"I'm Not Going!" 5 Ways to Overcome School Refusal & Separation Anxiety #619

0:00So let's make this the school year we give our kids tools to succeed in school by working with their natural learning style and feeding their curiosity. iXL makes that so much easier. iXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum and helps any student from K to 12. With iXL, your child can explore any topic in any grade level. And no matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, iXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way they learn best while meeting them at their level. Start with a fun class first and get a win. Kids love IXL's positive feedback and parents love knowing specific skills that need work.

0:46Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Call Parenting Podcast listeners. Get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So how many of you can relate to this mom? She said, I not only have to manage the emotional temperature of the home, but my own internal temperature fluctuations. So I took a chance and I tried the Cozy Earth bamboo sheets and pajamas. Total game changer for me. No more night sweats, much deeper sleep. I wake up feeling refreshed. We love hearing that because that's our experience with Cozy Earth.

1:30Incredibly breathable, heavenly soft, cooling, and great quality. Cozy Earth gives you a 10-year warranty and 100 nights of hassle-free returns on bedding. During the hot summer, stay cool all day and night with Cozy Earth temperature-regulated bamboo shorts. I love these shorts. Tees, PJs, sheets, and their new beach towels. Cozy Earth is made from viscose from bamboo. Breathable, soft, and built for summer. So head to CozyEarth.com. Use my code CALM for an exclusive 20 % off. CozyEarth.com. Use code CALM for 20 % off. And please tell CozyEarth the CALM guy sent you. With another school year upon us, Skylight Calendar could be a game changer for your family.

2:16It can relieve the anxiety your kids have over surprises and changes because they can see their schedule and any changes to it visually. And this can be very reassuring. Plus, Skylight eliminates the need for you to verbally remind your kids about chores and appointments 12 times. For us, Skylight replaced that tangled mess of sticky notes, texts, and miscommunication with a visual game plan so you never miss an appointment, sports practice, or school event. Start the new school year feeling confident you're on top of your schedule. And you can try Skylight Calendar for four months risk-free. Families are better when they're working together.

2:57Right now, Skylight is offering our listeners$30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to myskylight.com slash parenting. Go to myskylight.com slash parenting for$30 off your 15-inch calendar. That's M-Y-S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T dot com slash parenting. So it's back to school time, and there are a lot of families out there with kids who get excited about the first day of school. They've got their new clothes on, their new backpack. They're going to have that first day of school picture where they're all happy and smiling. But if you're listening to this podcast, it's probably going to look a lot differently than that because you've got a strong willed child, a neurodivergent child, and your child is going to have a lot of anxiety over school.

3:41Some of your kids will just refuse to go. Some will cry the first few days or weeks. So how are you going to handle that? How are you going to handle the fact that your first day of school pictures are going to feature a child who is perhaps scowling or crying or just refuses to allow you to take their picture? I want to give you five very practical strategies you can use for school. And you'll be able to apply these in all different situations where your kids struggle with anxiety. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

4:17You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. Quick note, even though it's August, we decided to extend the Christmas in July sale for one week because many parents emailed and said, hey, we want to go deeper. We want to change, but we get paid on the first of the month. So can you extend this? And the answer is yes. That's why we love doing this. We're not a company or a corporation or organization. We're just a family like yours. So we get to do whatever we want to do. That's what we want to do. So this whole topic is very personal to me. When I was in kindergarten, I sat outside on the front steps for the first three days of school and just cried.

4:55Later on, I'm in middle school. I missed 34 days of school and a lot of partial days. I always ended up in the nurse's office with a stomach ache and my mom had to come pick me up from school. And I didn't know it then because nobody knew anything back then. But looking back, it was pure anxiety. And anxiety is caused by unknowns. And here's why it affects your kids so much. You have kids who tend to have very, very busy brains. Everything feels like it's out of their control. And that's why they're often controlling and bossy. They like to control the outcome of games by cheating or quitting or changing the rules.

