Parenting A Take-Charge Child Without Butting Heads Or Giving In #612

0:00So how many of you can relate to this mom? She said, I not only have to manage the emotional temperature of the home, but my own internal temperature fluctuations. So I took a chance and I tried the Cozy Earth bamboo sheets and pajamas. Total game changer for me. No more night sweats, much deeper sleep. I wake up feeling refreshed. We love hearing that because that's our experience with Cozy Earth. Incredibly breathable, heavenly soft cooling and great quality. Cozy Earth gives you a 10-year warranty and 100 nights of hassle-free returns on bedding. During the hot summer, stay cool all day and night with Cozy Earth temperature-regulating bamboo shorts.

0:41I love these shorts. Tees, PJs, sheets, and their new beach towels. Cozy Earth is made from viscose from bamboo. Breathable, soft, and built for summer. So head to CozyEarth.com. Use my code CALM for an exclusive 20 % off. CozyEarth.com. Use code CALM for 20 % off. And please tell CozyEarth the CALM guy sent you. So here's a cool story of how two parents chose to inspire their child's curiosity this summer. The parents signed up to learn calculus and Spanish at IXL.com slash Kirk to support their kids taking a class over the summer. I love this. You are learning right alongside your child. They can see you wrestling with ideas, being curious, and at times asking them for help.

1:31It's awesome modeling for your kids, and it makes it feel like learning is a family adventure, not just something you make them do. iExcel is an award-winning learning platform with an easy-to-navigate layout that uses interactive practice and step-by-step video tutorials that make it perfect for relaxed summer learning. So what class are you going to take this summer? Make an impact on your child's learning. Get iExcel now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an iExcel membership when you sign up today at iExcel.com slash Kirk. Visit iExcel.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price.

2:14It's so easy to lock horns with a demanding strong-willed child who barges into a room and declares what they're going to do without asking your permission. Does your child ever delay bedtime because they just have to complete a project, even though it's already way past bedtime? How do you avoid escalating power struggles without giving in? How can you get these kids who won't even follow simple directions to actually be more responsible? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, also host of the PDA Parent Podcast. And you can find that in our special Christmas in July sale.

2:53So you can finally stop these power strolls at CelebrateCalm.com. So when strong-willed kids wake up, they often picture something in their brains. And these visuals are very powerful. See, now they've got a vision, a mission, and they want to carry that out. Now, that is going to serve them so well in life, is also going to cause endless power struggles with parents and teachers because their ideas are going to come into conflict with what you and teachers want them to do each day. So I want to take you through a few examples of how this can work. And just to be clear, we had a rule in our home that I was steadfast about.

3:31If Casey started demanding things of us, I would simply say, I don't do demanding. Just because your kids are strong-willed doesn't mean you let them run all over you or act oblivious to the needs of others. So you always have that right. But here are some other options. So think about this. Do you have a child who gets an idea in their head and they won't let it go? Sometimes it's completing a project and they just have to complete it before bedtime. but it's already 15 minutes past bedtime, and they've promised 12 times that they'll be done in just a couple, but it keeps dragging on, and you're tired, and you just want them to finally go to bed.

4:12They have a single-minded focus to complete this project, and you can see it's going to take more than a couple more minutes. You're frustrated. Now there's tension because you have these competing demands, and you're the authority figure, so this is frustrating. So your tone becomes short and the power struggle is coming, right? Because you know what? If you do not clean that up and get in bed young, as soon as you hear yourself talking in those clip tones, you just have to stop. Nothing ever good comes after you begin talking like that. So I like to give options. Number one, you can simply say no.

4:56And put the project up. Use an even, matter-of-fact tone. Don't talk a lot. Stay steadfast. Now, it will likely prompt a huge meltdown on their part. And that's okay. Just endure it. That's an option. And they'll learn, hey, when I say something, I mean it. And no, we're not extending your bedtime over this. That's an option. Number two, you could say with intensity, you know what? I love that you get a vision for doing these projects. Because they're so creative. And I know you really, really, really want to see it finished tonight. I've got an idea. Let's put it up now so no one can touch it and the dog can't knock it over.

