How To Stop Reacting, Help Kids with Anxiety/PDA/ADHD & Partner With Teachers #549

0:00So I have a Valentine's Day gift you will enjoy literally every night for the next few years. You can get heavenly soft cozy earth pajamas with our buy one get one free special right now. Mrs. Calm and I have never been PJ people until we first tried cozy earth bamboo pajamas three years ago. That's when we ditched the old night shirts for the soothing comfort of bamboo. When we change into the lightweight luxurious cozy earth bamboo pajamas, they kind of invite us to settle into sleep mode. So get them for you and your spouse, or just get two for you. These PJs are so ridiculously comfortable, they sold out during the holidays.

0:41But Cozy Earth is giving my listeners an exclusive offer. Buy one, get one free bamboo PJs. Go to CozyEarth.com. Use code CALMBogo to take advantage of this through February 8th. That's CozyEarth.com, code CALM, B-O-G-O, to get these PJs for you and someone you love. So does your child need help with a particular subject in school? I encourage you to check out IXL.com slash Kirk. Do you have a child who is bored and wants to work ahead? IXL gives you that flexibility. IXL is an online learning program that can be used by any student from K to 12. What I personally like about IXL is that your child can explore any topic in any grade level.

1:28And no matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way they learn best while meeting them at their level. So whether your child needs extra help with a class or wants to work ahead, IXL provides the positive feedback our kids crave. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. Do you struggle to stop reacting, yelling, or lecturing?

2:11Good. That makes you human. Do you have a child who will struggle with the inevitable anxiety and tough transition back to school after this long holiday break? How can we help teachers help our kids? I want to help you with concrete action steps and scripts. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us, our New Year's sale, and ad-free podcast option at CelebrateCalm.com. So let's get rolling with this. Can you imagine being a teacher with 20 or more kids who have been out of their school routine for two weeks on that first morning?

2:51That's hard. So acknowledge that. Sometimes we began the new year by sending Casey's teachers a note that sounded something like this. Hey, we appreciate how challenging it can be to teach 20 plus kids, especially when you have kids like Casey who do require extra time. You have to get 20 kids to focus and we struggle to get one to focus. So we're trying everything we can at home to support you, including meeting sensory needs before school and working on his diet. We always wanted teachers to know we weren't expecting them to do miracles and we were doing our part at home. Mr. and Mrs. Teacher, we've also discovered that Casey responds really well when we connect, give him tools to succeed, and affirm him for positives.

3:41The methods that work with most other kids, clear rules and consequences and behavior charts, they tend to backfire with Casey. He shuts down when overwhelmed or when things get negative. So could we try something different for the next two weeks to start the new year and see if we can make some progress. See, I like setting it up like that because we're on the same side. We know it's hard and we're going to try things for two weeks and then measure progress. That seems reasonable. And you could say, hey, when our daughter walks into the classroom in the morning, could you ask her about her dog, Max, her cheer competition, her volunteering at the animal shelter?

4:27See, always try to find something that your teacher and child share in common, like love for pepperoni pizza, chocolate ice cream, their favorite movie. When kids came to our home for camp, the first thing I did was look for clues. Like, what were they wearing on their hoodie? Was it a Star Wars hoodie? And I'd say, oh, who's your favorite character? Was it a character on a backpack. See, as soon as I would connect personally, you could feel the kids exhale and relax a bit. So the next thing we do is give kids tools to succeed in the classroom. So we'd say, hey, could you give Casey a mission or made-up job just to get a win in the morning?

5:10He likes feeling helpful and doing adult-type jobs. So saying, hey, Casey, I could really use your help moving those heavy books from the back of the room and stacking them on the floor by my desk. Could you come a few minutes early to help me? See, when you do that, you create a success. You meet sensory needs. You relieve anxiety. And then it's easier for the teacher to say, Hey, good job, Casey. That's a great way to start the day. Hey, Sarah, you're so creative. Do you think you could help create a sign for our upcoming event? Hey, could you help that new girl in class feel comfortable? Do you think, hey, you're really good at reading.

