Moody, Intense Kids Who Complain & Control The Mood Of Your Home #544

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1:27When we change into the lightweight, luxurious, cozy earth bamboo pajamas, they kind of invite us to settle into sleep mode. So get them for you and your spouse, or just get two for you. These PJs are so ridiculously comfortable, they sold out during the holidays. But Cozy Earth is giving my listeners an exclusive offer. Buy one, get one free bamboo PJs. Go to CozyEarth.com. Use code CALMBogo to take advantage of this through February 8th. That's CozyEarth.com, code CALMBogo, B-O-G-O, to get these PJs for you and someone you love. Do you have a child who wakes up grumpy, can be intensely frustrated when little things go wrong, or seems irritated much of the time and you don't know why?

2:18How about a child who complains about everything and just seems miserable and ungrateful? Or older kids who want you to hop on their emotional rollercoaster ride? Do you have one child who controls the mood of your home? I want to give you some odd scripts and some action steps that are a little counterintuitive so you can change this dynamic in time for the holidays and really for the next year and the next 10 years. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our Christmas sale at CelebrateCalm.com.

2:56So I want to go through a number of different points here. I have it mapped out, but I didn't script it because sometimes with podcasts like this, I don't want to restrict myself and I want to just kind of go with the flow. And hopefully it ends up well, because I actually just was rereading this and I came up with two additional points, which were better than the other ones. And I bet some other ones come out. So let's say you've got little kids and I get we get a lot of emails about the little kids of like, oh, my six year old or four year old. Oh, they're so difficult and they're moody and intense.

3:31Yes, they wake up in the morning. They have an agenda. They get these ideas of what they want to do. And they're so easily frustrated. So big point with your younger kids, and this is kids of all ages, is give them some ownership. If you have a strong-willed child who's younger, I'm constantly saying this. Hey, here's what needs to happen. I just don't care how you get it done. Hey, do you want to do this in some kind of weird way? I do challenges. Hey, bet you can't do it backwards or blindfolded. Say yes as much as possible. I know we want to instantly go to, no, you can't do that. Find ways to get to yes with these kids within your boundaries.

4:19I'm just going to push you to say you have to make your boundaries bigger. Some of you are very, very rigid. If you have a strong little child, you are going to have to expand the boundaries of yourself, of time, because some of you are like, oh, we live on a very tight timeline. You can't do that. It won't work. You'll be snapping at your kids all the time. They'll eventually shut down. So slow it down a little bit. Work on your own control issues so you can say, yeah, you know what? If you want to do it that way, I'm cool with that. Now, are you really cool with it inside? No. It's like, why can't you just do it the way I told you to do it?

5:00But if you keep doing that, then you're causing the power struggles. I'd also look into with younger kids gut issues. A lot of your kids have anxiety. So that lives in the stomach. It will make their stomach upset. Some of your kids have eczema. So you notice if they drink a lot of fruit juice and a lot of sugar, it will irritate their skin. Well, what happens? Well, if my stomach doesn't feel good or I'm anxious about school or going to that new place, well, I'm probably going to be a little bit more irritable. So just watch for that. And obviously kids who don't sleep enough can struggle with that.

5:36Now, I mentioned this a couple minutes ago, but think about these kids that we have. They are born in tents. They often visualize things. They're very visual. So they will picture something in their brains. They're also very mission oriented. They're not always task oriented, right? It's not always like, hey, go do these three chores. No, but bigger projects, bigger things, they get a vision for it. These are kids who are often going to become visionaries. Some of them are perfectionists who have big goals, and they're also very particular. And I don't mean that in a negative way, because I hate sometimes I mentioned in a recent podcast, like, oh, my child is picky with food.

6:21No, your child's particular. So am I. And there's nothing wrong with that. And so think of the opposite. it. So I had a stepdad. He was just a really nice man. But he didn't have a vision for anything. All he did as he got older was he just did crossword puzzles. So he never really got upset. The biggest thing in his life to go wrong would be like, oh, my pencil ran out of lead. Oh, horrors. But he didn't have a big vision for things. I have a brother who loves just checking things off on a checklist. He just likes to be told what to do. But you and I often have kids who get a big vision for things, and they get a vision for things that they're not really ready to accomplish.

7:07You've seen this with little kids, and you're like, look, you're only four or you're seven. You can't do this. But they want to do it. Well, guess what? That leads to a lot of frustration. One other thing these are also kids who tend to specialize they're not always great at everything but they'll find a certain area and you've seen that they'll have a certain passion and they'll be like they'll read like 18 books or watch documentaries on this one topic and they hyper focus on one thing and they want to go very very deep into that that's part of their genetic or i don't know if it's their genes, but it's part of their wiring and their makeup.

