Quick Tips for Dads Ep. 1

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0:46Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Call Parenting Podcast listeners. Get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. so how many of you have strong will kids who just aren't living up to their potential and this is so hard as a dad because you see your kids making these mistakes and you see them not putting enough effort and you just want to correct them and show them a different way because you love your kids and want them to be successful one day you don't want them to struggle with the same things you did or make the same mistakes that we did earlier in our life so you get on them but they start to shut down and actually not listen to you.

1:34So that is what I want to go through on this edition of Quick Talk for Dads. So here's how this is going to work because this is the first episode. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. So I host the Calm Parenting Podcast. And every week we do a couple episodes that are about 22 minutes long. But I know that dads, we struggle with certain things because most of us did not have good role models as dads. My dad was career military. He was known in our home as the colonel. So it was a ton of fun growing up. And our dad used that fear and intimidation approach. And I don't want to do the authoritarian approach, but I also don't want to do that really sweet approach that a lot of our wives do because that doesn't work with strong-willed kids either.

2:16I like a calm, authoritative leadership approach. And so I almost ruined my relationship with our son. He is now 32 years old and an amazing young man. but he was every bit as strong-willed and challenging as your kids are. So I thought I would do this series where I keep the episodes, each of these, to about seven to nine minutes because as guys we tend to like things that are concise and actionable. Tell me what to do. Tell me what to stop doing. And so that's what I'm going to do every episode. I'm going to tell you one thing to stop doing, one thing to start doing. And so I'll do these like every two weeks.

2:55So let's just jump in. So here's the number one thing I want you to do. to stop doing for the next two weeks. Stop correcting, stop criticizing, stop nitpicking your strong-willed kids. And I know you're going to struggle with this because all men are like, you know what, if I'm not correcting my kids, then I'm not being a father. What else am I supposed to be doing here? Because that's kind of the model many of us grew up with. And I get it. You don't want your kids making these mistakes. And it's so very clear to us because we've lived lives and we've been through so many things and we can see it so clearly and we're like, son, daughter, stop doing this.

3:35Like, what were you thinking? You're hurting yourself. You're ruining your future. I can tell you all these different things that if you would just do these, you could optimize your life and you'll have an amazing future. You won't go through all the pain that I went through. I get that. And that impulse in you is really good. And we need dads who are teaching and showing. but I'm getting ahead of myself because I said I'll do one thing to not do not to do one thing to do but now I have like five things for you to do but instead of just correcting your kids model that if you want your kids to have self-control you model self-control so for the next two weeks let's stop correcting and criticizing I would ask your wife just say hey when I get that look on my face, when that lecture starts to come out of my mouth, when I get that certain tone, will you just give me a code word, a certain look, not a dirty look, right?

4:35But come over and maybe just touch my elbow with your hand to remind me just to back off. I just did a couple episodes on back off and shut up because it's very, very effective. So for the next two weeks, stop doing this. Now, here's what I want you to start doing. And the first thing I'm going to ask you to do is just listen to this ad. Usually our podcasts have four ads in them. This is short, so I'm going to have one up front. And I'm going to have an ad right in the middle of the podcast because I'm a guy. And I want the ad revenue. Here's what I make. I make 2.5 cents for everyone that you listen to.

5:12And you can just fast forward through them. But I'm going to leave them in there and ask you, that's your investment in this. I'm going to invest every two weeks in giving you some very practical things. I'm going to ask you to listen to the ads and not get too irritated by it. Okay. Man, I love how our kids think. This mom told me we were listening to your podcast, and my son heard about the boy in the ad for Cure Hydration drinking the adult flavors. And he said, I want to drink that Cure stuff too. Like you say, he won't do normal kid things, but now he's become the Cure electrolyte champion of the home.

5:48He mixes my drink for me every morning. I love this. And yeah, let's send our kids to school with Water and Cure hydrating electrolyte powder. Because that's way healthier than expensive sports drinks. Cure's ingredients are simple and pure. Coconut water, pink Himalayan salt, and a burst of real fruit. I think your kids will love the Cure flavors. And you'll feel good giving them something healthy. And exciting news now. Now you can get Cure Hydration at your local Target or get 20 % off at CureHydration.com with code CALM. That's CureHydration.com, code CALM for 20 % off your first order. So, thank you for doing that.

6:33So, here's what I want you to start doing. Affirm what your strong-willed child is already doing well. That's it. Just affirm and notice what they're doing well and just acknowledge that. But you can't say, but, if you would just apply yourself more, if you would do it this way. No buts in there. So here's what it can sound like. Hey, I just saw your brother was irritating you, and instead of reacting, you walked away. Man, that shows me you're growing up. Fist bump, walk away. When I praise strong-willed kids, it is very even matter-of-fact. It's just a statement of fact. Hey, I'll give you one, challenge you a little bit here.

7:09Those strong-willed kids who argue with you, sometimes just step back and say, you know what I've noticed? When you do that, it shows me that you have very good critical thinking skills because you listen to what I said and then you took that in and you came back with a counter argument and that shows good thinking skills. You also are very persuasive in your communication. I can show you an even better way to do that. You are also very persistent when you want what you want. Those qualities, man, companies will pay you money for that. Hey, I like your creativity. Some of you have kids who are very, very particular.

7:44And I can say to them, you know what I like about that is you're very precise. And that being precise about things is really useful if you're going to become an architect, a surgeon, an accountant, a dentist, an engineer. Here's a funny one. You say, hey, you know what? I appreciate you bringing back the fork from the table to the sink tonight. Hey, maybe tomorrow you actually bring all your utensils. Now, don't say that because it's kind of jerky. But what I do like about it is, the point is progress, not perfection. Here's one that really helped me with my son when he was playing Call of Duty 2, because I hate video games.

8:19And I was always like, you know, when we were kids, we were outside playing kill the guy with a ball and football and physical sports. And you're in here and you're going to rot your brain on your video games. But instead, what I noticed was this. And I said, Casey, you know what I've noticed? You have every quality inside of you necessary for success already. And you know when I see it? When you're playing your video games. Because when you play Call of Duty 2, you are persistent. You don't give up until you win. You use critical thinking skills in order to outsmart the other people. You are a leader when you do that.

8:51you when you play that man you don't let anything get in your way you are conscientious and you are locked in and you are focused when you're playing those video games and what i know is one day when you get a vision for your life oh you'll use all of those attributes and you'll crush it in life and then i would walk out of the room and think i don't know if i really believe that and that was really hard for me so for the next two weeks here's what i want you to do stop the correcting and criticizing and start simply affirming what is true. This is not fake praise or participation trophy stuff.

9:26You're really acknowledging, hey, here's what I see in you, and it's a good thing. And you just don't mention the 15 other things that you wish they would be doing. Men, I respect you for this. Thanks for working so hard to be an awesome dad. Go out there and crush it. Tune in. If you like our podcast, by the way, there is one. I did episode 488, 11 ways to correct your kids without provoking a big power struggle. Go back and listen to that one. And if you like, listen to the regular podcast. I'll talk to you in two weeks. All right. Much respect to you, man.