Stop the Stand-Offs: Real-Life Fixes for Your 5, 10, or 15-Year-Old #616

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2:54How did I get into this spot? What if you have an older child, like 10 years old, and you're just frustrated because you're like, why do you have to do things the hard way? Why can't you just do things in a regular, normal way? And we wouldn't have to go through all these consequences and tears and difficult things. or maybe you have a teenager and you've really struggled to connect with this child and it's always been a challenge and now you're getting to that spot where it's like I only have a few more years with this child and I don't want them starting to get into weed and vaping and pursuing all kinds of other things.

3:35What do you do in those situations? I want to give you some ideas from everyday parents like you that I believe you'll be able to apply to your own situations with kids of all age groups because I think it's going to be very helpful. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. Part of the reason I'm doing this is because we've gotten so many testimonials this week from people who took advantage of the Christmas in July sale, and they downloaded all 17 programs.

4:08They started working through them. They're like, hey, I, you know, I listened to the podcast, but man, this takes it to a next level because I'm putting everything together and I've got all these different options to approach situations. So I wanted to share with you what other parents like you are doing. So let's start with, we'll go in order of age. So this was a five-year-old daughter. The dad's like, we're caught in a power struggle at bedtime. and many of you struggle with that and she's like i'm not tired i'm not going to bed and then you find yourself you know what if you don't go to bed you're going to miss out on your play date tomorrow you're going to miss out right because that's what we do we go right to consequences taking away things and then our daughter's getting more upset and at some point she realizes oh i've already lost everything so i may as well just go for it right now and then you start to realize And this is what the parents said.

5:03It started to hit me. I was caught in this loop and I was expecting the five year old to calm down, to stand down. Right. That would be my language is the son of a former career military dad. Right. Stand down, young lady. And the parents were like, we're expecting her to change. But we've been listening to your programs and it's getting internalized. I control myself first, not my daughter. They said, I'm learning to slow my world down so that I can see situations more clearly. And one of the parents said, I never really understood your thing like with calm. And this is what I want you to know as parents is it's not an end in itself.

5:49It's not like my goal is to be calm. The reason I want to be calm is because it helps me not escalate situations. It helps me slow down my world inside so I don't say things that hurt other people and hurt relationships that I end up regretting, whether that's with a spouse or your kids or friends and neighbors. It helps me slow my world down so I can see what's really going on so that I can actually help my child, not just discipline them and send them to their room. And then the dad in this situation said, I remember because everywhere in your programs, you talk about giving kids a mission. And I realized I was getting sucked into this fight by a five-year-old.

6:34So I just blurted out, oh, you know what, after you go to bed, I need to take a shower. Could you go and pick out a towel for me and what I should wear to bed? And he said, his daughter's eyes lit up, and she ran into his closet and she's looking. She's like, I'm going to pick out the best towel for you. And they went and they sat down and he was able to say, oh, you did a good job. And they had a little conversation. Why did you pick those clothes? Well, daddy, these are the really soft, soft clothes. And I like soft clothes to sleep in. And I think you'll sleep better that way. And so they start having this discussion.

7:13He's able to thank her and say, hey, that was a really good job. And this is really cool. a little kid said why doesn't everybody know to give kids a mission when they're upset i think i'm going to suggest this to my teacher to help other kids in my class is that not an amazing thing and that's one of the things i really want to stress is all this thing about parenting it's not just like, well, we need to get kids to behave. No, I want to teach kids and us, all of us, how do our brains work? How do we work best? How do we navigate life and relationships and conflict in healthy ways? How do we handle the inevitable frustration and disappointment in life?

8:02And here we have, just think what just happened here in this situation. This normally would have gone down the route of mom, dad, five-year-old fighting and yelling. There would have been tears. You wouldn't have gotten this child to bed for like an extra two hours. That's the way it works. And then you feel guilty about it. She's tired in the morning and nothing really got solved. But in this case, by controlling yourself, giving the child a mission and reframing this, now we just taught our life skill about giving missions or about having a mission. We use this every day. Casey and I use this on our trip.

8:40We give ourselves missions when we're anxious. It is really helpful. So mom and dad who wrote in about that, thank you for that. Awesome job. You're going to have probably 85, 100 more situations, not this year, or maybe, but over the next few years, you're going to have dozens of situations like this through all the ages when your kids dig in and you dig in and now you're finding a template and i will tell you as you go through the programs if you get the christmas and july sale thing uh special as you go through them you begin to internalize it gets much easier to now say oh yeah i control myself oh i give a mission okay 10-year-old son and I think many of you are going to be able to relate to this because this is really common as well.

9:36Mom had said I realized that my reactions and my attitude toward my son and look it's not always your words our kids pick up on those slight things the shaking of the head the disappointment that they constantly kind of feel from us and she said my reactions were hurting him and kind of creating a stigma. And she said, I had these thoughts, and I know a lot of you struggle with this because I did. You know what? If you only didn't push the limits, if you wouldn't resist doing simple things for us, if you wouldn't insist on doing it your own way, on touching the hot stove, if you wouldn't insist on always climbing every tree, right?

