Kids Not Living Up To Expectations or Potential? 7 Quick Ways to Motivate Them #596

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1:01So here's another awkward but fun moment hiking in Bryce Canyon. This nice couple stops us and says, hey, aren't you the cozy earth guy? And I laugh because I'm the Calm Parenting Podcast guy. But they've heard me say we live in our cozy earth. And we did have on our cozy earth bamboo shorts, socks, and a jogger shirt that day, which is no different than every other day. The awesome thing is, once you feel the heavenly comfort of Cozy Earth bamboo draping you in luxurious comfort, you'll find yourself wearing the joggers and the clogs to run errands and meet with friends. After the hike or a long day running your kids around, nothing feels more soothing than slipping into Cozy Earth joggers and clogs.

1:45It's like getting a relaxing massage. Cozy Earth goes where your day goes. Head to CozyEarth.com. Use code CALM for 20 % off. Please mention that you heard about Cozy Earth from the CALM Parenting Guy. That's CozyEarth.com slash CALM or code CALM for 20 % off. So many of our neurodivergent ADHD and PDA kids struggle with school refusal this time of year because they're emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted. So I encourage you to check out IXL as a positive alternative at IXL.com slash Kirk. IXL is an online learning program that can be used by any student from K to 12. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level.

2:30They're not forced into a single learning path. And IXL allows our kids to learn at their own pace and be independent. For kids like ours, the best learning is fun and interactive. We know so many kids who love IXL because their video tutorials and games just help kids feel smart and successful. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. Do you ever wonder why your kids fight you so much, even over little things?

3:14Have you ever noticed that the more you care about something, the less your kids do and the more they resist? Have you noticed that you cannot push these strong-willed kids? You must lead them and draw them. Have you noticed they often reject what you want first until they can touch the hot stove and own it themselves? themselves ever notice the more you try to get them to move the slower they go in the morning your anxious voice come on get up gotta go school school school let's go will cause them to dive under the sheets they are not rejecting you they are rejecting your parental anxiety so that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode the calm parenting podcast so welcome this is kirk martin founder celebrate calm and you can find us at celebrate calm.com or on instagram and TikTok at Calm Parenting Podcast.

4:04So after 25 years of doing this, I believe 100 % that our biggest enemy as parents is not our kids, not society, not schools. It is our own anxiety, our control issues, our reactivity. Those are the three things I struggled with most. But when I finally learned how to control them, the power struggles dissipated. I was able to de-escalate situations more quickly and effectively. I could slow my world down inside to problem solve and all my relationships improved, including my relationship with myself. And the good news is we can only control one thing in life ourselves. In the 30 Days to Calm program, I go through 10 concrete action steps to get to the root of our issues and begin breaking negative patterns.

4:57In this podcast, I'm going to focus solely on the very first step because it will change your home quickly if you put some energy into this over the summer. Now, if you have our Get Everything package and haven't done so yet, then use this as an opportunity. Go through the 30 Days to Calm workbook and challenge. Be honest and compassionate with yourself as you go through this. You are breaking deeply ingrained response patterns that affect just about everything you do in life. So step number one, control your own personal and parental anxiety. There are two parts to this anxiety in my experience.

5:38Now I personally struggle with my own anxiety of feeling like when is the other shoe going to drop even though things are going well. It lives in my stomach. It occasionally causes this general feeling in the background of being on high alert for something. It's not debilitating, but it is aggravating and it does upset my stomach at times. I think some of this stems from my experience as a kid. Now, we covered childhood trauma a bit back in February. I don't use this as an excuse. It's just an explanation that makes sense. I was a really sensitive kid whose antenna was up wondering when my dad was going to attack my mom verbally or physically.

6:22When I'd hear my mom's screeches. The outbursts and anger came from nowhere and out of the blue. So I think that's part of it. I couldn't predict it. Plus, I just don't like little unknowns and new experiences. so my first automatic response to being asked to do anything new is almost always no. And many of your kids exhibit that same reflexive no. They're just buying a little time to process and consider their options. And if I'm anxious and on edge, it can cause me to be short, to snap at my family. It can cause me to look inward too much because I'm trying to control my own anxiety and everything else.

7:06so I'm looking too inward so I'm not present with my loved ones it can cause me to be controlling and I know that when I'm feeling sick physically I get very particular about things around the house and I want everything just so I can become very picky that's because when I get the sense that my body is out of order so to speak I try to create order outwardly usually at the expense of relationships and that's not cool. So knowing that you're like that, good. Okay, now I can deal with that. So you've heard me say a million times our primary goal is always to control ourselves first. It's the key to everything.

