Kids Who Complain, Relatives Who Judge, Parents Who Are Overwhelmed #496

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2:00Kirk Martin:You're going to love Cozy Earth as much as we do. Do you ever get judged by relatives because your strong-willed child doesn't behave the right way? How can you prepare your kids for the unknowns of family vacation? What do you say when kids are bored or complain the entire time? How can you get grandparents and relatives to be constructive instead of judgmental? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. And you can find us in our big summer sale at CelebrateCalm.com. Thank you for not sending long emails right now.

2:37Casey and I are enjoying our father-son hiking trip together. And this is a once-in-a-lifetime dream for me, so thank you. Family vacation means your kids are going to be off their schedule. They're going to be exhausted and overwhelmed. They're going to be eating awful food. They're going to have massive tantrums and meltdowns right in front of your family members who have the perfect children, and you're going to get judged. Doesn't it sound awesome? So I want to make this different. So this is a special kind of last-minute bonus podcast episode for a couple special Instagram families about to dive into a week-long family vacation.

3:14So forgive me if this isn't polished, but hopefully you can apply these principles to managing family issues throughout the year, and some of you have grandparents living with you. So you're probably equally excited about and dreading the family vacation with your relatives, because everybody's going to be together. At home, sometimes you have to manage the emotions of your kids and spouse, which is hard enough. But now you have in-laws and your own parents and siblings watching you parent a strong-willed child who is at times unparentable. So on top of that, vacations aren't always a vacation for some parents, moms, who take on extra responsibilities.

3:58You come home more exhausted needing an actual vacation. So how can we manage this time better than we have in the past? I want to give you some very, very practical ideas. is I'm going to break it into three parts for handling your kids, helping them, handling kind of that general time together, and then some talks, some scripts, some strategies you can use with your extended family. So let's talk about your kids first. You have kids who struggle with unknowns and unfamiliar things, causes anxiety, so let's plan ahead. Pull up a layout of the vacation rental ahead of time so your child can see the floor plan, perhaps see which bedroom will be his or hers.

4:38You can pull up Google Maps and look at the surrounding area. Where are their favorite stores or fun places you can retreat to? Put your strong-willed child in charge of coming up with some alternative activities. Maybe there are some concerts in the park, jet skis, a rock climbing place, something they are into. Our kids also like more grown-up activities and responsibilities. So would your child want to put together a grocery list? Be responsible for being grandma's porter with her luggage. Maybe making signs for each bedroom with people's names on it because that provides a certain amount of order.

5:17They get to do something creative. Maybe it's cooking a meal one day. Looking up fun things to do. Have them come up with a rainy day plan. Your kids like to plan ahead like that. And it gives them some sense of control when everything's kind of out of control. Many of you have kids who will complain the entire vacation all day, every day. And then two weeks later, when the grandparents ask, hey, how was vacation? You'll hear your strong-willed child say, grandma, that was the best vacation ever. And you're going to be in the other room thinking, wait, what? All you did was complain the entire time.

5:58I want you to know, and I mean this 100%, this is not a gratitude issue. I am very clear about gratitude. It is a superpower in life, and it is best taught simply by modeling, by living it out, not by obnoxious lectures. You know what? It's really important to be grateful. No. Live it out in your daily life. Model it. Let your kids see how you handle disappointment and adversity in life. But that's not what this is about. This is about kids who are verbally and emotionally very expressive. It's not an excuse for it. It's not like, oh, we just have to coddle our children. No, it's just understanding the way they're made.

6:43And when they encounter even a small disappointment, they vent immediately and it's often overblown. They catastrophize. Great, now the whole day, the whole week is going to be ruined. And maybe you're married to someone who does that, like my wife. So do not correct them right away. Do not try to make it better. Do not try to explain it or convince them that everything's going to be okay. Because that's annoying. And your child's constant complaining when you're trying to do something very nice and expensive for them is annoying. But it's how they process emotions. And in some ways it's better than just bottling it all up.

7:25Our son is the same way. He got that trait from me. And yet he is one of the most grateful people I know. So it's not a gratitude issue. Relax with that. Sometimes people like us catastrophize because we are setting and managing expectations. So we say the whole day is going to be ruined. And then when it's not, well, that's a win. So here are several different options for responding that don't involve a snotty lecture about gratitude or you trying to make everything better because I want to free you from doing that, being responsible for everybody in the home. One, you can simply ignore it and know it will pass.

