Social Skills Playbook: 10 Scripts For Kids Who Struggle With Friendships #611

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2:34Save big money at Menards. Do you have children who struggle to connect with kids their own age, who miss social cues or act silly in class, who dominate conversations, get bossy during playdates or with siblings, become possessive of a friend? Do you have a child who gets anxious about going to school or summer camp? You're not alone. This is very common with our kids, and I want to give you some practical tools to help. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, also host of the PDA Parent Podcast, which you can find at CelebrateCalm.com.

3:13Shout out to Alicia in Appleton, Wisconsin, where we lived when Casey was an infant. We have such great memories. I had to have a work fax machine back then, and we didn't have much money. So we had this little one-bedroom apartment with a crib and a fax machine in it. So Alicia emailed and asked, hey, can you run the Christmas in July sale again? Because I really want your program. So we discussed it for about eight seconds, and that sale starts today. And I'm so excited about this podcast. I'm not talking right, but anyway, I'm going with it. So we like bold, assertive moms and dads. It's ask and you shall receive.

3:52So why do your kids struggle with social skills? Number one, many of our kids have something called asynchronous development. Asynchronous, out of sync. So intellectually, they're kind of advanced. And that's why they have amazing talks with adults. That's why they sometimes like getting kicked out of class so they can go talk to the principal. Because now they're talking to like the president of the school and they like that. They're very good in the adult world, but emotionally, socially, sometimes they're a year or two behind. So you'll notice they're often really good with younger kids. Younger kids are kind of drawn to them and they just naturally connect.

4:34Or some of your kids are really good with animals. But who do they struggle to connect with? Kids their own age. And who do we send our kids to school with for basically the first 20 years of their life? Only kids their own age. and that's very arbitrary and unnatural. It doesn't happen after you graduate from school. None of you work at a company where it's only 37-year-olds. So this makes it really tough for our kids. The good news is you're not raising your child to be a child. You're raising them to be successful in the adult world, which is where they will spend most of their lives. Still, it's hard to watch your child struggle with peers.

5:17Number two, your kids are going to miss social cues. One reason is because our kids are such deep thinkers. They're often wandering around daydreaming and thinking about advanced concepts, but that causes them to be kind of one step off from other kids in their class. A lot of our kids will miss social cues because they struggle with anxiety. Well, if I have anxiety, I'm going to be very internally focused because I'm just trying to hold everything together. And I'm so worried about just doing everything right. So I can't relax and look outside of myself. And so your kids become a little bit awkward and that's pretty normal.

5:59And I can relate to that. And I know some of you can when you have to go to awkward social events that you try to get out of. It's great when you have little kids because you can always line say, oh, our child is sick. We need to stay home. We can't do that because ours is 33. Number three, some of your kids are fiercely independent and they don't want to do group projects or collaborate. Teachers will send home notes about that. I would just disregard their concern. Your kids are usually independent, entrepreneurial types who want to pursue their own passions and ideas with a single-minded focus.

6:37We need people like that. So please don't worry. You don't always have to collaborate. Notice that I own my own business. In college, I basically told other kids, hey, I'll do this group project by myself because I was a very good writer and it would guarantee that I would get a good grade and they would get a good grade, but I wouldn't have to suffer through endless meetings. So, because I didn't want my grade pinned to someone else's incompetence. But anyway, number four, most of your kids don't excel in traditional team sports, no matter how much mom or dad pushes. Well, team sports are a very common way to connect with other kids, but our kids tend to, it's not always the case, but tend to prefer more independent activities, such as rock climbing, ballet, martial arts, gymnastics.

7:29And these things also meet sensory needs. How many of you have kids who would be much happier down the street talking to a 65-year-old guy about electromagnetic currents rather than kicking a ball around with a kid his own age? Number five, we have talked before about how our kids often feel like things are out of their control. So you'll see they tend to control people and situations. Sometimes they will dominate a play date and boss their friends around. and you'll notice they often dominate conversations. It's not that they're being jerks. Some kids have auditory processing issues and or anxiety.

8:13Anxiety is caused by unknowns. Conversations can be scary because if someone asks me a question, well, one, I might not hear it correctly. And if I'm anxious, I'm going to be thinking like, okay, what should I say? But that also requires a response in the moment. And that's way harder if you have auditory processing issues or if you're just a slow processor like I am. That's why you'll hear awkward responses from your kids. And then sometimes they get embarrassed by that. But if I dominate the conversation and I make it about things that I'm interested in, now I've eliminated that unknown. It doesn't mean it's right, but it helps you understand what's going on inside.

