Tantrumy Toddlers, Temperamental Teens, Sassy Siblings, Trouble With Teachers & Friends, Adopted Kids? Help ASAP! #585

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2:51You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. There you will find an ad-free version of the podcast. Take advantage of the special 50 % off spring sale on our downloadable programs. And check out our PDA Parent Podcast as well. So let's roll with this Q &A. This is based on questions asked by parents on our Instagram page, where I am very, very active. So please join us there at Calm Parenting Podcast. Okay, 40 seconds in. Hey, we've got a four-year-old who's causing conflict, and I get questions like this almost daily. Like our three or four or five or six-year-old is causing conflict between me and my spouse.

3:28How can we get her to start listening and behaving? No, the four-year-old is not coming between you and your spouse. Your own immaturity is. You have unrealistic expectations that a toddler or little child is supposed to just do what you tell them so it's easier for you. Why are you allowing a little child with a few years of life experience to completely own you when you've been on the planet for 30 years? How's that for a start to a podcast? Look, there's no blame or guilt. Unless you don't change your attitude, then you should feel bad and you're going to continue to have fights. This is not about your child.

4:09It's all those generations of family dysfunction from each of your families that are so beautifully coming to the surface now. Shining a light on your impatience, your control issues, your inability to handle conflict or control your own emotions. Look, I'm not being tough on you. That's what got me to change. all of those things and more. And it's coming to the surface so you and your spouse can deal with them in a mature way and grow up. Otherwise, you will grow apart and family life will be a disaster. See, you're asking me the wrong question. Oh, how can we change the behavior of a 4 or 14-year-old when the correct question is, hey, how can my spouse and I grow up and learn how to handle conflict and parent differently?

5:01How can we learn to control ourselves when we get triggered by this tiny human or by that human that's towering over you that kind of smells right now as your teenager? That, that will change the entire situation and it will change it much more quickly than trying to change the behavior of a child. So I'm just going to encourage you, binge listen to past podcast episodes on controlling your own anxiety and control issues. There are dozens of them, and they're free. If you really want to change quickly and over the long term, go through the 30 Days to Calm program. It's the one that I did. It is my process I used to go from being like that really upset reactive dad to the calm dad.

5:48And there's 16 other downloadable programs. It's on sale now, celebratecalm.com. If you need help financially, ask for it. We love assertive people. Just email Casey and said, hey, I need to change myself, not my child, and he'll help you. Okay, moody teen tween daughter, right? I've got this daughter who struggles with some moods. How should I relate to that? I can tell she doesn't want to feel this way, but I'm not sure how to support her. So number one, I think one of the most powerful things parents can do is normalize this. Well, of course you have mood swings now, and there may not even be a reason for it.

6:23This is one of the hardest times of your entire life that you're going through. You're making this transition from being a kid to being an independent young woman. You are experiencing all of this for the very first time. New social situations, more challenging schoolwork, new hormones. It can feel confusing and some days you just may feel off. That's perfectly normal and to be expected. Now, obviously, you can watch for signs that it's something more serious like depression, but in most cases, it's just a normal part of the process, and it's incredibly reassuring to hear from someone who's been through it before.

7:05Oh yeah, this is how you should be feeling. Number two, I like invitations for strong-willed kids. Hey, if you want to talk about it, rather than just like, oh, let me jump in and lecture you or let me jump in and tell you how to handle this. They'll always reject that. So, hey, if you want to talk about it, just come get me. We'll go for a walk. We'll have a snack together. Feel free to come talk to me while I'm making dinner in a bit. That way, it's your child's choice and there's no pressure. You could have, which we had in our home, a code word that your child says that means, I really need to talk.

7:42And then you have a certain tradition. Maybe it's that you drink hot cocoa. You go for a drive after dark. That's it. Kids tend to open up more after dark. Whatever you enjoy doing together. Number three, if your daughter does want help, share with her what helps you. Exercise, fresh air, talking it through, venting, journaling, praying, meditating, doing something kind for someone else. By the way, don't miss that. In the teen and tween years, they become these years where everything is just focused on myself and how I fit in the world, what my friends are doing. And you know, if you've been around for a while, that if you really focus on yourself all the time, you can become miserable because you just magnify every single thing that's like not right in your own life.

