Scripts to Set Effective Boundaries With Critical Parents & In-Laws #628

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2:41They're not forced into a single learning path. So begin with a subject your kids are curious about. Our kids thrive on positive feedback and IXL consistently reinforces success. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. One of the most emotionally intimidating moments of my life was when I finally summoned the courage to talk to my father about how he was acting in our home when Casey was little.

3:24I was terrified of his reaction. My dad was career military. He was a scary man. And many of you have parents or in-laws who overstep their bounds, criticize how you raise your kids, correct your kids or say negative things to them, or even correct you in front of your kids. Some use guilt manipulation to get their way. None of this is healthy, good, good, or acceptable. So how can you both establish healthy boundaries with your parents or in-laws so that they respect you and help them accept your strong-willed kids as they are. That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

4:03So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, also host of the PDA Parent Podcast, and you can find all of our resources, and that includes an ad-free version of the podcast. It's just$5 per month at CelebrateCalm.com. So we were a young couple at the time. In case he was about seven. And I was still trying to build my career in the corporate world. My dad would visit and wreak all kinds of havoc in our home. He would yell at Casey, correct him harshly, denigrate our efforts as parents, and just say kind of jerky things to my wife. And I remember one night coming home from work and going to play with Casey before he went to bed.

4:39And my dad very sternly rebuked me. I didn't come here all this way to watch you play with your son and ignored me. And I tried to explain that I only had a couple hours with Casey after work, but I could talk to my dad for hours after Casey went to bed. But my dad was kind of a selfish, immature, and often vengeful, petty, even cruel man. I knew if I didn't talk to my dad about this, my wife would lose respect for me, and I'd ultimately be sacrificing my spouse and child because of my own childhood issues. But see, no one ever spoke up to the colonel, as my dad was known. You didn't really have discussions with him.

5:19He just dictated orders to you. And I still remember everything I felt. And that day, it was over 25 years ago. I went with my dad to the Kerr Drugstore on Highway 68 in Greensboro, North Carolina, where we were living at the time. So my dad went into the store to pick up a prescription. And when he came out in kind of a fumbling voice, probably it sounded like a little kid, and maybe for the first time in my 35 years of life, I had the talk with him. And I said, Dad, I am first and foremost a husband to my wife, then a father to my son, and then thirdly, a son to you. Well, that didn't land so well for my dad.

5:59I told him he couldn't yell at or discipline Casey directly anymore. That was my job. And I did. I pleaded with him to spoil Casey to be the kind of grandpa he would remember forever with fond memories. But my dad didn't visit for two years after that. Guess what? My wife was very happy. So I want to go through 10 different points here. Number one, get proper perspective. Your primary responsibility is the family you created, not the family you came from. And ideally, the older generation should come along and support the younger generation in figuring life out, not act like the needy ones. Look, I'm older now.

6:43I'm a father-in-law myself. And hopefully soon we'll be grandparents. I don't need my son and daughter-in-law to walk on eggshells around me. I think it's my responsibility to be the mature one and serve them. They're the ones who are just starting their lives out, working extra jobs. And one day they're going to have the added responsibility of baby to take care of. We have the extra time and resources to help them not be a burden to them in any way, emotionally or otherwise. And sometimes society reinforces this immature idea that the grandparents are somehow babies to be taken care of. Well, we don't want to ruffle their feathers.

7:24You know how grandma and grandpa get. So let's change our family life and child so we don't upset our elders. Look, I hate that mentality. No, your mom and dad and in-laws are grownups. Expect them to begin acting like that instead of needy, immature, demanding babies. Was that too harsh? When it comes to my daughter-in-law, when I walk into their home, it's her home, not mine. Casey is first and foremost her husband, not my son. We do not intrude on their time in marriage. We aren't demanding or needy or opinionated. We leave early when visiting. We try to support them in small ways. And guess what?

8:09We get invited over more often. And every summer, my daughter-in-law invites me to do a big hike together, which I cherish. They honor and respect us because we respect them. And I know many of us were taught by religious tradition, well, you're supposed to honor your mother and father. Well, there's wisdom in that, of course, but many have taken this too far and excused manipulative and abusive behavior by parents. I think implicit in that principle is that older people who should have a lifetime of wisdom act as people worthy of honor and respect. You are not here to parent your parents or be a doormat for them.