8:57and I'll get to solutions for that in a few minutes. Number six, some kids just act silly in class or do something mischievous. Why? It's just an immature, and honestly, it's a sad attempt to get other kids to like them or to laugh because if I don't know how to naturally connect with kids in my class, well, at least if they're laughing or they think I'm the bad kid or a funny kid, well, then they're kind of my friends. Number seven, our kids can get very possessive of their friends. They are not aware of what they are doing. So perhaps you can help them with this and see if this makes sense. This is kind of what it feels like inside.

9:41It took a lot of emotional energy for me to find one friend in my class. And this kid, well, he doesn't make fun of me. And he's a little bit different like I am. So I'm going to cling to that kid because I don't have a lot of other options. Think about that. The popular kids, they've got like 15, 20 different options in the class. Some of your kids, they have like two options in class. So when they find that person, oh, they're going to lock on to him or her. Number eight, I know it hurts to see your kids struggle, to not get invited to birthday parties, to sit alone in the cafeteria at lunch.

10:21It hurts. I used to go sit at lunch with kids who came to our camps. And I remember with this one kid, he was a really sweet kid. He loved to read. I would take a book in and we both read. We wouldn't even talk, but at least he wasn't alone. Sometimes, though, your kids don't want a lot of friends. But if they do decide that they do, I want them to have the tools to do so. So let's go through some different ideas. Number one, as always, I'm going to begin with our part. Do not impose your social preferences on your kids. Do not project your feelings onto your kids. I know this is hard to watch when your kids are left out and they don't have a lot of friends.

11:05Perhaps it comes naturally to you and you derive a lot of satisfaction from time with your friends. So then you project out and think, well, my child must be unhappy because he or she doesn't have a lot of friends. But that's not always true. A lot of our kids prefer to have fewer friends but deeper friendships. That's how I am. I don't want a lot of friends. I want a few really deep friendships. And that's actually very healthy. But if you're always saying, oh, honey, why don't you call your friend? Or why don't you go to this event or try out for that team so you can meet some people? Well, that pressure will reinforce that there's something wrong with them because you keep pointing out that they don't have a lot of friends.

11:55Instead, you could affirm this choice. Oh, you don't have to have a lot of friends in life. It's sometimes better to have fewer friends, but deeper friendships because now you've got really loyal friends that you know really well. I actually think that's really smart. That'd be a great thing to say to your child if that's true. Number two, normalize this for your kids. Let's just talk about middle school kids. They're in this awkward hibernation phase caught between being a little kid and a big kid with all these hormones raging. So normalize it. Of course, you would want to be by yourself a little bit more now.

12:32This is one of the hardest stages of your life. So take your time as you figure out this new social landscape. You're going to be just fine. Now, here's a sample conversation you can have with your kids. Of course, you don't want to hang out with kids your own age. They talk about stuff you're not interested in. They're kind of boring. And they're always one-upping each other and kind of immature. That makes sense that you wouldn't want to hang out with them. But you know what I know about you? You're kind of an old soul. and so it makes sense to me that you'd rather be around older people. Why?

13:08Because you're really curious and you love to learn and those are such fantastic qualities and with older people you have these great talks and you can learn from their wisdom. Plus older people are settled. They're not trying to impress anyone. That's actually really mature of you to make that choice. Little side note by the way, older people are not competition with them either. See it makes it a lot safer. Can you imagine how reassuring this would feel for a kid who's always felt left out? That he's smart and mature and he's going to be okay. Here's another one. Well, of course you prefer hanging out with younger kids.

13:47They look up to you and they respect you. And that's a great gift because there are a lot of good, satisfying jobs that draw on that passion. You can be a teacher, an occupational therapist, you can own a martial arts studio, you can help kids in lots of ways. And the same with animals. Oh man, you know what I've noticed? You walk into that veterinarian's office and those animals calm down in your presence. You could be a veterinarian or you could volunteer with rescue animals. Number three, if you were like your kids, it would be reassuring for them to hear you say something like this. Because I had these talks with Casey.

14:22Look, I have to go to these corporate get togethers after work and have small talk. and I hate those things. I struggle walking into big groups. So here's what I do. I go into one of those events and I pick off one person. You know why? Because I'm really good talking one-on-one with people. But in a group, I feel awkward. I kind of get lost and feel left out. But when I pick off one person that I have a common interest with, oh man, I really enjoy that conversation. So now you've just normalized that not everybody is supposed to be good at walking into a group and having these amazing conversations.