7:49And I know if I proactively work on alleviating my anxiety, everyone around me benefits. So I normalize the anxiety instead of denying it or feeling guilty about it. It just is. It's normal. So I deal with it. I set aside even two minutes in the morning to reflect and go through my daily affirmations because that grounds me. The daily affirmations include gratitude, a recognition that everything just doesn't have to be solved now, that in the larger picture, everything's okay, that I don't have to control people or things. This is where personal faith comes into play to provide perspective and reassurance, Physical exercise and fresh air are key for me.

8:35Having a physical goal, pushing myself a bit can work off some of that ick. And if you follow us on Instagram, you'll notice I hike a lot. And it's the best therapy ever. So figure out what works for you. I also like to do the opposite of what my anxiety is compelling me to do. So next time you're in a rush, purposefully allow one person to cut in front of you at the grocery store, the post office, in traffic. When you're feeling really tight financially, even give a small amount of money to another person who needs it. It releases something inside of you and gives you a sense of power back. Now, the anxiety that attacks almost every parent on the planet is our anxiety about our child's future.

9:21Every good parent gets anxious about whether their child is going to be successful and happy. But your anxiety never, ever helps or works. In fact, anxiety causes the exact opposite response that you want from your kids. You've seen this. When you begin the morning rushing your kids, they can hear it in your voice, and that's why they dive back under the sheets. When you say, move, move, get to the car, instead of running more quickly, your kids move more slowly. Why? Because they know when you and I are in that anxious mode, nothing they do will please you. They are not rejecting your authority.

9:56They are rejecting your anxiety. When you lecture your kids constantly, it backfires. They ignore you and discount what you say. The more words you use, the less valuable they become. When you get on your kids about every little thing, they don't thank you for being so conscientious. They fight you. When you react to them pushing your buttons, they are now in control of you. The truth is that you and I create so many power struggles over issues that don't matter, all because of our own anxiety. When you lecture, it sends this message to your kids. I don't trust you to make a good decision, so I'm going to keep badgering you.

10:41You can't actually do it on your own. After all, what would I do if I didn't have to be responsible for you? See, this isn't really about you, son or daughter. It's about me. You're saying this with your lectures. I don't really believe you can be successful. So I spend 95 % of my energy trying to fix what's wrong with you instead of spending that time cultivating your natural gifts and passions. Because of my anxiety over your future, I am going to harp on you over and over again. So no, I don't trust that you have what it takes. And I'm more worried about my own legacy because if you don't turn out well, then I will have been a failure and I can't live with that.

11:29You're also saying this, by the way, there's no blaming guilt in this, right? It's just what we do. And I want to point it out so we can say, oh, I need to change that. We're also saying this, the problem isn't really yours, it's mine. I have this vision of how life was supposed to be and I feel compelled to make our family life perfect, but I can't. And so I'm going to try to make all these little insignificant things just so because that will give me the illusion that things are actually okay. Now, if you have a strong-willed child, they're likely not going to live up to your expectations. They may do the bare minimum to get by.

12:10They may appear selfish. They don't try their hardest. They fight you over everything, and they make even easy things difficult. Your child may procrastinate, be impulsive, disorganized and unmotivated so your natural response is to project into the future and think how is this child ever going to be successful who is going to marry this child who is going to hire this child right have you ever thought that of course you have and this can begin early in preschool when your child can't sit still in circle time it will flare up when you notice that your middle schooler sits in the same hoodie for 18 straight days playing video games.

12:52This is all normal, but if not checked, your parental anxiety can have devastating effects because our anxiety causes us to focus relentlessly on all of our child's weaknesses and negative traits. We lecture and micromanage. If you would just deploy yourself, you're capable of so much more. I want you to try your hardest at everything. Recognize that's an unrealistic expectation that none of us keep. You don't try your hardest at everything. Only the things you care about. That's the way it's supposed to work. But we want our kids to try their hardest at things we care about. And I promise you once you step back and give them space they will step up.

13:38But not if you are micromanaging them and being responsible for them because this causes your child to shut down or resist even harder. What they know is they can never satisfy our parental anxiety. Nothing they do will ever please us. This focus, constant, relentless focus on their negatives creates endless power struggles in a kid who's not confident and it will ultimately destroy the relationship. Not to mention, it won't motivate your kids. Okay, so let's reverse this now. Here are seven action steps that are doable. So let's begin these. So how many of you are like us, and you end up not using your outdoor space because the patio or porch is an eyesore, that old grill doesn't work?

14:29We have long winters here, so we have to maximize our outdoor time in the spring and summer. So here's what we did. We went to Wayfair.com. First, we got party lights to string outside. Why? Because it makes the space festive. It invites us outdoors more. And then we found this comfy bench with storage underneath. It's kind of the perfect mix of comfort and convenience. It's one reason we love Wayfair. We can find everything for outdoors and indoors in one place. Plus, we always get fast, free, reliable shipping with Wayfair. So, how can you transform your outdoor space within your budget? Get prepared for patio season for way less.