5:48Would you be willing to teach some of the younger kids in school how to read? See, that kind of mission gets their brain focused on completing a specific task that they're often good at. And our kids like challenges. So many of you have kids who are bored in class. So you could bring in extra worksheets and the teacher could give your child a challenge. Hey, you know what the other students, they're adding two-digit numbers. Think you can add these three-digit numbers? hey bet you can't do x sometimes challenges like that for kids who are very bright and bored work really well so this is kind of cool you've heard my story of being like the my way or the highway dad who finally changed but i received the most amazing email from a teacher about a month ago who said that she was the my way or highway teacher for over a decade and so here's what she's doing in the classroom.

6:42She said, Kirk, parents of a child in my class shared your downloadable programs with me, and I was skeptical. I knew my way was the right way, that these kids just needed more discipline and consequences. But it wasn't your materials on the classroom that changed me. It was the 30 Days to Calm and, ironically, the dad's program. Because in listening, I discovered the root of my own rigidity was my childhood experience with my own dad. I've been working on healing that. And as I have, I'm seeing myself in my students and it's changing me. I was never given any help as a kid. But now I can give all these kids the patience and tools I was never given.

7:32Now that is, I don't have the words for that. that is profoundly wonderful on a very personal level, and it's impacting her professional life. So here's what she's been doing in the classroom, and maybe you could even have your child's teacher listen to this episode or share some of these ideas with your child's teacher, and you can use these at homework time. So this teacher is called Mrs. Z, and she said, I loved your Simon Says idea. So I break up long class periods with a three-minute break. Hey, Simon says, touch your left knee with your right thumb. See, that's fun. It gets kids following very specific directions.

8:13Kids are crossing the midline of their bodies and brains, and that activates both hemisphere of the child's brain. Simon says, squeeze your elbows as tightly as you can. Well, Mrs. Z says she can tell the kids who need sensory pressure because they hug themselves until they're almost breathless. Now she's using that insight to have those kids move heavy books, sweep, do their work under their desks. When she asks questions and a child raises their hand, she tosses the student a squishy ball to hold while answering the question. Besides being fun, she notices the anxious kids will squeeze that ball so tightly and the kids who need tactile learning never want to give it back.

9:03So some of the other strategies we teach on the ADHD University and the Brain Boosters programs, which I recommend that you share with your child's teachers. If you have our programs, just email Casey and he'll handle the details so you can use their natural passions and talents to teach them new skills. So Mrs. Z tried this with one student who's kind of like our kids, It's kind of always in trouble, not always paying attention, didn't like doing things the normal way. And they were studying ancient Rome. And she said, I could use your help. See, we have pictures in a book of old Roman buildings and coliseums.

9:41But do you think you could create these out of clay or Legos? And she said his face lit up and he put so much effort into this project. He was detailed. He read up on Roman building techniques and insisted on getting the details right, of course. And he ended up getting some other kids to help build an aqueduct as a science experiment. His name is Max, and all the kids began calling him Maximus. So I asked Mrs. Z, is everything better with Maximus now? And her answer was honest. No, not everything. He still struggles, but he's smiling more. He's engaged. He feels better about himself, and we've made a lot of progress.

10:27He knows I believe in him and want to help, and he's trying. See, that is what we're after. So how can we apply this to your home? So number one, control yourself instead of your kids. You know what finally hit me years ago? I was putting so much emotional energy into lecturing, controlling, and honestly trying to manipulate Casey into behaving the way I wanted him to. It was all consuming. And what did I have to show for it? Nothing. In fact, all my pressure and lectures and anxiety backfired, made situations worse. And I realized that while my dad had cut me out of any financial inheritance when he died, he had bequeathed to me his controlling nature.

11:17I mean, I was a grown adult, reasonably successful in the corporate world. So my way had obviously worked well for me. So why shouldn't Casey follow my lead and do what I told him to do? Because that's what my dad had demanded. and I had dutifully abandoned my own true self in order to get my dad to accept me or at least not hit me or be mean to me. But we never really had a relationship. Do you know how humbling it is? And many of you do now. Do you know how humbling it is to realize after years of subtly blaming your own child for being difficult that you are in fact the one who needs to change?

11:58It's a really bitter pill to swallow. But the fruit of that realization is freedom inside, healthy relationships, and ironically, much better behavior and responses for your child. So let's just choose one trigger and work on it now. And many people say, oh, you know, I'm going to stop yelling and break all my generational patterns. And I'm like, that's an awesome commitment to make in the new year. But why don't we start with something a little bit easier to get a win for the next week? just the next week, every time I get triggered and want to react, yell, or lecture, instead, I'm going to sit down, or I'm going to ask questions, or I'm going to compliment my child on one good trait.