8:06And that's a perfectly fine option. You could, and I do suggest this, match their intensity. You know what? That really does stink when that happens. Man, I hate when my plans get changed at the last minute. Sometimes that intense validation feels really good. They feel heard. Now, I like this one a lot after school and on vacation because some of your kids vent hardcore. So here's what I would say. Hey guys, here's what we're going to do. I am going to give you seven and a half minutes to vent. Now, seven and a half minutes is an arbitrary number, but I like it because it's between five and ten.

8:46It gives them enough time to vent, but it's not too long and there is an end to it. It's very specific, seven and a half, which means you've thought it through and that you're serious. And specificity is very grounding for kids when they are upset. So, son or daughter, I'm going to give you seven and a half minutes to vent about everything you don't like about your day at school or about this vacation. You can tell me everything and I will listen. But after seven and a half minutes is up, no more. Then we either move on or we problem solve how to fix things. Got it? See, you're giving them an opportunity to vent.

9:22You're not shutting them down, but within your boundaries and with a clear end point. And then I would refuse to listen to any more venting after that. Now, if something happened at school that's really emotional or there's a big relationship issue that's important and a true issue, well, don't cut them off at seven and a half minutes. But if this is just venting, seven and a half is just fine. You choose the time. You have every right to say, hey, I like that you get your feelings and frustrations out, but not everyone wants to hear about it. And you can add this, and the world doesn't revolve around you.

10:01There's nothing wrong with saying, hey, whole world doesn't revolve around you. I'm not being snotty. It's just a statement of fact. The world does not revolve around you. So if you're going to vent, come do it alone with me while we go for a walk, while we sit in our room, while you take a bath, so everyone else doesn't have to hear it. That's teaching appropriate respect for others. Now, at some point, I would ask, hey, I'm curious, are you really unhappy right now? Or is this just how you process disappointment? disappointment because it would be really helpful for you to know, but also really helpful for them to have that self-awareness to know, oh, I do this.

10:43This is how it could possibly affect others. And maybe there's a more positive way I could do this. Or this is okay for me to vent like this, but I'm not just a negative, ungrateful jerk. Look, I often tell parents, sometimes give yourself like the next three hours or a day to have a pity party, right? Have the pity party, but give yourself a time limit for it. And so sometimes that's a really healthy thing to do. Okay, quick anecdote, side note. So a couple months ago, Casey texted me about this blood test he had to do, and it meant fasting overnight well into the next day. Plus he couldn't drink water, even brush his teeth in the morning, which is gross.

11:26And he was venting and catastrophizing. and I remember I was at the gym on this weight machine and my parental impulse even though he's a grown adult was to say oh I don't think it's going to be that bad but why do we do that why do we need things to be better for them or have them not complain and so I caught myself because I try to live this out and I texted back that stinks I'd hate that and guess what he was done he just wanted someone to agree that it was going to be awful and I did agree because it was awful but he lived through it. Okay, one more for your kids. When they are inevitably bored, do not own it or fix it or react to it.

12:05You can go old school and say, oh, if you're bored, we've got some cleaning we need some help with. But mainly I want you to put it in their court. Wow, boredom stinks. So what are you going to do to solve your boredom? Don't try to make it better. Don't apologize. Oh, I'm sorry. Or you could just say, hey, I believe you're capable of using your creativity and imagination to solve your boredom. And then you walk out of the room. If you have younger kids, you can make a suggestion. You know what? I bet your grandma could use some help right now or why don't you create a birthday card for her? Okay, let's develop plans for when your family is all together.

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14:03Kirk Martin:Perfect portion size with amazing sauces. So I can make dinner that's honestly more delicious than most restaurants with healthy ingredients at a fraction of the cost in less than 15 minutes with virtually no cleanup. It makes mealtime fun without the stress. You're going to love Hungry Root as much as we do. For a limited time, get 40 % off your first order. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. So go to HungryRoot.com and use code CALM. That's HungryRoot.com to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. You are going to get judged. And relatives are going to whisper behind your back, no matter what you do.

14:50So you may as well do what works for your family. Trust your instincts, moms and dads. You know your child and your kids best. You know your family best. Do what works for you. Plan time away from extended family. You have strong-willed kids who are not going to be on a normal sleep schedule. So they're going to be tired. They're going to be eating junk food all day. They're going to be overstimulated by older cousins and all the noise and chaos. So it's overwhelming. And you know that leads to big meltdowns and tantrums right in front of old school grandparents and your brother and sister-in-law who have perfect children.