5:33They control things by being particular about food or clothes or going to new places. Transitions and changes and plans are hard and cause great disappointment. You'll often find they put little acorns or stones in their pockets because it's something they feel in control of. That's why my first step with a really upset child is not to calm them down, but to give them something they feel in control of. And that's why when you and I are overwhelmed, what do we do? We find ourselves organizing a drawer or a closet or doing the dishes. It's something that gives us a sense of order and control And for many of your kids, school is a really hard place to navigate People are telling them what to do and how to do it all day long With time limitations and pressure Changes from one class to another And all that sensory overload Bells, kids talking, loud cafeterias Hallways bustling with people, lockers slamming it's overwhelming and intimidating socially because the popular kids are laughing and together while many of your kids navigate this overwhelming place often alone or feeling different or left out it's all beyond their control and that doesn't even take into account the fact that they don't get to choose what they're learning about and and they naturally struggle with focus attention memorizing information getting thoughts from head to paper some of your kids are slower processors of information so they can internalize that being slow means they are stupid.

7:09Some of you have kids, and by the way, I did a podcast on that back in the spring, so go back and listen to that one. Some of you have kids who have dyslexia, dysgraphia, different learning difficulties and disabilities, and that makes school really hard. Then you've got your kids who just have a lot of energy, which is a great thing, but they end up being impulsive, and they're on red on the behavior chart all the time. Even recess isn't a break for many of your kids because sometimes your kids aren't good at sports or navigating unstructured time. Some kids will have upset stomachs from the anxiety and that usually causes them to eat salty foods and simple carbs.

7:50And some of your kids, honestly, they're just plain exhausted by noon. Now, many of your kids hold it together at school for the teacher, but then they unload on you when they come home. That's why I like to have an afternoon routine to help work off that ick. Now, with that as a backdrop, let's jump into five strategies to help our kids. Number one, you've heard me say this before with just about everything. Normalize it. Normalize anxiety. Anxiety is a very normal and even healthy thing. Now, I understand it can get to where it really interferes with people's lives, but the core anxiety is very normal.

8:28It can be healthy. It lets you know there are changes coming and that you should be alert. We just know it's not healthy for your nervous system to be on high alert all the time. But anxiety is normal. So I like saying things like this. Well, of course you're anxious or nervous. You're going to a new school. You're going to be in a new grade with new teachers and new expectations and new kids in your class. This is the first time in your entire life you have experienced this. So it makes sense to me that your stomach would be upset. You could also say, hey, it would be weird if you weren't a little nervous about this.

9:04That is very settling to kids. You could also read the situation for them so they know it's normal and expected. Look, you're going to feel overwhelmed the first few days of school. It's going to be awkward figuring out your new teacher, who you might be friends with, who to sit with in the cafeteria. New things like that are always hard for a few days. Then you'll kind of get the rhythm of it. You'll meet a nice kid or two that you have some things in common with, and it'll get easier. See, that's just speaking truth to them, and they learn they can trust you. You could also share examples of your own normal anxiety.

9:43Look, I always get nervous when I start a new job. Everything's new and overwhelming at first. My new boss has different expectations and communication styles. I never know if my co-workers are going to be nice or not. So it's normal. You could say I get nervous before I meet new clients or give a new presentation at work. What if they don't like my ideas? So this is very normal. It actually helps me prepare a little more. See, that is very settling for your kids. Here's what I do not want you to do. Do not dismiss their anxiety or try to convince them that they shouldn't be anxious. never say oh it's no big deal you'll be just fine and this is really important because i think we do that with our kids and spouse because we often feel helpless to help them and sometimes we want their anxious feelings to go away because their feelings make us feel very uncomfortable so we try to kind of wave them away and dismiss them but that's not healthy and it's going to backfire Right?

10:47When we say things like, I don't know why you're nervous. I don't know why you're struggling. Your brother or sister never had any problems with that. Well, now the child begins to internalize, well, there must be something wrong with me then. And there's nothing wrong with these kids. It's very normal. Do not use your anxious tone to try to reassure them. You know what? I think you're going to have a really good day, honey. See, that fake reassuring voice actually creates even more anxiety. Trying to convince them that they're going to be okay actually heightens their anxiety because they're picking up on your anxiety.

