School Is Not That Important (& What IS Important) #524

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0:40You want a special gift your loved ones and friends will rave about? Give Cozy Earth. So go to CozyEarth.com, use code CALM to get 20 % off. I will race you to CozyEarth.com right now. And I'll use code CALM as well and get my 20 % off. And please tell them that the CALM guy sent you. CozyEarth.com, code CALM, 20 % off. You know our kids work best when they have some flexibility and get positive feedback. That's one reason I like using iXL. Whether you're homeschooling or just filling in some academic gaps with your kids. No matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, iXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way they learn best while meeting them at their level.

1:29On iXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level, and they're not forced into a single learning path. Our kids thrive on positive feedback and IXL consistently reinforces success. Plus, IXL gives you as the parent feedback on their progress so you know where to focus your efforts. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. Success in school is just not important for some kids.

2:14Performance in school is not a predictor of life success or happiness. I am not saying that to be provocative. I believe it is absolutely true. some of your kids are never going to like or do well in school no matter what you do they are going to choose the harder path but they will still do well in life and my my purpose in this podcast is to help you to help you prevent spending 18 years with needless pressure and stress and power struggles over something that doesn't really matter in the end because if you do this you can ruin your relationship with your child. You can destroy your child's confidence by constantly reinforcing what society says, which is, hey, you have two jobs as a kid, get good grades and good behavior.

3:07And some of you have kids who will be 0 for 2 on that count, and it will destroy their confidence. And no matter what you do, it just won't work. And I want to save you countless hours of worrying and talking and laying in bed with your spouse wondering, what are we going to do with this child and I want to save you a lot of money on sending your kids to special schools or to get therapy or specialists in order to remedy this because sometimes you're trying to fix something that doesn't need to be fixed and so I am going to address your legitimate concerns over this and give you an alternate plan and path for these kids who are just different and remember there's an opportunity cost to this because all the time we spent trying to get our kids to do well in school is time that we are not spent doing other things that are constructive.

4:02And I hope as well that this will fuel a discussion with your spouse about important topics. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our big fall sale at celebratecalk.com. So a couple caveats. One, school and learning are different. You know I'm not equating this with just saying like, oh, just let your kids be illiterate and not do math. Let them fail and just play video games all day. That's not what I'm saying. And we'll get into this. Learn. I want your kids to be curious and love to learn.

4:41But many of you have kids who are like that, but they just don't like school. Another caveat, if you have an academic child who just really likes school, or maybe a child who already knows, hey, I want to be a doctor, a teacher, an attorney, an engineer, or something specific, that child will likely be self-motivated to do well in school. So this doesn't apply to that child. I also, this is not about giving up and saying, oh, they're never going to like it in school, so let's just forget it. No, I want to give kids tools to help them in school. Listen to episode 518. It's a couple weeks ago, September 14th, on different ways to improve focus and executive function, which will help them do better in school.

5:28This is also not a knock against teachers. It's just simply the fact that the system we have does not usually work well for our kids. Now look, many of you have kids like ours. They're bright. They just don't care. They're bored in school. Some of your kids are late bloomers. Some of your kids kind of just see through it and they're like, school is BS. It's asking me to do all kinds of arbitrary things I will never have to do later in life. And they won't just play the game. Some of you knew that, that it was arbitrary, but you just played the game to get the piece of paper. But many of our kids, they're just not going to do it.

6:09Some of you have kids with ADHD or dyslexia or dysgraphia or something that makes school really difficult. And so they just kind of opt out. Think about this. if you or your spouse or both of you are very academic, like if you have your master's degree or a PhD, or if you have a sibling, they have a sibling who's really into school, they will often opt out. They're not going to play on your playing field. You know why? Because they know they can never measure up to what their sibling or what you do and what you expect. And so you'll see strong-willed kids will excel elsewhere in a field of their choosing.