7:49So these are kids who are going to get frustrated. Casey and I are just like this. So guess what? When things don't go our way, and oftentimes when little things go wrong, oh, there is, you will hear a flurry of us saying, oh darn, I'm really upset. Yeah, you're not going to hear that. You're probably going to hear some worse words because that's how we get our frustration out. So here are a couple things that I encourage you to do with these kids. One is just know that's how they're made. Don't be thrown off by it. There's nothing wrong with them. People with big dreams also usually have big frustration.

8:26And so I want you sometime to ask them and say, hey, I'm curious. Is the reason you get really frustrated because did you picture this? Like, did you wake up? Was this a vision inside your head of how you wanted to do it? Ask them what it feels like so that they can say yes and they can start to verbalize and say, yes, I had an idea of how I wanted to do it and it didn't work out the right way and I'm frustrated at myself and then I take it out on you. I want them to know that's what's going on. That it's not just like, oh, they're out of control kids. Oh, they have big emotions. I think they're more defined by they have big dreams and that just leads to the frustration.

9:11Another thing I would tell them, hey, you know what this tells me about you? Is that you're very conscientious. You care about how things turn out. And that's what a lot of inventors and visionaries do. And I love that about you. That is extremely helpful quality. If you are going to be an architect or an engineer or a dentist, you have to be particular about things. That's a great quality to have. Here's the thing. You're just going to get very frustrated. So I want you, this is an interesting concept. I'm going to start this so I can develop more on this later. I want you to teach your kids, one, that their intensity is a good thing.

9:52Two, how to use that intensity to their advantage. because it is a huge advantage in life because you can build things and you can grow things and you take risks and you can do great things. But the third thing is to teach them how to do it without destroying things, without self-sabotaging themselves. I would begin practicing and saying, you know what? I'd be frustrated too. Man, you had a vision, didn't turn out right. Hey, you know what? Let's go for a walk right now. Let's go for a hike. Let's go for a run. You know what I found in life, son? is when I get really frustrated, I just need to sleep on it because otherwise I'll come in and I'll kind of ruin it.

10:33Have you seen me do that before? Talk to them normally. Hey, can you ever remember, remember when you were building that particular project and you got frustrated and you just knocked it all down? Well, afterwards you regretted it. So I want you to teach, I want you to learn how to use your intensity so that you're in control of it and so it doesn't control you. that's a pretty cool concept to teach your kid. And that was not in my notes. And that's why I like doing podcasts like this. I get so excited to get new insights like this or put them into different words. So thank you for listening to the podcast because it's so much fun for me to learn and be like, oh, I just learned something new about my child.

11:16Or some of you, it's like, oh, I'm learning about myself. I'm this way. I've self-sabotaged myself in life. Okay, a couple more ideas that just came to mind. One is this. Model for your kids how you deal with your own intensity, but also your own moods. I was, look, a lot of times with Casey, I was just very honest. And some days I just say like, you know what? I get home from like, we do a big work trip and we'd be gone for like two weeks. and sometimes I'd have a pity party afterwards. I'd be like, why am I doing this? Like, I'm a very grateful person. I'm positive, lots of energy. I'm an optimizer, right?

11:57Those kind of thing that's annoying. But occasionally I'd have a pity party and I remember thinking, you know what? Once every few months, I am going to give myself a half a day or a day to just have a pity party. I think it was because I was tired. But most of the time it was this. It was like, I'd just be like, you know what? I woke up, I'm just in a bad mood. Have you ever had those days? You don't even know why you're in a bad mood. But what I've learned as I've gotten older is to not always fight that. Now, I know it's like, okay, do your gratitude list, get over that. But sometimes it's just there.

12:33So I would tell my family this, and I think this is excellent modeling. Okay, I'm just kind of in a bad mood today. You didn't cause it. You don't have to make it better. It's not your responsibility. So I'm going for a walk. I'm going to read. I'm just going to listen to some music for a while. So what you're doing is you're just normalizing it. Being in a bad mood isn't because you did something wrong or you didn't pray enough or all those things where it's like it just gives you all this guilt, it's like, no, this is a normal part of life and I'm going to model for you how to handle it. Now, I will confess one of the hardest things for me in life as a guy is this, when my wife is in a certain mood.