5:38And tomorrow morning, I'll wake you up a few minutes early. I'll make your favorite breakfast while you get this done while your brain is fresh. Now, I like that option. And it will work sometimes. Sometimes it will not. And so if I can give you perspective, there isn't always a good answer. Some nights are just going to be rough and ugly, and that's normal. And it didn't mean that you did something wrong. And if I'm being honest, it doesn't mean that they're necessarily doing something wrong. I know you could say like, well, they're just being disobedient. They're not listening. You know what?

6:14They're being kids. These are kids who get very invested in their ideas, and they want to hyper focus and get it done. and later in life, that is the very quality that will help them. Look, I'm recording this podcast. It's 9.52 at night. It's a little bit late to be doing this, but we have big plans. We have this big hike that we want to do tomorrow because we're actually going early because the path is supposedly closed because of snow, but we want to do it. I'm not saying that's right or wrong. You can judge me if you want. I'm okay with that. But see, I'm hyper-focusing tonight. I'm getting this done.

6:51So it's normal. So the other option is the old, hey, if you can't beat them, join them. Now, look, you're the parent. You wield ultimate authority here. So you can grab that project, use a firm tone and make them go to bed. But this isn't some competition to see who wins this power struggle because nobody wins a power struggle. So you say, look, I'm going to go get a snack and lay here on the floor while you finish your project. I really admire your persistence and your desire to complete things that you start. See, that's a great thing to say. And then you let them stay up and they're going to be tired in the morning.

7:31And your night didn't go as planned. But I would expect your agenda to be constantly messed up throughout their childhood. Or you go and finish one of your 487 chores or projects while they finish theirs. You just give them a kiss on the head and say, hey, let me know when you're done. I'm excited to see how it turns out now are you really excited no I just want you in bed so I can relax right and so you won't be crabby tomorrow but this is the dance of parenthood and it's normal and you're not a bad parent if you choose to read the moment and handle it this way because you know the typical way with a strong willed child does the typical way just doesn't work with our strong willed kids right and you may have to endure a spouse accusing you of coddling this child, letting him get away with things.

8:24But you really just used wisdom. And so your child is content and proud of what he did. And he's in bed an hour late, or let's be realistic, two hours late. But if you just choose the hardcore path, the meltdown could last three hours. So you get to choose, and it may be a different choice on different nights. So here's another common situation. I was talking to this family whose child geeks out on doing new things, right? To get the novelty, the dopamine rush. They prefer adult type activities. It's perfect because we're raising kids for the adult world. So don't miss that trait. And the child wanted to make coffee every morning.

9:07Well, that makes sense to me. Casey drank coffee from a young age. It actually calmed him down and helped him focus. So their child comes in into the kitchen intent on making coffee. Now you as the mom or dad have 13 good, logical, reasonable reasons that your son should not make coffee then. And all of your reasons are reasonable. It's not that you're doing anything wrong. That's what makes it so difficult with a strong-willed child because the things that work on your compliant kids backfire on this child. It's also true that sometimes we as parents get in the habit of reflexively saying no to our kids.

9:44And that's kind of ironic, given that our Strongwell kids reflexively say no to things that you ask them to do. So here's my challenge for you this week. I want you to catch yourself before you shut down the vision. I want you to think for a couple seconds and then find a way to say yes to something they can do within your boundaries. It may not be exactly what your child is wanting or demanding, but I want you to find a way to say yes. In this situation, your child's brain is on fire. You can even see it in their eyes. They're a single-minded and focused. So here's a strange phrase to remember.