14:58And I taught Casey this. Like I used to, you know what I used to do? I would go to an after work event, which I hated. And I would make sure I would show my face so my boss would see me there. I would ask a couple questions in the group. Then I'd remove myself, go to the bathroom and sneak out. I showed up, made my presence known, but then I left. Now, what about kids who dominate conversations? So we were climbing a local mountain today and we got a text from our daughter-in-law. Kirk, do you mind if I take a couple Cure hydrating packets? And I was like, I got that entire variety pack for you.

15:36She was so happy. She loves the Cure kids flavors and today went on a 50-mile bike ride. She said Cure is light and refreshing and tastes great without the artificial aftertaste. Plus with my Cure packets, I don't have to stop for gas station electrolyte drinks. Cure is awesome because it's just coconut water, pink Himalayan sea salt, and a burst of real fruit. No added sugars or bad stuff. Just clean, light, great-tasting hydration. I think your kids will love the Cure flavors, and you'll feel good giving them something healthy. More exciting news, you can now get Cure Hydration at your local Target, or get 20 % off at CureHydration.com with code CALM.

16:21That's curehydration.com, code calm. I bet your family is like ours. During summer, life gets so busy we don't always have time to grocery shop or cook. Thanks to Hungry Root, we shop on our own schedule and make healthy home-cooked meals in less than 10 minutes. Hungry Root eliminates the indecision, those last-minute runs to the store, or settling for expensive carryout, and replaces that with healthy, delicious meals that even your picky kids will love, and they'll even make it on their own. Tonight, we devoured the General Tso's chicken with green beans. Delicious meal, eight minutes of prep time, no waste, simple cleanup, more time to spend outside.

17:03You're going to love Hungry Root as much as we do. For a limited time, get 40 % off your first order. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. Go to HungryRoot.com and use code CALM. That's HungryRoot.com slash calm, code calm, to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. Okay, I'm a little embarrassed to admit this, but I bet you've fallen into this trap. We've had the same knives for decades, and they aren't sharp. So every single day when I'm cutting up a salad, pineapple, or chicken, it's frustrating. So I finally, finally went to Wayfair.com. I read the reviews.

17:46I ordered two very sharp everyday knives for less than$20. I know it sounds dumb, but those knives are providing so much joy on a daily basis. They slice through everything. And now I kick myself for not doing this years ago. Don't live with kitchen or home regrets. What do you need to upgrade in your home? I bet you can do it for way less than you think at Wayfair. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home and get your space ready for less. That's W-A-Y-F-A-R.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Number four, show your kids exactly how to forge good friendships. Instead of just saying, hey, you guys run along and play in your room, which really means, hey, go dominate and boss your potential friend around, do this instead.

18:40Hey, you know what, guys? I could really use your help. I was going to bake some cookies for the seniors at the retirement center. Could you come and help me out? I used to do this with Casey and his friend Aaron. They'd help me with special projects in the basement or garage. See, now you can model how to have healthy two-way conversations. And this is the formula that we taught all the kids who came to our camp. One, you always ask questions of other people. It gets the focus off of you and people like talking about themselves. It makes them feel important. As I ask questions, I listen and find common interests that we might have because that's how friendships are formed.

19:19But you and I do that because our kids are on the same team or in the same class or you meet at an exercise class or group event. So while you're baking cookies, you can begin asking questions of your child's friend, modeling how to do that for your child so he gets to hear it. You compliment your child's friend. Oh, that's really cool that you're doing that. Hey, where did you guys go on vacation? Oh man, we went to the same place. We had a great time there. And so you find common interests and you're kind of showing your kids that pattern of how you have a conversation. Number five, quick one.

19:55When your kids are younger, Just host short playdates in your home. Keep it short, get a success, and then build on it. Number six, parents often ask, hey, should I enroll my child in a social skills group? Look, I don't have a firm opinion on this. There are some really good ones and some that just aren't good. I would ask around with friends. My hesitation is that once again, your child feels like he or she is just being fixed, that there's something wrong with them. And the truth is, your kids may never be really great at this, and that's okay. So just be careful. Watch trying to fix everything that we think is wrong with our kids.

20:38I'd rather you play to their strengths. And, by the way, use all these other tools and just teach them. Number seven, over the summer, see if you can find a friend who will be attending the same school as your child next year. then arrange for them to walk or be driven to school together. So if that means a couple days a week you go out of your way and pick up their friend at their house and take them to school together or the friend does that for you, it's really helpful for your kids to walk into school next to someone else they know. In the school setting, if your child is just alone all the time, one is a target.

21:18At least if your child's at the locker and walking through the hallway, sitting in the cafeteria with one other kid, it just helps. If you have a child struggling with the idea of going to summer camp because of anxiety, listen to the recent episode from early June. It was called Three Ways to Get Your Anxious Child to Camp, New Activity School, and a New Home. I think you'll find that helpful. Number eight, people watch. We did this with kids all the time. Observe people. Get a snack. Go to a park. Go to a playground. Go to a mall food court. It doesn't matter. I used to do this with Casey on business trips, like in a hotel lobby.