6:52That's why they choose different sports and different activities that you're not necessarily into so that they can own it themselves. And one of the dangers we have in all of this is I don't want your kids to conflate their hatred of school with thinking, oh, I don't like to learn or I don't like to read. It's just a simple fact for many kids. I don't want to read what a teacher assigned me to read. It's not interesting. But I actually happen to love reading, just not about that. And I'm not saying any of this is good or bad or right or wrong. It's just reality. And this will repeatedly, daily, provoke your parental anxiety because you love your child and you want the best for them and it would be so much easier if they were just good at school.

7:44And most teachers and society and your relatives will constantly reinforce and assert that school success is necessary for life success, and that is just not true. So let's jump into this, and let's look and see why school is not a predictor of life success and why it's not necessary for life success. So number one, I really encourage you to do this, and you can even do this with your child at some point. Get a sheet of paper out and draw a line down the middle. On the left-hand side, I want you to write down this. What are all of the skills and traits necessary for success in school? And on the right side of that piece of paper, what are the traits and skills necessary for success in life?

8:30There will be some overlap, right? Like the ability, like self-discipline, conscientiousness. Those are required in both. But think about this, and you make your own list. Success in school is largely based on the ability to sit still, to memorize information, usually information you're not going to use in life, to take a timed test. We rarely have to do those things in the corporate world and after we graduate. Success in school is based on following directions. Most of your kids, not great at following directions, but really good at problem solving and being leaders. Success in school is based on completing largely arbitrary tasks.

9:13And for your kids socially, what do we do? We group kids in every grade by their own age. And your kids are not, your kids have something called asynchronous development. They're often really good with little kids, older people, and animals, but not kids their own age. And that will cause them to shut down. Success in school is based on largely writing essays about things that you don't care about. But think about success in life. It's not just sitting still. We want people who are proactive, who do well in a dynamic environment, who have a lot of energy. Memorizing information in school, no, I want to hire someone with good critical thinking skills and strategic thinking skills.

9:59Not someone who can just regurgitate information back to me, but who, when presented with a problem, is able to think through it, assess alternatives, weigh risks, problem solve, and make decisions. See, I don't have to pay someone a lot of money just to follow directions. Oh, but I will pay them if they're a good thinker and they can make decisions and lead other people. and the real world helps or rewards people who can prioritize, who take risks. And your kids, when they get out of school, you have to get along with kids of all ages and your kids will gravitate towards that mentor. And you don't write things about that you don't care about.

10:43You choose a career and industry that matches your skills. So the point is this. judging a child's future success by what by arbitrary standards in school is just not smart to do it's kind of foolish and why would we spend all of our time rewarding kids and grading kids on skills that in many ways they will not use later in life i'll throw this out there and it's not a knock on teachers, but know this. Teachers, the people teaching your kids are good people. And there's no but here, but think about what they have done their whole lives. Teachers, many of them that I know, they're wonderful people.

11:27When they were kids, they knew they wanted to teach. They would line up dolls after school and they would teach the dolls. And then they went to school for 12 years. And then they went on into college. And then they went on to get their master's degree. So guess what they know? Doing well in school has brought me success in life. It's kind of all they've ever known is a classroom for the most part. And your kids are not always great at kid stuff. They're better in the adult world. The kid world is very arbitrary. And we're not raising kids to be kids. We're raising our kids to be adults. results so here's another objection well if you don't do well in school if our kids don't do well in school their path is going to be harder 100 true but think about this since when has your strong-willed child cared about or chosen the easy path they don't if they wanted to be like everybody else and take the normal safe path they could do it they're bright enough to do it and they would do it, but they don't want to.

12:37They prefer to learn the hard way by fixing things, by figuring out themselves, by touching the hot stove. I'll ask you this question. Why is harder bad? Why is it bad to do it the harder way? You know this with your kids. They have to reject what you want first before they own it themselves. They will often choose the harsher consequence over just complying and doing something simple for you. Why? They like the challenge. They like doing it a unique way and doing it differently. So yes, it is going to be a harder path for them. But I suspect that will be harder for you than it will be for them because you're going to see them struggle.

