Sibling Scripts: Your Summer Guide to Turn Provoking Into Peace #613

0:00So here's a cool story of how two parents chose to inspire their child's curiosity this summer. The parents signed up to learn calculus and Spanish at ixl.com slash Kirk to support their kids taking a class over the summer. I love this. You are learning right alongside your child. They can see you wrestling with ideas, being curious, and at times asking them for help. It's awesome modeling for your kids, and it makes it feel like learning is a family adventure, not just something you make them do. iXL is an award-winning learning platform with an easy-to-navigate layout that uses interactive practice and step-by-step video tutorials that make it perfect for relaxed summer learning.

0:45So what class are you going to take this summer? Make an impact on your child's learning. Get iXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off and iXL membership when you sign up today at iXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So we just got back from our annual family vacation at the beach. Guess what everyone was jealous of? Our cozy earth cooling bamboo sheets and stylish beach towel, which is heavenly soft and dry so quickly. Yeah, we love our cozy earth bamboo sheets so much, we travel with them. Look, after a long summer day hiking or working outside, being in the sand, there is nothing more satisfying than slipping under the heavenly softness of our cozy earth bamboo sheets.

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2:52Which makes sense. Because we're in the heart of the summer. and your kids have been together all the time. So I want to give you some very practical tools that you can use. And we're going to cover what do we do with that provoking child. How about the child who gets picked on teaching them to speak up and how can you deal with it so it just doesn't drive you crazy so much. That is what we're going to discuss on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in the final days of our Christmas in July sale at CelebrateCalm.com.

3:24I'm going to ask you a favor. This is also the final few days of my special hiking trip with our son Casey. And I had a different podcast already planned and recorded, but I've gotten so many emails and questions. So I was making some notes today. This will not be scripted, but it's going to be really good. And as always, I hope it's very practical and helpful. So I've got about seven points to make here. So let's roll. Number one was sibling squabbles and fights. Accept it. It's normal. It would be weird to me if you had kids who were not getting on each other's nerves. You have probably been married for a while.

4:06You get on each other's nerves. You squabble, and you're grown adults. So why would you expect anything different from our kids? From the beginning of time, if you read any ancient literature, it is filled with stories of what? Siblings who were fighting. And so some of you, it's hard because you grew up with no siblings. And so you think this is awful. And you're not doing anything wrong. I want you to know I grew up with three brothers. It was a part of our childhood. We are grown adults now and we still squabble and we give each other a hard time, but we love each other. So you're not doing something wrong.

4:52There's nothing abnormal about this. Now, to me, sibling fights tend to come from two or three different things. Number one is boredom. You have kids, strong old kids, kids on the spectrum, ADHD kids who need a lot of brain stimulation. Well, if I get bored, well, what is my brain going to tell me to do? All I have to do is poke my brother or look at my sister. And then they react to me. And now I'm in complete control of their behavior. Now mom or dad is coming in the room. Leave your sister alone. And I just changed the behavior of three people by looking at my sister. That solves my boredom.

5:32It's just a negative way to do it. So we don't want that. So we'll address that. Number two is resentment. If you have a strong-willed child, they have likely been the black sheep of the family. They're in trouble all the time, and they feel like you favor the other siblings. And so they will grow resentful toward the sibling that does so well in school, and everything's easy for them, and they get invited to sleepovers. That's very normal. We'll address that. And related to that one is confidence. Look, people who are confident, who feel good about their future, who have a vision, they tend not to put other people down.

6:12They tend not to pick on other people because they're secure and they're so focused on the good things in their life, they don't need to pick out all the negative things in other people. So building confidence is hugely important. I would encourage you to go back and listen to, I think it was at the end of June, Maybe June 25th, we did one on six ways to build your child's confidence over the summer. You get your child with a vision, building confidence. A lot of the sibling issues go away, and I'll get to that in a bit. Okay, number two, I'm going to encourage you, next time your kids are squabbling and doing this, sit in the midst of it and ask questions.

6:56Dad had emailed and said, I used to shut down all the sibling squabbles and fights because they irritated me, both the fight and the kids. And I just wanted peace and quiet. I started listening to your programs, going through the 30 Days to Calm, and I realized I was part of the problem. I, listen to this, this is interesting insight from this dad. I was giving the kids complete power over my emotions, my tone of voice, my entire day. I was giving these sibling squabbles complete power over me. They were irritating in charge of me. And he said, I actually became the third participant in this. And the kids knew it.

