Should You Celebrate Your Child Infuriating You (& Lying About It)? #532

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1:29On iXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level, and they're not forced into a single learning path. Our kids thrive on positive feedback and IXL consistently reinforces success. Plus, IXL gives you as the parent feedback on their progress so you know where to focus your efforts. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So you get a call from some parents you don't know, or maybe it's a school calling again, informing you that your child has done something inappropriate.

2:18Your child then lies and tries to hide it from you. Now, the typical response is to be upset and worried because, oh, my child made a poor decision, demonstrated a lack of integrity, deceived me, and now I'm wondering what this means for his or her future. And so my anxiety kicks in because I never did something like this, so I'm going to lecture and be angry and demand an answer, an explanation. My head is swirling because I just can't understand after all the advantages we give this kid in life and everything we have taught him, why does he keep making such impulsive decisions like this? It seems like these issues always come up and now I have to deal with other parents who are upset and they're going to be unreasonable and I'm tired of people judging my child and me.

3:06But it's not just outside my home. Is my spouse on the same page with me? What kind of harsh consequence are we going to impose here? Or you may be in a situation wondering if your spouse is going to overreact and now you have to be the referee again. It's all so confusing. So how can we handle situations like this in a completely different way? Should you really celebrate your child's behavior in this situation? And what about the line? How can you transform experiences like this that typically cause drama and torn relationships into a huge teaching and bonding opportunity. That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

3:49I am super excited to share this story with you. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our Black Friday sale is back. It's at CelebrateCalm.com. So you can get all 17 programs for the lowest price of the year to change your family and make these lessons stick. So this is a story I've told before. It's from everyday parents I've worked with. But as I get older and learn more, I get new insights that I love sharing. So I hope you find this helpful. So you get a call from some upset parents at your child's school informing you your son traded some Pokemon cards for a pair of their son's Air Jordan sneakers.

4:29And that immediately kind of spikes your anxiety because now you have potential conflict with other parents. and sparks this dread because it's always something with your strong-willed child. Your child is being deceptive and ultimately lies about this. So I want to broaden this and apply some key principles to everyday situations you will face with these strong-willed kids. So look, you know this. You've got two options. And you already know that reacting, lecturing, and barking out a harsh consequence, it won't help you get to the root of the issue. It won't help you teach. and you'll have missed a huge opportunity.

5:05And then your child will feel like even more of a failure than he or she already does. So I'm going to encourage you to take the uncomfortable path and go against everything that you may have learned when you were a kid and everything you've been taught. So I'm gonna go through 10 steps. Number one, just get perspective. Kids do stupid stuff. That's their job description. Think about this. When you had kids, did you somehow expect that they would go through their first 18 years of life just making wise, healthy choices that you would make as a 40-year-old? As if we make wise, healthy choices when we're adults.

5:46That would be weird if they did. Part of the purpose of childhood is to be a child and make impulsive choices and learn from them when the stakes aren't high. I'm not being flippant and I'm not making excuses, but so many parents freak out because their kids simply acted like kids. It's normal. It's okay. And I'd encourage you to do this. Turn the situation around 180 degrees. Think about this every time your child gets in trouble. What didn't your child do in this situation? I found that to be incredibly helpful with Casey for getting perspective. Because you're going to get calls from school because your strong-willed daughter won't sit still in circle time.

6:33Okay, well that's pretty normal. She has a ton of energy and she's never stopped moving. But she's not jumping on desks or throwing things all over the classroom. That teenager who plays video games a little too much, yeah, I get that. But if he's not vaping or doing drugs or looking at porn or on screens until 2 a.m., then he's doing pretty well as a teenager. and I'd actually recognize that and say that to your teen or tween sometime. Hey, you know what? I think you're crushing it. I know what your friends are doing and they're doing things way worse than this. Fist bump, walk out of the room.

7:08And I remember getting a note from school saying, well, your son Casey buttoned line in the cafeteria. And I thought, okay, that tells me he was hungry and he has initiative. But he didn't push some other kid down and step on him. I'm not making excuses. I'm just trying to get some perspective and normalize this. So what didn't this child do? He didn't steal your money to buy the Jordans. He didn't threaten some kid or coerce him, though he may have used excellent persuasion skills, which is fantastic qualities. He didn't steal the shoes. He didn't bug you 87 times to get him Jordans. He didn't do any of those things.