13:23Because when I'll tell you the good side, the favorable part is like, well, I love her so much. I just don't want her to be unhappy and I want the best for her. Well, that's true. But if you want to know the deeper part and probably the more honest part, It's that it just irritates me because I'm this happy guy. I'm having a great day. Why aren't you having a great day? Now you're bringing my mood down. Are we both going to have to be super reflective today? So that's my own immaturity. And one of the things I've learned as I've gotten older and I've gotten so much better at this is to know I don't have to fix her mood.

13:59She doesn't have to fix mine. It is so liberating when there's those certain days to know, okay, my job right now, I'm just going to focus on my mood. I'm going to be available. I will be respectful. So on those days, maybe I give extra space or I just say, hey, if you want to talk, if you want to go for a walk, if you want to do something, just let me know. But if you want some space to just work through this, I'm good with that too. And I don't have to fix it. That is so liberating for me personally, but also it's liberating in our relationship. Because think about the other side. Now she doesn't have to act a certain way just so that I'm okay.

14:43Because that's happened in the past of like, well, he's bothered by my mood. You know what? I feel responsible for everybody else's moods and I don't want to ruin his day. So I'll just put on the happy face. That's not good either. So this is all about us growing up together. It's really cool. So what about those kids who complain a lot or grumpy teens and tweens? So it's the same principle as your kids get older, where you release them to own their own moods and you don't feel compelled to fix their moods, to make everything better. It is such a cool thing. You know, I don't mention it ever because people don't really write us like, hey, help us work on our marriage.

15:29It's always like fix the kids. And my response is usually like, you know what? The best way to help your kids is if you two model how to handle conflict and have this healthy relationship in front of them. If you ever get one of our packages, the package on the Christmas sale, there's 17 programs. One is a Calm Care Couples University. It's a marriage program. And even if you're not married, it's on how to have a healthy relationship with yourself and other people. And it is so profoundly good. I hope you will go through it because I tried to make it very practical, especially for men who won't go to marriage therapy.

16:06But with your teens, it's that same thing of like, no, I release you. You can own your own moods. And then there's the other part of like, hey, I'm not giving that power to you. I refuse to give you power over my mood. Remember, with younger kids, it's kind of like, no, I'm going to say no. You can be upset, but your mood does not determine my mood or my response. So with older kids, here are a few things. Listen to them a lot. Your tweens and teens, listen 10 times more than you lecture. Be curious about their life. Acknowledge what they're going through. It's the first time they're going through this, so just acknowledge it.

16:45you can always say that thing of like you know what I appreciate you sharing that with me I've got to go get started on dinner I'm going to be in the garage if you want to come grab me later I'd love to share some thoughts with you and then here's one that I really love just sit with them not opposed to them like they're the teenager and I'm the parent I'm trying to get them to think like me and do what I want them to do or fix them just sit with them like as you're driving in a car, sit next to them as they're navigating this new world and acknowledge that it's new, it's confusing, it's hard.

17:20And I was thinking, wouldn't you love sometimes to have your spouse or a friend or if you have a grown parent, just sometimes sit with you and not try to help you with your mood? See, that's infuriating, right? Hey, do you need some help? Do you want to talk Talk about why you're in this mood right now. No, you know what? You're making it way worse. Stop trying to fix me. Sit with them and don't fix it. That is one of the coolest things. And what you will communicate is you're going to get through this. It's normal. It's expected. You're going to be on a roller coaster in your teen years. But I believe you're capable of handling this.

18:01Okay, complaining kids. You have those kids where you save up all your money, way too much money. you take them to Disney or an amusement park or on some vacation. Some of you are going to about to do that over the holidays. And they complain literally the entire time about every little thing. You get home. A couple of days later, the grandparents come by and they're like, hey, how was vacation? And this same child is like, grandma, grandpa, that was like the best vacation ever. And you're like, wait, what? What is that about? So here's what I want you to know. I've to repeat it. This is not a gratitude issue.

18:38I can promise you 100 % it is not a gratitude issue. This is how many of our intense kids process their feelings, their frustration, and their disappointment. They verbalize it. They will often catastrophize. Great, now the whole day is going to be ruined. You know how I know how to do that voice? Because I catastrophize. You know what I realized it is. I'm setting up the expectation that it's going to be so bad that when it's not, it's kind of a relief. It's managing expectations. And that is a huge deal for those of us who have big expectations. That's what's happening. So I've been through this before.

