How to Turn Mad Toddlers, Teens & In Between Into Resilient Kids #535

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1:29On iXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level, and they're not forced into a single learning path. Our kids thrive on positive feedback and IXL consistently reinforces success. Plus, IXL gives you as the parent feedback on their progress so you know where to focus your efforts. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So how should you respond when your toddler throws herself on the floor and screams, I hate you, or your son begins hitting because he's jealous of the new baby?

2:19What about the child who is mad because you ask him to do chores or go to a new class? when your child gives you the silent treatment or your tween isn't happy about parental controls you put on their phone. And what about the inevitable huffing and puffing from a teenager who thinks you're too strict and doesn't want any restrictions on dating, curfew, or anything in their life as they strive for independence? Your kids are going to be mad at you. How can you be ready for these inevitable standoffs and turn them into opportunities to create resilient kids. That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

2:58So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, and you can find us and our very popular Black Friday sale at celebratecalm.com. Look, as you know, I fought a lot with Casey when he was little, and it took a long time to rebuild our relationship. And I remember one time in his teen years, we had this huge disagreement, and Casey was furious at me and I remember exactly where we were. We were in a drive-thru in this small Texas town late at night after a work event and I was struggling inside because I didn't like the emotional distance. Well what if this triggered old feelings and Casey pulled away from me after all we had worked through?

3:39It was uncomfortable. It was unsettling. I wanted to make everything right between us in that moment so we could go back to laughing and enjoying being together. Instead, I look over and there's a seething young man next to me in the car who didn't like me in that moment. And I was struggling with self-doubt. Wait, did I pick this fight unnecessarily? Should I just give in to make the discomfort go away? And we ended up driving back to the hotel in silence. And if you have a strong-willed child, you know even their silence can be deafening. So I struggled through a restless night's sleep. The next day, we had a fantastic discussion, but it was hard to navigate.

4:21You're going to go through that. So let's start with the big picture, and then I'm going to go through several specific scenarios with kids of all ages. Look, your strong-willed kids should and will be mad at you because you say no, you put proper limits on them, you don't give them whatever they want, or you ask them to do things they don't want to do. So it's normal and unexpected. And they're going to complain that you're too strict when you're probably just being a responsible parent. Now, I'm not talking about parents who provoke their kids to anger by being unreasonable, critical, or abusive.

4:57Remember, discipline is something you do for your child, not to them. It means you are doing something for them that they are not able to do for themselves in that moment. That's a compassionate thing to do. Look, you know I'm all about respecting kids and talking to them like adults, but they are not adults. They are still children. Their prefrontal cortex, responsible for impulse control, and good decision-making is not even close to being fully developed. So they don't consider the consequences of their actions beyond the next few hours. So they need us. Your kids need you to be the parent even when they don't want you to be the parent.

5:38Your kids need you to be the parent even when you don't want to be the parent because it's hard. So let's begin with an easy example with a young child. So you've heard me say this. A toddler's job description is to want everything they see, demand it, and then throw a tantrum to see if they can make you feel so uncomfortable you give in. There's nothing wrong with that developmentally. It's actually healthy because it is a child's immature way of discovering where the boundaries are and how life works. Don't be afraid of tantrums unless you're throwing one. So sit down, unfazed, adopt an even matter-of-fact tone that communicates, look, I'm okay with your tantrum, and you may do that as long as you want.

6:26Just know that your tantrums will never, ever work with me. and I always get asked, what's the consequence for a tantrum? Well, there is none. It's just simple. The child doesn't get what they want. That's it. And remember our phrases. Your behavior does not change my behavior. Your mood does not determine my mood. So let's say your daughter doesn't get what she wants and she yells, I hate you, mommy, or you're being a mean daddy and I don't like you. All that means is you have a very insightful child who goes right for the jugular because they know what motivates you and they know how to push buttons.

7:02It's smart and normal. Don't react. You step back for a moment and recognize this is simply an immature attempt to get you to change your mind. And you have to become comfortable with your child being upset at you because if you're not, they will hold you hostage emotionally. So you stand firm. You give your child space to throw their tantrum until they learn it will never work. This is the compassionate thing to do for your child. So what's the opportunity here? At a very basic level, your child is going to learn that disappointment is a fact of life, that tantrums don't work, that they can count on you to be that solid rock in their life.