13:24And you will want to say inside, I told you, you know, if you would just do it the normal way, it would be so much easier. But this isn't about you. It's about them. Now, here's another question. Well, if you do well in school, it will open up doors of opportunity you wouldn't otherwise get. You know your child better than anyone. So when something shifts, like they're suddenly anxious around meals, cutting out foods, losing weight, or their personality just feels different, something more serious may be going on. When eating disorders show up, they can completely hijack a child's brain. That moodiness, withdrawal, combative behavior isn't them, it's the illness.

14:05The good news is the earlier you get support, the easier recovery is. And that's why I want to reintroduce you to Equip. Equip is a fully virtual eating disorder treatment program that brings best-in-class, evidence-based care right to your home. Every family gets an entire team, a therapist, dietician, medical provider, and mentors who've been through this themselves. They're experts in treating all eating disorders, even lesser known ones like ARFID. There's no wait list. It's covered by most insurance plans. And you can talk to an expert right away to get answers. So if something in your gut is telling you to look deeper, listen to it.

14:42Visit equip.health.com to get a free consultation with Equip. That's equip.health.com. That is another true statement. But how many of you have kids who don't even use the open door? They don't want the open door. They're going to sneak in through a window. They're going to bust down a door. They're going to come down through the fireplace like Santa Claus. This will make it harder for them. But that's part of the plan. So here's another one. Well, if you don't do well in school, you won't get into the right college or preferred university. And what this tells you, though, is this. If your kids really cared enough to get into that university, they would study.

15:30They would put in the time. But they don't care right now. And I would say as an aside, there is no right college. So I think it's up to us as adults to relieve some of the pressure on our kids because we didn't all have that pressure. Well, you have to go to this particular college. Well, for 95 % of people, that is just not true. And the truth is, if they don't go to this preferred college, it may lead them to considering a college that they hadn't even thought of before. And how do we know that that's not the right college? Many of you are going to have kids in their junior year self-sabotage.

16:13So just watch that because you're going to be like, hey, you need to sign up for the ACTs, the SATs. They'll say, okay, I'm going to fill out the paperwork and I'm going to fill out my college applications. And then they don't. And what they're afraid to tell you is, I'm not ready yet. I'm not mature enough. I need some time. And so I would take off that pressure. By the way, they probably won't want to go to your alma mater. Why? Because then they have to compare to you all the time with what you did there. So just watch. For many of our kids, it would be better if they were the bigger fish in a smaller pond than being kind of like the top student in a smaller school versus being kind of a small fish in that big prestigious university.

16:57So just think about that a little bit. And I encourage you to tell your kids the truth that it doesn't really matter what college you go to. Yes, some colleges are preferable, and some schools, you'll make better connections. But you know what? If you go to that different university, you may have to get out and work harder and use your street smarts. And that's a really valuable lesson. Now, here's a tough one we get. Well, if you don't get good grades, you're going to miss out on the scholarship. That is very true. And that will make it a lot harder. You know what else it will do? It will force your child to be resourceful.

17:35maybe they have to live at home and they get a job and they go to a community college for a couple years and you know what would happen that could lead to them developing new skills and be a valuable life lesson for later so i get it these things are going to cause you anxiety but this is short term just because you don't go to the right college or get a scholarship doesn't mean it's going to ruin your life and it doesn't mean it has anything to do with your future life success or happiness. Now here's a great one. I hear a lot of guys say this one. Well doing well in school developing good study skills is how you develop self-discipline.

18:16And again that is a true statement but here's the caveat. It's not the only way to develop self-discipline. It's just how you did it and your kids aren't interested in the things that you are. But here's what you're really after. You want your kids to demonstrate persistence, to be goal-oriented, to be conscientious. And they do that. They just do it in other areas of life, not school, not with their chores. So don't discount that and don't walk around saying, well, you develop discipline by doing well in school. No, you can develop self-discipline by dance. Our son learned how to fly airplanes.