19:20You can have them vent and put boundaries on. Hey, after school, totally get it. Next seven minutes, why don't you vent and Tell me everything that you dislike about your school day and about your teachers and everything else. And I will validate that. Yeah, that stinks. I'd hate to have to do that too. But after seven minutes, we're going to problem solve. What are you going to do differently? It is okay. And use this with wisdom to ask them, hey, are you really this unhappy right now? Or are you just verbalizing your frustration? because it would help them to know, well, this is how I process so they can be open about it.

20:00You could join in a little bit and say like, oh man, I hate it when that happens. You know what happened to me today at the office? So I shared this, I think, on Instagram. Casey took me on a father-son hiking trip this summer. And there's this one day when he had this big hike planned and he puts a lot of time and effort into planning the route, not going where everybody else is. So we get like a lot of elevation and vert and a good workout. But we also get places where the tourists and other hikers don't go and amazing views. And that morning it was foggy. You couldn't see a thing. And so we're climbing like this is 4 ,000 feet straight up.

20:37And he's just complaining because the day is going to be ruined. And I remember I do this for a living. Like I teach you guys this stuff all the time. And inside I'm like, okay, what do I teach people? What do I teach people? And I was because I wanted to counter it. I wanted to say, you know what, you don't have to ruin it by doing this. I didn't want to also dismiss it and say like, you know what, it's going to be fine. The fog's going to break. It's going to be okay. So I didn't. I just kept saying to myself, I'm going to have a great day. I'm going to have a great day. My job is not to fix my son's mood.

21:08It's not to tell him that he needs to be grateful that we get to do that, that he has such an awesome dad. Kidding. But I controlled myself in that. And it was so cool to watch his response as the day and the morning went on. And at one point he turned around and he said, Dad, I know this is hard for you to listen to. And I appreciate you not saying anything. I'm just working through it. He said, I know that we won't always have these times together to do these epic hikes. And I just want them to be so special for you. and it's like even as I say that now I'm getting a little like choked up like ah see it's like their motivations are good and they're just these intense kids who's like I've got this dream and this vision of how this hike is going to go and now it's not going the right way and all that as it turned out the sun came out later and it was a amazing one of the most amazing days of our life but I got to practice kind of what I teach so relax with that it's not a gratitude issue I promise you with that so the kids who control the mood of the home look if you do all these other things and you create successes which we've been to getting them using their gifts talents and passions and not giving them power over you all those things man it will begin to change this a lot so I got this really cool email from this mom and she said I got my she said I I I'm old enough now to know that I'm not going to get the Christmas gifts that I really want but you do have to learn how to be assertive.

22:42So she said, I went ahead and I asked my husband, I was like, all I want, I just want to get this package. I want to start working on this. So we used your Christmas sale and we took advantage of that. We started listening to the programs and she said, this is really cool. We're a few weeks in. The biggest change is this. I'm controlling myself. I'm not being responsible for managing everybody else's emotions. I'm not being responsible for everybody else's happiness. I don't have to fix, she's got three kids, I don't have to fix their moods or my husband's. I don't feel compelled to change and fix and lecture the kids.

23:21And she said her husband has come a long way. He's like 60 % better on this because he's really throwing himself into that. She said we'd spent years and thousands of dollars on our child therapy for him, family therapy and she said it didn't do much because it was still focused on changing our son she said we spent like less than like two hundred dollars on your programs and now we're changing our responses and it's not perfect we're not a perfect family but we're enjoying our kids again I'm not feeling compelled to be responsible for everybody else just myself and she said we've switched and my husband and I are getting closer because we're seeing this.

24:09We used to fight over how to change the kids because we had different ideas about how to do that. Now we have a common goal. We're both learning how to control ourselves and grow up and be mature adults. And now we're on the same team. We're actually helping each other. And this is a really cool thing. She said, we're not really fixed focused on fixing the kids and yet their behavior is much better our attitude is much better and it's so liberating and she said my husband and I were just she said there's something has happened where now they're together helping each other saying I'm immature in that area will you help me and they're dealing with a lot of the childhood stuff so I just I say that because I have so much respect for you all you're breaking generational patterns and I'm so proud of you.

25:01So listen to this one again. Watch the Instagram videos I do on this because there were a lot of little things in here about teaching your kids how to use their intensity so it doesn't control them. About normalizing, modeling, how you deal with your own moods. It's really cool. Do that stuff. It will change your home. All right. Love you all. If we can help you at all, if you need help financially with anything, reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at celebratepalm.com. We will be super thrilled to help you out. All right. Love you all.