10:26Give your child's brain a win. It's critical to create successes, get positive momentum, and feed that brain in healthy ways. I know this is hard because your kids don't come into the kitchen or greet you after work and say, Mother, Father, thank you for providing all of these opportunities for us that you never had. May I please make some coffee? I'd be ever so grateful if you would let me do this. That's not going to happen. They're not going to do that. They just head straight to the coffee maker and begin getting into stuff. And I can feel that viscerally right now because I can feel like, oh, you're going to make a mess.

11:03You're not going to do it right. You're going to mess up my coffee beans. And I'm going to have to clean it all up. And so I get that initial that you're a grown adult. You can see it like it's in slow motion. So I understand. and inside you're like, you have no idea how to use the coffee maker. But as usual, you will possibly start touching stuff and studying it and it just bothers us, right? When you try to explain rationally why they can't make coffee this morning, well, now they're going to go into a tourney mode and wear you down with arguments that are quite good. And then your tone's going to get sharper as they keep tinkering with it until it triggers a big fight.

11:48And then you're going to be tempted to respond with your own tone. I said no. Did you not hear me? And then you trail off into some useless lecture. But next time, I want you to use this process instead. Number one, check your own anxiety and control issues. Check your own triggers. Again, you're not being unreasonable at all. Just check your anxiety, your control issues, how you're feeling that night, if you're irritated or that morning. Number two, say yes to the idea. Say yes to the idea and the concept first by affirming something positive. You know what? I think making coffee is a great idea.

12:28Now, do you really? No. Because you know he's going to leave a big mess and you just don't want to have to deal with that this morning. You don't have time to get all this done and get your other kids ready. But you bite your tongue even as you're thinking inside. Great. You're motivated to make coffee, a grown-up thing, but I can't even get you to put your dishes in the sink, take out the trash, or do one homework assignment. That is frustrating. But you make this shift in perspective because the other way only leads to power struggles and never really works. Look, if you could win the power struggles, I might be willing to say, go ahead and win it.

13:03But it's like you have the power struggle, but it still doesn't work. So you say, you know what, I actually think it's pretty cool and grown up that you know how to do this at your age. Number three, give your child some ownership within your boundaries. It's really powerful. So maybe you say, hey, why don't you become the barista of our home? You're giving your child some ownership of this task and asking him to assume a more adult-like, more responsible position. See, this is what I'm really after. I don't want your kids to just do what you tell them to do all the time. That's fine. But then I'm setting them up for a life in which their job is to just go through life doing things that they're supposed to do.

13:47See, I wanted to raise a responsible child. I want more responsibility. See, you're actually asking your child to assume more responsibility. I know we all want our kids to learn to follow directions, but you know what is even more important? Teaching them to make decisions, to actually think, to take on more responsibility. And so some of the feedback we've gotten from the PDA Parent Podcast is that parents aren't having to wait on their kids and be bossed around by them anymore. These PDA kids are capable of much more. Well, but aren't you just giving in in this situation? No. You are the authority figure in the home.

14:30You hold all the power. I think you are simply exercising that power with wisdom, with humility, and with generosity. And you're taking the larger view here. I know it's hard as a parent. You're incredibly busy managing so many modern-day demands that you barely have time to breathe. You're just trying to make it through the day without too many tears and fights. But we get in a rut, and sometimes we miss the bigger picture. Does it really matter if your child makes a mess? No. Is it inconvenient? Yes. But I promise, if you look at it the right way, this little mourning tradition can teach your child responsibility, provide an opportunity to bond together, and build your child's confidence.

15:14That's worth the mess to me. But let's take it a couple steps further and ask even more of your child. Okay, I'm a little embarrassed to admit this, but I bet you've fallen into this trap. We've had the same knives for decades, and they aren't sharp. So every single day when I'm cutting up a salad, pineapple, or chicken, it's frustrating. So I finally, finally went to Wayfair.com. I read the reviews. I ordered two very sharp, everyday knives for less than$20. I know it sounds dumb, but those knives are providing so much joy on a daily basis. They slice through everything. And now I kid myself for not doing this years ago.

