Quick Tips for Dads Ep. 4: Don't Ask Your Wife to be the Referee

0:00So I hope I don't get in trouble for this because I just decided to rename the Cozy Earth Classic Cuddle Blanket to the Cozy Earth Calm Cuddle Blanket. You know why? Because look, when your kids are upset, sometimes try this. Just walk into the living room, wrap yourself in. It's so indulgent and plush and unbelievably soft, this Cozy Earth cuddle blanket. Lay under there. If your child comes under with you, it will be instantly calm. You will connect. It is awesome. Go to CozyEarth.com. Use code CALM for 20 % off. So one night, just wrap up in this heavenly blanket. Don't say a word. Before you know it, your kids will come and snuggle.

0:39It is instantly calming. Mrs. Calm and I have a daily routine. We lie under the blanket and talk with no distractions for just 15 minutes. Being under that cozy earth, calm cuddle blanket is the best part of the day. Then again, I live in the heavenly softness of cozy earth, bamboo joggers, pullovers, PJs and hoodies all day long. I've got them on right now. Cozy Earth is my wardrobe. So head to CozyEarth.com and use my code CALM for up to 20 % today. So I'm just going to be blunt with this one. I think the worst thing that I ever did to my wife was put her in the position of having to manage my emotions for me because I couldn't control my own emotions.

1:23So we have a very strong-willed child. And say we were sitting at the dinner table. Well, obviously, he's a strong-willed kid like many of our kids. He's not sitting correctly, eating correctly. And so I would begin to get a little bit visibly upset. Now, I wasn't just like screaming and yelling and throwing things, but I was starting to get upset because you know how it is. Your voice gets a little bit clipped and short with your child. And when that started happening, well, now my wife is starting to feel that inside of her body. And she's starting to anticipate, uh-oh, is this going to blow up into one of those fights where it's going to take like three hours to de-escalate and calm my son down?

2:05So she is now put in this position of, well, now she tries to start controlling our son's behavior. Why? Because I couldn't control my own. And that happened in lots of situations in the car when we were out somewhere. and she would anticipate she could start feeling me get very tense and upset and my tone would get like this well that created tension in her and so it would start to blow up and so she was put in the position of being the referee between her child and the man she married and that I will tell you it is untenable it is unsustainable she cannot and will not do that forever and the truth is I couldn't control my own emotions.

2:53It wasn't because I was a bad guy or a mean guy. I was just immature and I had a dad who was very volatile and abusive and I had to learn to break that pattern. Otherwise all that would happen would be I would continue to escalate situations all the time. And so what would happen is she began to lose respect for me. Why? Well, because I thought I was marrying a man, but I married some guy who can't control himself. And I have to walk on eggshells now, anticipating, trying to make sure that everything's clean around the house and everything's picked up and our son behaves just the right way. Because if he doesn't, you're going to get upset.

3:36And I want you to know that I really want you to work on that. So usually I have a one thing don't do and one thing to do in this little series on quick tips for dads. So thank you for listening. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. And so you already know what to stop doing, which is making your wife be the referee. I'm going to give you two action steps. One is this, ask your wife if this happens in your home. It's going to cause you to be vulnerable and you're going to have to possibly look your wife in the eyes or do it while you're walking sometime because This is going to be hard.

4:09She's going to be like, yeah, this happens all the time. And you're going to be tempted to be defensive. I get that. Don't be. Ask her how it makes her feel. Don't make any excuses. And you can simply apologize and say, I didn't really realize I was putting you in that position. And I apologize for that. Start there. and then the next thing I want you to start learning is how to de-escalate situations, how to control yourself. I'm going to go through that. I'm going to ask you to listen to a 60-second ad so I can make my 2.5 cents off of that and I appreciate you doing that. So does your child need help with a particular subject in school?

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5:35Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So men, for the next two weeks, I want you to practice controlling yourself, learning how to de-escalate. I'm going to encourage you to commit to changing this. I want you to put as much energy as you and I have put into our careers, into our fantasy football league, into whatever hobby we have, into our golf game, into our investing.

6:15As much energy and time as we have put into that to become successful. put that same amount of energy into learning how to control yourself. Now, here are a couple of things I would start with. Begin to sit down. Whenever you start getting upset, what do we typically do? I walk into the room, puff my chest out a little bit, start talking like this a little bit. That just escalates situations. When you sit down, it changes the dynamic. You're not losing your authority. You're actually gaining more authority because you're not out of control. Your wife and kids don't respect you when you lose control of yourself.

6:49When I sit down and I start asking questions, what am I doing? I'm problem solving. You and I as guys, we're really good at problem solving at work, just not usually at home with our kids. And then remember this phrase, motion changes emotion. When your kids are getting upset, when there's tension in the home, motion is a tool that helps your kids and you manage your own emotion. So here's a couple examples I would use when my son was really upset or when he was being defiant. I would walk in and I'd say, hey, I can tell something's going on. you're frustrated, listen, I'm going to dump the Legos out in the living room.

7:22When you're ready, if you want to come in and build a cool spaceship with me, I'll help you out with that. Hey, I'm going to grab the football, go outside. When you're ready, come out, we'll play catch. Sometimes I go to the store with older kids like, hey, I'm hungry. I'm going to go grab a couple tacos if you want to go along with me. Why? Because I'm moving out of that place, that physical and psychological, emotional place we were. Because if you just look at your kids and you're staring at them like, you need to wipe that smirk off your face, young man, which is what my dad used to say to us.

7:52Or if you start, you will escalate situations. When I move the place and space to somewhere else, it gives me a minute to kind of calm myself down. It gives a child a minute. You're meeting in a different place and you're doing something tactile and physical together. I can tell you it is really helpful. Hey, I'll meet you in the garage because you like to fish. Why don't we go and organize your fishing lures? And now you're standing next to your child in the garage and you're doing something with your hands. And it's not like we need to sit down, have a talk, talk about your attitude, young man, young lady.

8:26That never works. So this week, I want you to practice this. I want you to be vulnerable and ask your wife if this happens sometimes. Ask her to help you with this. And wives, if you're listening, be honest with your husband, but also help him with this. because he's probably breaking generational patterns that he learned from his dad. And this is hard stuff. And then I just want you to start doing some simple things to de-escalate. I encourage you, episode 521 on de-escalating with a defiant child from September 24th, fantastic 22 minute episode. And then episode 523, I just did this one a couple days ago, a few days ago, listen to that one.

9:06I think you'll find it really helpful. Okay, much respect to you men. and also the moms who listen. I appreciate you working hard at this. It will make a huge difference in your home. And if we can help you, reach out to us. It's Kirk at CelebrateCalm.com. We'll help you out. All right, much respect to you.