How to Address Unfairness When A Sibling Has PDA, ADHD, ND #566

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2:04I've got them on right now. Cozy Earth is my wardrobe. So head to CozyEarth.com and use my code CALM for up to 20 % today. So one of the most challenging aspects of raising a child with PDA is how this impacts siblings and even your marriage and your family ecosystem. So I want to show you some helpful reframes in this episode of the PDA Parent Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, host of the Calm Parenting Podcast as well. So I'm glad you're here. This is an excerpt from the special Q &A section of the Confident Parents, Confident Kids PDA program. And one of the things I'm most excited about with this program is that it's interactive.

2:42parents who get the program can ask me specific questions and I'll answer directly and I'll keep adding to our library of content in the program you never have to pay extra for that it's like a living breathing program that's constantly being updated with new insights and strategies as well keep growing together as I share things that other parents like you have done with their kids so you can download all 10 plus hours of the program now at celebrate calm calm and click on the PDA tab. So let's kick off this Q &A talking about how do we address this with siblings? Because obviously that's a huge pain point in all of our families.

3:25It's honestly, it's just not going to feel fair. It's going to feel like you're letting one kid get away with things while I have to follow the rules and I'm trying to do my best. So very, very normal. And obviously we want to move the conversation from equality, which is everybody gets the exact same thing, toward equity. Well, everybody in our family gets what they need to be successful. So first step is always, I'm just going to validate their frustration. Of course it doesn't feel fair. And I'd be really frustrated. Here you are following all the family expectations, working really hard at that.

4:01And from the outside, it looks like your brother or sister just gets to do whatever they want. Like here you're doing a chore and they're over here still building with their Legos and doing something different. I'd feel frustrated too. Honestly, you know what that is? It's just honesty. Yeah, you should. You should feel that. You're not trying to talk them out of it, trying to talk them into just like understanding. Just validate. I like reframing a lot in case you can't tell because it just helps with perspective. and most kids equate fair with identical. So instead, I want to pivot to, no, fair means everybody gets what they need for their specific brain and body.

4:46So classic one is the glasses analogy. Hey, if I gave everyone in the family a pair of glasses, but only you actually needed them to see, would that be fair? No, it would be a waste for us and a necessity for you. We give your brother different tools because his brain works differently. By the way, this is partly why I really love talking as a family openly at the dinner table. Just in the course of your daily life of being very open with, Hey, everyone in our family, mom, dad, brother, sister, I'll just do that because it keeps it easy. We all have our different strengths and weaknesses, and they complement each other.

5:33We're not all the same. We're all different. We have different needs at different times. And that way, you're normalizing. Because I love to normalize life, right? Like throughout your life, you are going to find certain people are given more things. Well, maybe because of the way that they were born into the family that they were born into, the country they're born into. So because I have it better off, then I tend to respond. And I'm just talking about this. I'm not talking about lecturing your kids of like, you know, maybe you could respond with some gratitude and compassion. We'll get to that, but I'm not going there right now.

6:13And I wouldn't say it like that. But for me, it becomes, okay, I'm grateful that I've had these advantages. And now I am going to extend compassion. See, that's just normalizing. This is just how all of life is going to work, not just in our family. And then you do like some people like the cast comparison. Hey, if your sister broke her arm, I wouldn't make you wear a cast just to be fair. She has a specific injury that needs a specific support. Your brother's nervous system responds to stress in a way that ours doesn't. So he needs a specific kind of support. I like that. It doesn't mean the other child is going to be like, oh, it makes it all better.

6:57And I would give up that expectation that they're going to like see it your way. You're going to have to come back to this repeatedly and repeatedly validate, but you don't have to explain everything. I'm huge on talking about how our brains work. Why? Because that just reflects our individuality, and it's not something that we chose, right? Like, I didn't choose my kind of brain. I may have chosen someone else's that was more organized than mine. So I just like to normalize the idea that every member of the family has a different kind of operating system. And so this removes the stigma, and it makes it more a matter of kind of like biology than good versus bad kids.