15:58Don't live with kitchen or home regrets. What do you need to upgrade in your home? I bet you can do it for way less than you think at Wayfair. Head to wayfair.com right now to shop all things home and get your space ready for less. That's W-A-Y-F-A-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. So mom emailed and said, I have two picky eaters at home. One is eight and the other is 38. With Hungry Root, I can order meals tailored to the needs of our family without going down 14 different aisles. And Hungry Root now knows our preferences, so they recommend meals I wouldn't have even thought of. My picky son now prepares red sauce tortellini with Italian sausage by himself three times per week.

16:50Everyone is happy. We're not eating out as much. We're not stressed at mealtime. And my son is trying new things because he feels in control. You're going to love Hungry Root as much as we do. For a limited time, get 40 % off your first order. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. Go to HungryRoot.com and use code CALM. That's HungryRoot.com slash calm, code calm, to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. You're going to love Hungry Root. Number four, you can continue to challenge your child with even more responsibility. Hey, could you be in charge of the coffee every morning?

17:31So let's add a challenge. I've got an idea. Could you look up different recipes with healthy spices you could add to our coffee, like ginger or turmeric? See, instead of the immediate shutdown and ensuing power struggle, you're now engaging your child and giving them a challenge. You could even challenge your child to cook a meal for the family one day a week. Many of our kids are excellent, messy chefs. So instead of a long lecture about how your child always wants to do inconvenient things, you're actually expecting more of your child. Here's another tough idea you have to wrestle with. Your strong-willed child probably won't be great at doing chores, but they will often step up and change the oil in the car, do landscaping or yard work, cook a meal every week.

18:13Good. See if this distinction makes sense. I'd rather raise a responsible child than an obedient child. See, an obedient child merely carries out instructions. Well, a responsible child must think, analyze different options, judge which option is best. Best. Sometimes they have to risk failure. They have to make a decision and live with the consequences. They have to lead others. And I want to give you some hope. I was hiking with Casey the other day, and he just got offered a consulting job, kind of on the side, with this company with virtually no supervision, perfect for our kids, and a lot of freedom.

18:52Why? Because the general manager knows she can trust Casey, that he makes good decisions, that he's responsible. They don't have to worry about him. And it's cool to see the kid who didn't like school or chores or cleaning his room just being himself and being respected by other professionals. They would be shocked if they had seen him as a little kid. So instead of just complaining to your spouse, to your friends, to yourself that your child is disobedient, right, or doesn't follow your directions, Instead, you begin to change the narrative in your heart and inside your child's head and heart to this.

19:36Hey, I have a child who's responsible and capable of doing adult-type jobs. That's going to make my child wildly successful in the real world. See the difference? It changes from, well, he never listens to anything I say. She doesn't follow through on things. He doesn't do his chores. Why can't they ever do that? Instead, my narrative becomes, oh man, I give my child a challenge and this child steps up and takes ownership of it. And now I don't even have to worry about it because they're very responsible when they're doing adult type projects. Otherwise, you're going to spend 18 years trying to get them to care about what you care about and try to be good at being a kid and good at doing schoolwork all the time.

20:17And then we crush their confidence. Instead, I look out to the future and say, oh man, this is going to serve you well. in the real world. Number five, this is going to be tough for you as if everything isn't. All right, I know it's so hard, but know that your child in this situation is going to leave little droplets of coffee and cream and spill sugar and leave little wrappers on the counter and he's not going to clean up the right way. And I can say that with pretty much 100 % certainty. So what's your response to this? It's one of two things. One, you could use an even matter-of-fact tone and say, hey, I love the job you're doing as barista.

20:54Here is one more responsibility or challenge. You need to clean up your mess or you haven't really done your job. So no more barista job and definitely no tip until you learn how to clean up. I think that's very reasonable. If you do it in an even matter-of-fact way, hopefully they'll just step up with it. What I don't like is a snotty lecture. You know what? I go out of my way to let you do this and if you're not gonna learn how to clean up, you're just not gonna get to do coffee anymore. So no snotty lectures, just very clear expectations. Now, here's another option I don't want you to feel guilty about doing.

