Kids Who Struggle with Organization, Following Directions, Writing Essays, Turning in Homework? #545

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1:28And no matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way they learn best while meeting them at their level. So whether your child needs extra help with a class or wants to work ahead, IXL provides the positive feedback our kids crave. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So do you have a child who is disorganized and forgetful, gets very frustrated when asked to write a book report or essay, does their homework but forgets to turn it in, struggles with auditory processing issues and short-term memory.

2:21Do you ever ask them to go put their shoes on and 45 minutes later they come downstairs with a really cool Lego project but no shoes? Then you are definitely not alone. I want to give you insight into why your kids struggle with this and, of course, how you can help your kids in very practical ways. So that is what we're going to discuss on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome, this is Kirk Martin. You can find us in our Christmas cell at CelebrateCalm.com. So let's take a quick look inside the brain of many of our kids. So they've got these neurotransmitters, especially dopamine, that help brain cells communicate with each other.

2:58But in our kids, these neurotransmitters experience difficulty communicating. So it's kind of like the traffic signals that regulate traffic in the brain are blinking yellow. So let's say it's Friday afternoon at rush hour in your city and the traffic lights aren't working. Well, what's the result? You're going to get gridlock, traffic jams, frustration, chaos. And I bet you see this in a lot of your kids. They have these really busy brains with thoughts and feelings and impulses bouncing around like socks in a dryer. They have Ferrari brains, but not good brakes. And it feels like they don't have a lot of control over what's going on inside their brains.

3:38And your kids with sensory processing issues, it feels like they don't have control all the time over their bodies. So they seek to control others. They can be bossy. They don't always do transitions well. They like to control the outcome of games, and that's why they'll cheat or quit or change the rules of the game. They often collect little stones or acorns in their pockets. Why? Something little they can control. And we've mentioned all those things before, but I want to address some of the other common struggles our kids have. So number one, they're often disorganized, forgetful, and it seems like they have selective hearing.

4:15They do struggle with short-term memory, and they'll often ask you to repeat yourself. When you send them to their room to get their shoes, I mentioned that, they come back down 45 minutes later with, cool Lego project, but no shoes. And some of that is an executive function issue, which we can get to. Some of your kids also have auditory processing issues. I struggle with that. Words get jumbled in my brain. It's one reason I don't like speaking on the phone or ordering through drive-thrus. So here's the thing. With a brain that is busy and disorganized, it does make it more difficult to remember things, but that is not an excuse.

4:54I want your kids to learn how to listen, remember, and follow directions. So here's some different tools that we use. And I encourage you just start trying some of these. So make your directions very specific and concrete. When you say things like, oh, we're leaving in five minutes, well, that kind of disappears into the ether. It may be five minutes or 20 minutes. So I like giving very specific time limits. Hey, we're leaving in seven minutes. Bedtime is at 8.51. These specific odd times stick in the brain partly because they are novel. Keep your directions concise, clear, and matter of fact.

5:35Stimulate those connections in the brain by making instructions more challenging. Hey, bet you can't move or lift something heavy. Bet you can't wear your shoes on the wrong foot or get dressed under your bed or in the closet. By the way, lots of your kids will wear their shoes on the wrong foot. Why? because it's more interesting and there's a greater chance they could fall down the stairs and crack their heads open and that stimulates their brains. But you can't complete this task in the next three and a half minutes. Create some traditions in your home. Some activities that are the same every day, every week, no matter what.

6:11See, rules tell kids what not to do. Traditions create stability and an expectation of what to do. And this is even more important. and if you share split custody with your spouse. So no matter whose home the child is in, there are three traditions that are the same every day. What do you always do when you wake your child up, whether they're with mom or dad? Is there a fun morning tradition like a treasure hunt to begin the day? When your child comes home from school, your child always does X or puts the backpack in the same place. What's the bedtime routine? You shouldn't have to recreate the wheel every day So how do you roll as a family?

6:53Be consistent. Look, we had 1 ,500 kids come in our home, and I got tired of reminding them not to run in through the front door. So I learned how to say halt in 14 different languages, but it didn't work until I created a tradition. Hey guys, here's the tradition in our home. When anyone walks through my front door, oh, they have to do it in slow motion. And the kids love this. So when their parents came to pick them up, or one time this UPS guy came to bring a delivery. Guess what happened? He didn't walk in slow motion through the front door. So all those little cops, judges, and attorneys rolled into one, made him walk back out of the house and then come back in through slow motion.

