Kids Who Get Upset When Plans Change, Resist Transitions & Constantly Ask, “Why?” #587

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3:33Is this just a defiant child who's purposefully being difficult or is something else going on? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our Mother's Day sale at CelebrateCalm.com. Two quick things. I had a mom who forwarded it to her husband and he already got her, downloaded all of our programs for Mother's Day. And she was like, I still have a couple of weeks left, so I'm going to ask him for more things. I was like, good job. And then shout out to Adam, a guy who's like, hey, this isn't just about moms.

4:08I have been working through your programs and breaking the generational patterns that I got from my dad. Kudos to you, all the moms and dads out there who are breaking generational patterns and learning to parent in ways that you were never parented. Good for you, man. That's hard work. So here's the thing. If you're a generally compliant, rule-following person by nature, you are going to struggle with your strong-willed child. Because when someone asks you to do something, your first thought is, well, you just do it. But that's not what your strong-willed child thinks or does. Their first thought is either an immediate no or to question why.

4:47And you've heard that, haven't you? In this podcast episode, I want to delve into why kids ask this primarily. but here's some quick additional insight into the immediate no. Some kids reflexively say no because they're buying time to process what you just asked them to do while they contemplate how they're going to respond. Some of your kids are actually just slow processors of information So this becomes a habit. And they may be thinking, I heard what you said, but I'm trying to figure out if there's a more interesting way I'd like to do it. They may be thinking, I heard what you said, and I am contemplating whether it's worth taking the consequences you will eventually give me in order to keep doing what I'm doing right now and ignore you.

5:46You have to know that's partly what they're thinking about. And they may just be ignoring you or putting you off. You need to know kind of how their brains work. So let's consider why kids respond so frequently with the question, why? It's not just to push your buttons, although if it does, then you're realizing you have buttons to push and you can start working on that. So you can be grateful to your strong-willed child for bringing out all of your issues and your immaturity because we all have it. And we're just working through it now. We're growing up as much as our kids are. So you tell your kids to do something and their response is why.

6:28And your response might be similar to my dad's. It was either because I said so or ours is not to question why, ours is but to do and die. And that was kind of a paraphrased quote from the Charge of the Light Brigade because my dad was career military and so it was a ton of fun growing up. And so you know what it was like in those days. You didn't question why. You just did what you were told immediately. But your child is often going to ask why. Is he always being defiant? No. But you're going to be tempted to think that your child is. And if you don't get this, you will have endless power struggles with this child.

7:07and you will have created many of them yourself. You know, I don't do blame or guilt, but gotta stop this. If you view your child as a rebellious, defiant, pig-headed, unmotivated kid, nothing, absolutely nothing you say or do will ever work. It will backfire. Your child will resist and shut down and you'll slowly grow apart and resent each other and I wanna avoid that. Look, your child asks why because he's looking for context. if you take notes on these podcasts write down the word context in really big letters strong-willed children tend to be big picture strategic thinkers they see patterns and we want that quality in them because it serves them well in real life lots of jobs that's a foundational we just don't want them to be like that when they're kids because it's a pain so your child is asking why he knows how you want him to do it, but he wants to evaluate if there's a better way to do it.

8:09And he wants to put your, or she wants to put your instruction in context of the larger picture of what's going on. And I know most of us, we just want that unquestioning obedience. And I get that. I used to want that, but it's not happening with this child and it shouldn't happen. Now, by a better way, your child means a different way than you want him or her to do it. could be a more challenging way, a more interesting way, a more creative way that you've never even thought about. And it won't always make sense because in your head, like mine, this is very, very clear. I ask you to do something, you do it, and then you're done.

8:49Does it always have to be so hard? Why do you have to make everything so difficult? That's what's inside of us. Don't say that. And you're going to want to pull your hair out and possibly your child's, but don't, not yet. So look, giving kids ownership, not control, is one of the foundational elements you have to understand with a strong-willed child. I do not give kids control of my home or my classroom, but I do give them ownership of their choices within my boundaries. It's not about being permissive at all. It's about being wise and flexible. And my warning to you is this, if you or your spouse or the grandparents dig in and adopt that my wear the highway approach with this child.