21:29Some of your kids are horrible at cleaning up. You've tried 87 different ways. So you put some music on, you smile, you savor your coffee while you're cleaning up next to your child, having a conversation about all the other responsible things they're doing. Now, I know this is not how you pictured your child behaving. because some of you grew up thinking, well, I'm just going to tell my kids what to do and they're going to do it. And then you had a strong little child who has pushed all your buttons and caused you to grow so much. But this is a child you've been given. And watch what you just did here, which is cool.

22:06You took what was a certain power struggle and nobody, nobody wins the power struggle. And you turned it into a bonding moment because you stepped back from your own anxiety, from your own control issues. and you paused for a moment and you found a way to say yes to something. So final step, think of common situations in which you and your spouse act like Dr. No all the time. Begin to rethink those situations and ask, well, how can we be creative? How can we get to yes? How can we encourage our kids to use their gifts and become more responsible? All within our acceptable boundaries. I'm just asking you to make your boundaries a little wider and larger with these kids, not letting them do whatever they want.

22:56I keep my boundaries. I'm just not as rigid as I used to be. And watch your child's expression when you say, you know what, I usually say no to this, but I'm going to say yes today with these specific conditions. And you could even add, hey, I wonder if you could do this better than I can do it. because some kids love that challenge. By the way, back to what I just said. I'm going to say yes today with these specific conditions. See, that's perfectly fair. I'm saying yes, you've got an opportunity, but you don't get everything you want, and you've got to do it within these boundaries. I like that.

23:35Now, here's how another couple handled this similar situation. They said, we've always struggled with only having one option, the one we grew up with, which was do it or else. So they said we try to listen to 15 minutes of your programs on our daily commute and then we discuss one key concept or idea at night. What this has done for us is open up new options without us feeling guilty or like we're doing something wrong, without being flustered all the time. We're getting much better at reading the moment, trusting our instincts, and problem-solving rather than butting heads with our very hard-headed daughter.

24:19See, I love that. Reading the moment is so important. So let's practice this in the next few days. I know it's not easy. I know I'm challenging most of your deeply held beliefs and assumptions about parenting. So I appreciate you wrestling with these other ideas. Right? So other people are going to judge you and you'll judge yourself. But I won't because I'm proud of you for having the courage to change. And I encourage you over the summer, dig into this. Listen, binge listen to the podcast. Go through the programs. Let your kids listen to them and then ask, hey, how can you step up? Put it in their court.

25:00Your kids love that. Take advantage. If you don't have the programs, Christmas in July sale, celebrate calm calm. Calm because that's what makes these changes stick. If you need help financially or otherwise, email Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. Can I tell you something quickly? We were hiking the other day and he said, Dad, if you could tell parents anything, like if you were more like bold, what would you say? And I said, sometime on a podcast, I just want to say, you know what? You've emailed us a hundred times. You keep wondering, just get the programs, go through them. It will change your family.

25:30Why have you not done that? And I know people struggle financially. So then we say, hey, if you need help financially, email us. But that's if I was being, we're being bold, I'd say, just do it because we have 25 years of experience of people saying like, yeah, this is what changes things. So email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at celebratecom.com. He will happily help you. Okay. Love you all. Respect you so much for wrestling with us. Bye-bye. Get the best quality paints from Dutch Boy for all your projects at Minari. Max Fawn Plus exterior paint and primer in one is designed to stand strong against extreme leather.

26:08It provides max adhesion, hide, and performance and repels rain in just 90 minutes after application. And with Dutch Boy's high-performing paints that last, transforming your home has never been easier. Save big money on Dutch Boy paints and head into Menards today and get your paint project started. Save big money at Menards.