7:49And they learn that they can be resilient in the face of disappointment. And then you can take it one step further. So you stand up and say, hey, when you're ready or when you're done with that, I could really use some help moving this heavy bag, trying to get this jar open. See, that will give them something they feel in control of and help them calm down. Then you go a step further and teach them how to ask instead of demand. The patience pays off. Just don't react or give in. Now here's a tough one. Say you have a child who is mad that you had another baby. This is not a tantrum. There is some legitimate anger here, so we'll deal with that by giving the child some tools to handle the new situation.

8:35So just think about it from your child's point of view. I was king of this home at everybody's undivided attention. Now this new baby comes along and everyone's constantly showering this baby with attention, and I'm kind of forgotten over here. Some kids will begin hitting, acting out in school, or even regress with potty training. This is not a tantrum and consequences won't work. And a little side note, do not try to reassure or convince your child, well, one day you two will be best friends. That's too much pressure and it may not be true. So here's where we give tools. Number one, I just address it directly and acknowledge, hey, it's hard when you're the only child in the family and then a baby comes along.

9:17It's normal to feel like everyone else likes the baby more. You should feel a little bit upset by this. See, you're just normalizing it because that's a normal emotion. What I want you to know is that we spent the same amount of time with you when you were born. You just didn't know it because you were a baby. And we have to do this because your new brother can't do anything at all on his own. But you can. And here's where I would transition to bringing your older child kind of alongside of you as one of the kind of quote grown-ups who's capable of doing so many big kid things. So I'd ask him to be your deputy or sidekick who can show off all the things he's capable of doing, like carrying heavy things for you, tying his own shoes, packing things for the car.

10:06Give your child some special missions that only he can do because he's the older one and then make a big deal out of that. Oh man, your little brother can't do things that you can. Man, I'm super proud of you. I'd love to have a teacher give your child a special mission at school, doing something he's really good at doing. Ask a neighbor to give your child some kind of job helping them, even if it's something little. We want your older child feeling competent and helpful. We want the older child to have his own place and space. So see if this makes sense. So his little brother or sister. And then I want you and the teacher and the neighbor making a big deal out of affirming him for being so responsible.

10:52Man, it's really awesome that you can do that. When relatives or friends come to the house, make sure they stop first and talk to the older child and say, hey, what have you been up to? Oh, that's really cool that you created that. Right? I've heard from your parents, you're being so incredibly helpful. I'm really proud of you. Again, even little kids learn that they can be resilient in the face of challenges. I would also add physical sensory exercise like climbing, wrestling, swimming, martial arts can help off work, work off some of that ick as the older brother. Now, what about a child who doesn't want to do chores?

11:30So mom had written, our third grader gets so angry when we ask him to do chores, what would you do? Well, look, I always like making it a challenge. Hey, but you can't do that chore blindfolded upside down, sweep the floor with a broom behind your back, between your legs. I don't care how they do it. And I give them ownership over how they do the chores. I don't care how you get it done. You do it some weird way. I don't care. Just get it done. And I even expand what I consider a chore. So many of our kids are awesome at helping other people, not always us. And we're trying to raise kids to be adults who are conscientious and responsible.

12:09So if you have a child who wants to help an elderly neighbor rake the leaves or do something around the house like our son would do, well then I just consider that a chore. But if your child just flat out refuses, then you can take that no drama approach. Okay, here's how it works in life. If you don't do your chores, well then we don't take you places or buy you things. That's just how life works. I have no problem with that. Your child's making a rational choice and doesn't want to do it. But here's a different scenario where we get into it being something more emotional. So let's go through that.

12:43And what about kids who are upset because you're imposing limits, making them go to a class they don't want to go to, or imposing a limit on their screen usage? How do you handle that? You know your child better than anyone. So when something shifts, like they're suddenly anxious around meals, cutting out foods, losing weight, or their personality just feels different, something more serious may be going on. When eating disorders show up, they can completely hijack a child's brain. That moodiness, withdrawal, combative behavior isn't them. It's the illness. The good news is the earlier you get support, the easier recovery is.

13:23And that's why I want to reintroduce you to Equip. Equip is a fully virtual eating disorder treatment program that brings best-in-class evidence-based care right to your home. Every family gets an entire team, a therapist, dietician, medical provider, and mentors who've been through this themselves. They're experts in treating all eating disorders, even lesser-known ones like ARFID. There's no wait list. It's covered by most insurance plans. And you can talk to an expert right away to get answers. So if something in your gut is telling you to look deeper, listen to it. Visit equip.health.com to get a free consultation with Equip.