11:26So I don't want to dismiss it, but I also don't want to reinforce it, so I normalize it. One of the worst things we have done in our society is making normal anxiety some kind of pathology or problem. Well, maybe you need to go and talk to someone about your anxiety every week, and I'm not dismissing it when your kids have severe anxiety or depression or bipolar disorder. By all means, they need to see a therapist then. But for most of these things, there's no therapist needed. There's nothing wrong. It's normal. And endlessly talking about your anxiety can create more anxiety. So just be aware of that.

12:07What we need in our society is teachers and adults and parents who can tell kids, Oh, yeah, your anxiety is completely normal. You should be nervous when you're doing something new. Oh, being a teen or tween, that should feel confusing. Number two, we said anxiety is about unknowns, so familiarity is really important for these kids. Now, if you haven't gone back to school yet, go visit the school sometime over the summer. Go out and play on the playground. Ask the principal if you can go in and let your child walk the hallways, visit the cafeteria, see where they're going to be to experience that school without all the chaos and all the stress.

12:50Let them smell things. Many of your kids are super sensory, and they'll smell things, and it throws them off. And I would ask perhaps even like, hey, can we practice the combination on the locker? Look, I don't have many dreams and nightmares, But one recurring one is that I'm struggling with a combination on my school locker and I'll be late for class. And I haven't been to school for 40 years, thankfully. So these things are real. Some of your kids, it may be giving them earbuds, little kind of noise-canceling earbuds to wear in the hallway. So all that noise isn't too overwhelming for them.

13:26But think about familiarity. Go visit the school if you can. let your child walk through the halls and get very familiar with it. By the way, quick one, I like having certain traditions in the school year, some things that are always the same. Every morning when I get up, this is what we do. When we come home from school, we always do a treasure hunt. We do this at bedtime. Traditions are very settling for our kids and just for our families. Number three, and kind of related to above, is connection. Find one adult at your child's school, who will connect personally with your child. It doesn't matter who they are, but someone who, when your child sees them, they will smile or ask your child about something important to your child.

14:10Instead of just asking about school, they can say, hey, how's your favorite football team or your pet or pepperoni pizza or dinosaurs, whatever it is that your child likes. It could be an assistant principal, someone in the office, a facilities manager, a coach, gym teacher, maybe like an art teacher, music teacher, because they're often very creative people. So when school becomes daunting or overwhelming, look, if I know there's one person there that I'll run into in the hallway or can even just go spend three minutes with them in the office or in a counselor's room, or maybe I get to school early and I do art projects for a few minutes, there's a certain comfort that comes from that familiarity and the connection.

14:54And we also want to try to find just one friend for your child. I encourage you to listen to the recent podcast on 12 ways to help kids with social skills. Because walking into school with one friend, okay, and I would, if you find that friend, carpool with that friend. Pick them up, have them pick your child up if you can. because if you walk into school with one friend, that's a lot less intimidating than walking in all by myself, seeing all these other kids talking and they're laughing. And some of those people are bigger than me and I feel so alone. You can also ask the teacher, hey, have you noticed, do you think there are any kids in class that might be a good fit, a good match for my child?

15:36Then begin with some short, fun playdates to cultivate that friendship. I always keep them short and fun because our kids can get very controlling with their friends. And so I just try to cultivate that. Okay, number four, I think, is the most effective tool you can use to combat anxiety. This summer, we've met people on the trails from all over the world. Tours underestimate how tough this elevation can be out here. so I always have extra Cure hydrating electrolyte packets with me because it provides quick, delicious, pure, and effective hydration. Cure is clinically proven to hydrate as effectively as an IV drip.

16:18Cure is also clean, natural hydration. No added sugars, no artificial ingredients like expensive sports drinks. It's just coconut water, pink Himalayan salt, and a burst of real fruit. And you don't have to compromise on anything because Cure tastes great with flavors kids and adults love. Don't mess with my berry pomegranate. Try Cure in the morning and afternoon, just like we do daily. And I bet you'll feel energized with more clarity without the crash. In exciting news, you can now get Cure Hydration at your local Target or get 20 % off at CureHydration.com with code CALM. That's CureHydration.com, code CALM.

17:00So we talked on a recent podcast about helping disorganized kids get organized as school begins. So I have an idea for you. Let your kids browse with you through Wayfair.com's huge selection of organizing tools. Let them choose bins and desk supplies they can use to feel more confident and in control of their space. I'm using Wayfair.com's 20 million verified five-star reviews to upgrade my home office where I record the podcast. Because you know how good it feels to be organized and have a place for everything. We love Wayfair because they have a huge selection of home decor and organizing items that are easy to find and order.

