Quick Tips for Dads Ep. 5: Navigating the Landmine of Kids & Sports

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0:40You want a special gift your loved ones and friends will rave about? Give Cozy Earth. So go to CozyEarth.com, use code CALM to get 20 % off. I will race you to CozyEarth.com right now. And I'll use code CALM as well and get my 20 % off. And please tell them that the CALM guy sent you. CozyEarth.com, code CALM, 20 % off. Okay, let's talk kids and sports because that is a landmine for dads. So I want to share some insights and tips with you. That's what we're going to talk about on this episode of Quick Tips for Dads. And welcome to the moms who are listening as well. I struggled with this a lot because when I was a kid, I was a really good athlete.

1:22My entire childhood was spent playing outside with friends and on team. So it was a huge part of my identity. And then we had a son and Casey comes along. I'm like, awesome, we're going to play sports. I'm going to teach him how to do this. And guess what? He didn't like ball sports. He wasn't very athletic when he was young. So it was like, what am I going to bond with my son over? And then it was embarrassing at times. I remember he was playing soccer. They put him in goal. He wasn't even paying attention to the game. He was turned around looking at other kids. And it was frustrating. And then he went on to play hockey.

1:55And I was a freak at the time. I would be in the stands just yelling at him. I remember one time a kid skated around him because he played defense and scored. And Casey went over and I saw him. He was like, nice goal. And I was on the side of the rink, like pounding on the glass, like, no, you got to put that kid's head through the glass because I was hyper competitive as a kid. And you know what? That was when I learned that my son was just different than I was, that he wasn't motivated by the same things as I was. And I had to accept him as he is, that he was never going to be that super competitive kid.

2:34By the way, they change. Now he's a grown adult. And guess what? I'm beating him this year on our hiking. I've got almost 400 ,000 feet of elevation of vert this year. And he doesn't even have that. So we're still, because I have more time than he does to go climbing. So what I will tell you as well is that many of our kids, they're not that great at team sports, but they gravitate toward more individual activities like rock climbing, gymnastics, martial arts, ballet, swimming. So keep that in mind. So a couple of questions guys ask, how do I coach my child's team without it ruining our relationship?

3:13Look, I love you being involved with your kids. It's awesome. I coached Casey's hockey team one year. Here was the arrangement we had. I had another father coach, direct, and discipline Casey during the game, and I did the same for his son. The only thing I was allowed to do was walk by, tap Casey's helmet in an affirming way, and say, hey, good job out there. That's it. Otherwise, it just doesn't work because there's too much pressure on you and your child during those moments. Now, the other question I want to get to is, how do we keep from yelling at our kids when they play sports? One is to realize your kids can't even hear you because there are 1 ,800 other parents over there on the sidelines also screaming.

3:56So here's five tips for you. Number one, just realize your son and daughter are not going to be professional athletes or Olympians. It's very rare. They're just kids who for a period of time are playing a game. Number two, your strong will kids are not going to practice hard. They're not going to do the extra work. even if they have all that potential. And I know it's going to drive you crazy. Like if they would just practice, I never had an opportunity to do plyometrics and we're willing to pay for tutors and coaches to teach you these things. They're just not going to do it. Most of them won't, especially if you're overbearing.

4:35So don't spend extra money on equipment and fees playing travel sports if your child is not internally motivated. Know that strong-willed kids often choose activities to pursue that you are not good at doing. It creates their own space. Casey, our son, does ski mountaineering, hikes up 4 ,000 feet on his skis and skis down. You know why he does that? Partly because he loves it. He needs the intensity, the sensor he needs, but it's also because I don't know how to do it, so I can't give him advice, and that works much better. Okay, I'm going to ask you if you want, listen to episode 529 on October 22nd, a couple of weeks ago that I did on kids who don't listen to you.

5:21And I used an example of a kid who plays golf. I think you'll find that helpful. Okay. Number three. Oh, first I'm going to ask you to listen to a 60 second ad so that I can make 2.5 cents. You know your child better than anyone. So when something shifts, like they're suddenly anxious around meals, cutting out foods, losing weight, or their personality just feels different. Something more serious may be going on. When eating disorders show up, they can completely hijack a child's brain. That moodiness, withdrawal, combative behavior isn't them. It's the illness. The good news is the earlier you get support, the easier recovery is.

5:58And that's why I want to reintroduce you to Equip. Equip is a fully virtual eating disorder treatment program that brings best in class evidence-based care right to your home. Every family gets an entire team, a therapist, dietician, medical provider, and mentors who've been through this themselves. They're experts in treating all eating disorders, even lesser known ones like ARFID. There's no wait list. It's covered by most insurance plans, and you can talk to an expert right away to get answers. So if something in your gut is telling you to look deeper, listen to it. Visit equip.health.com to get a free consultation with Equip.

6:36That's equip.health.com. Hey, thank you for listening to that. Okay, number three, buy duct tape. You are not allowed to say anything during the game. Nothing, nothing. Yelling doesn't help. It just makes us look like idiots on the sidelines. Save your energy. Number four, after the game, here are the only things you can say. Hey, did you have fun? Hey, you know what? you did really well with doing A, B, and C out there. Proud of you. Fist bump. That's it. Keep all of your criticism to yourself. You would hate your boss if every day before you left the office, your boss called you aside and picked out three things you didn't do well.

7:17So don't do it to your kids. Number five. Now sometime well after the game, maybe the next day, you can say the following. Hey, if you want to come play catch or talk sometime, I'll practice anything that you want help with and then walk away. Leave it. You want your child coming to you saying, Hey, Dad, I really need some help learning how to catch fly balls. Will you hit me a few? And here's what my son tells men when he speaks to dads. He said, My dad used to yell at me during and after every single game, and all it did was make me want to quit. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. So what was the point in even playing anymore?

7:56Sometimes I get off the ice knowing I played a really good game and instead of acknowledging that I had an assist and scored a goal, my dad would bring up my three missed opportunities. When my dad started complimenting me, I began to ask him for feedback after the game. Not right after, but later in the day, I would ask him for his insight and he was able to give it to me in a way that was constructive and that I respect it. Now, some of you have kids who will lose it emotionally when they lose a board game or at sports and they'll throw their tennis racket. If you have our programs, go through the Discipline That Works program.

8:34I go through that in great detail. If you don't have it, got a Black Friday sale, just get it. It will change your family. It will change you. Dads and moms, much respect to you for working so hard to change. If you need some help, reach out to Casey at CelebrateCalm.com and we'd be glad to help.