12:40And now you physically role-play that and do that by yourself sometime today. Picture yourself getting triggered. Picture and hear your normal reaction, and that may even embarrass you and then physically walk into a room and sit down. Why? Because it doesn't work when you tell yourself to stop doing something. It works much better when you start exercising a new response like sitting. I like sitting because it automatically changes the tone of your voice. You go, even matter of fact, creates a less defensive response from your child. Plus it's simple and you can sit just about anywhere and it's almost impossible to yell while you're sitting.

13:23Or maybe you encounter that triggering child and you hear all your normal responses flooding your brain and begging you to say, how many times have I told you not to do that? What were you thinking? If you don't stop that right now, I'm taking away. See, you and I practice those habits dozens or hundreds of times. So practice saying, you know, one of my favorite qualities about you is that you're not afraid to speak up and express your opinion. It's a great trait. Or you can pick an easy one. You know what? I love that you can see patterns, that you help Mrs. Johnson down the street. Get a win.

14:00Observe how your child responds differently. Give yourself a pat on the back, and then you can build on that. Okay, what about a child who struggles with anxiety or is going to resist going back to school after this long break. So here's the second step. Number two, give your kids tools to create successes. You know, kind of like you just did above. Here's a good analogy. What if your spouse just said, hey, if you react, yell, or lecture the kids, then you lose your phone or coffee or you can't go work out. Well, you get frustrated thinking, but how? How can I stop reacting? I need some tools.

14:40See, sitting is a tool. Replacing lectures with compliments is a tool. We use those tools to create successes. But with our kids, we tend to go right to the if-then consequences. Well, if you do that, you lose this. And it only leads to parents, teachers, and kids being frustrated. Those red, yellow, and green behavior charts in school, they don't work. Partly because when your kids walk into school, they're kind of already on yellow and they know they're never getting to green. So they figure, hey, if I'm going to be on red today, I may as well just double down and make it a really bad day and not even try.

15:15Because think about this. There are two ways to handle misbehavior. One is reactive. When the child inevitably misbehaves or does something wrong, you react and punish the child with a consequence. In effect, you're punishing a child for failing, but I prefer the proactive approach. Simple example, I know that my child struggles with sitting still for long periods of time, so proactively I plan out an opportunity for my child to move to refill the teacher's water bottle. So here's an example that you may encounter this coming weekend. So we know many of your kids struggle with anxiety and their stomachs will get upset, They may get kind of grumpy and irritable and even defiant on Sunday afternoon because they're anticipating going back to school after having two weeks off.

16:06And just saying, you know, if you don't go to school tomorrow, you'll lose all your screens. It's not going to work. And it just punishes you. So what are the tools we use for anxiety? First, normalize their anxiety. Of course, your stomach is a little upset. You've been out of your routine for a couple weeks. It's really hard going back into an environment that you're not always excited about. Heck, it's not like I miss my co-workers or boss. I've enjoyed being home with you guys, so I'm not really looking forward to going back to the office. So that's a very normal feeling. Normalizing isn't excusing.

16:44It's being honest and identifying very specifically with what your child is feeling and experiencing. See, it's counter to that awful habit we have as humans of dismissing people's emotions because they make us uncomfortable. And we say things, oh, it's no big deal. You'll go back and have a great day. See, that's not honest. I'd rather prepare them for real life and kind of what I call read life to them, right? You're telling them how things work. So here's how it works. Your stomach will be upset. And you may even struggle to sleep tonight. and you'll want to stay home and I get that. And you're going to walk into school tomorrow and it'll be a little uncomfortable at first, but then you'll see a friend or Mrs.

17:29Hanson that you really like and it'll get better over the course of the day. See, again, you're identifying with their lived experience, not trying to tell them, oh, it's no big deal. And so the other tool we use is this. Anxiety is caused by unknowns. You counter the unknowns of anxiety by giving kids something they feel in control of, like a special mission, something for their brain to focus on, something they feel in control of. So I'd even email the teacher today and ask, hey, do you have a made-up job you can give Anthony on Monday? So ideally, when a teacher says, hey, Anthony, I could really use your help because our kids love helping other adults, just not us.