17:40With great prices that fit any budget and fast free shipping. Join Wayfair Rewards today and get 5 % back on every purchase. So you can start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to Wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Way fair, every style, every home. With the kids going back to school, Hungry Root's quick recipes are a savior on those busy weeknights. We just had the kids' savory beef, crispy broccoli, and fragrant jasmine rice with our nephew. This is utterly delicious, and it only took 15 minutes to prepare. Hungry Root takes the stress out of mealtime by filling your cart with personalized picks and planning your week of meals that fit your whole family's tastes and nutrition goals.

18:29It's like having a personal shopper and chef all in one, so you can spend less time planning and more time enjoying your kids. You're going to love Hunger Root as much as we do. For a limited time, get 40 % off your first order, plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungeroot.com and use code CALM. That's hungeroot.com slash calm, code calm, to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. And let me know which meals you love most. Hungeroot.com slash calm, code calm. Okay, number four, give kids a mission wherever your kids go. I want there to be another adult who gives your child a job or mission to do.

19:16And I'll tell you why that's important. When your kids wake up in the morning, they start thinking about all the unknowns. What if I'm not prepared for that test? What if I sit in the cafeteria alone or get picked on? And what if my teacher calls on me and I don't get the answer right and I'm embarrassed? What if I'm on red today and I miss the class field trip? So I would ask a teacher or assistant principal to approach your child and say, Oh, Evan, you are so good at doing X. I could really use your help. Could you come to class or school a few minutes early every morning and help me with this project?

19:50It can be a made-up job. Anything at all, like moving heavy books, organizing paper clips or papers by color, setting up computers, anything. Our kids love feeling like grown-ups. They love feeling helpful or being helpful to other adults, just not us as parents. So those words, oh, I could really use your help, those are magical words for strong-willed kids. See, now someone else needs them. Their brain is now focused on completing a very specific job, and it's something they're good at doing. This provides an opportunity for the teacher to begin the day saying, oh, good job, Evan. I appreciate your help.

20:30See, now you have just created a success. Instead of starting the day correcting the child, and that specific mission helps counter the unknowns and anxiety. This can be especially helpful after holidays or long weekends when your child's been home for a few days. Having a Monday morning tradition or mission like a treasure hunt for breakfast can help counter some of the unknowns. And you can use this to get your child to their swimming, gymnastics, martial arts, baseball practices. Always ask another adult to give your child a job. Now, you may have a child who's missed a few days or is refusing to go to school.

21:07If the principal were to say, hey, you're really good at working with computers. I could use your help in the office. Could you come by one day after school for like 30 minutes? See, that gets your child back in the building, connected with the principal, reducing some of the unknowns, but he didn't have to go back during all that chaos and noise of the regular day. And that could be a bridge to help them get back to school. You know what else is really nice to hear from another adult or teacher? You know what? I'm really glad you made it to school today. I like hearing your perspective on things because it's always original.

21:43Or, hey, I'm glad you made it today. No one really knows how much courage that takes. I'm glad you're here. See, that's a lot more motivating than, you know, if you keep missing class, I'm going to have to fail you and you're going to have to go to summer school. Connection and understanding go a long way with our sensitive kids. Now, one more quick note. In the morning, sometimes your kids just need some quiet to be left alone. When I get really anxious, I kind of dive deep inside of myself and my own head and heart, and I get very quiet because I'm trying to process the anxiety and unknowns.

22:17So get comfortable with not talking to your child in the morning if that helps them. Sometimes when your kids snap at you in the morning, I guarantee you it's because they are anxious. So just be aware of that. You know, you could try this sometime. Hey, I'm going to give you some space in the morning. Make your own breakfast. I'll just see you in the car at 724. Just try it sometime. Give them a mission, a grown-up job to do something in the morning that they're in control of. Number five, and this is critical to every single thing that we talk about. It's controlling your own anxiety. A lot of you have anxiety for so many reasons, right?

