Son Blurts Out, Dad Feels Left Out, Mom Feels Caught in the Middle #523

0:00Kirk Martin:You know our kids work best when they have some flexibility and get positive feedback. That's one reason I like using iXL. Whether you're homeschooling or just filling in some academic gaps with your kids, no matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, iXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way they learn best while meeting them at their level.

0:25Casey Martin:On iXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level, and they're not forced into a single learning path. Our kids thrive on positive feedback and IXL consistently reinforces success. Plus, IXL gives you as the parent feedback on their progress so you know where to focus your efforts. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So your kids are going to trigger you. Consequences will rarely work.

1:11Casey Martin:Some dads are going to feel left out of the parenting process because they roughhouse or use a tougher approach with the kids. some moms are forced to try to change their child's behavior because their husband can't control his and that causes lots of issues in the home on top of that you may have a child who does struggle with behavior in the classroom so how could you manage all of this without losing your mind that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the calm parenting podcast so Welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. And you can find us and our fall sale at CelebrateCalm.com.

1:49Casey Martin:And I'm super excited about this podcast because at the end, I'm going to share a strategy that I've never shared before on a podcast.

1:58Kirk Martin:So here's the thing. Marriage and parenting will likely be the two most challenging jobs you'll ever have in life. Why? because we come face to face with our own immaturity our own flaws and brokenness in

2:13Casey Martin:different areas right because you never knew you could be this impatient because we all swore like i will never yell at my kids and then it's like three days later and we're doing that we didn't know we could get this easily triggered and frustrated and we're also dealing with a lot of trauma or hurts from childhood or bad modeling look all i knew is what i saw my dad do so i repeated that pattern of using fear and intimidation until i learned how to control myself and you'll likely feel helpless and at your wits end with a strong-willed child because

2:50Kirk Martin:because the normal parenting strategies backfire with these kids you're gonna wonder like what the What do we do with these kids? And I don't want you to feel bad if you and your spouse find yourself at odds over your parenting style or philosophy.

3:06Casey Martin:Because most couples never discuss this before getting married. Because if you did, you probably wouldn't get married. So what happens? Sometimes a parent will double down on harsh consequences. I did that. other parents feel guilty and they second guess themselves and they swing too far the other way

3:26Kirk Martin:being too sweet and getting walked all over and now you and your spouse are far apart but instead of growing apart i want to encourage you to grow up see this as an adventure you get to become a new person and that's important because you have to live with yourself the rest of your life and now you get to use this to your advantage and say oh i've got some stuff to work on there's no blame and guilt in this progress not perfection so let's go through this i want to go through some common

4:01Casey Martin:scenarios that sabotage your family then give you a really cool idea that i think will really help change behavior quickly in your home so the first thing i want to address is this sometimes dads feel shut out of the parenting process and we don't want that because a lot of times men we rough house with our kids and that can make moms anxious or nervous look if you if i if you think about this if a parent is throwing their child up in the air chances are it's a dad as a dad i played rougher with our son when he was young i'm not talking about hitting abuse yelling at or constantly criticizing a child or doing anything out of anger.

4:43Casey Martin:It was simple roughhousing while we were playing

4:46Kirk Martin:and it's a very common way for men to connect with their kids and if you look up the research this is absolutely essential for a child's healthy brain development plus it meets important sensory pressure needs. Dads are often the ones who encourage their kids to take more risks and within the right parameters. That's extremely important for our kids.

5:12Casey Martin:I was also tougher on our son in many situations. If he was sick, I would be the one who was like, hey, I get that you're not feeling well, but I expect you to work today and I know you can overcome this adversity.

5:24Kirk Martin:And my wife would be more likely to say, oh honey, just get your rest. And each response was perfectly appropriate at the time. Neither of us was right or wrong. Just be aware that men can use

5:38Casey Martin:that same even matter-of-fact tone and tougher approach with kids that we use at work to great

5:44Kirk Martin:effect. But if our kids, if we use that kind of, if we're told that we can only use that really sweet tone, then husbands often check out and we don't want that. Sometimes a wife will interrupt or interfere and say, oh, honey, don't play so rough with our child or you're being too tough on him. And then the dad, the husband will kind of shut down and feel left out of the parenting process.

6:10Casey Martin:Like nothing he does is ever right. And again, I'm not talking about a man who's being abusive or is being actually being too rough. It's just that sometimes we do things differently than our wives do it.

6:24Kirk Martin:And this is very common and sometimes it's opposite, right? But be aware of this because I want dads to be involved. So have an honest conversation about this in your home.

6:36Casey Martin:Again, I'm not talking about hitting abuse, relentless criticism, or demeaning a child. I'm talking about having a more stern tone or physically roughhousing. And being stern is not being mean. So a mature way to handle this would be to say, Hey honey, I've realized after listening to this guy's podcast that I'm too reactive.

6:56Kirk Martin:Or that I yell too much. That I lecture too much. Maybe I let the kids get away with too much. I'm too permissive. That I don't hold boundaries. Can you help me make some small changes? See, if you both can help each other with your own issues, that will change your family very, very quickly. There's no pointing fingers.