9:32I guarantee three things will happen. Number one, you will have endless power struggles with this child. Endless. Number two, your relationship will be strained and then ultimately broken. And three, your child will turn into an angry teenager and young adult with no one that he or she can trust. We don't want that to happen. I tried that approach with our son and with 1 ,500 kids who came in our home. It does not work. And look, I can teach you how to be tough with these kids because you can't let them walk all over you. and I don't want that. I'm not into permissive parenting. But this isn't time to fall on your sword and escalate situations.

10:06It's a time to proactively provide context. And I have a little aside here. Be aware of the following. Some of you inadvertently escalate situations like this with your kids. Sometimes it's to create drama as a distraction, perhaps from your own marriage, Or maybe there's some internal sabotage, self-sabotage of your parenting and marriage and your relationships. So let me give you an example from when Casey was younger, because this demonstrates how much power I have as the parent in these situations by simply controlling myself. So let's set this up. So say your child can't wait for Saturday morning, because on Saturday morning, there's no rushing out the door.

10:52They don't have to go to stupid school. and you've told your child, hey, Saturday morning, free morning, play, create, build with your Legos, nothing else going on. So your child is happily sitting in his or her PJs, Legos all over the floor. And that was Casey on so many days. And I'd rush into the living room and say, hey, Casey, hey, pick up your Legos, put your shoes on. We need to go now. And look, there's nothing wrong with that. That happens in millions of homes and the kids pick up the Legos, put their shoes on and go, but not in your home because you have a strong-willed child, a thinker.

11:31So predictably, your strong-willed child responds, of course, father, I can tell you're in a hurry and this must be urgent. Some important mission we must attend to. I shall prioritize your desires above of mine. Is there anything else you need help with? Now, look, if your child did that, you would rush him or her immediately to the hospital for an examination because that would be weird. So predictably, your child responds without even looking up why. And most of us respond with a sharp tone and irritated expression. I didn't tell you to ask why. I told you to put your Legos away, put your shoes on and get ready.

12:12Is that clear? I'm not going to repeat myself again, which guarantees you're going to repeat yourself many times. Your kids don't give up easily. But dad, you guys said that I would have all morning to play and build. And now, and you can hear, can you hear that tone in your voice? It's kind of pleading now. You told me that I'd have all morning and I could play and build. And now, and you can hear that. And that is a first warning sign to know, uh-oh, my child has taken this to a very personal and emotional level. And if you go with an emotional tone, you are going to dump fuel on the fire because we often react, you know what?

12:55You either pick up the Legos now, young man, or you're going to lose them for a month. Okay, that's kind of a guy thing. That's the consequences we can't keep sometimes. I used to do that. many of our kids sense that they're going to lose everything anyway and why even bother with a grown adult who's clearly not in control so they just go for the jugular you know what you're the one who lied and told me i could play all morning oh and now the whole morning and the whole day blows up because you're going to lose it and i'll put it in the case of our home i would lose it guess what? Mom hears a kid crying and has to run into the room to figure out what's going on.

13:35And all of you have been there. Look, should your son or daughter have complied right away? Sure, but your child never has. So why do you keep expecting a different result? One of the key breakthroughs we need as parents is understanding this is the child that you have been given. This is their very nature and this is not giving in or being permissive. I've been through podcasts before about the myth of immediate obedience. It's just, I can't even go there right now. Wishing that your child was different just creates more issues. Digging in won't work. It doesn't mean you have to put up with defiance, but this was not defiance.

14:16Now for the type A parents out there, myself included, you're thinking, well, this kid has to learn to get with the program. And their response is no, You don't handle things in the real world like you do with your kids. When you're at the office, you use a multitude, which I can't say. You use many different communication styles and reward systems. You kind of do it intuitively with other people. But with our kids, sometimes we dig in and just use one single way. So let's rewind this and handle it in a different way with a different result. Maybe your kids need a new desk or a bed, or you've been wanting to upgrade your old worn pots and pans and kitchen appliances, but you know how you never get around to doing that?

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16:34I put all of this together in less than 20 minutes with very little prep and cleanup. You're going to love Hunger Root as much as we do. Go to hungerroot.com slash calm and use code calm to get 40 % off your first box. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. That's hungerroot.com slash calm, code calm, to get 40 % off your first box. That's hungerroot.com slash calm, code calm. So it's Saturday morning and plans have changed suddenly. So your first step is to always slow your world down inside, control your own anxiety, and then set about enacting your plan. So think about this from the kid's point of view.