7:43So depending how you want to say it, you could say, hey, in our family, we just value each other's individuality and we all have different brains. And then you just point out like, hey, your brain is great at transitions and following a schedule. Your brother's brain is wired to protect him from feeling out of control. It's very creative as well. Your dad, in case you haven't noticed, likes things just so. That's why he's so disciplined and he gets the details right. Well, I'm not very good at details, but I'm strategic and creative and I can see the big picture. We all have our strengths and weaknesses.

8:21Look, your dad can make everything very efficient and you'll never have to worry about him not being prepared like on trips. But what happens when plans change a bit on a trip? Dad's not great at going with the flow or being spontaneous and he gets visibly irritated when we're running off schedule. Now, I can do things spontaneously and think creatively in the moment, and so that can be fun. But I often forget things, and that causes us to be inconvenienced at times. Well, you're so good at being conscientious when asked to do something specific. That's going to serve you really well in life. But you're not super creative.

9:03Now, your brother, he can create something from scratch. he's ingenious with that, but he can also get overwhelmed very easily. So the truth is we make all kinds of accommodations for each other every day. That's what you do in human relationships. See, that's kind of my favorite approach. And you just normalize every day. And like, you could do that with you and your spouse. Talk about not your bitterness, but talk, I'm kidding, but talk about the accommodations that you make for each other. I appreciate dad's consistency and I accommodate his stress when plans change and he accommodates me being late and not always being prepared because he values my spontaneity.

9:54Does that make sense? Number four, you can also kind of give perspective in this way. So human nature says we only see the part that we want to see, right? The siblings only see the accommodation, what my brother gets out of this, without seeing the struggle or, say, the cost behind it. And you can give perspective and point out that, hey, kids with PDA, it's not like they're necessarily having more fun. So the conversation is, hey, I know it looks like your brother's getting away with certain chores. That's not really how it works. Think about this. You have homework. You come home, focus on it, and knock it out.

10:39You work hard, but it's not agonizing for you. It's agonizing for your brother. It stresses his nervous system more than you and I can imagine. And that happens literally every single day to him. It could be that the sibling with PDA gets in trouble more or struggles more socially. So it's fair to give perspective, right? You could go the extra mile and say, hey, I wouldn't want to walk a day in his shoes. Daily life with school is just much harder for him. I don't think you need to go the gratitude route because that could be overbearing. but there is a genuine sense that I'm grateful that I don't have to go through childhood with a brain trying to navigate the system that we currently have in our schools.

11:29It's just a fact. It's just harder for some kids. That's fair to point out. So you could do kind of special privileges for your other kids. You don't have to. If the PDA child gets special accommodations, ensure that your other kids have their own unique privileges that reflect maybe their capability, their maturity. Maybe it's a later bedtime or more flexibility when they do things. So there's part of me that says the main perk of being more of a neurotypical kid in person is that navigating childhood is usually just easier and more straightforward. It's like they're good with it because their natural inclination is, well, I wake up and I follow directions and I do that.

12:19And then teachers like me, my parents like me. I get into college, I go out, I get a job, and I've got a pretty stable life. That's the big perk. And I point that out too because I want them to be good for the rest of their lives just at recognizing different, like how life works. I would create the one-on-one time tradition. Tradition where your siblings, the other ones, get your undivided attention. They don't have to talk about their brother or sister and they don't have to talk about PDA. Maybe there's like a standard date and time. Like every Tuesday night, this is our thing. I will give you my undivided attention.

13:02And by the way, I like lots of time. So if you have lots of time, spend lots of time. But sometimes, just so you know, 7, 10, 12, 15 minutes of very focused intensity with any other human being can really be filling inside. Because what do we do as spouses? We're so busy. It's kind of like, yeah, we're talking about the day. What needs to go on while I'm opening the mail, while I'm making dinner, and while she's doing this. but if you stop and give eye contact which is really important and if you touch right just physical touch while you're giving eye contact you don't need a lot of time to really connect and do that so create your one-on-one time it could be sometimes that you know I talked throughout the program about getting our kids like after school going to a neighbor's house And part of that side benefit is now your other kids that are at home get to breathe a little bit.