7:45And the truth is, I was more reactive than the kids because my wife told me that later. She's like, look, the two kids fighting, I kind of deal with that. But when you come in raising your voice and now you're tense, now I've got three of you to deal with. And kudos to this dad and all of you who are working on this. So he said, I did what you said in your programs, because I think I have this on the Stop Sibling Fights program, is pop some popcorn, just pop some popcorn, and walk into the room and sit down and put your feet up and eat some popcorn and begin asking questions. Hey, I'm curious.

8:27What's going on? What set you off? Why are you saying that to your brother? Try to identify the root of it. And then you can say to the child who's like, oh, he's irritating me. You say like, yeah, it bothers me too. I have a high need for order. I have this sense of justice because this dad said he's a little bit on this spectrum like one of his kids. And so you start identifying with it and you start breaking it down instead of, hey, cut it out. You go to your room. You go to your room until you two can play together. No screens, nothing else in the house. That's not teaching them. What this dad started doing he said it felt great because it's what i do in my job i problem solve and so now i was trying to break it down and say hey what could we do differently and now that i was slowing my world down like you talk about i could see the situation so much more so much more clearly so number three and here's what the dad started working on it and i have in my notes instead of just sitting in it, lie down in the midst of it.

9:35Because this is one of my favorite examples of two siblings are fighting in the living room. You walk into the living room and you lie down in the middle of the living room floor. Why? Because your kids will stop what they're doing and say, what are you doing? And be like, well, I was just listening. I was just observing this. And then you can start teaching because discipline means to teach. It doesn't mean to punish, to send to the child's room. And you can say to the, let's start with the provoking child. Hey, provoking child. Hey, do you know why you're doing this? Because I kind of have an idea.

10:10I think what happens is you've got this really busy brain and you hate being bored. You get bored, you start picking on your brother or sister because they react to you. Well, that's pretty smart of your brain to do. The only problem with that is you tend to get in trouble for that and lose some of your privileges. and I know at the end of the day, it doesn't feel good to pick on your brother or sister. So I've got an idea for you because here's what else I know about your brain and your heart. You love money because many of your kids, they're born entrepreneurs and it's not an unhealthy love like greed.

10:43They like making money. And number two, you've got a big heart. So I have an idea for you. You have a choice from now on. You may continue to pick on your brother and sister, but it just doesn't end well for you. So if instead you want to come help me fix dinner, I've got to do something in the garage. I bet we could brainstorm three different ways for you to earn some money in this neighborhood, in around the house. And with that money, well, you can buy your own stuff, but you could also give money to say St. Jude's to kids with cancer. And I'll even match a part of that. So what I'm doing is instead of you're a bad kid.

11:23Why do you always pick on your brother? You can't ever just be quiet. Go to your room. Now I'm teaching him. Now, son, this is why you're doing that. Because your child is likely going to struggle with this for the rest of his or her life. Because I'm an older guy. I have ADHD. I know I need that brain stimulation. but now I know how to get that need met in positive proactive ways like that's why I hike a lot to get that energy out and there are several other ways but then you've equipped your child to know I need to know how to deal with this by the way with young men it is a huge issue now with gambling because it's all not it's free now like it's legal so you can gamble and all the other porn everything else is available.

12:14That's highly addictive and very stimulating for the brain. So I want to start teaching kids, hey, you're going to need to know how to do this. And I'm going to teach you how to do it in positive ways. So this is a mission using your brain to make money, to give money to a charity, and that will be very stimulating to you. And so do you see how that works? I've just taught him something and I love doing that. Now with the other child who gets picked on, you can teach them how to handle conflict and speak up for themselves because a lot of the other siblings are really sweet kids who are people pleasers.

12:53And I want you to let them know it's not mean for you to say no to your brother or sister. That is called demonstrating self-respect. Your brother or sister will only have respect for you if you demonstrate self-respect. And so I would script this form and actually role play because it's hard for some of these kids to speak up and say, you know what, I don't want to do that. But I would go play X or Y game with you. Here's another one. I'm not going to play if you're just going to cheat or quit. I just want to play to get better. But I don't care if I win or lose. And I don't need to be better than you.

13:37See, now that's kind of a little bit advanced because that's what's going on with the provoking child. They quit because they feel insecure. If I lose, that makes me a loser. So having the other child be able to speak up and say, no, I don't want to do that is a fantastic life skill. Because these kind of kids, these kids are the ones who get taken advantage of in life. And some of you are like this. And I have part of that. I'm part kind of strong-willed and part people pleaser in me and I know the pattern which is someone asked me to do something or for something and I know inside like no I don't really want to do that but I say yes to it because I think well I'm being a nice guy and then I immediately start to beat myself up why did I do that I don't want to do that I'm so stupid and some of you have been through that so I want you to use it's what I've said before with meltdowns They're a huge opportunity to teach your kids life skills.