10:19We get into that if then. And what it basically comes is if you just weren't yourself, if you were just someone else who were easier for me, because that's what a lot of it is. And you know, I don't do blame or guilt or judgment in this. We just have to realize that's our own issue. And the mom had said, I'm going through the 30 days to calm program. And if you get our programs, that's the I want you to go through first. It is the exact process I went through to go from being reactive, angry, intense dad to being the calm guy. And I put it together in one program so you don't have to spend$3 ,000 on therapy.

11:00And you can just get this done at home, working on your own through the workbook and the steps. And she said, I realized that is my own parental anxiety, looking out into the future because I know he's going to touch the hot stove some. It is my own control issues. I want things done a certain way. And if my son would just do things the way I wanted him to do it, then it would be so much easier. But what the mom realized is I can fix this. See, if success in our home is dependent on changing the behavior and the very nature of a 10 year old or five year old or 15 year old, well, that's never going to happen.

11:39But if success in our home is dependent on me learning to control my own anxiety and control issues, well, now I've got a real shot at transforming our home. And so the mom said, I realized that my child just triggered my reactions. And I'm actually, in some ways, hurting myself. I'm judging myself again. This is really interesting. And so I'll ask you this question. How many times do you see yourself in this pattern where you are disciplining or getting on your child and you can trace it back to your childhood? Because maybe that's how you were treated. It's a really fascinating process. So here's what this mom ended up doing.

12:33So this is our second summer out here and what we have missed most is having friends over for dinner It's such a pain to go to those big box stores and carry home huge items So we went to Wayfair.com We picked out deck furniture, a grill, fire pit, and yard games Boom, easy, fast free shipping Last night was kind of magical and it was simple We had friends over for a dinner outside With the fire pit going, kids playing cornhole Just good conversation and laughs We like Wayfair because it's one-stop shopping for everything we need inside and outside our home with prices that fit our budget. So now after a long day or on weekend mornings, we have an outdoor gathering space.

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13:36So mom emailed and said, I have two picky eaters at home. One is eight and the other is 38. With Hungry Root, I can order meals tailored to the needs of our family without going down 14 different aisles. And Hungry Root now knows our preferences, so they recommend meals I wouldn't have even thought of. My picky son now prepares red sauce tortellini with Italian sausage by himself three times per week. Everyone is happy. We're not eating out as much. We're not stressed at mealtime. And my son is trying new things because he feels in control. You're going to love Hungry Root as much as we do. For a limited time, get 40 % off your first order.

14:20Plus, get a free item in every box for life. Go to HungryRoot.com and use code CALM. That's HungryRoot.com slash calm, code calm, to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. You're going to love Hungry Root. She said, I began working through that section on childhood trauma and breaking those patterns. Because for many of us, you've heard me talk about my patterns from childhood and being able to release myself from those. to say, hey, when I was a little boy, it served me well to hide because that kept me safe. I hid. I didn't speak up for myself, and that kept me from getting hit by my dad.

15:06But later on in life, that began to sabotage my relationships because then I didn't know how to speak up for myself. I didn't know how to handle conflict. So it's not about making excuses. it's about just realizing we have these patterns in us from childhood. And it doesn't have to be some, I don't want to minimize it or make too much of it. It's a normal thing. I normalize all of these things. We all had those. I've talked about those of you who had a chaotic home, well, you probably learned how to create order in your home and you became extra responsible, or you learned that the best way for you to get your parents' love and affection was to do really well at everything and just listen.

15:54So you became the good boy or girl and you were very, very conscientious. Well, a lot of nurses grow up from those backgrounds. And see, it served you well because you learned, hey, I have this fundamental internal need to be accepted and loved by my parents and I figured out a way to do that. That was really smart of you. And so you can talk to yourself in that way and say, hey, when I was a kid, I was brilliant. That was smart of me. That was a good thing to do. That served me well. But now what I find is I'm overly conscientious. I can never relax. I'm always pleasing everyone. And I don't do anything for myself.

16:34So you see that pattern in yourself. Social workers, people in the giving kind of field often do that and becomes very unhealthy. So you can recognize the pattern and then begin to break it. And the big breakthrough for this mom was saying, I realized that in some ways by punishing my son, I was punishing myself. I was keeping that pattern going that I learned as a kid, which is whenever I stepped out and did something differently, I got punished or I got shut down. And she said, now I am reparenting myself and my child. So in the course of seeing my child differently and learning to like who he is, I'm learning to like who I am and reparent myself.