7:38It was just the way we roll in our home. Create anchors in the schedule that your kids can count on. Technology-free Tuesday. The kids know there are no video games that day, so they don't even ask. but I will play a board game or go outside with you or you can be bored and miserable and I'm okay with that as well. On Wednesdays we eat dinner in our pajamas, Friday is movie night, whatever you want it to be. Use non-verbals, turn lights off to signal dinner time. See music has rhythm so it's good at pacing your kids to move without you having to yell. When it's time to eat, take a bath, leave the house, pick up toys, play a certain song so they associate the song with that activity.

8:22Hey, bet you can't get your clothes on before this song is over. Your kids are going to struggle with these things their entire lives, so teach your kids to make written lists as reminders. The process of writing tasks on paper helps imprint that task on the brain. Do not become the reminder for your kids all the time. Just say, hey, make a note and let them own the consequences then when they forget something. It's worth the short-term pain and inconvenience to teach them this. Our son used to be the most disorganized, forgetful kid you can imagine, but he's seen me practice this for decades.

9:02When I get back from my errands, there'll be a note on the floor, lay out chicken. So we eat at 6 p.m. instead of midnight. And now my son is a master list maker. Teach your kids to use concrete tools. I set the timer on my iPhone to remind me that laundry needs to be put in a dryer, or I have a scheduled phone call. Don't remind them to get off their video games. They can set an alarm on their phone or use a timer or Alexa. They need to learn to be responsible. So don't be the timer for them. Just give them some tools, create some successes so they get to be good at this on their own. So I know my brain gets distracted by larger thoughts and ideas, so I use little tricks to help me remember things.

9:48So the other day we came down from a big hike and sat outside to eat, and I laid my hiking poles down, but I put my keys on top of them because I knew we couldn't leave without the keys and I wouldn't leave my hiking poles. Create visual organizers. Have a whiteboard in your kitchen with each day's schedule clearly marked so your kids can see what's going on and anticipate changes to routine because your kids aren't great at that. Have them be involved. Have them write down their schedule. Gives them a sense of ownership. Okay, here's a cool one. Does your child do their homework but forget to turn it in?

10:27It's very normal. I mean, what kid wouldn't rather be thinking about Star Wars or playing with friends or whoever they have a crush on at the moment rather than turning in homework? So we were working with his family in the school on this issue. And the school said, well, he needs to remember to turn in his homework or I have to mark his grade down. And so I talked to this kid and I said, look, you struggle with short-term memory, but that's only because you have a brain that's amazing at generating ideas and being creative and problem-solving and thinking strategically. So I bet you can use your creativity in this strong area to overcome your weakness.

11:06See, that's a great way to reframe this. And that may be the most important part of this whole podcast. instead of just saying, well, you need to learn to do that or else. It's like, no, you have a weakness here, but you have a corresponding strength. So let me teach you how to use your corresponding strengths to help you overcome your weaknesses. So the next day, this kid said, I've got an idea. Every day when I get home and complete my homework, I could take a picture of it with my mom's phone and then email it to my teacher. That way I'll turn in my homework early, and I thought that was brilliant.

11:42Now, the school at first, to their shame, was initially resistant and rigid, and so I remember being in an IEP meeting and saying, look, I think you're all missing the point. This is a student with a natural weakness in this one area, but now he just used his brain, his creativity, his problem-solving skills to come up with a solution that works for him. Why are you continuing to punish this kid for an inherent weakness when you could be celebrating his ingenuity and creativity and problem-solving skills? The teacher began meeting him at the classroom door every morning, giving him a high five or a fist bump and saying, hey, nice job completing your homework so early.

12:25You were the first one to turn yours in. So you know how cool that is to hear for our kids who are usually the ones who are getting corrected because they were late or they didn't turn it in. And the other kids began wondering how he had already turned it in. So she told them that he used his creativity and great brain and the teacher told them, why are you guys all slackers? She didn't say that. I'm just kidding. But I do love when we affirm our kids instead of them making them feel like there's something wrong with them just because they do things differently. Okay, next I want to share two of my favorite ideas for getting kids to listen and remember and for helping kids who struggle with the writing process.