17:17All week your child has been looking forward to chilling on Saturday morning with no pressure. Then all of a sudden a parent barges into the room and blows up his plans. Is it reasonable to think that your child will handle that in stride? Well, how do you handle changes and plans that change all of a sudden? Because you're not handling this resistance well. It would be weird if your child just hopped to it and did exactly what you said. It is normal for any thinking individual in this situation to ask, Hey, I'm curious, what changed? because all week long I was led to believe X, but now that has changed.

18:00Look, I wouldn't want a child to always be so compliant and never question anything. That's not healthy. So you take 15 seconds. You reset your own attitude and demeanor and tone of voice. You walk into the living room and you look. And look, that's your son sitting there. And sometimes we get kind of this thing as a parent where it's like, I'm the parent and that's the child. And they kind of become pawns in this larger game of life. Like I've got a checklist to go through to get them to do things. And if I do that checklist right, they'll end up being successful and I'm a good parent. And I get that.

18:39But sometimes we forget the humanity of our spouse, our kids, ourselves. That's your child sitting there doing what he or she loves maybe for the first time all week now you need to get going quickly but you've learned from listening to our programs on the app repeatedly that your anxiety causes the exact opposite response from your child and you know if you go in and rush this strong will child they're going to go more slowly so this time you do the opposite of what your anxiety is screaming at you to do you get down on one knee on the floor you adopt a curious look even if you're faking it. And you look at what your child is building and saying, wow, that's a really cool spaceship.

19:22Now, you could stop there, but you could add a quick little question about how your child created whatever he or she was creating. But then you transition and say the following, hey Casey, it's a really cool spaceship. Man, you're really good at building and seeing in three dimensions. Listen, plans have changed. Grandma called and she's really sick. We need to go help her. But I promise we will have time to build more this afternoon when we get back. Could you do me a favor? Put your shoes on, grab two cans of soup from the pantry, and meet me in the car in seven minutes. Now, if you get the predictable pushback, I would acknowledge with some intensity, yeah, I hate when plans change too, especially when I was counting on being able to do something that I love doing that stinks.

20:09And you can always add, you know what though in this situation we just have to do the right thing and help grandma so let's break this down don't dismiss how important whatever your child is doing in that moment is to them because to us sometimes it's like i've got adult things to do i'm in the real world they're just building with some stupid legos they're playing that and you they can just play later it's no big deal well to your kid it's not no big deal so i don't dismiss it i acknowledge it of course you should be frustrated. All week long, you've been looking forward to this and now plans change.

20:44I don't like that either. See, that alone sometimes, sometimes when kids push back or people get upset, all they want to hear is that acknowledgement of like, yeah, you should be frustrated right now. But I do it in that tone. I don't say, oh, honey, I know it's really hard when things change. See, that's that sounds patronizing. And it's not even and it sounds like you're not taking it seriously. But I'm like, Like, yeah, that stinks because you were looking forward to this all week and plant your, oh, that's frustrating. So let's break this down. You started by getting out of your anxious agenda and seeing the world from your child's point of view.

21:22Doesn't mean you give in to them or give in to them all the time. But it just helps in human relationships to get out of your own anxiety. Same with having a talk with your spouse. How many times with our spouse do we say something? And when our spouse is responding, we're not really listening. We're calculating what we want to say in response to that. See, instead, you get out of your anxious agenda and you see the world from someone else's point of view. It will radically change your life. You acknowledge that what your child is doing is important to him. And then you compliment your child. Hey, Case, nice job.

21:56It's a really cool thing that you're doing. See, that's called connection. Connection tends to breed more compliance. Look, it's really important. Connection is more effective than consequences anyway. Listen, plans have changed. This simple statement gives your child a heads up, a few seconds to process and comprehend, oh crap, this isn't good. It's just smart to do with a child who isn't great at transitions, who likes order and consistency, who once they start doing something, it's really hard to get them out of it, and who struggles with anxiety. Hey, listen, plans have changed. that gives them a little heads up and then we say hey grandma called she's really sick here is the context now i'm the kid now i know why you are ripping me away from doing what i love doing building with my legos this at least makes sense it doesn't mean i like it but now i understand the bigger picture and i know some of you you are hung up on immediately obeying and not questioning.