15:27So plan alone time. Go your own way for a few hours, especially right in the middle of the week after a few days when everybody's getting on each other's nerves. Hey, I'm going to run to the grocery store. Anybody need anything? And then come back like four hours later after letting your kids play at a local park or sit and read or just have a quiet lunch with you somewhere fun. This has always been my go-to because everybody always needs something from the grocery store. It gives me an opportunity to be helpful but also escape for a little while. By the way dads, this doesn't mean you go alone for four hours.

16:04Take one of the kids. I know all these tricks. So if you're at the beach, go for a long walk. If you have an ecologically minded kid, take trash bags and walk down the beach picking up trash. Well, but my parents paid for this vacation and I feel obligated to spend every minute together. Well, you're just going to have to grow up and break that pattern. And I know this is really hard. They don't get to use guilt and manipulation on you unless you allow it. And I know you've probably experienced this since you were a little kid, but you have to break free of that for yourself, for your spouse, for your kids, and also for your parents.

16:46They're grown adults. And if they pay so they can control you, then I would pay your own way or just have that tough talk. I did that with my dad. This was exactly what my dad did. And it ruined it. So I eventually just said, we're paying for our own way. You can be honest and open with family. Look, my kids are tired and overstimulated, and so am I. so we're going to go out for a couple hours to decompress anybody need anything while we're out see you later this afternoon that's just honesty and then that gives the rest of the family time to talk behind your back but at least you don't have to hear it so this is what we did one year and it threw everybody into turmoil we were having a great day at the beach it was perfect sunshine everybody everybody was beginning to pack up later in the afternoon and head up to get ready for dinner.

17:38And I said, it is so relaxing. The weather's perfect. The kids are having such a good time. We're going to stay at the beach for a few more hours and then we'll snack on something later. And everybody said, that's a really great idea. You guys enjoy your time. Yeah, that's not what happened. Everybody started making faces and grumbling and whispering and talking about blah, blah, blah. So I said, you guys go have an amazing time. We get one week per year at the beach and we want to take advantage of this. I did not offer for them to stay and eat subs on the beach with us because we wanted the alone time and that way they could all eat dinner together feeling superior to us and talking about us freely and this is really important.

18:25When you do this you will begin to understand what it feels like to be the strong-willed child who feels like the black sheep of the family, the one who is misunderstood, which is how your strong-willed kids feel like all the time. So do that this year. It's your family time. And you may say, well, what about our extended family? Isn't that rude to change plans? I'm not talking about missing grandpa's 75th birthday dinner. They're all grown adults. Let them manage their own disappointment and judgment. You've been coddling them and walking on eggshells around your family, trying to please them and not make them upset since you were a little kid for maybe 20, 30, 40 years.

19:12And you may be doing that with your spouse as well. It's time to break that pattern so you can be free, so you can enjoy your life, so you can have self-respect inside that says, I'm a grown woman. I'm a grown man. I know what is best for my family and that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to stop managing the emotions of everybody else. I'm going to stop trying to make everybody else happy in the family. That is not your responsibility. They need to stop using guilt trips on you and manipulating you. They don't respect you and they won't until you stand up for yourself and demonstrate self-respect for yourself and your family.

20:02Look, saying no to your parents and siblings may be one of the hardest things you ever do. It's going to feel like you're not honoring them, like you were taught as a kid, but they use that as manipulation, right? Why don't we put the responsibility on them to be gracious and mature and not manipulate you? Look, I'm getting to that point where I'm going to be that grandpa one day. We have a grown son who is married, and so I'm the father-in-law now. And we tread very lightly, and we make sure that we honor them. They're a young married couple. We're the grown ones who are mature adults. So it's not like, when are you going to spend time with us?

20:47Why can't we do it? No, that's just petty. And your parents and other people are acting like big babies. So I want you to feel comfortable. Well, you won't feel comfortable. I want you to feel uncomfortable, actually. But I want you to do this. Because if you do, you will have done the right thing for your family. You have modeled for your kids how to have courage graciously and stand up for yourself and put on good boundaries. And you will remember that day and evening on the beach for years like we do. Now, if you struggle with this, if you have our programs, go through the mom's program, the dad's program, and the calm couple's program because we go through this in great detail simply because it's so important.

21:29Okay, here's another one. If your kids need a certain diet that works best for them, bring your own food. If you have little kids who don't sit well at the table or you have picky eaters, Let them eat early and play while you're all enjoying your adult time at the table. Don't make it harder than it has to be. Don't give in to peer pressure. Be ruthless in trusting your instincts and knowing what works for your kids and your family. And when you have those conflicting feelings inside of you between, oh, I know what my instincts are, but I've got guilt or pressure from relatives, trust your gut instincts and do that.

