Quick Tips for Dads Ep. 3: Discipline Without Drama

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0:40You want a special gift your loved ones and friends will rave about? Give Cozy Earth. So go to CozyEarth.com, use code CALM to get 20 % off. I will race you to CozyEarth.com right now. And I'll use code CALM as well and get my 20 % off. And please tell them that the CALM guy sent you. CozyEarth.com, code CALM, 20 % off. So how do we discipline without drama? How do we discipline in such a way that it actually causes our kids to respect us more and that it actually works? That's what we're going to talk about on this episode of the Quick Tips for Dads series. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

1:22So let's jump into this, men. And I know there are many wives listening as well, so welcome to you as well. So look, remember, discipline means to teach, to teach by modeling. It means to show kids a different way to handle things. It's more about problem solving. Guys, when we're at work and we've got, say, a younger colleague or someone who messes up, hopefully we're not just going around yelling at them like, go to your cubicle. No, we're pulling them aside and we're teaching and showing them a different way to do their job to get better results. It's not about punishing, sending kids to their room.

2:00It's not about using fear and intimidation. So here's the one thing I want you and I to stop doing. And I was guilty of this for a long time. Stop just barking consequences at your kids that you can't keep. I would do this. I get so frustrated and I kind of felt helpless. Like, why is my son doing this? Why does it have to be so difficult? And I get frustrated and say, you know what? No video games, no food for two weeks. Well, obviously you can't enforce that. Or I'd do something like, no, video games for two weeks, and then I would go away on a business trip, and I would leave my wife to actually have to follow through.

2:39And what happens is your kids know that you can't actually enforce your consequence. And so your kids begin to lose respect for you, and your wife loses respect for you. So I don't want that to happen. So here is one aspect of how I like to do discipline. It's called keeping your promises. So here's the language. Hey, look, I promise if you choose to do X, well, this will be the outcome, right? Hey, I promise you, if you continue to speed teenager while you're driving, you will have chosen to lose your driver's license for the next three weeks. And I'll do a few more examples. But here's why I like the language, because it's about, hey, I'm making a promise to you.

3:31And then instead of just enforcing the consequence, I'm keeping my promise. Well, that speaks of personal integrity. So you can trust me when I tell you something. Oh, I just do what I told you I was going to do. And what I want you to hear right now, even in this example, is even matter of fact tone. Hey, you know what? That's just not going to work here. I remember one time when Casey, our son, came in late past his curfew, and I didn't look up when he walked into the house. I was up, like, reading, and I just said, hey, did you have a good time? He's like, yeah. And I said, well, great. I said, well, just remember to drop your keys and driver's license on the kitchen table because what was agreed upon was, I promise you, if you continue to miss your curfew, you will lose your license and keys for the next two weeks.

4:27See, there's no drama. Your kids will create drama, but you don't have to participate in that drama. So let's see how we apply this to discipline your kids with their screens, because this is a huge deal nowadays. First, I'm going to ask you to listen to a 60-second ad, because I make 2.5 cents from that, and I appreciate you doing that. You know your child better than anyone. So when something shifts, like they're suddenly anxious around meals, cutting out foods, losing weight, or their personality just feels different, something more serious may be going on. When eating disorders show up, they can completely hijack a child's brain.

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5:46So if something in your gut is telling you to look deeper, listen to it. Visit equip.health.com to get a free consultation with Equip. That's equip.health.com. So let's apply this to screens because it's a big deal in our homes. And I think we can use this in order to teach our kids impulse control. They don't have it, so we have to teach. So here's one example of how to do it. So you've got a couple kids and I say, hey, this afternoon, I am going to give you 43 minutes to play your video games. I like interesting time limits because the specificity is grounding and also for your kids neurodivergent kind of ADHD kids it sticks in the brain.

6:31So here's how it works guys. I'm going to give you 43 minutes to play your video games but here's what's not happening anymore. When I come in and say hey time to get off your video games I don't want that whole hold on we need to save it we need to get to next level wait, can't we just have 10 more minutes? I want to eliminate that drama because it is draining. So I said, guys, I'm going to make you a promise. If when I come in after 43 minutes, you do not turn off that video game immediately, I promise you will have chosen to lose your video games for the next two days. I didn't say the next two months.

7:11Talk this over with your wife beforehand. So you come up with some common agreement ahead of time on what the consequences can be. So when I come back into the room, look, when they're little, I'm going to maybe give them a little reminder for it. But I want to come in and say, guys, time. Now, as they get older, I want them to learn to do it on their own without you having to remind them. Now, if they start that whole, hold on, that's not fair. We didn't get it. You know, guys, I just want to remind you, you just chose to lose these for the next two days. Even matter of fact, there's no drama.

7:54I'm not lecturing. You know what? When I was a kid, we didn't have these things. You know what? How many times do I have to tell you if you're going to get? No, none of that drama is short and sweet, and I simply do what I promised you I was going to do, and quickly they will learn, oh, I can trust you because when you tell me something, yeah, you go ahead and do it. Now, let me give you one more in this. It is this. So let's say your kids, you give them an hour to be on their screens of any kind, and you could say this, hey, if you turn your screens off three minutes early tonight, because I'm a realist and it's hard for them, so I'm not going to give it 10 minutes.

8:34If you turn your screens off just three minutes early tonight, I will give you an additional eight minutes on your screens tomorrow night. What I'm doing is teaching them delayed gratification, that if they do that, if they give up a few minutes now, they'll get more minutes next night. Now, obviously, you have to put limits on this. This is just an example, but again, Keep your promises. So dads out there, stop barking consequences, giving consequences you can't keep. Instead, keep your promise. And I've found as a guy, I actually use this in all my relationships, whether it's in business, with friends, because you know what?

9:16It holds me accountable to actually say, hey, if I'm going to promise you something, that means I'm going to do it. and guys we're very big into personal integrity and so you can mix this together and teach your kids impulse control and delayed gratification all works together i would encourage you i just did a whole episode on consequences and what's even better than that it's episode 522 is on september 28th so take some time it's only like 22 minutes long listen to that hey thank you for listening to this series i appreciate you digging in doing the hard work as a dad because this makes a big difference.

9:54And your wife will love this so much if you will stop putting her in the position of having to be responsible and she knows, oh, that's really cool. So, hey, much respect to you all. Bye-bye.