7:47His only real fault here was lying to you about it, and we'll get to that. Number two, control your anxiety over your child's future. I know in the moment, it seems like your strong-willed child, you know, that one who's always been in trouble and challenging since birth, who you constantly get calls from school about, who absorbs about 80 % of your family's energy, and that's very normal. It seems like this child will never really get his or her act together. How are they going to be successful in life? And we felt that way about Casey. Like, we've done everything for you. We've given you every opportunity, sent you to every different kind of school, and we pleaded with you.

8:26So why can't you just go a few days without some incident? If you're feeling like that, you're normal. You're not alone. But I want you to know that's just your anxiety projecting into the future. Your kids will change. Number three, slow your world down and reset. Instead of reacting, lecturing, confronting your child, you slow your world down inside. It is a critical key. That's why if you take advantage of the Black Friday sale or if you already have our programs, go through the 30 Days to Calm program first because we teach you step by step how to slow your world down inside so you stop reacting and getting triggered.

9:11I'd encourage you, have a calming routine for yourself when, not if, these situations happen. We always have kind of rules in place. We never talk about issues like this when our child first comes home. We connect first. We go for a 20-minute walk because fresh air often provides clarity. If it wasn't urgent, we would sleep on it, exercise, meditate, pray, take a hot shower, organize something in your closet or cupboard or garage because that gives you something you feel in control of and now you let the other parents know hey we'll call you after we have a chance to talk with our son and then take a deep breath and relax a little bit and think about this from the perspective of a kid instead of as an anxious responsible parent assume the best about your child's intentions.

10:01He's a kid who really wanted some Jordans because they are cool and way too expensive his wife which is why you haven't bought them for him. So he traded something he doesn't care about as much anymore his Pokemon cards for something of value to him. The other kid used the same rationale to get something he wanted and if I'm being generous I'd say your son lied because he feared your reaction, even though he didn't do anything wrong. So number four, make a big deal out of the Jordans. Seriously, when your child comes home, instead of confronting him about his behavior, ask him, be curious, hey, why do you like these so much?

10:43What is it that you really love about the Jordans? Is it the style, the color, the design, or just that they're cool? Share in his excitement because your child is excited about this. He didn't do anything wrong trading for them. Remember, he didn't steal them. You're just being too uptight because you're good parents. Now, the parents in this situation were concerned because their son had an eye for more upscale things. And so did Casey and Mrs. Calm and I were and are both pretty modest and simple in our tastes. So we always wondered like why does Casey always want these upscale clothes and nice guitars and now he gets nice skis.

11:24Well we taught him he'd have to work harder to afford the more expensive options but we've noticed he buys higher quality things that last longer and have better resale value. Our kids often just have different sensibilities that we have and it makes us uncomfortable at times. And that's why I want you to celebrate the Jordans. It will blow your child away because he's expecting that you're going to get on him and lecture and he's going to be defensive when he comes home because he thinks, oh, they're going to be angry at me. Don't be angry, be happy. Be happy that you are celebrating your child instead of once again lecturing and telling him how he messed up.

12:06Now, I promise we're going to get to the lying part, but let's first celebrate break that your child did something that he was excited about and he made a smart deal. So number five, ask him how he made the deal. Think about it. He traded cardboard he doesn't care about for something useful. That is an epic trade. He engaged in a business negotiation, trading one thing of value for another. Hey, so what did you have to give up to get these? What was the value of the cards that you traded? How much are these Jordans worth? See, I would affirm him for having good business sense and being persuasive, especially if he didn't coerce the other kid.

12:46Do you know how many people don't have this skill? And do you know how many people have made careers and fortunes out of selling things or reselling things for a higher price? This is a skill you want to develop, not discourage. You could even say, hey, nice job getting a slightly larger pair of Jordans. That saves us from having to buy you shoes next time. Well done, son. See, now your child is beaming and feels affirmed instead of defensive. And this is actually helping you get into a different mindset. Now you can address the fact that he lied to you initially and deceived you. You know your child better than anyone.

