Practical Ways to Discipline (Not Punish) Toddlers Through Teens #565

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2:08Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So what do you do when your child steals candy or screens or money and then lies right to your face about it? What about a child who refuses to listen when you tell her repeatedly, stop doing this? Should you punish a toddler for picky eating? How do you handle a teen or tween who refuses to turn in their phone at night? That is what we're going to discuss, plus a lot more, on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin. You can find us and our winter sale on all of our programs at CelebrateCalm.com or Clom.

2:51If you want an ad-free version of the podcast, it's easy to subscribe to that at CelebrateCalm.com as well. And thank you for the really good and helpful feedback on the new PDA Parent Podcast for those of you with kids with pathological demand avoidance. I've got several episodes up now at CelebrateCalm.com. Just click on the PDA tab. So a good dad asked this on an Instagram post. I noticed candy missing from our pantry, so I asked my tween daughter if she knew what happened. She was very convincing that she had no idea where the candy went. You can hear your kids saying that, can't you? And it horrifies you.

3:28So a week later, I sat next to my daughter and asked her to be honest with me. And she asked, will you be upset with me? And I said, no. She then came clean and said that she ate all the candy because she was having a sugar craving and had no control. So I thanked her for being honest with me, and I let her know, though, if she lies again, there will be a consequence. So the dad asked me, well, what should the consequence or the punishment be for lying and taking things? So let's do a really quick review of what we discussed on the last episode on the difference between discipline and punishment, because I think that will help us in this answer.

4:14Punishment features ever-increasing consequences with no real behavior change. It's just an endless loop. Discipline gets to the root of the issue, so you don't have to keep addressing it. Punishment tends to feel like a parent flailing about, barking out generic sweeping consequences. Discipline is more specific and measured and has a defined end goal. Punishment separates us from our kids. Discipline draws us closer. Punishment usually feels reactive and rash. Discipline waits, de-escalates first, and it's also proactive. Punishment tends to breed shame and helplessness in the child, but discipline breeds competence and confidence.

4:55I've got some new skills to handle this. While punishment takes away, discipline adds. You're giving kids new tools and skills to be successful. Punishment tends to be punitive. Discipline is restorative. Punishment erodes trust. discipline should always lead to a closer, more trusting relationship. If you haven't listened, go back and listen to that episode. So let's dig into this question this dad asked. First of all, nice job, dad. You didn't react. You didn't shame. And you sat down next to your daughter, which usually gets a less defensive response. Well done. It's so interesting that she asks, are you going to be upset with me?

5:35So clearly this dad has built some trust with his daughter. and this is why many of our kids lie. They don't always fear a consequence like losing screen time or play dates. They fear the parent being upset with them. That's why one of my favorite discipline tools for kids of all ages is this. Have your kids actually practice walking into a room and telling you the truth. Telling you about something, oh they didn't actually do their chores or their homework or that they did take something they shouldn't have. So you physically practice this. They have to practice verbalizing hard truths to you.

6:17And then you practice not reacting. You practice acknowledging it, thanking them for telling you the truth, and then problem solving with them instead of reacting. And I would encourage you, practice that together with your spouse. Look, how many of you have a hard time speaking up for yourselves? And I get it because some of you have a spouse. When you have spoken up, well, they just dismiss you. They make excuses. They withdraw. They attack. They get angry. They justify their behavior. So I get that. But can you imagine if it's hard for you and I as adults to have a hard discussion and tell the truth to the person that you married.

6:59It's your equal. Imagine you're a kid and you have to tell your parents who have more power than you over their life. That's hard. So by the way, I would begin practicing. So right, because otherwise we let those underlying resentments build under the surface in marriages for years because we're afraid of our spouse's reaction. It would be a good time to ask your spouse to listen to the past three minutes of this episode and say, look, I need to be honest about some things, but I've been too afraid of your response, so I haven't told you. Can we practice telling each other hard things and then practice not reacting?