22:05Now, there are times you have to read the moment. And there are times where I'd made a roar decision about something with Casey, but I knew he was tired or hungry or not in a good emotional place. But I didn't want to back down because then I would appear like a wuss in front of my brothers and parents. And then they'd say, see, you let that kid get away with too much. If you would just lay down the law, he wouldn't act up like this. And when Casey was little, before I developed some courage and wisdom, I'd give in to the peer pressure and the situation would predictably escalate in front of everyone But then I grew up a bit and I learned to read the moment There are times to be tough There are times to draw a line in the sand and not give an inch When you're relaxed and calm and patient When your child isn't overwhelmed or overtired And then there are times when you read the moment and say This is not the time to fall on my sword I'm exhausted my child is tired so I'm going to use wisdom and we used to have a secret code word or signal As parents planned ahead of time.

23:13So look when you get these tricky moments Everybody's looking at you. You can look over to your spouse for reassurance and have an exit strategy planned Oh, honey, I just remembered I could really use some help upstairs fixing something opening something help me make the bed Could you come upstairs and help me? See that gives you an exit now you can go talk in private There are times when you just need to get through the day, through the night, to live to play another day when everybody is more fresh. Okay, so how do we talk to family? Look, you don't owe anyone an explanation. The onus is on others to be gracious and supportive, not judgmental and unsupportive.

23:49You could be straightforward and say, hey, I know our parenting looks different than what you guys did. I try to take what you did really well and also blend it with what works best with our strong-willed child. And I know you have all repeatedly said, hey, we just need to give them consequences. But we've done that the right way. And our kids just simply don't care. And if they object to that, you can be snarky and combative if you wish. And I know some of you, you will be. Some of you are like that. Being calm doesn't mean you're a doormat and you don't have to be on the defensive. All right, extended family.

24:22If you want our family to be about correcting each other's behavior, I'm all in. because you all don't respond to consequences. Mom, Dad, you eat unhealthy food. You're overweight, even though there are dire consequences for that. Uncle Frank drinks too much, and Aunt Sally is so judgmental, it's made her age. Now, some of these are just fun conversations to have in your head or with your spouse to blow off steam. What I would really focus on is something constructive. I know you guys love your grandkids, your nephew, your niece. If you really want to help us, here are concrete ways you can do that.

24:57Number one, your grandchild is really bright but struggles in school and everyone only talks about school, but your grandchild is amazing at seeing in three dimensions, building really cool things, seeing patterns, creating, drawing, writing their own music, building robots, understanding black holes and electromagnetic currents, whatever it is. Could you begin asking your grandchild, your nephew, your niece, about things they're curious about? Grandpa, you're really into X. Why not ask your grandson or granddaughter to come help you build or fix that? Because I'd really like you to see them shine doing what they love instead of just pointing out the things they aren't good at.

25:38Number two, we could all use your wisdom. You guys have lived rich, long lives. Surely you have met some wildly successful adults and entrepreneurs who share the same traits as your grandchildren. So tell them stories about these interesting people and how they use their curiosity, their willingness to take risks. They were big dreamers. They were creators. Tell them stories about how that made them wildly successful. Now, this is another snarky one, but when the family brings up school and grades, if your child doesn't excel in that area, you can redirect conversation to the robot your child built or someone they helped with their big heart.

26:19If you want to be snarky when your relatives brag about their perfect child and bring up school to rub it in You could say oh how quaint that your child is able to sit still all day and follow people's arbitrary rules Our son built a working robot but memorizing rote facts is pretty special too Now you don't have to say that but it's fun to imagine at times and it does give you perspective of what you really are about Three instead of trying to fix them I'd want your family to understand your kids and what makes them tick, what their strengths are, what their weaknesses are. So guys, if you really want to help, listen to these two specific episodes of this podcast.

26:57It doesn't have to be mine. It's just one you like, but it should be mine. I'm kidding. This guy explains what's going on in their brains really well. I think you'll find it interesting. And then share a couple episodes of your favorite podcast that you found helpful. ask your strong-willed child to help the grandparents load the podcast app on their phones if you have our programs simply email us with your relative's email address and we'll send them access to all the programs via the app and that way they can listen alongside you on their own but they'll be on the same page or you can say mom dad you're always asking how you can help could you buy us this guy's programs they're on a huge summer sale and it's way cheaper than therapy And then everybody in the family can listen.