8:29So sometimes getting your brain off of and your focus off of yourself and doing a service project or helping someone else says, oh, okay, my problems aren't the worst. It's not dismissive, but it also means, hey, I have something to give someone else. It just helps with perspective. It could be playing with a pet. That helps. You're not telling your child what to do. You're planting seeds and giving your child space to own it. Number four, I prefer just being present without being too intrusive. Sit with her. Listen. Be that reliable, trustworthy parent she draws strength from. There is a great power in just being that presence.

9:11And I'll tell you as a father of a 33-year-old son who's a grown man, there are times when I don't say anything. I listen. I reassure him. Or we just drive or hike together silently. Okay, how do you help a child who struggles with perfectionism? Oh, this is a good one. Many of you will have missed this because I covered this in an episode of the PDA Parent Podcast on perfectionism. So even if your child doesn't have PDA, you'll find the script I use really helpful. So go to celebrate calm calm slash PDA. And you'll find I believe it's episode number nine on PDA and perfectionism, because it's a it's a big deal.

9:50And I think you'll find that really helpful. Number three, little kids constantly fighting. So mom writes I have boys ages two and five and a half, they constantly fight that was in caps from morning to night, it wears me out to my bones. And by the end of every day, I just want to sob. I imagine myself as a very different mother than I am. And I just really would love any support or tips. Man, you can hear that, can't you? And so my response to the mom was, you should feel overwhelmed by two little kids this age. Seriously, you should feel exhausted. There should be little gunk and messes on floors and encounters, you'll likely say, no, stop, 72 times a day.

10:36And those little kids are going to squeal and pummel each other and cry and laugh. And you'll be ready for bed before they are. That's normal. You're not doing anything wrong, mom. You're a great mom. Here's what you can do to alleviate some of this. Simplify your life. I don't care what ages your kids are. If you have a strong-willed child. Simplify your life. They simply take longer right now. And I'd rather spend that time teaching them and showing them how to control themselves and handle sibling conflict than just reacting all the time. So look at your daily list of things that you have to do and cut it in half.

11:16One day you will be productive again. When your kids get older right now, your goal is simply to survive each day and when you have all these extra things on your list and plate you'll be stressed and then you'll push your kid guys come stop it stop it out can you hear that tone and your little ones will sense and feel that stress and they will resist it and I want you to let go of that notion well if you just did everything right and you were a better mom your kids wouldn't fight. That's complete, utter, you know what. It's just not true. Think intensity. Little kids need positive intensity. That's your main priority every day, to channel all that energy and intensity into more positive activities.

12:01That means getting their little brains focused on what they can do rather than saying no all day. Give them lots of missions and jobs to do. Not chores, but missions, challenges. Before work, I'd leave Casey an envelope with a special mission in it. Some challenges he could do to help me. Wear them out as much as possible. Meet those sensory needs because they're meeting those sensory needs by pounding on each other. And that's very normal. Have them push and pull and climb under and over things. Get them outside as much as possible. That way they get to make a mess outside rather than inside.

12:38Create an obstacle course. Play a lot. Giggle. Have fun with them. Even if you don't get other stuff done, play with them a lot. It's all exhausting, but doing this proactively is less exhausting. Look, ask for help. Moms are terrible at that because you feel guilty for it or think like, oh, I should be able to handle all these things myself. No, you shouldn't. You need help. So ask friends, aunts and uncles for help. I need help because I need to take a drink here. And I'm not editing that because I'm practicing imperfection. So sometime, lay on the floor, begin reading a book and giggling, and see if they'll come lie down next to you.

13:21Just be careful that they don't like jump on your back and head. These kids need tons of physical play and positive roughhousing with dad. Even having dad spend one-on-one time will give the boys a break from each other, and it gives you a break. And so this awesome mom replied back, and you just made me cry. All this felt like a big exhale. Yes, their dad is around, but he's out of town right now, which doubles the intensity. So my response is, well, have a plan when dad isn't around. That's more time outside, more physical sensory activity. Cut your list by 80 % and relax some of the expectations on yourself since you're doing this alone.