7:42Otherwise, those resentments and issues will continue to build under the surface, and one day they will just explode and cause a lot of damage for everyone. Okay, now back to the more comfortable area of parenting because people don't like to work on the marriage stuff sometimes. Like, I love my kids, but not so sure about my spouse. And it's hard. So practice that this weekend. I kind of want to end the podcast here because it'd be such a great thing to focus on. We, as a family, are going to develop new school skills of learning how to be assertive and speak up and not react to each other. That would be awesome.

8:20But let's keep going. So the dad's question was, well, what should the punishment or consequence be for lying and taking things? So think about this. The lying was really the result of his daughter making an impulsive decision and having a sugar craving and then not wanting to get caught. So the big win is to give her tools and teach her what to do the next time she has an impulsive craving for food or something else. Because look, most people struggle with impulsive desires their entire lives. So here's how I would handle it. One, normalize with your daughter. Almost all humans struggle with impulse control.

9:03It's not an excuse. It's simply acknowledging human nature so we can deal honestly with it. Number two, actively work on improving impulse control. And you can do that by working on your own impulse control side by side. You can be in this together. Practice it in small increments, purposefully turning off screens a few minutes early. That includes you as the parent. Leaving a few French fries on your plate because now, okay, that was some impulse control. Waiting before doing something you want to do. You know, I've been through that one with screens sometimes. Hey, if you turn your screens off two minutes early, I'll give you an additional seven minutes tomorrow night.

9:49delayed gratification. Number three, have a code word to use the next time she's struggling or the next time you're struggling. Maybe the code word is Skittles, and that means instead of giving into that impulse, you two go for a walk. Or maybe you eat something relatively healthy that's satisfying, but a better choice. Peanut butter or like dark chocolate with almonds or coconut. Well, that's better than candy, and you practice that together. You make progress, not perfection, and then you affirm her when she makes progress in small ways with impulse control. And you can also notice when you make progress.

10:31See, by handling it this way, you're bonding. You're making progress on an important life skill that she will use the rest of her life. And now you're ending the line because there's no need to. I hope that makes sense. So another question. My four-year-old is such a picky eater. Yeah, I know. We all have them. I'm sorry. That sounded dismissive. But I should have said it like this. Well, yeah, of course. That's really difficult. We all have kids like that. So it really bothers me. Sorry. Sometimes, you know what's funny from like my point of view? I get emails from people and they're like, oh my gosh, my child is doing this.

11:12And I'm like, really? that's what you're worried about, I can tell you like 18 other emails with kids who are doing way worse things. So being a picky eater at four, sorry for being dismissive, but not sorry that much. So it really bothers me that he doesn't eat any meat or vegetables. If we force him, he screams and cries and turns red in the face. All right, don't force him. And most of the time, this is what the mom said. It ends in punishment for not listening. So my response is, you're punishing a child for having a food preference, or in many cases, his resistance is caused by anxiety or gut issues.

11:53Notice the words here. It really bothers me that, right? It really bothers me that he doesn't eat meat or vegetables. See how this becomes about our anxiety and control issues? Well, it's because you're a good mom and you want your child to be healthy. Inadvertently, though, this pressure and guilt you may feel because your child should be eating more vegetables is exerting pressure on your son. And that always backfires, especially with our strong-willed kids and our PDA kids for sure. and I'm going to address that in a lot more detail on the PDA Parenting Podcast episode because I want our kids to exercise more autonomy over their food.

12:37You know your child better than anyone. So when something shifts like they're suddenly anxious around meals, cutting out foods, losing weight, or their personality just feels different, something more serious may be going on. When eating disorders show up, they can completely hijack a child's brain. That moodiness, withdrawal, combative behavior isn't them, it's the illness. The good news is the earlier you get support, the easier recovery is. And that's why I want to reintroduce you to Equip. Equip is a fully virtual eating disorder treatment program that brings best-in-class, evidence-based care right to your home.

13:12Every family gets an entire team, a therapist, dietician, medical provider, and mentors who've been through this themselves. They're experts in treating all eating disorders, even lesser known ones like ARFID. There's no wait list. It's covered by most insurance plans. And you can talk to an expert right away to get answers. So if something in your gut is telling you to look deeper, listen to it. Visit equip.health.com to get a free consultation with Equip. That's equip.health.com. So look, discipline means to teach and show. The best lecture is what you do. Focus more on what you are eating than what he is.