21:58We would just observe people. And your kids tend to be pretty good at pattern recognition. So we would just talk about it. Hey, what do you think is happening with those two people? Hey, why do you think they're arguing? Or did you notice anything different? Well, that guy's kind of a close talker. He's up in the other person's space. Well, how do you think that makes the other person feel? Do you think you ever do that? because some of your kids are close talkers or they talk too loud and they dominate. So it's good for them to observe and watch because that can be a very powerful learning tool for them.

22:32Number nine, one of my favorite tools for your kids is scripting out conversations for them. I was voted shyest boy in my high school class. I liked this girl, but I wasn't smooth with the ladies. Not a shocker, but I knew I would see her for like 90 seconds. in between fourth and fifth period, outside as we were changing classes. So the night before, I would script something to say to hopefully not embarrass myself. So you could get, I don't know if it worked, so you could get a whiteboard and script conversations for your child such as this. Okay, on Monday, oh, here's an easy one. you ask the other kids or another kid what they did over the weekend and tell them something interesting that you did that they might be interested in.

23:25On Tuesday, ask them about their favorite video game. Wednesday, their favorite movie. Thursday, their favorite sports team or animal or pet. And then Friday's easy again because you just ask them like, hey, what are your weekend plants. That's scripting for your kids, diagramming out social interactions. And as odd as it sounds, your kids like routine and having a structure in place, and that can help with conversations. Just kind of play with that a little bit. Number 10, role-playing, really, really helpful. You could actually role-play a couple typical conversations, your child, and even with middle school and teenagers.

24:08And I know it may be awkward, so you don't have to do it, but role-playing is just practicing behavior. And you could always say like, look, this was really hard. Like in middle school, high school, you're going to be awkward. So why don't we just practice that? Number 11, teach your kids to observe and comment on the obvious. So I was at the gym today and a guy had a cast on his leg. Well, that's an easy one. Out here, it's usually a skiing or mountain biking accident. So here's the question. Hey, how long is your physical therapy going to take? And so now I get to have a conversation. That's why like old guys, we talk about the weather and sports.

24:48Part of the reason I still occasionally wear that Yankees hat that you'll see on the Instagram videos is that it gets so much derision, right, from people. It's a conversation starter on hikes. Everybody has an opinion on the Yankees. And so it makes it very easy to strike up conversations out on the trails. So teach your kids to observe classmates. What logo or sports team or movie character or entertainers are on their backpack, on their sweatshirt? See, that's an easy conversation starter. Number 12. The most important social skills tool is just confidence. a confident kid and a confident grown-up who feels good about himself or herself will relate more easily and naturally with others they won't have to control others they won't have to one-up them right how many of you have those kids that are one-uppers at camp we used to call them seven-uppers right like what if i have 40 yugioh cards oh yeah i have 7 000 right it's just insecurity and so if you feel confident about yourself, you tend to be more gracious and flexible and you focus on other people.

26:00So keep building your child's confidence. I've been through that in recent podcasts a lot. I want your kids using their natural gifts and passions. If they can, being mentored by encouraging adults because they don't want to hear nice things from you. But if another adult says, man, you are really good at this. Hey, I could use your help with that. That builds their confidence. Remember, confidence comes from competence, being good at something. And so they'll feel positive about themselves. I also want them and you to understand how their brains work so you can work with their nature. Mom just shared this.

26:36I let my 10-year-old listen to the ADHD university program, that's in the bundle, about how his brain works and why he relates differently to other kids. He told me one night at bedtime, Mom, it helps me know there's nothing wrong with me, and now I have a plan. See, I'd love that our kids can recognize and know I'm just different in this way, and that's good. I can work with my nature if I understand it. I don't have to be someone else. So by all means, let your kids listen to this podcast episode. Have conversations about it. Open up about where you struggle and let them open up and say, yeah, that's hard.

27:19So there's nothing wrong with me. And you're like, no, so many people struggle with this and they'll feel understood. It's like with the downloadable programs on the app, use it as a teaching and learning opportunity for your whole family. So check out the Christmas in July sale at celebrate calm.com. If you need additional help or financial help, just email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at celebratecom.com. Okay. Love you all. I will see you on Instagram and Facebook. Appreciate you working so hard at this. Get the best quality paints from Dutch Boy for all your projects at Minari's. Max Pond Plus exterior paint and primer in one is designed to stand strong against extreme weather.

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