23:01So go back and find that one on the myth of immediate obedience. It will save you so much heartache. I don't want to send, look, this is just, I don't want to send a compliant, unthinking robot into the world to get taken advantage of by a future boss or spouse. I want a kid who has the honesty, the courage, and the insight to say, hey, what just changed? Why did that change because you told me this and now it's different see now i just said hey grandma called she's really sick now your child has some context and that's settling hey we need to go help her but i promise we will have time to build more this afternoon when we get back see there's more context you are proactively answering the only thing your child cares about right now will i I get to finish building later, or is going to grandma's house going to ruin my whole day?

23:58Are we going to be stuck at grandma's smelly old house being bored? Now, you just proactively reassured your child. For those of you who are in business, it's the same thing you do with a potential client. You know what their objections to your product or service are, so you proactively address their objections. Number five, hey, could you do me a favor? Put your shoes on, grab two cans of soup from the pantry, meet me in the car in seven minutes. See, now you've given your child a role to play, some ownership in, instead of just like, hey, pick up your Legos and get in the car. Well, that's just kind of a command.

24:41There's nothing wrong with that. But your kids, when you do this, you're giving them some ownership. It gives them a way to help, to be a part of it. Saying grabbing two cans of soup is very specific. Specificity in these moments is very grounding for your kids. Sometimes our kids are really good at helping other people. And sometimes I say, hey, meet me in the car in seven minutes or even seven and a half minutes. Again, specificity when kids are upset is really calming. And then when your child predictably resists that this isn't fair, or that grandma's house is boring, just spare the moralistic lecture, right?

25:22Well, your grandma's not feeling well, and you should just stop. He's just a kid, right? He's not supposed to put down his stuff right away and say, you know what? I'm as concerned about grandma as you are. Now, would that be awesome? Yeah, but it's probably not going to happen right now, especially at a younger age. So you can acknowledge with intensity, yeah, I hate when plans change. That stinks. But don't be dismissive. And you can say, but I know you like helping grandma and we always do the right thing. See, you work with the situation and you'll get a better response when you give context and ownership.

26:01And here's perhaps the most important part of the scenario that you can teach your child later. See, when you just demand blind obedience, you are setting the strong-willed child up for failure because he or she will begin to internalize that they're just a difficult kid that nobody's happy with, that they're always in trouble, and they will likely turn this anger inward. I'm so stupid. Why am I always in trouble? And sometimes they will turn it outward and blame other people or take it out on siblings. See, instead of doing this, we have an opportunity to teach the child how he's made, how about his very nature.

26:39So later on, you have a couple opportunities to do some really cool things. So maybe on the way to grandma's house, if your child handled it reasonably well, you can say, man, I hate when plans change too, but you know what? You really helped me out this morning. You handle that well. It shows me you're growing up. See, that would be an amazing thing to hear from your mom or dad. It's way better than, why can't you ever just do what we ask you? How many times do we have to tell you? Instead, I can say, you know what? You resisted at first. And I get that because plans changed. But then you pulled it together.

27:14Fist bump. Well done. And then you can say this, son. You've got this, or daughter, you've got this really strategic brain. You like to understand how things work. That's why you tinker with different things. By the way, that's why you need to buy them things from a thrift store for them to take apart and put back together. It's why you tinker with things, including my brain. Kidding, but you're a great thinker. What you are often looking for is context. You want to see the big picture first so you know how all the details fit together. It's a really great trait. A lot of engineers are like that.

27:49A lot of people who are problem solvers, architects. It's a great problem solving technique. So here's what's going to happen in the future. you're going to have parents, teachers, coaches, and bosses tell you what to do. They're going to tell you to do things. Now just replying no or asking why will often lead them to think that you're being defiant or a smart aleck. But that's not true at all. So here's what you could say instead. Hey coach, boss, teacher, I've heard what you want me to do. Could you tell me what our larger objective is? because I'd like to know what I can do better or differently to meet that goal.