13:09Your kids probably struggle with organizing thoughts in their brains and then getting it down onto paper. Your kids have all these ideas and they're creative, but try to get those thoughts organized in a busy brain and now down onto paper can be daunting. If your kids have dysgraphia or trouble with fine motor skills, it's even more frustrating. So when Casey was young, he'd get so frustrated. He'd crumple up his paper, throw it on the floor, and then he'd storm off in tears. And that's pretty common with our kids. And I'll just be honest, writing these podcasts and all of our programs, we have 17 programs.

13:48They're probably all 40 to 50 pages of writing. that is enormously challenging for me because I have so many ideas flowing through my brain from 25 years of teaching this that it gets overwhelming. And I can tell it's even mentally and emotionally taxing because I know I need to do it, but where do I start? And I'm a grown man, so imagine how it feels for a 7 or even a 17-year-old. See, my wife can sit down and just crank out essays with no problem, but my brain lacks structure. So I'm going to share some tips I've used in teaching hundreds of kids how to write. Casey is now an excellent writer, and I want your kids to be excellent writers because it's a competitive advantage in life.

14:34So number one, control your own anxiety. Don't put pressure on your kids with this. If you're anxious or you're rushed, you'll provoke a massive meltdown. So no standing over them. Come on, you already know the answer. Just write it down. It's going to be okay. Just relax a little bit. Number two, ask teachers to let your child begin the new year by writing about something your child is interested in. I just want to create a success and build some confidence. The subject matter isn't important. Learning the process is. Who cares what the subject is? If it's something your child actually cares about, it will be much easier to get an early win.

15:19And I'll just be honest with this. in real life we don't usually have to write about things that we don't care about we tend to choose jobs in industries that we're kind of into or that we have some natural gifts in so when we're writing things for work it's in a job that we usually chose but in school it's like oh write an essay about a subject that you don't care about that's artificial and I'd rather just say can they just write about something they're really really curious about let's get a win number three Give kids extra time. Here's my process. I dump my thoughts out and I roughly arrange them.

15:57Then I take a break to let it kind of roll around in my brain until I get clarity, usually the next day when I had a corporate job. I rarely wrote recommendations quickly all at once. Usually, I dump out all my ideas during the day at work and then I complete the rest that night after my family went to bed. Having to write with time pressure is counterproductive and you don't usually have to do it in the real world. Number four, I hope this doesn't offend you, but it works really well. We taught tons of kids to remember the word vomit. Yeah, I know it's disgusting, but it's easy to remember. Part of the issue is trying to organize thoughts while they're swirling in the brain.

16:40It's hard. So I would just tell kids, hey, here's what I want you to do. vomit all of your thoughts onto paper. And they always remembered that because it's disgusting. So instead, the first thing I do is simply kind of vomit those thoughts onto paper or onto my laptop. It's doing a brain dump. See, when those thoughts are running through my brain, they're not concrete. I can't organize them. They're not really physical. They're just zipping around there. So sometimes I get out a yellow legal pad. And by the way, I do think the color of paper does help with many of our kids. And I throw everything I'm thinking onto that paper.

17:22Sometimes I write with pen and sometimes I just dump thoughts on my laptop. But see, once they're onto paper, now I can manipulate them. Now I can see them and start to visually organize them a little bit. Number five, related to this, give kids permission to make the first draft purposefully messy if they want. In fact, I often find it more helpful when I have notes written in margins sideways with big circles or squares around things. See, it may drive you crazy, but if it works for your kids, let them do it. Once all those ideas are kind of safely out of my brain and onto paper, now they're more concrete and I can organize the ideas into groups or themes.

18:09So number six, provide some sort of structure. Like you could put five rectangles on a page because all writing assignments in school are basically what? An introduction, three support points, and a conclusion. So now you can circle thoughts and write number two next to it or actually create a rough outline and then begin putting the pieces together. See, because if you sit your child down and say, we'll start writing, I guarantee they're going to get frustrated and just shut down. I can't think. I don't know. This is stupid. But having some rough structure helps. Number seven, this helps with, I want to help you with executive function.