13:28So when something shifts, like they're suddenly anxious around meals, cutting out foods, losing weight, or their personality just feels different, Something more serious may be going on. When eating disorders show up, they can completely hijack a child's brain. That moodiness, withdrawal, combative behavior isn't them. It's the illness. The good news is the earlier you get support, the easier recovery is. And that's why I want to reintroduce you to Equip. Equip is a fully virtual eating disorder treatment program that brings best-in-class, evidence-based care right to your home. Every family gets an entire team, a therapist, dietitian, medical provider, and mentors who've been through this themselves.

14:08They're experts in treating all eating disorders, even lesser-known ones like ARFID. There's no wait list. It's covered by most insurance plans. And you can talk to an expert right away to get answers. So if something in your gut is telling you to look deeper, listen to it. Visit equip.health.com to get a free consultation with Equip. That's equip.health.com. Number six. See, now that you've taken the emotional charge out of this, you can pivot and ask your child this. Hey son, is there anything at all about this situation that you would handle differently next time? And let's see if he opens up and admits that hiding it from you was wrong.

14:52And I bet you he does. But if he doesn't immediately go there, then you can ask it this way. Hey, we think you made a really good business decision. You were smart. You got something you really wanted. But there's one aspect of this that we weren't happy with. Can you guess what that is? See, I'm not pounding him, lecturing him about his lack of integrity and how we can't trust him anymore. I'm talking to him like an adult. I just ask him, hey, can you guess what that is? And if he needs more prompting, do it. But I imagine at some point he's going to say, hey, mom, dad, I shouldn't have lied to you and tried to hide this.

15:25Just don't take it personally. How many times do we escalate situations because we get offended that our kids deliberately lied to us, and then we project into the future about the child becoming some deceitful reprobate no one can trust? But you realize, of course, he lied. Of course he lied. That's what kids do. They do impulsive things, and then they cover them up. I'm not excusing it. I'm just normalizing it. He wasn't thinking, I'm going to do this to make my parents uncomfortable. So relax with that. Now, number seven, you can apologize and own your own part in this if necessary. So you can reply with a smile if this is true.

16:08Well, of course you shouldn't have hid this from us. But then you can pivot and ask something like this. Hey, son, daughter, did you hide this from us and lie because you were afraid of our reaction? And then listen to your child. Look, I don't do blame or guilt. I just want us to own our own stuff as adults because sometimes we as parents inadvertently cause our kids to hide things and lie because we overreact and we don't make it easy for kids to tell us the truth. See, it's worth hearing if your child feels that way. So if you need to apologize, just do it. Hey, I'm sorry that we sometimes overreact and assume the worst.

16:46And then number eight is what I really want to get to. I want to use this as an opportunity to problem solve by role-playing the situation. Okay, next time this situation comes up, how can we handle it differently? How can we make it easier for you to come to us so we can perhaps even help you negotiate better? And what could you do differently? Look, I hate role-playing, but I also love role-playing because it is extremely effective. And your kids will groan when you require them to do it. So it's a great, like if you want to like a consequence, they don't like, oh, we're going to role play. Because you know what you're doing?

17:25You're practicing new skills. In this case, you ask your son to walk into the house with his new Jordans on display and say, mom, dad, guess what I did? And then he tells you. And then you practice your new response, not freaking out, lecturing him about why it wasn't practical. You practice listening, having a conversation and problem solving. See, that will pay dividends in the future. Think about this. He gets to, your child gets to practice saying things that disappoint you. See, that's really important because you want your child coming to you throughout their childhood, saying things honestly so that you can help your kids rather than continually kind of lying and hiding things.

18:09See, I wanted Casey to come to me and say, Dad, I did something last night at the party I shouldn't have done. Can you help me? See, we're breaking generational patterns as well. Many of you have a hard time speaking up for yourself, even as an adult. Because when you were a kid, your parents shut you down. Or they rejected you when you did speak up. And now you struggle with fear and resentment. You perhaps married someone who treats you like your mom or dad did. So I want to break those patterns. And by doing it this way, your child is physically practicing saying something that disappoints you, and you get to practice not reacting.