8:51Allowing your parents to mistreat you is not honoring them. It is demeaning to you. It is condescending to them. Speaking up is demonstrating self-respect. Look, if your parents or in-laws are manipulative, then cut any ties of dependents. Don't let them pay for family vacation if that's a license for them to dictate how you parent or what you're going to do while you're on vacation as if you owe them. See, that's a form of servitude and slavery. Hey, Mom, Dad, you guys are in your 60s now. I expect you to act like grownups. Case and I were doing this hard hike the other day. It's like 2 ,000 feet of elevation gain in the first one and a half miles.

9:32So it's hard to talk and hike at the same time, especially keeping up with his six-foot-two long legs. So I was thinking about my dad. And as we got to the less brutal part of the hike, I shared this with Casey. And maybe it's too personal or it's odd to hear. but he encouraged me to be vulnerable and share this. And what I told Casey is I've realized I didn't really love my dad. My dad's been gone for a long time. I don't love my dad. And I know that sounds kind of bad, but I think it's healthy because he didn't act worthy of someone who would be loved and loving out of obligation or title isn't love.

10:10I don't really respect my dad. I do admire many of his qualities, and I am thankful for the positive things he taught me by example. I know he had good intentions deep down, but he was dishonest and cruel when the hard situations come up. And I feel sorry for him. I can extend mercy toward him because of his own childhood. I forgive my dad for what he did to my mom and my older brothers especially. But I don't love my dad. He was not a loving, kind person. He was cruel when we were kids. He was cruel in his death. And I know that that may rub people the wrong way, but I just have disdain now for thinking adults are somehow due respect and love when they're just abusive or hurtful.

11:01I've made peace with my dad that he did the best that he could in many ways, but he was still cruel and hurtful. So I hope that makes sense in establishing even boundaries within your own heart, because it's really hard to admit that you don't love or respect or like your parent because we've been taught, well, you're supposed to. Okay, number two, listen to your kids. And this may sound odd. I am not saying let children dictate your relationships, but sometimes kids have a really good sixth sense about people. If they're responding negatively to grandparents, don't dismiss their concerns. Be curious and listen.

11:48And respect your kids' wishes as well. Maybe they don't want to hug grandma. Well, why not respect their preferences? Instead of forcing them to hug grandma and violate their space, why don't we tell grandma to chill and respect the kid's preference? In more blunt terms, grandma and grandpa need to grow the mm up. We're always expecting children, children to behave. Well, let's expect grandparents to grow up and behave. Again, I am speaking kind of as one in that age group now. And you know, I love and adore my mom. She is the greatest human I have ever known. She used to get so upset that our nephew, and our nephew's on the spectrum, he wouldn't enter her home and greet her like she was taught as a child.

12:37And I had to say, Mom, he's a little kid. When he comes over here, everything is new. There's nothing for him to do. It's chaotic. And you guys keep the TV too loud, so it's noisy. so he gets overwhelmed and he just needs some time to get his bearings so when he comes over instead of demanding that he come and greet you why not give him a little mission to do helping you something he can do with his hands and he was very much into manipulating things with his hands and he said that way you can thank him for helping and he'll open up to you more and she started doing that and they developed this very lovely relationship.

13:18Number three, get on the same page as your spouse. Otherwise, your parents and in-laws will sense that you're not unified and they will use that to team up on you and it will cause a lot of stress and resentment in your marriage. If your parents are the judgmental ones, then you need to talk to them. If it is your spouse's parents, then your spouse needs to talk to them. Asking your spouse to be the bad guy with your parents will bring deep, long-term resentment in a marriage. Same with blended families. Don't ask your new wife to discipline your kids unless you want that marriage to end as well.

13:54If you are generally on the same page with discipline, you will be more confident as a couple. Number four, confidence is the best weapon you have. Look, if you waver or try to please and explain everything to everyone, family will pick up on that and try to exploit it. So as you discipline and calm your kids without threats and fear and intimidation, well, you do it confidently. And I'll build on this and give some examples. But here's something you can say to your parents or your in-laws. Mom, dad, we know you want what's best for your grandkids and our family. Now, I just like to assume the best about their attentions, even if they're controlling judgmental people.

14:35I know you want what's best for your grandkids and our family. Thank you for doing a good job raising me. You did such a good job that I'm confident to raise my own kids. Let them see how you lead your kids to calm in the toughest moments and try not to justify or defend what you do. And if you need to for right now, just fake being confident. Number five. Now I like this pivot. Get your parents and your in-laws involved helping to de-escalate situations, you could say something like this. Hey, we're looking forward to coming over this weekend. We know it's going to be a little chaotic with all the grandkids there, and you know Bryce gets easily overwhelmed.

