Kids Who Get Angry, Say "I'm Stupid" or Shut Down When You Remind or Correct Them? #572

0:00With our kids, flexibility without added pressure always works best. That's why I encourage you to have your kids join over 15 million other students who use IXL. IXL is an award-winning online learning platform that you can customize for your child's learning style and your busy spring schedule. IXL can be used by any student from K-12, whether they're struggling in a particular subject or homeschooling. So let IXL help you finish the year strong and build your child's confidence with school. iXL personalizes learning for each child, keeps them engaged, and gives parents clear insight into progress.

0:39Whether reviewing earlier concepts or tackling new material, iXL adapts to each child's pace with no pressure. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get iXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an iXL membership when you sign up today at iXL.com. slash Kirk. Visit ixl.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. Moms and dads, you're on your feet all day. You never stop moving. So pamper your feet in the literally grounding comfort of Cozy Earth Essential Socks. Soft, breathable, and thoughtfully cushioned to support you from your first step until you finally drift off under your luxuriously soft Cozy Earth Bamboo sheets like 20 ,000 steps later.

1:25Last year, I hiked 1 ,200 miles in my Cozy Earth Essential socks, while Mrs. Calm loves the adorable plush sock designs and comfort. And I'll share a sleep tip for you as a bonus. We've been sleeping with the Cozy Earth Stretch Knit Bamboo Sleep Mask. Some nights, I don't even cover my eyes. I just love the sensory pressure while I'm sleeping. Try that with your kids, especially your sensory kids. It's amazing. So discover the supreme comfort, craftsmanship, and heavenly softness for yourself. Head to CozyEarth.com and use my code CALM for up to 20 % off. That's CozyEarth.com, code CALM for 20 % off.

2:04And please tell them the CALM guy sent you. How many of you have kids who will react angrily or lash out when you correct them or even just remind them of something simple they have to do? Do you have a child who beats himself or herself up saying things like, I'm so stupid. I know this can be painful to watch. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. And you can find us in the final few days of our Black Friday sale in March at CelebrateCalm.com. For new listeners, we did this because our audience has grown a lot since the holidays.

2:41And we wanted you to have an opportunity to take advantage of our lowest on our downloadable programs. Plus it's fun. And it's our company. We do whatever we want. We decided it. We're just like your kids. So this podcast was prompted by a mom who said this. And I'm sure many of you can relate. Hey, if I say, hey bud, you forgot your lunchbox again today. You need to try to remember it next time. It will cause my son to pitch a 20 minute crying fit. Calling himself an idiot, dumb, bad kid. I would never talk to him that way and listening to him do it to himself is painful and I know this is hard and the mom didn't do anything wrong but it just won't work with our intense highly sensitive kids so let's dig into why this went downhill what we can say and do differently next time and some ways to use this to teach your kids new skills for the future and i just want to say when i was working on this today i i had this feeling of like oh this is a good foundational one this is a podcast i would share with other parents well you can judge that later if you think it's as good as i think it's going to be but i think it honestly could be very life-changing for your kids and for your family so it's important to get inside the head and the heart of our kids and that can mean strong-willed kids, neurodivergent, ADHD, ASD, highly sensitive kids.

4:12These are kids who often feel like they're swimming upstream in life. They feel like everything is kind of stacked against them. They have a lot of energy, but they get in trouble if they can't sit still at school. Fidgeting actually helps them process information and think better, but they get in trouble for that. They get along better with little kids, animals, and older people, but are forced to try to connect with the kids that they are least likely to get along with for the first 18 years of their life they often feel left out they're not naturally good at the kid world so it feels like every look it feels like everyone is trying to fix them or correct their behavior and it's unrelenting so they begin internalizing that there is something wrong with them with their very nature and they do have some natural weaknesses one of them is short-term memory they're often forgetful and disorganized now here's the hard part school success is largely dependent on having good short-term memory although life success is not right because in school you have to memorize and remember information for timed tests again something you don't have to do later in life and this short-term memory struggles will impact reading comprehension sometimes too many characters with odd names in a book can get jumbled in their brains and they tend to have these really busy brains they're kind of animated and energized by larger ideas not little facts they don't care about it kind of feels like socks tumbling in a dryer and this creates anxiety anxiety is caused by unknowns which is why they try to control situations and other people we've been through this why they put acorns in their pockets it's why they sometimes cheat or change the rules of the game because that guarantees or controls the outcome of the game because losing means i'm a loser it's why transitions and changes and plans cause so much distress so their number one job in life as a kid is what?