14:07Okay, child struggles with emotional regulation. I'm not doing that here. I've done tons of those. Episode 510 on big emotions. Episode 479 on massive meltdowns and shame. What about a child who has trouble making friends or getting along with a teacher or who has a hard time hearing no. Do you have sensitive little eaters at home? We always did. Juggling different food demands can be exhausting and time-consuming. That's one reason we love Hungry Root. They deliver healthy meals customized for your family's food preferences right to your door. Other services have way too many ingredients and complicated recipes.

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16:54I would just be honest and say, look, the normal response is to try to avoid it, to evade it, to not deal with it, to lie and manipulate to get out of class. I get that, but that takes a lot of energy and mental conniving and it never works. And here's what's really happening. You are giving power over your happiness, your thoughts, and your moods to another human that you don't even like. See, sometimes this can be really motivating to autonomous kids like ours. So the challenge I would give to my son is, look, the more grown-up option is to discover one thing you have in common with this teacher.

17:31Do you like the same music, a certain movie, certain athlete or sports team, video games, certain food, because it's much harder to have conflict when you connect over a shared interest. And if you want to go to the next level, you could be the extra mature one, since the teacher apparently isn't leading this as the adult, and just address this directly with the teacher. Hey, we don't always mix well together, but we have three months left together, or by now, maybe like two months left together. Can we agree to an emotional ceasefire and just find one thing we have in common just to get through the rest of the year?

18:08See, that's a perfectly great option to have. That's very mature. I would challenge your son to not let other people have power over him and his emotions and instead be the one who takes control of this situation. see our kids like that, and initiate a solution that doesn't involve just running away. And I was reminded of this because I just got an email from a mom who said, hey, my kids are constantly argue and get upset. I made them listen to the Stop Sibling Fights program so they could learn how to manage this on their own. By the way, I love that. It's like, hey, you guys are going to be siblings for like the next 10 or 12 or 14 years.

18:49So why don't you figure out how this is going to work? so my one son told me while driving to an appointment today with great seriousness mom I realized I have given been giving my brother complete power over me and how I feel why am I even doing that so I'm going to stop reacting to him from now on because I want to be in control of my own happiness and moods and I was like that is awesome like you get a kid understanding that principle from an early age and being able to say, hey, I refuse to give power over my reactions to another situation or another human. That's awesome. Okay, kind of related.

19:35Hey, my son's having a hard time making friends. He's afraid to ask kids to play. He's slow to warm up to others. He's shy and he's usually the one observing other people. Now, that's a great observation by you that your son is good at observing others. This is what many of us naturally shy people do. It's a way to gather intelligence, counter our own anxiety, and it fits with the idea of seeing patterns and how things work. So think about this. This is a child who can probably look at puzzle or Lego pieces and see how they fit together. And that's kind of how I'm going to approach teaching him social skills.

20:13About 90, I'd say 95 % of the 1 ,500 kids who came to our home for the camps back in the day struggled with social skills, especially with their peers. Always better with little kids, adults, and animals. So we spent a lot of time teaching them how to form friendships. So here are a few ideas. The easiest way to build a friendship is based on common interests. Think about your own friends. It's usually a common interest that you have. Oftentimes it's, well, our kids play for the same team or in the same grade. And that's hence the advice to the kid in the prior example to find a common interest with the teacher.

20:46So your little observer can use those amazing powers to notice what logos kids have on their hoodies, backpacks, and such. See, are they into Minecraft, soccer, a favorite music group? And then have your child listen for clues for how to connect based on a common interest or passion. Teach him to ask questions because people like when you take an interest in them versus dominating a conversation. And your son will naturally be a really good listener. So let him know it's okay and even preferable to have fewer friendships but deeper friendships. And I'd aim right now just get him one good friend to begin with.

21:32and I know this will sound odd but I would help script conversations with him and for him it's like role-playing so you can role-play how to initiate and how to carry on a conversation and I think I went through this in this podcast I'd encourage you to look it up it's um episode 501 12 um social skills ideas for kids who miss social skills become possessive they boss friends one of the ideas is to actually script for like okay Monday when you go into school okay you ask what they did over the weekend on Tuesday we're going to ask about a favorite video game on Wednesday and you go through the days and it becomes for people like me who struggle and have anxiety or who in the moment kind of freeze up and then I end up saying awkward things well now they kind of have a a formula like I know on Fridays what am I going to ask people hey any big plans for the weekend.