15:17Could you help me help him? He gets anxious with all those people around and feels like everything's out of his control, but we also know he loves doing more grown-up jobs. So when he inevitably gets upset and frustrated on Saturday, could you ask him to help you open something or move something heavy for you or help you cook something because he loves mixing his hands and things and creating? Could dad ask him to help figure out the pieces of his jigsaw puzzle fit together or help unclog a drain or take a toilet apart? He loves seeing how things work, and you'll notice it's instantly calming for him.

15:54Plus, it's a great way to bond with him. See, you just demonstrated your competence and confidence, which is, I know exactly what my child's triggers are. They're specific. It's not that he's an out-of-control kid. And I also know specifically how to help my child. And you have given your parents and in-laws an easy, concrete way to help that doesn't involve yelling or spanking or harsh words or you trying to explain brain physiology to them. And you can feel free to add this if they are skeptical. I mean, come on, mom, dad. It's pretty clear that you guys struggle with the same thing. Mom, why do you think you need to organize and control everything when family comes over?

16:34Haven't you ever noticed that you plan every detail and tell everyone what to bring? And dad deals with it by disappearing to the garage? That's not being mean. It's giving perspective. But it doesn't have to be all negative. Here are some positive strategies as well. Man, I love how our kids think. This mom told me we were listening to your podcast and my son heard about the boy in the ad for Cure Hydration drinking the adult flavors. And he said, I want to drink that Cure stuff too. Like you say, he won't do normal kid things, but now he's become the Cure electrolyte champion of the home. He mixes my drink for me every morning.

17:13I love this. And yeah, let's send our kids to school with Water and Cure hydrating electrolyte powder because that's way healthier than expensive sports drinks. Cure's ingredients are simple and pure. Coconut water, pink Himalayan salt, and a burst of real fruit. I think your kids will love the Cure flavors and you'll feel good giving them something healthy. And exciting news now, you can get Cure Hydration at your local Target or get 20 % off at curehydration.com with code CALM. That's curehydration.com, code CALM for 20 % off your first order. So we talked on a recent podcast about helping disorganized kids get organized as school begins.

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18:41So you can start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. So this is cool. I go to hungeroot.com slash calm. I click our food preferences, carb conscious, less sugar, high-protein anti-inflammatory, and I immediately get 10-plus options, so I choose the Tzatziki Chicken Bowl with quinoa with 47 grams of protein. It takes five minutes to prepare. It's delicious, no wasted ingredients, no stress battling traffic and grocery store lines. Hungry Root is like having your own personal shopper and nutritionist wrapped into one.

19:22They recommend healthy groceries and meals tailored to your family's tastes, and they have amazing kids' options. Make Hunger Root part of your back-to-school routine to de-stress mealtime this school year. You're going to love Hunger Root as much as we do. For a limited time, get 40 % off your first order. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungreroot.com slash calm and use code calm. That's hungreroot.com slash calm. Code Calm to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. Number six, have a deeper talk with your parents and in-laws. Ask them exactly what they envision being a grandparent.

20:06What do they really long for with their grandkids? You may find that they don't have a vision to connect because maybe they're never connected with you and they simply don't have the tools. So they just fall back on trying to control other people so it's more comfortable for them. And this will bring some clarity and possibly some pain to recollections of your own childhood with parents who were emotionally absent, critical or dismissive. Now that's for another episode, but know this is part of the process. So be kind to yourself through this. Many of you have discovered you are reparenting yourself or parenting your child the way you wish you had been parented.

20:47So this may bring up feelings you'll need to wrestle with over time. That's very normal. Number seven, you can lay the groundwork with an appeal to respect like this. Release your parents from feeling the need to parent and control you or the grandkids. Hey, mom, dad, you did your job raising your kids. You did some things really well and you made some mistakes because that's normal. I'm asking you to give me some space and the opportunity to figure this out just like you did without you hovering or second guessing everything I do. Trust that if you did a good job raising me, I'll do a good job raising my kids.

