Quick Tips for Dads Ep. 7: Ever Get Triggered? Try These 3 Steps.

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0:45Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So do you ever get triggered by your kids being late or not listening to you or little things going wrong? Of course you do because you're human. We all get triggered. There's nothing wrong with that at all. What I want to help you with in this episode of Quick Tips for Dads and Moms Who Are Listening is is how do you not react when you get triggered?

1:27Because that tends to escalate things and ruin relationships. So think about this. When planning to win, football teams, armies, companies, identify where they're vulnerable. I remember back in the corporate world, we always did a SWOT analysis. Strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats. So first, I want you to identify your triggers. There's no blame. There's no guilt. if you want to know what your triggers are, ask your wife or ask your kids because they know all of your triggers. That's because the strong-willed child lives to push your buttons. And that's not your child's issue. That's yours because you have so many buttons to push.

2:08So what sets you off? Is it being late? That's one for me. My dad was career military. If you're not five minutes early lined up and standing at attention, well, then he considered you late. Kids not listening the first time. Kids crying. Your wife being emotional because a lot of us can't handle that. Missing an exit while driving. Small things not going right. So identify them and then map them out. And I just I did this in a lot more detail on the November 9th episode. So I'm being triggered by messes, backtalk, sibling fights. So check that out. But I like to flowchart. Hey, when I get triggered, I react and yell or lecture.

2:49And I'll give you mine for, let's say, I'm missing an exit while driving. Watch how this works. If we're driving and I miss an exit, you know what I go to immediately? I beat myself up. You know, why did I do that? I'm so stupid. Why did I miss that exit? And then it's also tied into this whole time thing because I'm pretty intense. I'm like, great. I, you know, I planned out X amount of time. We're cutting it close or I wanted to shave off this much time, make time as my dad used to do on the road. And now because my stupid missing that exit, now I'm going to drive even faster. So what happens?

3:23Gets very tense in the car. And then you're more likely to snap at your child. And then your wife feels like she has to run interference for you. And then that makes you more upset. See how that works? And so map it out. this is what happens okay now develop a calming routine for your triggers it's like with a football team football teams practice the two minute drill hundreds of times so that when the pressure is on at the end of the game they know exactly what to do same with firefighters and marines they just don't like hope that things work out no they plan for it so what calms you down when you get riled up.

4:06I want to give you some cool ideas, but I want you to listen to the 60-second ad first so I get two and a half cents. And yes, I am aware of how awkward that sounds to say, listen to a 60-second ad for two and a half cents. But I explained on the last podcast why I actually do that. So what is your calming routine? What is it that just gets you back to being centered? Is it taking a hot shower? Organizing something in the garage. because you know what happens when we get upset? It's usually because something's out of our control. That's why when kids get upset, my first step is not to say, you need to calm down.

4:45It's to give them something they feel in control of. And when I'm organizing something in the garage, it's like, okay, I can make this space look better. This is within my control. I can't always control my spouse or my kids' feelings and emotions, but I can control this. Mowing the lawn is great because now I just took something that was disorderly and made it look more in order. A run, push-ups, building something, sitting and reading, making a list sometimes helps, listening to music, a quick nap. Come up with a go-to plan that every time I get triggered, this is what I do. One of my first ones was I just sat down.

5:25You know why? Because it is very hard to yell and get upset when you're sitting down. It's much easier when you're standing up and pacing through the house. And then I encourage you to do this This is the shortcut do the opposite of what you normally do And there was this one point where I noticed you know what every every time I react I get the exact opposite result that I was looking for when my son is going more slowly or dawdling or won't get up Then I start say case. Come on. We need to go Casey. Grab your backpack We need to move and the more I tried to rush him the slower he went. And what I realized was he wasn't rejecting my authority.

6:01He was rejecting my anxiety. And that was triggering me. So I began doing the opposite of that. Instead of pacing and demanding, I would sit and I'd talk in this even matter-of-fact tone because it works really well. I'd ask questions instead of lecturing. Sometimes when I was really frustrated, I would compliment Casey. It just changed the dynamic and it was exactly opposite of what I was doing before. If you need help with that, reach out to me. I'll be glad to help you with your triggers. If you want to go in depth, work through our programs. Go through the 30 Days to Calm program and Dad's program first.

6:41It will change you. I've got a Christmas sale and by the way, your wife will love that. If you say, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to work on myself. I'm going to work on my triggers and I guarantee she'll be like, that's all I want for Christmas and my birthday for the next five years because that's what my wife said to me. So thank you all for listening. Thanks for working so hard at this and we'll talk to you next time. Love you all. Bye-bye.