18:14You're really good at doing X. Could you get here Monday morning, maybe five or ten minutes early and help me with this project? See, that helps immensely because now you're getting your child's brain focused on completing a job they're good at doing. You're forging a connection with the teacher over something positive. At the very least, plan a fun Monday morning with a treasure hunt or even leaving early to hit a fast food drive-thru on the way to school. You can even say you need a strong coffee to start your first day back to work. So it's not just about them. See, we're giving tools to be successful.

18:54That's basically what all of our programs consist of. Giving parents and teachers and kids specific tools to overcome weaknesses and create successes. Number three, be creative in how you affirm kids. So I'm not going to belabor this as I've covered this a lot lately. but I want you to be relentless for the next couple weeks and just noticing when your kids make progress. Give fist bumps. Keep it short and sweet. When you praise strong-willed kids, kids with PDA, pathological demand avoidance, will often hear praise as pressure. And how many of you have noticed you try to praise your kids and they reject it?

19:34And they'll reject it forcefully because what they're really saying is, no, no, no, I didn't do that well because now you're going to expect me to make that kind of choice again. Don't put that kind of pressure on me because I probably won't do it the right way next time. See, can you kind of hear that in your child's voice? So when I praise or affirm, it's simply a quick statement of fact with no emotion, nothing. I can't believe you made such a good choice. Let's have a celebration. We never thought you'd actually make a good choice. None of that. Don't draw a lot of attention to them. It's just a statement of fact, and then I change the subject or move on or walk away.

20:20Hey, really respect how you handle that situation with your sister. Hey, good effort trying to do something really difficult. Man, a lot of creativity on that project. Hey, well done. Shows me you're growing up. Fist bump. Walk away. You plant lots of little seeds, but you don't draw a lot of attention. By the way, I'm working on a couple podcasts for PDA kids, so please subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss those. They're going to be extremely helpful. I do like playing this game with kids. So you're sitting around the table, you're in the car, and you say, I spy, remember the old I spy game, I spy a girl in a blue shirt who is amazing at building and tinkering with things, who has this amazing engineering brain.

21:06I spy a boy in a red shirt who's incredibly creative, pictures things in his brain, and then creates them. He'd even do it with older kids, right, with a middle school kid. I spy a teenager in the same hoodie sweatshirt he's worn for 18 straight days who crushes it when playing video games and is trying to suppress a smile through his scowl right now. Make it fun with your kids. Relax a little bit because when you relax and enjoy your kids, the discipline gets much easier and they don't need so much discipline because the connection there. Remember, connection is always primary, and this has nothing to do with letting your kids get away with things and run all over.

21:52Not at all. It has nothing to do with being permissive, but I also don't have to be authoritarian and rigid. Remember what that teacher said about going from being the my way or highway teacher and then discovering it comes back to her own relationships. And a lot of parents will say, well, what if my kids see me mess up? What if I'm honest about my issues? And my response is, it's not like it's some secret. Your kids already know you lecture or yell or react. Your kids know your buttons and your triggers before you do. But when you're changing, you're actually modeling for them the traits you want them to ultimately exhibit.

22:33Honesty, humility, owning your choices, messing up, apologizing, working really hard to make progress. Messing up is part of the process. So let's kick off the new year by making progress in one small area, giving our kids tools to succeed at home and in the classroom, and affirming them for progress while you give yourself some credit for making progress as well. I'm proud of you. Moms and dads, this is hard work and you're doing it. If you need some help with anything, if you need help financially getting our programs, reach out to Casey. It's C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Do tell him to be nice to me.

23:14And he'll help you share if you've bought the programs, he'll help you share those with family members or teachers. And I also want to say a special thank you to all of you. You have no idea how wonderful it is to be on this side. and we get so many emails and I know people are struggling, but you're always so gracious and kind and it's humbling. And sometimes we read your emails and cry, partly because many of you have a lot of pain that you're going through. And partly it's just because you're so gracious and we're getting emails like a lot of people are subscribing to that ad-free podcast. I know one guy, he was like, it helps me not have to listen to your annoying voice so much.

23:53But the truth is, you've really changed me as a dad. And people email such kind things and thank me. But the truth is you're doing the hard work to change. And I have so much respect for you for that. So thank you all. Love you all. We'll see you on Instagram. And again, thank you for there. We've created, we have a small part of social media where you can come and it's supportive and not toxic at all. and it's positive and and parents will post questions to me and other parents will jump in and help it's just really beautiful and I do appreciate you all okay bye