21:33Now, you can be very direct. Hey, it's okay that we differ on how to handle these situations. I know you think I'm being too lenient with my strong-willed child. I have tried the traditional approach. It simply does not and will not work with this child. So I'm asking you to respect my approach and even better, come alongside me to help. Criticizing me is not helpful. We didn't tell you how to parent your kids. You shouldn't tell us how to parent our kids. Number eight. Next, we want to create a very clear boundary with consequences. But realize boundaries are not for other people. They are for you.

22:16I assume kids and your parents are going to violate your boundaries. You can't control other people. The important part for them to know is what you are going to do if and when those boundaries are violated. and that gives you so much power. And it's based on a deep belief inside that you are worthy of being respected and treated like a competent parent. Hey mom, we've talked about this. We're not going to tolerate negative comments about Joey's character or behavior while we're here. And since we can't agree on this, we're going to pack up and head home now. We love you and we'll try again in a few weeks when we can all start fresh.

23:01And if they can't respect you and your boundaries, the visit ends. No apologies. No drama. Just decisive action. Just like discipline with your kids. That's confidence. That says you are serious. I don't like endless pleading. And can you guys? No. Pack up and go. and they'll start to learn that being with their grandkids is a privilege, not a right. Hey, mom, dad, if you continue to say harsh, critical things to your grandchild or to us, you will have chosen, like that language, you will have chosen to not be part of their lives until you change. Access to you and your children is a privilege because that's how relationships work.

23:50They go two ways. The grandparents are not just entitled to see them. And I would watch grandparents becoming possessive. Whenever I hear a grandparent being a little bit bitter or possessive, being like, oh, my grandchildren, oh, right? Or I cringe at that a little bit because there's this entitlement thing of like, well, I'm older, so I get to do whatever I want. No. if you're listening to this and you're older, you need to grow up. We're grown adults. You and I are older now. We should have figured some of this out. Or they'll use manipulation. Oh, I guess I could never do anything right. Or I don't know why you wouldn't let me see my grandchildren.

24:32No, your answer is, I didn't do this. You did. Do not let them continue to manipulate them. You are no longer a four-year-old or eight or 15-year-old looking for needing their acceptance or validation. They are grown-ups responsible for their own behavior, and you are a grown, smart, competent parent, and I trust you with your kids. So look, we follow this ourselves. We know that if we intrude too much or stay too long or offer unsolicited advice, our son and daughter-in-law won't want to spend time with us. And see, that's all within our control. And this is excellent modeling for your kids. First, you're demonstrating that they are safe because you are protecting them instead of sacrificing them because you are afraid of your own parents.

25:23And I get how hard that is. You're also modeling self-respect. Hey, you should act respectfully and expect to be treated with respect. And if someone will not treat you that way, well, then you'd leave. And I want your kids to know that in relationships of like, no, you don't just stay around with that guy for years on end dating when he's not treating it. No, you've got self-respect. You deserve better. You leave. And this will be really uncomfortable, but that also means you're going to grow a lot. And perhaps for the first time, speak up to your parents and value your own autonomy. It will feel good in the end.

26:02Again, don't let their tantrums sway you any more than you allow a toddler's tantrums to sway you. Number nine, I don't like to end it there. I like the invitation and appeal. And I said a version of this to my dad. Dad, look, you're getting older. If you continue to treat your grandkids like this, they simply won't like you. They won't want to spend time with you. And you will not have proven your point to a child. You will have missed out on an opportunity to spoil your grandson and your grandkids. Every kid deserves a special grandma or grandpa. Casey only gets two grandpas. Be the one he remembers with fondness.

26:42After you're gone, as a loving, fun grandpa he made special memories with. Look, you don't have to do any hard work or discipline. We'll do that. You just enjoy him. Take him fun places. Buy him little surprises and treats. Tell him interesting stories. Do special projects with him. That's your legacy. And that's what ultimately got my dad to soften a little bit. Number 10, show your parents how to connect with your kids and help you. Instead of just saying to the grandparents, you can't do this, you can't do that with the grandkids, because sometimes we do that as modern parents. Like, no, we can't do any.

27:19No, give them specific ideas on what they can do based on your child's interests. Many of our kids like experimenting with how mechanical things work. So this leads to great missions in the garage, fixing broken things, taking apart and rebuilding electronics or motors. They may want to do adult-type jobs like staining some furniture, plant a garden, learn how to change the oil, or can vegetables. Give your parents specific ways to see your kids shine. Here's a really cool example from mom. She said, my mom loves history, my son loves history and seeing how mechanical things work. My parents had this vintage clock that meant so much to my late father, but it wasn't working anymore.