15:10Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair. Every style, every home. So if you come out west this summer, email me. We'll try to hike with you. And one essential thing you'll find in my backpack is Cure hydrating electrolyte packets. I actually carry them for distressed hikers because Cure has proven to hydrate as effectively as an IV drip. The reason we love Cure is that it's an easy, clean, natural way to instantly change water into a delicious, refreshing drink that gives us a clean energy boost without the crash. I've gotten several Instagram messages from parents who say they've switched their kids from drinking those expensive sports drinks that are loaded with sugar and food dyes to enjoying the fun Cure Kids flavors.

16:02It's finally something delicious you can actually feel good about giving your kids. That's why we keep Cure packets in our car, backpacks, and book bags. Go to curehydration.com. Use promo code CALM for 20 % off your first order. That's curehydration.com, code calm for 20 % off your first order. Springtime means more visitors, packages, and activity around the house. That's why we use Cove Home Security System. It's simple. It's affordable. I set it up in less than 30 minutes. Cove adds that extra peace of mind we enjoy when we're away from the house longer than we intended. You know those days when you work late or you end up at the hospital with your child.

16:43Or sports activities that run late. It's just reassuring to know you have live video and audio streaming right to your phone so you can see what's happening in real time. Cove is easy to set up yourself, and professional monitoring starts at less than$1 per day. Start this spring season off right. Order your Cove system today at covesmart.com. Head to covesmart.com. slash CPP or use code CPP at checkout for up to 70 % off your first order. And please let them know you heard about Cove from our podcast. I think you're really going to like this. Okay, number one, simply acknowledge this pattern is happening in your home.

17:29Why do these traits irritate you or make you concerned about your child's future? Is it because you don't want your child making the same mistakes you did? That's a big one for me. is it because your kids embarrass you is it simply because you're afraid they won't be successful or they'll be rejected those are all normal number two address this with your child if appropriate hey does it seem like i'm always lecturing and micromanaging you okay i need to apologize for that that's my issue not yours don't grovel don't go on and on about it your kids don't want to hear you talking all the time. Just acknowledge it because that's truth.

18:08That is sometimes validating or healing for your child and introduces some accountability to you to change. Number three, the best apology is actually changing your behavior. So let's begin here. For the next week, I want you to simply affirm your kids for what they are already doing well. Just notice and recognize this. Look, praise is simply a statement of fact. And make it specific. When you want to lecture about your child's future, praise and create a different vision instead. Specific concrete praise is effective at changing your child's behavior. It also will help you build a closer relationship and alleviate your anxiety because you begin to see your child differently.

18:55differently. So let's find two good choices your child has made. Use specific, matter of fact, praise. Keep it short and sweet. Plant a lot of little seeds, then walk away and give it time to sink in because you know your kids don't like overt praise. They reject it. Hey, when your sister looked at you, said that to you, you walked away. That shows me you're growing up. Hey, I noticed you lost at that board game earlier. I heard you start to complain, but then you caught yourself and said good game to your brother. Man, a lot of adults can't even do that. Proud of you. Hey, I know that you took that money off the counter, but later you brought it back and apologized.

19:30That's a mature way to handle it. That's a really good way to do it, right? Even simple things. A little fist bump. I sometimes just give Casey a fist bump. Look, he's a grown man now. There are times where occasionally I just give him a fist bump when he's made a good choice or done something well, and that goes a long way. Notice when they have used their creativity, ingenuity, their leadership, compassion, that pig-headed determination and problem solving. Find areas in which your kids excel. As you begin doing this, you will change how your kids view themselves and how you view them and their future.

20:08And I know, you know what, as a guy at first, I was like, well, if I just praise my son, he's going to get soft and won't even try harder. You know what I learned? The more I recognized what Casey was doing well, the harder he worked for me. And man, it feels so much better than just being irritated and critical all the time. Men, by the way, stop the criticism. It is not motivating. Your kids will shut down. It doesn't work. Number four, use this phrase a lot. I believe you're capable. Hey, I believe you're capable of using your creativity to overcome your own boredom. I believe you're capable of using that great brain of yours to figure this out, to problem solve, to come up with a solution without me having to fix it or micromanage you.

20:57Begin using this phrase when they're young. I believe you're capable. Number five, every time you get that urge to lecture or micromanage, sit down, just sit, or focus on something you can control in the moment that isn't them or another human. Organize a closet or a drawer. Do dishes. Clean a shelf. But begin to catch yourself. Look, early on, I asked Casey to use a code word when I began to lecture because lecturing was second nature to me, and I needed a reminder until I learned how to catch myself. Number six, begin to write notes and speak positive words about your child's future. Even if you don't fully believe it yet.