18:48And you may need to repeatedly practice this. But see how much more effective this approach is than simply reacting, getting upset, lecturing, and taking away his screens. You actually practice new skills, and that's discipline. Discipline means to teach, not to react out of frustration and send a child to the room. Practicing new skills. Number nine, let the kids work this out. I know this is hard nowadays, but I really want the two kids in this situation to figure this out without the parents getting all upset about it. So you could call the other parents and ideally, you just all get together.

19:22And you could ask the kids, hey, is there anything you'd wanna change about this trade? Just make sure one of them didn't feel ripped off. But now you get to hear the kid's rationale. The other kid had outgrown his Jordans and your son had outgrown his like for Pokemon cards, so they both made wise decisions and each got something they wanted, while it was the adults who freaked out. So you can affirm them for this. They both basically recycled things they didn't want anymore for something of value, rather than throwing them away. And your son just saved you a ton of money because you don't have to buy him shoes for a while.

20:02You could even go the next step and suggest the kids team up together to perhaps to start a business reselling old items. Are there other things they don't want anymore that they could sell or trade for? Could you hire them to go through your garage and attic and house and have a yard sale with some of the proceeds? Maybe going to a charity since a lot of our kids have big hearts. Maybe the kids could take plain shoes or old shoes, add some sort of blingy design, and resell them for a profit. You may discover your child has a knack for this, which is a profitable skill to have in life. Look, I'd adopt this kid simply because he traded cardboard for something valuable, and he's got the makings of a good business person.

20:49So, number 10. And this is kind of funny and ironic. The parents in this situation told me the first thing their son did when he came home was clean his new shoes. This is a kid who never cleans his bedroom, his bathroom, probably leaves crumbs everywhere he goes like our son did. But when he cares about something, just like your kids, they know the right thing to do. Your kids, they will do things. They are motivated when they are internally motivated and care about something. they will exhibit all the qualities that you want to see in life. You just have to find what they care about. And I want to end this with what may sound like a weird idea, but it's based on a couple recent emails.

21:32And one couple said, we've been so frustrated for years and pretty much disagreed over how to handle these situations with our daughter every time. And they said, we began listening to the podcast and it felt like someone had actually understood how hard this is. But once we downloaded the programs on our phones, it's like we downloaded confidence into our brains. Now we're not reacting. We're slowing down. And this is the cool part to me. We're beginning to anticipate problems. And sometimes we're giving each other high fives like, hey, we actually did that well with a hormonal tween. So I want you to celebrate the progress you've been making.

22:14Some of you as husband and wife, you just have differing styles. And you're not on the same page altogether yet. But if you've made progress, celebrate that. I bet you're doing way better than you even think you are. You've probably come way further than you can imagine. You're not reacting or yelling as much as you used to. You're connecting more and listening and problem solving. So take some time and recognize that as a family. I'd encourage you, bake or go buy a special cake or whatever you like for dessert one night. And when the kids ask what it's for, because you can put some candles on it and light the candles and make it like a festive thing.

23:00And they say, what are we doing? Whose birthday is it? No, we're just proud of ourselves as a family. This is really hard work and we're all doing better. See, that can be a very powerful statement. Then let your kids, I encourage you, let your kids listen to the programs on the app. This is a family mission. Do it together. It's not like it's like parents over here and then kids over here. Like there are all these secrets. We're all learning this stuff together. You are still the authority figure. That's never in doubt. But now you're bringing your kids into this and saying, hey, how do you think we as a family could handle this together?

23:41You can say, hey, morning routine, after school, evening, not working that well. What can we do differently? Your kids will often have insights into things, and if you let them listen to our programs, they will use it against you. Apparently, you're not listening to the calm guy, mom and dad, but do that as a family. It's really cool. So, and our Black Friday sales on sale, we've got that now, 17 programs, dozens of insights and strategies that I don't have time to explain on the podcast, but you get it right on all your devices for life. So go to CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help with that, email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, CelebrateCalm.com for help.

24:21Look, moms and dads, I'm proud of you all. You're making good progress. You're creating a new family tree you can be proud of so your kids will not repeat the same mistakes we have and they're gonna have such good relationships. Man, you guys are crushing. Okay, love you all. We'll talk to you next time. Bye-bye.