14:00That's equip.health.com. So you have a child who is flat out refusing to go to her new swimming class. She's angry and mad at you, even though she asked you to sign her up for this class. She's just refusing to go. Now, if you've listened to prior podcasts, like episode 527, Face to Face with an Angry, Frustrated, Anxious Child, You know this is not a defiance issue. It's an anxiety issue. Your daughter's not really mad at you. She's just lashing out because she feels helpless. So listen to that episode for specific steps on how to handle anxiety. What I would do is I would have the swimming coach ask your daughter to arrive early each week maybe to help younger kids learn how to swim.

14:48Why? Our kids are often very good with younger kids and animals with older people, and they like feeling helpful for other adults. The big opportunity you have here is teaching your kids skills they will use for the rest of their lives when they experience anxiety so that they can be resilient in the face of anxiety and not feel helpless anymore. But if you just react all the time and send them to the room or threaten them, you're not teaching them anything. You're just reacting. So here's a truth. No kids and virtually very few people like limits. Your kids are never going to say, mom, dad, thanks for caring so much about me that you put limits on me and monitor my activities.

15:35So I get this question a lot. How can I keep my kids safe from online predators and make sure they're not going to get in trouble for sending stupid text or pictures without violating their privacy. My son gets so upset when I tell him he must have some parental controls on his phone. So here's the hard part. When we were kids, we had to go looking for trouble. The scary part is that the smartest people in the world in tech now create ways for predators to interact with your kids without you knowing. I mean, we've had kids who've been encouraged to kill themselves or they're being sent pornographic and explicit messages.

16:15Even young kids are being targeted now on Roblox. Now the good news is there are many incredibly helpful apps and tools that enable you to monitor and get alerts without having to spy on your kids. And I wish we would have had this back in the day when Casey first got his smartphone. So I want to highlight one particular app just as an example because we have several friends and my brother who actually use Bright Canary with their kids. So here's what their feedback is. Bright Canary is the first app that gives parents alerts about everything your child types on any app they use on their iPhone.

16:54And this is important because it now includes Discord, Snapchat, because we always think like, oh, Snapchat, it's gone. Oh, no, they can see that. Instagram, Roblox, and AI chats and companions. The more your kids are using ChatGPT, the more important it is for you to kind of keep up because it allows you to be curious about where their mind is and what they're interested in. Now, one set of friends said they wanted their tween to learn how to manage her phone usage. And they said Bright Canary gives them peace of mind because if your child is sending text messages, The app allows you to see all incoming and outgoing messages, images, and videos, even deleted text.

17:39And the app flags concerning content. And they said this is hugely important to them. And so far, her daughter is handling this new responsibility really well. And I'll just add this. Their daughter is likely to receive something inappropriate from a boy at some point. Just that's what the odds say. Their daughter is likely to be embarrassed to tell her parents about it, or she may feel like she's ratting out a classmate. So it puts a girl in this position of feeling uncomfortable, and a boy also, right? Puts them in the position of feeling uncomfortable, vulnerable, and even afraid. But see, the app helps alert the parents that something is going on.

18:22So I asked my friends, I was like, okay, how easy is Bright Canary to install on your kid's phone? and they said, oh, it's a snap. It's just enabled through keyboard software that sits right on your child's phone and it takes two minutes to install. Now my brother, who's kind of a jerk like me, said, oh, it'll take you four minutes because I'm technologically challenged. So here's what our friend said as well. One said I use Bright Canary because it's like my online eyes and ears 24 seven without having to scroll through my kid's phones. If my kids send or receive messages anywhere that mentioned drugs, depression, suicide, or porn.

19:00The app flags this and sends me an alert in real time so I can address issues before it's too late. Now, we've got some friends, Peter and Melanie. They actually had an unexpected surprise. They discovered their daughter was searching online about archaeology. Turns out she's really into ancient ruins. So they're connecting with her over that and they're planning a vacation around that. So that's pretty cool. Now, my brother, he's a really busy guy. He said what he really likes is the AI summaries. So he doesn't have to read every single message. And this gives him, again, I hear this all the time.

19:38Bright Canary gives me peace of mind. Plus, he's allowing my nephew more independence as he earns that trust. So I'd encourage you to download Bright Canary. It's in the App Store. You should get to start a free trial. Or you can go to brightcanary.io. You just scan a QR code and download Bright Canary. Start free trial. Highly recommend it. So what's the big opportunity here? Remember we talked about having your kids practice telling you difficult things or admitting when they messed up, and then you practice not overreacting? I would do the same thing with smartphone usage. Maybe even have a code word if your kids experience something that makes them uncomfortable.