6:23To do well in school. It's what all the adults care about. They get report cards and yet success is based on doing things they are not naturally good at doing. Sitting still in class, listening to someone talk about things they're not interested in, memorizing information for a time test, writing about topics they find stupid and it's made worse if they have dysgraphia or difficulty with fine motor skills these are independent kids whose number one value is their own agency and independence and success requires them to follow directions to wait in line to not talk and 15 other things that they're just not good at doing so sometimes their entire childhood feels like every adult is reminding them to do something they're not good at doing.

7:17So there's your backdrop. So when mom innocently and even thoughtfully, kindfully added a simple reminder, hey, you forgot your lunchbox again today. You need to try to remember it next time. What she is saying is, hey, I don't want you to get to school and then be hungry at lunchtime because I love you. I'm not lecturing you. I'm not mad or angry at you. I just love you and want you to have your lunch today. That's what mom wants her son to hear. But this is what our kids feel inside. I know, I know I'm not good at this. And you just reminded me again that I stink at this and don't know how to get better at it.

7:58I beat myself up for this all the time. It's just one more reminder that there's something wrong with me, that I'm deficient and less than others. And everyone is always watching me fail and reminding me of it. so that is why you get that reaction that internal implosion and i can understand that maybe you can as well i feel that at times when i'm put in situations in which i feel helpless or overwhelmed and i want to scream i'm not good at this why are you only focusing on the things that i'm not good at and then watching me in my helplessness. It hurts. It's painful. Feels like way too much work to actually be good at certain things.

8:46Now here's one more analogy. Let's say you're a project manager, engineer, or kind of a left-brain person and every day your boss pops his or her head into your office and reminds you of your lack of creativity. Hey, remember I need you to be someone you're not and be good at things you'll never actually master. And by the way, your grade, or in this case, your performance review and paycheck are dependent on that. You'd feel defeated. You'd want to scream, but that's not my core competency. Why do you keep bringing that up? You knew when you hired me, that wasn't my skillset. You'd want to quit and find a new job, but our kids are kind of stuck in this hopeless job for 12 years so with that as the backdrop how can we handle this differently and again there's no blame and no guilt moms and dads you're doing the best you can it's just that these kids are so different number one to be clear i would not say hey you need to try to remember it next time that's what triggers the negative self-talk it's the embarrassment that comes along with it knowing he's not naturally good at remembering those things he already knows that and this feels kind of like rubbing it in number two normalize this normalize that he isn't good at remembering things like his lunchbox and i love love love this language of course you forget little things like your lunchbox why would a boy your age even think about things you don't care about or that don't don't really matter to you you should have your mind on other things like video games playing with your friends eating junk from the pantry and leaving food wrappers laying around now i did that one so you kind of say this with a smile normalize childhood this is what boys and girls your kids age should do and i think it's proper context sometimes we expect kids to act like mature 35 year olds look we're adults we get paid to care about stuff we don't care about we have responsibilities for other people spouse and kids so we have to manage the details because that's called being responsible but kids should have their heads in the cloud a bit right wondering when they're going to get to play and skip rocks or eat ice cream or gorge on screens i'm not saying you should let them do that those things but they should be thinking of those things.

11:17Teens and tweens are going to be consumed with friendships and distracted by thoughts of boys and girls because they've got hormones raging and social media is not helping any of that. But here's the more important response I want to focus on. And I do think with the right context, this can be life-changing for your kids. I used to wake up congested and sneezing every morning until we began using our AirDoctor air purifier. That was three years ago. We immediately noticed reduced allergy symptoms, better sleep, and cleaner air for our family. AirDoctor's powerful three-stage filtration captures extremely small particles, about 100 times smaller than what typical air purifiers can remove.

12:06Air Doctor captures airborne contaminants you don't want to breathe in. Dust, pollen, mold spores, pet dander, bacteria, viruses, and more. It's partially why Air Doctor won Newsweek's Reader's Choice Award for Best Air Purifier. Head to airdoctorpro.com and use promo code CALM to get up to$300 off today. Air Doctor comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee, plus a 3-year warranty and$84 value free. Get this exclusive offer now at airdoctorpro.com using promo code CALM. Casey and his wife just got an ottoman with storage inside from Wayfair.com. It fits their decor perfectly, but I really think they got it so I can put my feet up and relax while they serve us dessert.

12:58In the special dessert glasses, we conveniently bought them from Wayfair. Yeah, I know that's self-serving, but to be fair, that espresso maker we bought them from Wayfair for Christmas has contributed to a lot of great moods for them. Our homes have completely different styles and layouts, but with Wayfair, we can find multiple options for everything we need, and that accommodates any budget. Spring has come early to the mountains out here, so we've already picked out outdoor furniture, because that means laughs, special memories, and grilling out. Find furniture, decor, and essentials that fit your unique style and budget.