21:40I remember a huge breakthrough. Look, I used to get so frustrated about Casey playing Call of Duty 2. He's sitting in his hoodie sweatshirt and he played stupid video games. And I wanted him outside doing all the things I did as a kid. I thought he was never going to do anything productive in life. And then I realized he did exhibit many of the traits necessary for success in life. not just how or when I wanted, not with schoolwork or chores or cleaning his room, but he did it when he was playing his video games. And I said, Casey, you are goal-oriented, driven, persistent, and a leader. You know when I see those traits?

22:24When you're playing video games, because you never give up. You don't do your homework or chores or eat or sleep until you've gotten to the next level. I'm kind of kidding there. What that tells me is when you care about something, oh, you are goal-oriented, driven, and persistent. Isn't that true? Look, when your kids are helping other people, a neighbor, they're often exhibiting all these traits. They're conscientious. They focus. They follow through. They're polite. Notice that. And I told Casey, I see you being a leader when you play. One day when you get a vision for your life, oh, you're going to use all these traits.

23:07You're going to crush it in life. And then I walked out of the room and drank. I'm kidding. I don't drink. But you'll just feel like it, right? But the truth is your kids do exhibit these traits, just not with chores and schoolwork and things you care about. So you have to be the grown-up and see that. You have to fight your parental anxiety and not dump that on your kids because now you are creating a vision of who they can be, who they will be, just not who they are in this moment. That is one of your big battles and you can do that. You have to choose to do it. Look at them differently. Number seven, perspective.

23:47Your strong-willed kids are often just not very good at the kid world, but they are great in the adult world. I used to joke that Casey was virtually useless as a kid but if you gave him an adult responsibility he was conscientious other adults loved him and the good news is you're not raising a child to be a child you are raising them to be responsible adults so notice that remind yourself of that give them adult jobs put them in situations in which they succeed now if you stop listening now and you just worked on this alone for the next week, it would make a big difference immediately. So let's do this.

24:30But I'm going to add one more goal for you to work on this week because it's kind of related. I want you to practice imperfection every day because many of you struggle with this. I struggled with this for 35 years. It was an inheritance from my childhood and a dad who was never happy with us unless we did everything perfectly. And it nearly destroyed my relationship with my family and it kept me from enjoying my life. It's an evil, evil thing to me. So I have little tolerance for it. Now, you must begin to practice imperfection daily, right? Do everything with excellence, but do small things imperfectly on purpose.

25:09Look, you're gonna know I try to model this. On the podcast, I mess up, I misspeak, I do things wrong and I leave that. And I began as I used to record all of our downloadable programs in a recording studio. and we used to go back and fix things and re-record. But if you listen to them now, because I constantly update all of our programs with new content, you'll hear me misspeak and you'll hear me flub things and go back. I do that on purpose to free myself from constantly thinking, well, I have to do everything perfectly. So purposefully leave a couple dishes in the sink overnight. Just a couple, not all of them.

25:48I'm a realist. write a note and send it even though you had to scratch something out or maybe not that's a tough one you make a meal and it's not complete it's good but instead of fixing two side dishes you only fix one you don't turn the clothes right side out when doing laundry your kids can do that do i do that when moms and dads when you just deliver it to the room whatever you do and and Let them unfold. Let them do some of this. And you just do that. Look, this past year, we kept our Christmas tree a little off center. Why? Because it's just a little signal that says our lives can be happy and complete and we don't have to do everything perfectly.

26:35As you begin to practice imperfection consistently, you'll learn to be content when everything isn't just so. and I guarantee your kids and spouse will thank you. Practice it in small bites and then take a deep breath and live with it and sit in it. We went through that with messes. Sometime today, this weekend, sit in the midst of a little bit of a mess. Sit in it without it triggering you. Okay, we've got our mission for the week, moms and dads. Begin working through this action plan. You can do this. It feels so good to be free from personal and parental anxiety. And it will change your kids' responses and behavior very quickly.

27:18I promise the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. So just change yourself. If you're ready to do a deep dive into this, take advantage of the summer sale at CelebrateCalm.com. Let's get a new, look, you can have a new family life over the summer. By the end of the summer, just by working on this. since you're not going to be fighting over homework all summer, work on yourself. Work on this stuff as a family. Listen to the Strong Willed Child Program first and the 30 Days to Calm. And then you can go through the rest of them. Let your kids listen to the Straight Talk for Kids program from Casey so they can learn how to control themselves and their emotions over the summer.

27:59It's really cool. If we can help in any way, let us know. Okay, love you all. I believe you're capable of controlling your own anxiety and practicing imperfection. I believe you're capable because you are. Okay. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.