20:20So you automatically, you go for a walk or you go for a drive. and then your kids can say, hey mom, dad, this popped up on my phone and I wanted you to know. See, that builds trust, especially when you don't overreact and it leads to a healthy discussion. Hey, does that make you uncomfortable when you see that? What could you begin doing differently? Do you think it would be wise to just delete that particular app on your phone? See, you can start to teach your kids how to navigate this new world. Now, if you put any limits on teens and tweens, they're going to be mad and complain, you're being too strict, my friend's parents don't have those roles.

20:59Your kids are not going to be happy with many of your decisions because you are being the grown-up, doing what is best for your kids when they don't know what's best for them. So just expect that and smile. So I had a very honest talk with Casey about this, I call it the normal dance of life. In case your job is to push the boundaries and crave more independence as you get older. My job is to make sure you don't make life-altering decisions while you learn to navigate this new world. I expect you to push me. Just do it respectfully and it'll work out better for you. Sometimes I will say no and you'll be angry at me for a while.

21:37I'm okay with that. Just know that when I say no it's because I love you more than my own convenience and want the best for you. So let's say your 13-year-old daughter complains that you won't let her go on dates alone with a boy, that she must stick to group activities. Well, you rightly understand the lifelong consequences that can happen with pregnancy, STDs, sexual assault, emotional manipulation. Because you've seen what happens when kids become emotionally needy with a boyfriend or girlfriend. So you stand firm and your daughter gives you the silent treatment. Not shocking. The bigger win is helping her develop a sense of purpose and confidence, which we'll get to.

22:18So maybe you discover that your teenage son has a fake ID and has begun getting drunk on the weekends. You don't need to be the cool, understanding parent who hosts parties for teens at your home. But you also don't have to be the reactive parent who turns this into some big guilt trip. You know what, how dare you do this? After all, we've sacrificed for you. So expect your son to be mad when you rightfully take away his driver's license and car keys because it would be irresponsible of you to continue letting him drive when he's been drinking. But that's not even the most important part. Anytime kids begin demanding things so strongly that they become wildly irrational, no, it's probably because a fear of missing out on something with friends, or they're trying to cover up something emotional like anxiety, sadness, depression, lack of confidence.

23:07The opportunity here is to be curious, to dig deeper. and understand what's going on inside your child so you can get to those deeper issues. This is anxiety, boredom, wanting to fit in. I would put extra energy into getting unmotivated kids involved in just one constructive activity, preferably helping another adult do something, just to get them moving in a positive way, connected to others, feeling needed or helpful because that often sparks internal motivation and reduces anxiety and loneliness, depression, etc. Now, I want to share this idea because it made me smile and cry at the same time.

23:48So mom had noticed her son was getting angry after being on screens too much. So rather than just saying, hey, we're not doing screens anymore because you can't handle it, which is perfectly reasonable and fine, she wrote this. She said, Kirk, I'm a single mom, so I appreciate the Black Friday discount. I downloaded the programs after a very challenging past couple years with my son. I've spent so much money and time on therapy for his anger, but it hasn't made a noticeable difference. And I've resisted your idea of giving him an adult responsibility because he doesn't even do his kid chores well.

24:22But listening to the programs, it kind of all came together. So I let him listen and I took a risk sharing this idea with him. and he asked mom could we pretend that I'm living in a dorm room so I have to take care of my own laundry and food sometimes and maybe I can make dinner for you on Wednesdays when you work late and the mom said I cried so hard my son my boy wanted to help me but it's like I wouldn't let him be responsible so he's been cooking and even doing some of my laundry is he getting better grades? No. Is his room still messy? Yes. And you should see the mess he makes in the kitchen now.

25:06But I haven't seen my son smile like this in years. He is so eager to please and will ask me, Mom, try this. How does it taste? He's looking up recipes online now instead of just doom scrolling aimlessly. It's like it sparks something good inside of him, something he can do well, so he feels helpful. And he heard you talk on the programs about how you guys fed the homeless, Kate, because our son Casey used to do that. And now he wants to make food for homeless people. And get this, we signed up for a cooking class together this weekend. It's like I got my son back with all of his energy and kind heart and smile.

25:48Moms and dads, that's what we are after. So thank you for working so hard at this. Be the parent your child needs you to be, and then go a step deeper to spark something inside of them. If you need help with a Black Friday sale or anything else, email Casey, C-A-S-C-Y at celebratecalm.com. All right, much respect and love to you all. Keep up the good work.