13:37Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair. Every style, every home. Okay, this month's geek out on Hungry Root is another change we've made. We're eating more veggies because we're mixing them into the garlic beef and lemongrass chicken bowls. It literally takes me seven minutes from prep to plating and costs a fraction of what it would cost to eat out. On those really busy days, which are like all of them, it is such a relief to know. We have a couple Hungry Root meals in the refrigerator that we know everyone will like and that only takes 7 to 15 minutes to prepare with super easy cleanup.

14:24Let Hungry Root simplify your life. No more stressing over food every night. You're going to love Hungry Root as much as we do. Go to HungryRoot.com slash calm. Use code calm to get 40 % off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. That's HungryRoot.com slash calm, code calm to get 40 % off your first box. HungryRoot.com slash calm, code calm. Think what it would mean to your child if you said this. Of course you forget little things like your lunchbox. That's because you have this strategic brain that is always focused on bigger thoughts and ideas. You get energized by how things work.

15:07That's why you tinker with machines and gears trying to figure out how it all fits together and works. You are processing ideas because that's what you care about. That's what innovators and inventors do. They spend their brain power thinking of ideas that change the world or make money. Look, you've been able to see patterns and things since you were little. You just start putting puzzles together and we were amazed by it. You didn't even need to read the directions when you got new Lego building sets. You'd even mix and match pieces and create your own sets. So you'll probably always struggle with remembering little details.

15:46And that's how it should be. Your brain should be focused on solving problems. You're focused on the right things, Matthew. Now, when I was writing and saying that, I could feel myself inside kind of crying a little bit. Why? Because our kids have never had someone tell them the truth. And this is the truth. Instead, what they have heard in subtle ways is, yeah, that's really sweet and cute that he likes to play with Legos and has all these fanciful ideas and daydreams, but he really needs to be buttoned up and focused and remember his lunchbox. How will he be like me one day if he doesn't? Now, there's no blame or guilt, But sometimes we get so wrapped up in what we think kids are supposed to be doing or comparing them to other kids and subordinating their individuality to just this general thing of like, well, all kids are supposed to do this, that we don't step back and really see our kids as they are.

16:50So we're not done yet. I'm going to add more, but let's break this down. I want you to give your kids proper context like this. nothing I said above is untrue it's all true and put in proper context now you need to fill in the blank for your own child with specifics specifics really help because when you say something like oh you've always been able to see patterns and things when since you were little you just start putting puzzles together and we were amazed by it that will resonate deeply within your kids because it look that is truth with a capital t that is the real them you're seeing them for who they are and they will think back to those days when they put those puzzles together and they'll begin to see themselves differently so really put some thought into this is your child really creative then notice that and no creative people usually struggle with short-term memory and details but they have so many different advantages in life and I want you to really call that out continually reinforce this for your kids because society and schools are going to beat your kids down and they're going to try to get them to be like everybody else and they can't everybody's trying to change their nature instead of working with it hey of course you struggle in this area because your brain and heart are focused on more important things it's kind of like knocking Einstein because he would wander aimlessly across the Princeton University campus it's like knocking Michelangelo you know you're not really good at accounting it's like knocking Tom Brady because he isn't good with doing electrical work in the home although he probably is good at that so everyone has strengths and weaknesses society just tends to only point out what our kids are not good at doing no one points out that life success is dependent on good critical and think good strategic thinking skills see that's what companies pay money for but that's for another podcast episode now number three now we can transition to giving your child tools to help with the natural weaknesses but it's not the only or primary focus see when i say i don't like some of these diagnosis and the labels i'm not denying that our kids have weaknesses they do but instead of just defining them by their weakness i want to define them by their strengths and then gives them them practical ways to overcome some of their weaknesses so now and look you don't have to say all of this in one sitting with your child i throw out scripts and you can do them in small little pieces i like planting seeds so one thing that you can say with your child is hey so let's come up with some ideas you'll be able to use for the rest of your life to remember things so you can use that awesome brain of yours to solve problems to create to invent things to come up with business ideas you're not denying that your child has challenges and weaknesses you're not excusing them you're just putting them in proper context and then giving your child tools to mitigate some of the weaknesses and you could look you can definitely challenge your child hey why don't you think of some creative ways to help you remember your lunchbox so here are some ideas let let's have your son be responsible for packing his or her own lunch you can help make some things but your child has to put it together if possible just let him make his own sandwich and put stuff together because then he's more likely to remember it.