13:53And I'm just going to ask you, moms and dads, please chill with this thing. We've got this whole cultural thing that goes back to our childhood. Like, you're going to sit at the table. You're going to try to eat everything on your plate. And you have to try all these new things. Look, if you tried to do that to me as a grown adult, I would be furious at you. I would leave your house. Because it's like you're forcing kids. that food is something that they put in their bodies and you're creating so much anxiety around food that it will make it worse. So you and your spouse just happily, happily eat what you enjoy eating without trying to fix everybody else.

14:31If we could just do that in our lives, like just you model it, you do it, your kids will observe you. Don't comment on food, don't praise, don't complain, and don't make delicious noises. That's manipulative and annoying. Just eat your meal because you want to, not because you want your child to eat it. You have to give up the expectation that you're going to change their behavior. Sooner you do that, the sooner their behavior will change. Look, you just make healthier foods and protein bars available around the house. Many of our kids love to bake and cook. It's sensory. It's creating order out of disorder.

15:08It's creative. You get immediate feedback. There's a sense of accomplishment when you create something. And you get to control the ingredients. So let your kids help you and be involved. See, that builds comfort and curiosity and ownership around food. And when you remove the pressure, eating tends to improve on its own. I've mentioned before the consequence for Casey yelling at my wife wasn't just sitting in his room. I don't want anxious or unmotivated kids sitting in their room alone, brooding and unhappy. Instead, he would do service projects for her because that's restorative and builds connection.

15:48Now, what about that teen or tween not turning in their phone or that child who doesn't listen and continues to touch something you've told her not to touch like 10 times already? So a couple good parents emailed recently and said, hey, we've got a certain time that phones have to be turned in every night and our kids aren't doing it. So what should the, they said, what should the punishment be? Well, punishment is yanking their phone away and yelling in a frustrated voice, you know, I can't believe I have to tell you this every night. How are you ever going to be successful if you can't even follow some simple rules?

16:24You'll be lucky if you ever get a phone again and then kind of stomping out of the room and then negotiating over it for the next seven hours or days or weeks. That doesn't lead to any good outcomes, and it further erodes the relationship and trust. Look, discipline can be decisive and problem-solve and build the relationship. Now, the natural outcome can be they lose their phone. You can call Verizon and discontinue their line if it's serious enough, but you can take the phone for a period of time with no drama. They'll have drama, but you won't. And where I would say discipline comes in is then during the time when they've lost their phone, you spend some time connecting and problem solving with them.

17:09And I would acknowledge, of course you want to text with your friends later at night. I get the desire to be connected with friends at this stage of your life. It is one of the most important things you can do. But we're not doing that late night phone thing in our home. So let's brainstorm some other ways to stay connected. You can also teach, i.e. discipline them, how to be assertive and ask respectfully, hey mom, dad, my friends and I are in the middle of planning something for this weekend. Could I have an extra 30 minutes tonight to finish the planning? Right, they just can't need that extra time every night.

17:51right we've talked about this before the teacher the teenager who's drinking well the natural outcome of their behavior is that they lose their driver's license for their safety and others but the discipline part is helping discover why they're drinking so we can help if it's to alleviate anxiety let's find healthier ways to alleviate their anxiety or for them to fit in socially. So I hope that makes sense. You can be decisive. You can take things away. But then the discipline part is I'm going to go the extra step and say, I know this means something to you. I know you have this need. Let's problem solve.

18:36But the solution can't involve you texting at midnight, you drinking or vaping. So I love this next example. I think it illustrates the 10 distinctions we discussed in the previous podcast episode perfectly. Oh, by the way, these are the kinds of situations I'm going to be answering at a free live event in Frisco, Texas, a little bit north of Dallas on Monday, March 2nd from 6 to 8 p.m. So you look up the details at CelebrateCalm.com under live events. It's free, so I hope you'll come out. So these good parents with a strong-willed, sensory-seeking daughter repeatedly admonished her to stop touching something at grandma's house.