14:02You get some one-on-one time with them. That's kind of a nice thing. You know, doing solo missions if you want. Like once a month we're going to go overnight here or do some special thing. Love that time. So, and you can ask them, hey, what do you want to do? I would encourage this, and this is tricky. encourage the siblings to advocate for themselves. Teach the sibling that they can ask for accommodations too. They can speak up freely for what they need, including some time alone if things are too stressful at home. I think teaching all kids to be assertive about their needs is paramount, and they should always feel free to ask questions for clarification.

14:44I'd go a step further and teach them how to be assertive about their own needs within the family and directly with the sibling with PDA. They shouldn't feel guilty about speaking up and knowing their needs are important. You know your child better than anyone. So when something shifts, like they're suddenly anxious around meals, cutting out foods, losing weight, or their personality just feels different, something more serious may be going on. When eating disorders show up, they can completely hijack a child's brain. That moodiness, withdrawal, combative behavior isn't them, it's the illness. The good news is the earlier you get support, the easier recovery is.

15:25And that's why I want to reintroduce you to Equip. Equip is a fully virtual eating disorder treatment program that brings best-in-class, evidence-based care right to your home. Every family gets an entire team, a therapist, dietician, medical provider, and mentors who've been through this themselves. They're experts in treating all eating disorders, even lesser known ones like ARFID. There's no wait list. It's covered by most insurance plans. And you can talk to an expert right away to get answers. So if something in your gut is telling you to look deeper, listen to it. Visit equip.health.com to get a free consultation with Equip.

16:03That's equip.health.com. And they could speak up to a sibling. maybe take an easy common one of like you've got one child who always seems to have to control the game and wants to cheat or quit and he's bugging his sister to play the game the sister being assertive could say hey I really want to play this game but I'm not going to play if you're going to cheat or quit or change the rules of the game now the other child has an opportunity to say well, then I'm not willing to play either. But there's nothing wrong with them. Give them language to use in specific situations. If you struggle with this, email a specific situation.

16:46I'll try to provide a specific assertive statement. So here are some common kind of things you could say. Well, why doesn't he have to do homework? And you don't want to say, well, because he'll have a meltdown if I ask. It's just like, well, his brain's on overload right now. So all day at school, he's working, you know, like kids, good one, kids with dyslexia. They're working three, four or five times as hard at school. So it makes sense to me that they get a break after school. So we prioritize other things over homework. That can lead to a bigger discussion of, hey, here's your path in life.

17:26You have stated you want to be a nurse, a doctor, an engineer, an attorney. So that means you're going to have to do really well academically. And that suits you because your natural aptitudes fit what you want to do. It's pretty straightforward. Your brother, though, is probably going to take a different path. So we're prioritizing other things. You know, that reminds me of what I've done in our other work of saying like, well, like what a way you could, I don't want to say turn it around, but give perspective is, hey, hey, you other sibling that's more neurotypical, what if we said all of a sudden, you know what, you're going to have to own your own business when you grow up.

18:10No college, no med school, no engineering. You're going to have to own your own business. You're going to have to be a risk taker. And we're going to parent you like that. And then that child might say, but wait, I'm not made that way. Taking risks, being creative, seeing patterns in things, I'm not good at that. So you're going to make me do that? And you're like, ah, now you're getting it. Your brother's different. We prioritize different things. But also let the siblings listen to specific tracks in the program so they can understand better. Well, it's not fair that he gets to stay on his iPad.