20:54Show him how to put little post-it notes on his backpack as a reminder to grab his lunchbox before he runs out the door. I do this every single day. I do not want to waste brain power trying to remember little things. I would rather have my head thinking about ideas like this podcast that brings me joy and satisfaction and meaning and hopefully it helps you so i send myself emails that i will see very clearly as a reminder in the morning and now i snooze them so i see them in the afternoon i have some that come up every night at 6 p.m some at every night at 8 p.m so i notice that before i go to bed and that way i don't have to release brain power like okay remember that remember that remember that i leave little notes by the front door or underneath my car keys because that way i know i'm going to see it if we're going hiking or on a trip the next day we've got this little cooler and i'll leave that or a couple oranges on the floor by the front door on the kitchen counter as a visual reminder that way I have to trip over these things to not see them the night before I'll often lay out my clothes and put things on top of the clothes or even in the pockets ahead of time knowing I am susceptible to having 15 different thoughts racing through my brain in the morning while I'm in the shower and then I get out and I know my weaknesses and I plan for them but I don't spend all day thinking oh i'm so terrible at that i'm like no i'm terrible at that and i know it so here's what i do about that teach your kids how to start doing this definitely start with showing him how to leave notes my guess is that since he isn't being bugged about this it will free his creative brain to come up with some creative or even weird ways to remind himself about these things that you and i would have never even thought of because our kids will sometimes use technology or it might be hey Alexa remind me tomorrow morning at 7 22 a.m to take my lunchbox see that would be a great one now when your child does this well notice it hey nice job with that hey I like how creative your solution is I mean heck I I would just put the lunch here's one just put the lunchbox in the car the night before as long as it doesn't need to be refrigerated unless you live where we are and don't have a garage then you've got your refrigeration right it's not like i haven't done that one before then whatever what see whatever i didn't want to forget is already in the car and i don't have to think about it all night i always volunteer look when we go hiking i always take my car why because when we're switching stuff out of the cars i don't want to miss some of my gear so when they do that well notice it a firm hey doing a really good job with that now when they mess up no big deal hey been doing really well for that so we just hop back on the bus not a big deal non-verbals are also very helpful you could always just hand him the lunchbox without saying a word and just keep by walking by so you don't draw any attention to it when he messes up my first question would not be what happened or why did you forget it it would be so what were you thinking about instead anything interesting again you are putting this in proper context i would let your kids listen to our programs like the strong willed child one stopping the power struggles strong willed child the adhd university one because this is how their brains work and they will feel so good about themselves and they'll get new ideas to help themselves throughout life i get emails all the time from parents are like oh my my daughter listened to you say oh it's not about managing your time it's about managing your energy and she said everybody's always talked to me about managing my time and i'm not good at it but i get this energy thing because i hyper focus and i do see let your kids listen because it's about their brains and your kids are so smart they will really take ownership okay let's do this now begin making some notes including specific examples of your child using his or her natural gifts and strengths so we can begin providing proper context and building their confidence and do this routinely these scripts and affirmation and context will change how your child views himself or herself and how you see them see if you say these things routinely man it it will change things and we as parents have no qualms about continually reminding our kids of things they're doing wrong why don't we reverse that do that for the next week here's your challenge for the next week notice everything that they're doing well begin calling out their different gifts many of your kids do see patterns by the way chess checkers arguing with you they know the pattern because they know what you're going to say before you say it makes them really good at sales and persuasion as well because they can see the pattern in that argument let's start reminding them of their gifts that'll change them inside it'll change how grandparents and teachers and others see your child okay i'm going to keep this short because i think this script and approach can be incredibly powerful all right moms dads grandparents this is your challenge for the next week i can't wait for you to do this even if your kids are really young and they don't fully understand begin speaking the words to them over them in front of them to grandparents to the preschool teacher to say oh man here's you can't believe what is going on in my son's brain and they will hear that instead of just saying like well, struggles with focus and attention and has a lot of energy.

27:11No, here's what I know about my child. See, that builds their confidence. You're setting the tone and changing how everyone sees them. Okay, love you all, respect you all for this. This is the last few days of the Black Friday in March sale. Take advantage of that. If you need help with that, reach out to Casey. All right, you guys are crushing it. Talk to you soon, bye-bye.

27:35Shop the Sherwin-Williams Spring Sale and get 35 % off paints and stains March 13th through the 23rd. Whether you're refreshing your interior or exterior, we've got the colors to bring your vision to life. And with delivery, getting everything to your door is easier than ever. Shop online to have it delivered or visit your neighborhood Sherwin-Williams store. Click the banner to learn more. Retail sales only. Some exclusions apply. See store for details. Delivery available on qualifying orders.