14:36So these sibling fights and squabbles, instead of seeing as, oh, it's so irritating. I give my kids all these different things and they can't even play well together. It is a huge opportunity to teach them life skills that they will use for the rest of their. So I love getting messages that aren't about parenting. A mom said we are on a three week road trip this summer with four kids. Yes, we're playing your parenting programs because the kids think they're learning our secrets. But what has helped a ton is the Cure hydrating packets. The kids love, and occasionally fight over, the different flavors, and they are amazed we keep letting them have Cure.

15:17We didn't tell them they're healthy, so they think they're drinking something loaded with sugar when there's none in there. Cure has saved us tons of money because they're not begging us for sodas and sports drinks. Our strong-willed son, of course, will only drink the adult flavors. And they even take them into restaurants to mix in the water. That's awesome. Look, if you need to resupply on the road, you can now get Cure at Target. Or get 20 % off at curehydration.com with code CALM. That's curehydration.com, code CALM. So mom emailed and said, I have two picky eaters at home. One is eight and the other is 38.

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16:41Go to HungryRoot.com and use code CALM. That's HungryRoot.com slash calm code calm to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. You're going to love Hungaroo. Okay, I'm a little embarrassed to admit this, but I bet you've fallen into this trap. We've had the same knives for decades and they aren't sharp. So every single day when I'm cutting up a salad, pineapple or chicken, it's frustrating. So I finally, finally went to Wayfair.com. I read the reviews. I ordered two very sharp everyday knives for less than$20. I know it sounds dumb, but those knives are providing so much joy on a daily basis.

17:27They slice through everything. And now I kid myself for not doing this years ago. Don't live with kitchen or home regrets. What do you need to upgrade in your home? I bet you can do it for way less than you think at Wayfair. Head to wayfair.com right now to shop all things home and get your space ready for less. That's w-a-y-f-a-r.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Lives. Okay, number five, just normalize it so your kids know that they're pretty normal, that they're competitive, they're around each other all day. It's pretty normal for this to happen. And again, we're giving them some skills.

18:11I'm going to add this in there because I really like this idea of modeling it in your marriage. Now, I don't want you to tell your kids about all your different marriage issues, but they can usually tell some of them. And it's this of like, honest talk with your kids of like, look, we're still figuring this out as two grown adults. and as your kids get older, you can teach them about how to compromise. You can, if you want, tell them a little bit about like, hey, here was my childhood. This is what I struggled with. So like for us, it was, well, I had a career military father. And so he was abusive toward us and really toward my mom a lot.

18:55And so what I learned was conflict is bad. And so what you do is you run away from conflict, whereas my wife came from a background where she was abandoned, actually by both her parents in some ways, but especially her dad. And so what happened is if something was happening and she wanted to talk and bring something up, I was like, oh, that's conflict. That's bad. I run away and disappear, which triggered her abandonment issues even more. It was like a perfect storm in our home. We were like perfectly imperfect for each other. And so we had to learn in the middle of our marriage how to handle conflict and have those discussions.

19:35And so there's some modeling. Your kids pick up on a lot of those subtle things that are happening in the kitchen with those conversations. They can hear your tone of voice change as you're talking to each other. So just be aware of that, that that is really good modeling for how to handle conflict, how to compromise, and how to come together, forgive each other at the end of the day. Super important. Okay, number seven, confidence issue. So you may have heard me talk about this before, but I love mission and mentor. Getting kids using their natural gifts, talents, and passions, what they're good at.

20:16That's a mission, something larger than themselves and a mentor. It doesn't have to be an official mentor, just another adult who can do two things, who can encourage them and also hold them accountable because other adults can do. Look, if you sent one of your strong-willed kids out to live with us for the summer, your children would be awesome for us. Is that because we're so good at this? No, we're just not you. Our kids are great for other people, just not their parents. and I would get them to work and I'd be like, oh, I don't know why you're having problems with your son or daughter. They do everything we ask them to do.

20:51Well, they're so diligent. They're outside working in the yard. They're doing all these things. And so, but I could, I could do two things. One, I could hold your child accountable and say, hey, you got to cut that out or you need to do a better job. And I talked to them in an even matter of fact tone. I wouldn't use that really sweet tone or I wouldn't lecture them. And they probably listened to me because I'm not their parent. And I could also encourage them in ways that really meant something because mom and dad have to say nice things about me, but another adult doesn't. So you've heard me talk.