18:50And you never want to say, well, you just worry about yourself. Now, you can say, and I'm going to cover this in screens. you could say, hey, when I allow him to get on his screens in the afternoon for 30 minutes, it's just to help him regulate a little bit and feel safe. It's just a tool that he's using in the moment. I'm going to go through screens. They might say, I wish I had PDA so I could do whatever I want. And you don't want to dismiss that. I just say like, yeah, it kind of seems like that from the outside. What I hear is you want more freedom. So let's look at how we can give you more choice in your daily life without you having to feel the stress that he feels.

19:34You could write a note to the other sibling or siblings, and it may come out like this. I wanted to write this to you because sometimes being the, let's call it the steady one in our family, well, that can be really hard, or the one who just follows directions all the time. You may look at how we parent your brother or sister and think, well, that's not fair. Why do I have to follow the rules, do my chores and finish my homework while they get to skip it or stay on their screen? Well, what I want you to know are two things. One is, you're right. It isn't equal. It isn't. And I see you. I see how hard you work, how much you handle, how much you contribute to this family.

20:15And then you validate, right? Of course. Of course you would see it this way. But in our house, we're trying to raise each person according to their individual talents and aptitudes and brains. Your brain is like a high-performance engine that handles demands really well. You can hear it's time for dinner, and even if you don't like it, your brain stays calm and lets you move. Your brother's brain is a little bit different. For him, a simple request, like put your shoes on, can kind of feel like a big alarm clock going off. And his brain reacts as if there's a real emergency, and sometimes he gets stuck or angry or just needs more time and space.

20:51Fair doesn't mean everybody gets the same thing. If we were all hiking and you had great boots, but your brother's boots were two sizes too small and hurting him, fair wouldn't be giving you both a band-aid. Fair would be letting him sit down or take a different path while you keep going. Because your brain is so capable, well, you get some extra privileges. Since you can handle more, we trust you with more. That means later bedtime, more choices in what you do, special time with us. It also means a lot of activities are just easier for you in some ways. That doesn't make how you feel any different, and this can be exhausting.

21:28But I always want to know. I'll listen when you feel like things are out of balance. You can always come and talk honestly about that. I'll always protect your space so your brother's and sister's big feelings don't take over your room or your fun. And I'll always make time for just us, where we don't have to talk about PDA or brain stuff at all. I love who you are. I love who everybody in our family is. Our family's a team, and you're a huge part of why we win. I kind of like that. It's kind of a nice touch. So I think what I'd spend some time thinking about now is your own family. Reframe it.

22:06Take it out of that kind of like, well, one child gets this, one child gets that, and reframe it and put it even in context that your kids can understand because they know you and your spouse. And you can say, look, look at how dad handles exercise. Dad is very regimented. He goes alone. He takes notes. He measures everything. Me, I do dance classes. I do yoga. Sometimes I do group training. We both do things in very different ways, but we support each other in that. And so that's what I want to do in our family is know this. So to the sibling, I say, look, here's the path that I think you're taking and that you want to take in life.

22:51So what you and I can focus on is what specifically do you need so that you feel supported, so you can be happy and live a meaningful life and achieve your goals? And let's make sure that you have all of those supports. And then I look at your brother with PDA and I think, okay, what is his path in life? What supports does he need to be happy and live a meaningful life and achieve his goals? And dad and I do the same thing. We're in it together. See, I like that reframing. So here's what we're going to do. Next up on the Q &A, I'm going to handle the, we're going to go through bedtime, which is always fun, and also how to handle burnout and screen usage and dependency.

23:39And I'm getting a lot of really great emails from other parents. So I'll be adding their comments. Obviously, I ask if permission. I don't share anybody's name, and I'll make it generic. But then I can give very specific strategies, and I'll add that to the program. So thank you for working so hard at this. Hey, moms and dads who listen to this podcast, thank you for listening. I hope you'll subscribe so you don't miss out on any episodes coming up. And if you want more information, go to CelebrateCalm.com and just click on the PDA tab. All right. Respect you all. Love you all very much. Bye-bye.