7:19Casey Martin:There's no like denial, like I don't have anger issues. Well, that just shows that you probably do. And denial issues. but we don't want an innocent kid or innocent children being hurt and your marriage essentially doomed so own your part ask for help to grow in whatever area that is now the second dynamic is a

7:40Kirk Martin:really common one in which we try to fix the kid because the parent won't or can't change and i've

7:48Casey Martin:received thousands of emails over the years from moms the first six paragraphs deal detail the child's behavior issues big emotions and meltdowns and then the last sentence is almost an aside by the way my husband has anger issues and i'm like oh well i didn't need to read the first six paragraphs just the last one because if a mom or dad has anger issues and can't control themselves the strong-willed child will likely have emotional outbursts and sometimes the roles are reversed

8:16Kirk Martin:but this is most common so here's what's really happening a mom has most likely asked her husband to change repeatedly even dozens of times to work on his anger or reactive issues please stop yelling at the kids stop being so critical please deal with your anger issues but the husband often denies or dismisses her so then what she is desperately asking me think about this she's asking a stranger hey can you help me get my child to calm down and behave so that my husband doesn't get upset and yell see how that works i want you to help my help me change my child precisely because my husband won't so that I don't have to be caught in between managing everyone's emotions and being the referee and I want to respond look you need to talk to your husband instead of trying to fix your child but that's easy to say sitting in the comfort of my home because what I'm asking a woman

9:25Casey Martin:to do often is this hey you know that guy who's most likely bigger and stronger and more aggressive than you the guy with the anger issues who gets triggered and melts down easily yeah go tell him he needs to grow up and work on his anger issues and that could be scary depending on the situation it can be terrifying and it could be a vulnerable lonely place to be so i try to help with the child

9:48Kirk Martin:but it's not right to ask the child to change when the parent won't and put a wife in that position and I've done that before. So there's no, this is not a guilt or blame thing. It's not like all men are like this. No, I struggled with that too.

10:04Casey Martin:So the honest reaction if you're a man listening and you're in that position is to humble yourself and say, yeah, I do struggle with that. And I understand why because most of us had dads who weren't that awesome at modeling this for us. So again, just own that. And I like using analogies with men. When I talk to men, I usually joke and I'm like, Like, hey, if you get our Calm Parenting Bundle, I'm going to ask your wife to listen to all 17 programs. I just want you to start with one. Just listen to the straight talk for dads because it's just a guy. It's just me talking to you like guys like concise, direct, actionable.

10:40Casey Martin:And I always make this analogy. In every sphere of life, men respect other men who stay cool and calm under pressure. Look, we want to follow that quarterback who in the fourth quarter when their team is losing, doesn't freak out and start yelling at his team. He just walks into the huddle, takes a knee and says, guys, we're down by two touchdowns. We're going to march down the field, execute our play, score, get the ball back and score again. And then the team follows him because he's in complete control of himself. And we're the same way with our platoon captain, an ER doctor, a business leader.

11:14Casey Martin:When they stay cool, when everything is falling apart,

11:18Kirk Martin:that's who we like to follow. So for the next week, be the quarterback inside your home instead of the reactive dad.

11:26Casey Martin:And I often say like this weekend, right? If your husband's watching a football game, say, hey, can we try that quarterback thing? Staying calm under pressure. And I did record an episode in May for the wives out there. 10 ways to get your husband on board. So look that up. And I'm also every month I'm doing two special quick tips for dad's episodes. They're only like seven to nine minutes long, so I can help mentor men. So ask your husband to listen to those.

11:54Kirk Martin:Okay, what else can you do together so that we can make these changes stick?

11:59Casey Martin:You know your child better than anyone. So when something shifts, like they're suddenly anxious around meals, cutting out foods, losing weight, or their personality just feels different, something more serious may be going on. When eating disorders show up, they can completely hijack a child's brain. That moodiness, withdrawal, combative behavior isn't them, it's the illness. The good news is the earlier you get support, the easier recovery is. And that's why I want to reintroduce you to Equip. Equip is a fully virtual eating disorder treatment program that brings best-in-class, evidence-based care right to your home.

12:35Casey Martin:Every family gets an entire team, a therapist, dietician, medical provider, and mentors who've been through this themselves. They're experts in treating all eating disorders, even lesser known ones like ARFID. There's no wait list. It's covered by most insurance plans. And you can talk to an expert right away to get answers. So if something in your gut is telling you to look deeper, listen to it. Visit equip.health.com to get a free consultation with Equip.

13:03Kirk Martin:That's equip.health.com. I would keep things simple.

13:10Casey Martin:Maybe you agree on a couple goals for the week. One parent has to practice, okay, I've got to practice holding boundaries, being a little tougher, not being moved by kids' emotions. Remember that your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not change my behavior. Saying no and sticking to it. Not feeling guilty for expecting more from your kids. And that's hard for some of you because you're breaking old patterns. or you had this childhood where everything was tough on you and you feel bad like you're being too tough on your kids. But I guarantee you listen to a parenting podcast.

13:45Casey Martin:You're not. Practice holding those boundaries. Now your spouse for the next week practices not reacting, not getting upset when the kids misbehave. So instead, that spouse sits, uses an even matter-of-fact tone and problem solves like they do at work. An easy goal for both of you is this week, Simply affirm your kids for what they're already doing well. Short and sweet. Make it specific. Hey, I appreciate you helping me clean up. You know what? I noticed how you handled that with your sister. Shows me you're growing up. Hey, I noticed you lost at that board game earlier. I heard you start to complain, but then you caught yourself and said, good game to your brother.

14:22Casey Martin:Proud of you for that.

14:24Kirk Martin:So work on your issues together so you can grow up instead of growing apart. have that talk with your spouse and just be honest and say you know what i we we never talked about this before we were married we come we have two different childhoods different ways of looking at things and we're kind of pulling apart and i know that's not your intention so can we agree on a

14:48Casey Martin:couple things just have that honest talk now i want to get to this really cool idea uh that i've never shared before but i also want to fit this in because blurting out is common with our kids