18:59You can do it by building robots, by skiing. There are all kinds of different ways to do that. I'll encourage you with this. Just got an email from two parents. They said, hey, we are type A parents. We had this plan for our son, how he was going to do school and do everything, and he just didn't do it that way. And we nearly destroyed our relationship with him. They said, we just went through your No BS program, and I encourage you to do that. It's part of the Calm Parenting Bundle. and the most powerful part of that for us and for our son was when we released him to be who he is we apologized for trying to force him to go down the path we did and that we wanted him to do and we released him to be who he is and follow his path and it started to change everything it's like it released him to do well because it wasn't about us anymore i love that now here's what's going to happen with some of your kids.

19:58They're very bright. They will do the bare minimum just to get by. They will barely scrape by. If they need a 74.2 on an exam just to keep a B average so they can keep their screens, guess what they're going to get on that test? 74.2. And inside you're going to be like, why would you not apply yourself? You could get all A's if you could because they don't value it. Some of these kids will need a gap year. They'll need to go to community college. And what we're really after here is we have to spark that internal motivation inside of them. And I promise I'm going to do that in the next episode that goes along with this one.

20:36So here's kind of the most common worst case scenario that most parents will experience. Your child has never liked school. They will never like school. And at age 15 or 16, they want to drop out and get their GED. And I've seen a lot of kids do this. And here's how it works. They get their GED. They go and they work a job. Because many of your kids are fantastic for other adults. They're just not that great for you. And they're actually very conscientious and disciplined when they work for other people. And along the way, working for other people, they'll find a mentor. And they'll find their path.

21:15And they will end up maybe going to community college, but finding their path. And then they're like, now I know what I want to do. and that is way more preferable than a kid just going right to school, into college, doesn't know what he or she wants to do and now you've got them on a five or six year plan. Now here's the thing, if your kids do drop out, it doesn't mean they get to sit around home all day playing video games. No, you have to have boundaries and rules, of course, right? Like it's going to, hey, you're going to work 40 hours a week at least, You're going to pay certain expenses and a little bit of rent to us.

21:54And what happens with a lot of these kids is they grow up during that time and they discover what their passion is. And they end up going to community college and then transferring to a regular university. How many of you know this? If your kids were motivated, they could turn it on overnight. Think about this. Your kids who have never liked school, if they decided to tomorrow, they could catch up because they're smart enough to do it. And they could hyper focus and they could do it the way they want to do it. And also know this. So many of our kids are going to struggle early in their adult lives.

22:32And that's part of the process that they need to go to. And you know what they discover is they have street smarts. They realize they have to hustle a little harder. that they have to learn how to influence people. And your kids, all those things they've done earlier in life, all that arguing with you, and I'm going to go through this in the next episode, plays out here because you look at them and you're like, how did you make that happen? How did you figure that out? Because it's foreign to you. You may have played by the rules your whole life and done what was expected and taking the normal path, but our kids will figure it out.

23:10so how can we motivate our Strongwell kids internally what should we prioritize because I want to prepare them for real life success and impart them with confidence inside so I want you to really wrestle so we're going to cover that on the next episode for the next few days and maybe for the next few years for you wrestle with these ideas that I brought up and consider doing what that family did. They did the no BS program of like, hey, we're gonna release our child to follow their path. And I promise when you release them, it changes something. And it's also being honest to let them know, look, you can be wildly successful in life.

23:58And here's all the different ways you can do that. My heart in this is I want to save you from day after day after day after day, worrying and lecturing and getting on your child and creating all this stress because here's what we're going to get to next time. There is a huge opportunity cost. All that time that we spent fighting and trying to convince our kids that they need to go down X path, guess what we're not doing? We're not building their confidence. We're not cultivating their natural gifts, talents, and passions. That's what we need to be working on. So, moms and dads, I'm proud of you.

24:36This is hard stuff. You have one of these kids, and it is hard for them. It is hard for you, but you're doing the hard work inside. Wrestle with this. Tune in on the next episode, and I'll give you a game plan for this. If we can help you, reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at celebratecom.com. He has lived this himself. He knows if you need help financially with the programs, ask him for help. We'll help you out. All right. Love you all. Talk to you next time. Bye-bye.