22:29So plan that stuff. And I'd also mention this. A lot of you have adopted kids and they'll become very possessive of friends and things. It's almost like they have an insatiable longing that can't be filled inside. So just as an aside, I did a couple special episodes last year on adoption, episodes 460 and 463. So check those out. Number six Next question, child withholds hugs and gets angry and calls his parents names. So our son's very sweet until you tell him no. That's like I get a lot like, my husband is really great until things are out of his control. Right? Like that's, of course, I'm amazing until someone says something I don't like.

23:21Look, even if it's a long established rule in our home, our son gets upset. He'll lash out and call us names at bedtime when we are giving out hugs and kisses to our kids. That's beautiful He will all of a sudden be a grump and say something like no hugs or kisses. You didn't take me to the store to get Cheetos Okay First I love his persistence. He is just an intense immature little guy and that's normal I think he's also very bright. He knows how to read you guys He's always looking for an angle to get what he wants and right now he's trying that whole withholding affection thing. It's like the toddler that says, I hate you, mommy.

23:58They're just going for the jugular to get what they want, which means you have a bright, intense, strategic child so we can use that to our advantage. I've written out an answer to this question last night, but then I got a good night's sleep. And so I'm going to tell you more bluntly what I do. You're going to naturally feel on the defensive with a child like this because they are persistent and relentless and they see no real downside to that because it usually works for them and there's no consequences that really work. So I'd rather be proactive and go on the offensive here. So this is a child who craves and needs intense missions and intense emotional engagement.

24:39Do not give in and buy him Cheetos and whatever he wants. Do not just hope that he'll listen to your many lectures and you pleading with him. He's not. Do not give consequences and get in endless power struggles with this child because that's what's been happening and will happen for 18 years if you don't change your approach. So spend some time proactively making a long list of adult type jobs and challenges and missions this child can do around the house and for neighbors because these are kids who are often thriving in the adult world and with others. So use that to your advantage. Brainstorm a list with your spouse and grandparents and friends.

25:23Do it proactively. When you wake this child up in the morning, wake him up to a yes. Find ways to get to yes with some intensity but within your boundaries. So let's say your child demands to be able to watch a certain video when they wake up. So my answer is, oh yeah, we can do that and I'll actually give you more than that with this challenge. If you can get dressed, eat, and brush your teeth before 7.07 a.m., we will have extra time to watch that video and one more. Now, I'm not guaranteeing this will work every time or at first. Child may whine and complain. Just stay first. Hey, I gave you a yes, but it's completely up to you, and I believe you're capable.

26:03Some kids may up the game and negotiate more. Hey, if I get ready by 7 a.m., can I watch three videos? I like getting to yes. I like putting boundaries on it. And I like getting that intense brain focused on completing a mission, dressed, eat, teeth, that leads to something that they care about. I also get to affirm them afterwards. Hey, nice job getting ready so quickly. And here's some other language you can use. Hey, I know that once X and Y are done, you doing Z is an option. See, that's a little bit more passive in a way, but it lets them know, hey, if these things get done, I bet this would be an option for us.

26:44At the same time, you can and should say no. Cheetos is not an option no matter how many times you ask. It's just a waste of your time. But here is what is an option. If you want to make our own snacks with fun ingredients, you can be the chef. And we can even give some to Mrs. Johnson down the street. We can sell some at a bake sale. We can take them into your teacher. your choice. But I really want Cheetos. Yeah, nice try. Not working. There were times when we used the opposites rule. Hey, every time you demand something from me, you get the exact opposite of what you wanted. It will be an extra day or week before we get that new hockey stick that you keep asking me about, Casey.

27:23So if you know that every day when your child gets home from school, they are going to demand something that you'll naturally say no to plan ahead. When they get home, there's an envelope waiting with a special secret mission, whether it's shoveling mulch for dad or doing a treasure hunt in the obstacle course. Focus more on what this intense child can do. Make these missions a challenge and fun. You're proactively creating successes. You're feeding that brain in positive ways, and then you give positive intensity when they complete their missions. I would look for more grown-up activities for them to complete because those are more internally satisfying than Cheetos and even video games.