilty, leaves everyone feeling tense. So I want to change my reaction. Instead of reacting by yelling or withdrawing. Instead, I'm going to take a positive action. So what is the positive action you can take? Sit down, speak softly, seek to understand your daughter's frustration, give her a choice, let her own her response, ask her to come walk the dog or color, listen to music together, praise her for two good choices she's made recently.

24:49Break this pattern. You get to refuse to react, wait to respond, lead and problem solve. One of my favorite strategies is number eight. bond over things that irritate you. Let's say your daughter struggles with cleaning her bedroom. Maybe she has ADD. You can just lecture and argue with her for 18 years, but it won't get her room cleaned and you'll ruin your relationship. Or you can put some music on. You go into a room and help her clean, which realistically means you do more work than her. I get that. But maybe you take a before and after photo so she can visually see what it looks like because many of our kids are very visual.

25:29Maybe you let her create a video of how to clean and organize a room in three minutes or five minutes. You make it fun. You play loud music. You bond while showing her how to do this. And the most important part isn't that her room is clean. It's that in an area in which she has a natural weakness, instead of constantly jumping down her throat, you were the one who understood and took the time to teach her. And that will pay dividends throughout the teen years during her whole life. Choose something that irritates you and then challenge yourself to find a way to bond over that with your child.

26:04It's kind of a big F you to your own anxiety and control issues and perfectionism. You just took back control and created connection instead of separation. Even that music that your child loves that you hate, instead of fearing it, enter into it. Start blasting it one day and then be curious. Hey, I'm curious to know what about this music resonates with you. And then listen and begin finding other forms of that same music, whatever it is, to send to your child to bond over. Now, it doesn't mean you have to allow cop killer lyrics and such in your home. But do stretch yourself out of your comfort zone.

26:40Hang upside off the sofa with that child of yours, that sensory kit. Do what makes you uncomfortable. Create connection in the morning by eating outside in the obstacle course you created together. change your attitude and I bet your child's will change. So I worked with this family whose daughter likes to bake but she always leaves a mess and doesn't follow the directions. Shocker. So she but she has two parents one an engineer who likes order and another who's a perfectionist who can't stand the mess. So instead of appreciating their daughter cooking for them all they ever notice and focus on is the mess she makes.

27:19But what if that dad or mom asked the daughter to bake something for a special event at the office so they have an opportunity to praise her? What if she could get out of school one day to cater a staff birthday party? What if they could begin building a little side business, earning some money, because our kids are very much entrepreneurial, and also cooking for maybe shut-ins and delivering meals once a month for Meals on Wheels. And after she's done cooking, you play some fun music and clean up with her. And now it becomes a bonding opportunity instead of one more power struggle. That connection will change and motivate your child more than any lecture or consequence.

28:01We think there's a consequence or a policy that will change human behavior, but the most powerful life-changing force is human interaction and relationships. One of my favorite examples is a dad who works in IT security. He hates MacBooks. Well, guess what his son loves? Apple products. So there were these constant lectures about the superiority of the Microsoft system in the dad's work. That was always met with his son saying, dad, you are so brilliant and good at what you do. Tell me more. Yeah, that never happened. So this dad emailed and said, I was going through your programs and resisting so much of what you were saying.