21:24I would do this. Find a neighbor, an elderly neighbor, a mom who needs help with her kids, because some of you have people in the neighborhood who really need some help and your kids are really good with younger kids. So babysitting or going down there and being a mother's helper, helping an elderly couple do stuff around their house. Here's what it provides, space and place. So let's say your provoking child, your Strongville child, goes down to a neighbor's house for a couple hours every few days or lives with them, goes for a couple of days. Well, now there's space because they're out of the house for a little bit.

22:04And that gives the other sibling space away from that more provoking child and it gives them a place that is their own. Because we've talked about the fact that our kids do not compete well in the kid world. And so they don't get grades as well. They're not as good at school. Just roll with me. They're not as good in school as their siblings, maybe. They may not be socially as adept as their siblings. So when they have their place and they're down there and they're helping another human, you know what it does? Inside, it's like, I have something to give. I can help other people. It could be service projects.

22:47Dropping them off somewhere to help feed the homeless or at an animal shelter. All those things are really, really good. Starting their own little business. Parents just emailed and said, hey, we took your advice, did that. And our son, his name is Max. He now has a power washing business and he called it Power Max. Well, guess what? Now that kid is going around the neighborhood handing out flyers, cold calling indoors. And this is your child who's really good at sales because they're persuasive and they don't stop. And that child is out all day working, power washing, making money. Well, guess what he doesn't have time and energy for now?

23:27picking on his brother and sister because he's got a vision and a mission and he's busy and that builds confidence it's really really cool how that works so please put some time into that i always like to say sibling issues usually are not really sibling issues it's more so that it's a boredom issue or it's a resentment issue or it's a confidence issue so i really put some time into thinking maybe there's someone at work a colleague that you work with that could use some help with some kind of project that your child might be good at doing anyway enough on that okay here's a really cool email that i kind of i think i'm going to close with this one because it's really good it was um and i and i use it to encourage you because a lot of parents this summer doing this and i love this they're letting their kids listen to our programs because this is not the wizard of ahs.

24:25There are no secrets here. You can't keep secrets from a strong-willed child. They know all your weaknesses. They know all your buttons. They know all your triggers. What I want them to understand is why they do things. And so over the summer, while there is time, while you're driving to places, while the kids are bored, if you want to do camp boredom, like we talked about, and you have time. So here's what a kid said. His parents let him listen to our programs. And he He said, I never understood before why I cheated, why I quit games, why I changed the rules. I always felt bad and I was embarrassed.

25:05And I always thought that I was a really bad kid and I had so much shame inside. But now I understand why I was just a kid. And it was interesting he's saying that as if he's 30 now. but he said i was just a kid who didn't understand myself who who felt out of control and he said i never understood why i always like to collect little things and his parents had said he always had like little stones and acorns in his pockets and again he's getting this self-knowledge and self-awareness to know oh when things feel out of my control when i don't feel good about myself then I seek to control other people and situations.

25:49How many of us did not learn that about ourselves till we're 35 or 40? Or if you're a man, not until you're 50 because we're really slow at this stuff sometimes. And now you have a kid who's understanding himself. So guess what he started doing? He talked to his parents and said, I really am not that interested in the kid world, but I really am interested in the adult world. Can I start doing more adult jobs around the house? So guess what he's doing? He's changing the oil in the car and he is doing outdoor jobs and he is cooking a meal one night a week for his parents. And so it's cool when you start to teach your kids why they are doing certain things so they can make adjustments.

26:34Part of the reason none of us adults or kids make changes is because we don't really understand what's happening underneath. We're kind of on autopilot. Even with our eating and our diets and our food, we don't understand. But when you understand what your body's craving and why, you can say, oh, now I get it. Now I don't feel helpless anymore to make those changes. So I would encourage you, let your kids listen to the programs. We have them on sale. It's Christmas and July sale. If you need additional help, just email Casey. but I really want you to use this summer to understand what triggers you so your kids understand so you can make changes.

27:16All right, that's enough. Look, I really respect you all. You listen to a parenting podcast and you're working on yourselves. And so thank you for that. I promise you it is all worth it. Thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing the podcast, subscribing to the podcast. If we can help you in any way, let us know. Okay, love you all. I hope your kids, I hope your kids start squabbling as soon as this thing is over or maybe right in the middle of it they did. So you can go and practice some of these things that we talked about. You've got this. You've got this, moms and dads.