18:51Try allowing your child to listen to some music, even intense music. And I'll say especially intense music while doing this. Even drumming with their pencil, rocking back and forth, chewing gum, standing at the kitchen counter, tossing a ball in there, stirring a meal with you. You can talk about the overall big point of the essay while you're doing that. See, you take the pressure off of writing exact sentences, and you talk through the big picture first. Well, what's the main thing you want to say, Jacob? What's your elevator pitch? If you were in an elevator with someone and had to explain your main point before you got to the fifth floor, what would you say?

19:32And see, as you talk things through, your child will get clarity. And when you get that main point, you can write that in a big block on a piece of paper or poster board. Then you do the same process for the three support points until you have a rough outline with a big block at the top, three smaller blocks, and then the conclusion. Now, here's a cool idea if you have time. Go outside and get some sidewalk chalk. Go through the same process, but let your child diagram his or her essay in huge blocks on the driveway. And then you can sit outside with him. They may lie on the ground and write their paper.

20:10Experiment with this. Let older kids chew gum while writing. It helps allow kids in the classroom to write while sitting underneath their desk or sitting against a wall with some privacy. Don't expect kids to write the way you do. The irony here is that our kids are probably the most creative, imaginative writers in the class. They just struggle the most. Now at eight, your kids may have dysgraphia, which results in difficulty with fine motor skills. The actual process of writing can be physically uncomfortable, can be even painful. It's like asking you to take notes on a long lecture with your opposite hand.

20:48They'll need help maybe from an occupational therapist or an OT. See, many things your kids learn in school will never be used, but having excellent written communicating skills, communication skills, even though I can't say that word, is a differentiator in the job market. So ditch other things, but do focus on helping your child become an excellent writer. Number nine, give your kids extra time, be patient, let them write about something they care about, and get a success. Then build on it. I really like creating successes, so I want to share one more really cool idea to help your kids remember directions.

21:27Research shows that kids and husbands remember directions when you paint visual images in the brain. Words kind of disappear, but images stick. Casey was really into sports cars as a little kid, so I'd say, hey, Case, picture putting these three things in the trunk of a Lamborghini. See, the words got lost in his brain, but he would always remember the images. And I've used this example before of a teacher who wants to help a student who struggles with transitions after coming in from recess or the cafeteria. So think about this for a moment. Recess represents a lot of chaos for kids. There aren't always clear rules or structure, and many of our kids aren't athletic or they don't play well with other kids, so it can be stressful.

22:12Lunchtime can be tough because it's loud and overwhelming and your kids may be sitting alone eating. So when they come back into the classroom afterwards, it can be a challenge. So imagine the teacher saying, Hey, Jordan, I can really use your help when you come in from recess because our kids like feeling helpful for other adults, just not us. So, Jordan, picture these three things in that incredible brain of yours. One water bottle, three paper towels, and the front row of desks in my classroom. See, now Jordan knows exactly what the teacher wants him to do, clean those desks. He now has a specific mission to focus on when he comes back into the classroom instead of just come back into class and behave.

22:55The directions are specific. Three paper towels, not the whole roll. We're also meeting sensory needs because he gets to put pressure on the desk while he's reading, while using a wiping motion like in Karate Kid. right he's getting cross-brain stimulation gets the satisfaction of seeing the desk go from being dirty to clean and now the teacher gets to end this scene by saying oh man thank you Jordan really good job with that instead of correcting your child. See I love that process and a little side note if you have our programs we can send the ADHD University and the Brain Boosters programs to your child's teachers for free.

23:40So maybe over the holidays, they can listen to these, and you can listen, and your kids listen, and you actually come up with an action plan to start the new year with some positive strategies if you need help with that. If you don't have our programs, take advantage of the Christmas sale. If you need help financially, email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, celebratecalm.com, and we'll help you with that. We can send these programs to your child's teacher. It's really cool. So, okay, a lot of ideas in there. Start to work on some of these over the holidays. See how they work. Just practice them. And I don't want you to be your child's timer.

24:18I want them to learn how to do these things. And I hope this also helps many of you. By the way, in the programs, I believe there's a program called ADHD for Adults or something for, it's a lot of tips for those of you who are neurodivergent yourself. I have a whole program on that that comes in that package. So I hope you found this helpful for yourself. And after the new year, I'm going to do some podcasts on, hey, what if you're a neurodivergent parent with a neurodivergent child? Because that's a ton of fun. Because we went through all that. All right. Love you all. Thank you for listening.

24:50Thanks for working so hard at this. Bye-bye.