17:29I'm parenting my son the way I wanted and needed to be parented. That is a beautiful and freeing thing. So moms and dads who are working on that so hard, like, well done. You are going to change generations of your family. Okay, third one is 15-year-old. So you've got a teenager and you've struggled with this child because I don't know the right way to say this. I hope you trust me enough of my intentions, But most of the stuff that even a lot of therapists suggest for strong-willed kids backfires, it doesn't work. And in schools, we treat these kids as if they are behavior problems. And so they begin to internalize, I'm a bad kid.

18:21I'm the black sheep of the family. I'm the one who's always in trouble. And we get so focused on, you've got to do bone school. School and behavior. School and behavior. School and behavior. That's what your childhood is. And the strong-willed child's going to be like 0 for 2 on those. And they begin to internalize, well, I don't really have a vision for my life. Everybody seems to be kind of against me, so I'm going to develop this hard shell around me. And so it makes it hard to connect with these kids. And if you get that way, and there's no blame or guilt by the teenage years, you're going to get anger and defiance coming out.

18:52And so the mom had written and said, my husband had always dug in because he was like the former you. and like your dad of like, well, this kid just needs to change and shape up. And so she got, they got the Christmas in July sale thing. And this is what I always tell moms with husbands like this. Just have them listen to the dad's program. Just that one at first. You listen to all 16, 17 of them, just husband, you only have to listen to one. And she heard this conversation. She heard her husband finally going to their teenager and saying, I've been a jerk to you sometimes, haven't I? I think I've always assumed the worst about your intentions and I want to apologize to you.

19:39And she was like, my husband just said those words to our child. Now I know it doesn't change everything immediately. It's not like kumbaya and they're holding hands now, which would be weird anyway, but they're not doing that. But she said what the dad was doing was, because a lot of dads will hear me and can kind of relate to that is, well, just treat your kids sometimes like you're treating colleagues at work. You just talk to them honestly. Hey, I've been a jerk. I've assumed the worst. And that's not working here. And I want to apologize for that. So, and the dad also said, I had a note here and forgive me for fumbling on this, but I wanted to get this right.

20:23The dad told their son, I've tried to get you to be like me, when in reality, what we really want is for you to be who you're supposed to be. And I was like, when she wrote that, I was like, now that is going to change the relationship. And so there's mutual respect coming. They're starting to rebuild this relationship. And one of the cool things that just happened is their teenager asked the dad to go to a concert with him. That's a big deal to take your dad along to a concert or your mom when you're a teenager. And she said that would have never happened before. They're starting to bond a little bit.

21:12And I would encourage you, If you have teenagers, the first thing I would listen to for you probably would be the No BS program because it's 25 action steps in which it's like we call it the No BS instruction manual for strong willed kids because everybody always says, oh, you didn't never get an instruction manual when you have these kids. And we're like, well, we'll put that together for you. And it's 25 action steps. And one of them is releasing your kids. And let me do this really quickly. Hey, son, daughter, I release you to be the person you're supposed to be, not the one I wanted you to be.

21:47I release you to be who you're supposed to be, not who your siblings are, not who other kids are. I release you to do things in a different way, to not be a mini me. That releasing part is a very powerful step. There's a step in there about learning to bond with your kids over things that irritate you. One of my favorite steps in that program is asking your kids to teach you something. Because think about how we do childhood. It's like when they're little, naturally, we're showing them teaching. Here's how you brush your teeth. Here's how you tie your shoes. Here's how you do math. And we do that for years and years.

22:32And when your kids get a little bit older, I like to ask them, hey, could you help me with this? Could you show me this with technology, how that works? I did that with Casey a lot. And what happens is kids feel a sense of mastery. There's confidence. They feel like they have something to give. Now, just know that when you do this with your Strongwell kids, they're probably going to choose things that irritate you. and that we can see that in all three of these situations from these parents the daughter the five-year-old is irritating why because she won't go to bed on time and you're exhausted and you're not asking it too much of her you're asking the normal thing which is your five you need to be in bed at a good time and the 10 year old is irritating because you know what i'm saying they're not really irritating they kind of are but it's really our own control issues and a 10 year old dads do everything a different way rather than just doing the normal way the way all the other kids do and the teenager is going to do the same thing but when you can control yourself and realize i'm so rigid at times i i need things to be done a certain way and you realize man the beautiful part about having strong-willed kids is they will liberate you to enjoy your life for the next 50 years.

23:53This isn't just about parenting. This is about you changing as a human being. I'm so ridiculously thankful for our strong-willed son because I am now a different human being than I was a few years ago. And I can enjoy all aspects of life. I can enjoy all relationships much better because I'm not so rigid and I have to have it my way and I'm not so, and the anxiety and all those things that you can work through. This is part of family transformation. So moms and dads, thank you for working so hard at this. I do encourage you, go through the programs. And when you get the programs and you download them onto the app, you can share them with your spouse.

24:37As we go back to school, share them, especially the ADHD University. There's a brain boosters program for teachers. We'll send those to your child's teachers. If you have questions about that, ask Casey. It's Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. If you never need help financially, just ask. We want you to have tools to change your family. So thanks for working so hard at this. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.