Quick Tips for Dads Ep. 8: How to Motivate Undisciplined or Lazy Kids Not Living Up to Their Potential

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0:45Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com. slash Kirk. Visit ixl.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So how do you handle it when your kids just appear so lazy and unmotivated? Like when they're not living up to their potential. Look, I think every father on the planet struggles with this because you know what it takes to be successful in life, but you don't see your child exhibiting those traits right now. So you project into the future out of your own anxiety and you think who would possibly marry this child?

1:28Who's going to hire this child? So I want to give you some tools and scripts to use in this episode of Quick Tips for Dads. And hello to the moms as well. This will work for you also. So what happens is our parental anxiety kicks in. We're like, oh, my child just needs to apply himself or herself, which is very unmotivating, by the way. So drop that line. and then we begin to lecture and point out all the things they're not doing well and we say you're not living up to your potential but you know you're not living up to your potential neither am i because you could always be doing more and that whole if you would just apply yourself you need to do your best at everything those are false statements because you can't do your best at everything you do your best at the right things you prioritize and sometimes i know as men we have these romanticized notions about how responsible we were as kids.

2:26I mean, I play into that at times like, oh, my dad was career military. We were so responsible as kids, kind of. But you know what else we did a lot? We ran a lot around a lot in the neighborhood with no adults around and we played and we were mischievous and we did all kinds of stupid stuff as kids and we still turned out all right. And so I struggled with this with our son and I was kind of a freak. I'd be like, Casey, you need to have a written list of your goals. And my wife was like, he's only seven. I was like, but you have to start when you're young. But so listen, your kids are never going to live up to our expectations ever because kids don't value what you and I value right now.

3:10So I'm a grown an adult. I have my own home. So mowing the lawn with great care and being precise with things around the house. Well, that's important to me, but it's not important to a kid, but they will care one day. So model how you want them to live. Be patient. They will grow into themselves just like you and I did. They'll ultimately do what you do, whether that's good or bad, because they're going to follow you. So here's my challenge for you. Your kids, especially if you have strong will kids, are probably already beating themselves up enough in life because some of them have internalized that they're different, that they're the bad kid, the black sheep of the family, especially if you're a dad or a mom who has been critical and always is correcting them, pointing out the negatives.

3:58Some of these kids, they don't always do that well with behavior or grades. So they look at their siblings or their peers who are excelling and they think, well, my future doesn't look so bright, so why even try? So stop piling on. Look, if lecturing, threatening, and just giving consequences were going to work, they would have worked by now. You wouldn't be listening to our podcast. So I want you to notice your child's good traits and realize this the traits that irritate you most about your child will likely be the same traits responsible for their success in life and this is what my son wanted me to share with you as dads he said no matter how difficult i was at times i always wanted to please my dad but i didn't always have a lot of confidence because i didn't feel like i could live up to his expectations i know my dad was really, really disciplined, and I often thought, how can I ever be that successful if I'm not that disciplined now?

5:01But my dad reminded me that he's 27 years older, that it would come with age, and it did. I have a lot of confidence now because I know my dad believes in me. I'm a grown man, and guess what? I write my goals down on paper. I eat healthy. I exercise. My home is clean. But I wasn't ever like that as a kid. Your kids will eventually do what you do as a father. So don't downplay the role you play. So the next time your child comes sauntering into the living room with their head in their phone, and you're tempted to lecture, say this instead. Now, this is kind of long, so break it up into little bits.

5:43Plant seeds over time. And I'm going to share this script right after you listen to this 60-second ad. here's the script i'm gonna do it with a daughter rebecca you've got these amazing gifts that i've overlooked and i'm sorry about that you're so good at chess and checkers and arguing because you have these great critical thinking skills and you can see patterns that's a superpower in life you know how to push people's buttons and that tells me you understand what makes people tick and you have this big heart every time we see homeless people downtown you want to come home and sell all your brother's toys on eBay to give away to the homeless.

6:18And you have this gift with little kids. They just love you. And I need to apologize because out of my own anxiety, I've labeled you sometimes as obstinate and stubborn and unmotivated. But what you really are is persistent. Because when you want something, oh, nothing holds you back. You're not always a great follower. Oh, but you are a great leader. And one day, I can see you putting together all these great qualities. You could be an amazing teacher, child psychiatrist. You could own your own string of daycare centers because God knows nobody's going to hire you because you're too independent.

6:54Leave that part out. You have an amazing future ahead of you and I can't wait to see it. Then give her a hug, a kiss on the forehead, a fist bump for your child and walk away. Just know your child is never going to say, dad, thank you so much for affirming me. So notice what you just did. Instead of reinforcing who she appears to be right now on the outside, right, this unmotivated kid with her head in the phone, maybe for my son, it was a kid who's always in trouble. You just created a vision of who she really is, of who she will be, of who she can be. And you're saying, hey, I know you don't have it all together right now because none of us do at that age.

7:39Oh, but I see these great qualities. Man, I can already see it because I have the wisdom and maturity and perspective to see who you really are inside. And I believe in you. So here's your homework. I'd encourage you to develop, do this tonight, but do this as a habit. Begin it over the holidays. Begin writing your kids notes, short notes. Leave it under their pillow in an envelope in their bedroom. And do this maybe every couple weeks, just with short, plant those little seeds of this is what I see in you. And I love this about you. Create a vision of who your kids can be. Because I guarantee you every kid, no matter their age, wants to please their dads.

8:21They just don't always know how to do that. By the way, I just recorded an episode on December 10th on those kids who are expert button pushers because I mentioned that in that little script. So listen to that. I think you'll find it helpful. Okay. Dads, moms who are listening, thank you for working so hard at this. Respect you all. We'll talk to you soon.