22:54Because our kids aren't living up to their potential and you see them capable of doing so much more and you're worried about their future. How are they going to be successful? and you get anxious because sometimes your kids get flustered and then you take that on yourself. And what I want to encourage is this. I don't care if you fake it at first, but adopt that even matter-of-fact tone. It's a very business-like tone that says, I'm not moved by this. I've seen it before and I'm confident and believe that you can handle this. And I'll give you an example because I just got this question on Instagram of like, how do we teach our child to ride his bike because he's afraid?

23:29back in the day when we did these camps in our home where we had like 1500 kids come to our home I think I taught probably 150 kids how to ride their bikes because I wasn't anxious about it so here's the process the kid be like well I'm really nervous and I was like well of course you're nervous you've never done this before it'd be weird if you weren't a little bit nervous and then I give them some ownership hey where do you want to do your first ride in the backyard on the sidewalk up at the soccer field. And I gave them a little bit of control over that. And some of that was so that they didn't have to be watched by other kids.

24:04And then the child would ask, well, what happens if I fall? And I was like, oh, you're going to fall. But you're going to, you'll kind of catch yourself or you might just scrape your knee. It'll be a little bit bloody, but then you'll get back up on your bike and you'll ride and you'll never be afraid of falling again. See, it's that matter of fact tone. I'm setting expectations. There's no fear. I'm speaking truth to them. and sometimes with some kids I'd actually encourage them like go ahead and fall right now and get that feeling over with because there's familiarity with that that and then I'd run beside them I'd hold on to the bike to steady them while they pedaled sometimes I would lie and say you know what you were just riding all by yourself because my tone and lack of anxiety gave them confidence so when your child has separation anxiety I don't want them picking up on your anxiety.

24:51So no more trying to convince them they're okay. You know what? I think you're really going to like this new teacher. I've heard she's really nice. And it's not very many. I'll be back in a couple hours and the school has my phone number. No, you just dumped all your anxiety on this child. So communicate confidence. And one thing you could do is ask a teacher or an assistant to come out to the carpool line, to the drop-off and say, oh, Rebecca, I'm so glad you're here. I could really use your help in class. And then they whisk your child away and then you leave and get your anxiety far away from there.

25:26So I encourage you work on your own anxiety about your child's future because the only thing it leads to is those endless lectures and that causes your kids to shut down and stop listening to you. And you've heard me say this. Your kids are not rejecting your authority. They're rejecting your anxiety because it tells them no matter what they do, it will never be good enough to please you. So see if you can relate to these two emails that I just got yesterday. A mom said, I've spent the first 35 years of my life trying to make everyone happy, manage everyone's moods, and it wears me down. I feel guilty when my kids aren't happy, and then I get resentful because I do too much for them.

26:10And it's this ugly cycle that has kept me trapped. And when I went through your 30 Days to Calm program, and if you get our Christmas in go through that program first. She said it finally hit me. I grew up walking on eggshells around my dad as a kid, and I've never stopped. But every morning now, I just recenter myself and say, I have only one goal today. It is simply to control myself. I am only responsible for my mood. And she said it is so liberating and enjoyable. And moms and dads, this isn't like, oh, I'm only responsible for my own happiness. Forget about everybody else. I don't care. No, it has nothing to do with not caring.

26:52It just means you're not being responsible for making everybody else happy. And you know what the really cool thing is? When you focus on yourself and your own response, you actually get clarity to help your kids instead of trying to just change them. And a dad wrote in very dad-like fashion, I finally realized the reason I try to control everyone and everything else is because I never mastered how to simply control myself. And he said, my wife said, I have made huge progress in the last week. No lectures, no yelling at the kids. And he said, it's really hard because for a lot of the dads, we think, well, I'm not being a dad if I'm not yelling and correcting my kids.

27:34And he said, I'm sitting in the discomfort of not fixing everything. I sit and I ask questions and it feels odd at first, but I've noticed the kids are wanting to spend more time with me. It's much more peaceful. My wife is not exhausted because she doesn't have to be the referee between me and my kids. And she said, it is so different now. And he said, that's all I've ever wanted, but I didn't know how to do it. So moms and dads, kudos to you. You're breaking generational patterns. But that's why we happily extend the Christmas in July sale, because I want to keep making progress. No need for perfection.