19:23Well, that makes sense. You can't just let strong-willed or any kid just do whatever they want because she could break something. And you want to respect grandma's stuff. But the girl, of course, kept touching grandma's things more. the dad got understandably frustrated and told me later he was so close to just spankering her or giving her a harsh consequence to get through to her that you have to listen and you cannot touch this i get that that frustration that impulse some of that comes from feeling like you have to do something you know otherwise you're one of those bad parents who let their kids get away with things And yes, your daughter should, should listen to you and stop.

20:07But she's not going to in this situation. Partly because it's become a game that she is controlling. Just think, she's a little kid and she is controlling the behavior of two grown, intelligent, smart adults. Just think how much power we give our kids. And she's getting so much brain intensity from both parents, right? Now, it's kind of fun to observe that when it's not your child. But same thing happened with Casey, so it's not funny. So you'll find yourself in this endless cycle of consequences to try to find the right one that actually works. It takes a lot of energy and everyone, including the spouse who is watching this unfold in horror, is stressed.

20:58So mom took her daughter out and said, hey, told her husband, why don't you listen to the discipline program on that app while I'm gone and have a plan when I get back. To his credit, this dad said, I finally listened to your programs and it clicked for me. I put myself in my daughter's shoes. You know, when I read that email and his dad said, I put myself in my daughter's shoes, do you know how amazingly cool that is? Instead of like, well, I'm the authority figure. I deserve to be listened to when I was a kid. No. He said, I put myself in my daughter's shoes and it became very clear that she likes touching things.

21:42She's very sensory and creative. She has been since she came out of the womb, and her brain was soaking all that intensity from me because I was being so intense with her. I heard you say, whenever you say no to something inappropriate, say yes to something appropriate and create a success. And by the way, this just popped into my head. What if I, quote, punished you for yelling at or reacting to your kids? It wouldn't help. The reason you listen to the podcast and the audio programs is because I get to teach and show you a different way, not just say like, you know what, you stink as a parent because you're yelling and reacting at your kids.

22:31I don't say that. I say it's normal for you. Look, it's, what do we just, we normalize. Of course my daughter wants to touch interesting new novel things. She's been sensory since she came out of the womb. So yeah, that makes sense, but she can't do it. So I'm going to give her something she can touch. So I do the same for you. Of course you would be frustrated when your kids aren't listening, when they don't want to go to bed. Of course, I totally get that, but we don't want to yell at them and react all the time. So I give you tools to do it differently. It's the same thing we're doing for our kids.

23:07So dad transitioned from a punishment mindset to a teaching mindset. So he said, I found all of these interesting old knickknacks I knew my daughter would love touching. I created a treasure hunt with her. She loved looking for clues. Our kids love that stuff because they see patterns and it's problem solving. And then she wanted to hide things from me. When I wasn't trying to correct her and was enjoying her, I noticed how smart she is, how she problem solves and thinks three steps ahead of me. And I told her that and she beamed. And then grandma asked her to bake some cookies and biscuits. Getting her hands in the dough and mixing ingredients was settling.

23:54and I heard her have such grown-up conversations with my mom, I was able to see how giving her that intensity in positive ways completely filled her bucket. And the dad said, this is new for me. I'm reworking a lot of old thought patterns. But as I was reading to my daughter before bed, I told her I was proud of her. And she looked at me and said, I'm proud of you for not being angry daddy and he said it just about broke my heart but I know we're on the right track you are so well done you're showing your daughter what she really needs you're building her confidence you're building that connection that was such an awesome thing like and I probably do a whole podcast on this level because what this dad said when I wasn't trying to correct her and I was enjoying her.

24:52Let's enjoy our kids as frustrating as can be this week. So I'm proud of you for working so hard at this, moms and dads. Let's practice a different approach this week. If you get the Calm Parenting podcast or package, go through the discipline that works in the 30 Days to Calm programs first. They will help immensely with this. If we can help you in any way, reach out to Casey, C-A-S-C-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Okay, you guys are crushing it. Super proud of you.