The One Key to Stop 80% Of Power Struggles With Your Kids #552

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2:13Ever notice them when you try to rush them? Go on, got to go, get up, get up, get in the car, get in the car. They usually move more slowly. Have you noticed? The more you care about something, the more your kids resist. So here's a big insight before we even begin. Your kids are not rejecting you. They're not rejecting your authority. They are rejecting your anxiety. And we can stop 80 % of power struggles very quickly by understanding this. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our New Year's sale at CelebrateCalm.com.

2:51A quick funny email from a mom about the ad-free version of the podcast. She said, I used math on my husband and said we get free access without ads to over 500 episodes. So that's less than 10 cents per episode. He was like, good point. Good job, mom. So I believe 80 % of power struggles are caused by your own anxiety. And that's good news because that means we actually have control over 80 % of those situations by controlling ourselves first. So there are two parts to this anxiety in my experience. I personally struggle with my own anxiety of feeling like, hey, when is the other shoe going to drop even though things are going well?

3:36And it kind of lives in my stomach. It occasionally causes this general feeling in the background, kind of a being on high alert for something. It's not debilitating, but it is aggravating at times. I think some of this stems from my experience as a kid. We'll get more into childhood trauma on a future podcast. I don't use this as an excuse. It's just an explanation that makes sense. I was a really sensitive kid whose antenna was up wondering when my dad was going to, for lack of, is going to attack my mom, verbally or physically. When I'd hear my mom's screeches, because I can still hear those, and that was 50 years ago.

4:18The outbursts and anger from my dad came from nowhere. It was kind of out of the blue. So I think that's part of it. Plus, I just don't like unknowns and new experiences, so my first automatic response to being asked to do anything new is almost always no, just like your kids. So many of your kids exhibit that reflexive no. They're just buying a little time to process and consider their options. And so here's the other thing. If I'm anxious and on edge, it can cause me to be short, to snap at my family. It can cause me to look inward too much and not be present with those that I love. It can cause me to be controlling.

5:00Look, I know when I'm not feeling well physically, I get very particular about things. I want everything just so. I can become very picky. And I think that's because I get the sense that my body is kind of out of order, so to speak. So I try to create order outwardly, but it usually comes at the expense of relationships, and that's not what we want. So you've heard me say a million times, our primary goal is to control ourselves first. This is the key to everything. I know if I proactively work on alleviating my own anxiety, everyone around me benefits. So I normalize the anxiety instead of denying it or feeling guilty about it.

5:43It just is, and it's normal, so I deal with it. I set aside sometimes, just in the morning, two minutes to reflect, to go through my daily affirmations, because that grounds me. The daily affirmations just includes gratitude, a recognition that everything doesn't have to be solved now, that in the larger picture, everything's okay. I don't have to control people or things. My personal faith comes into play here to provide perspective and reassurance. Physical exercise and fresh air are incredibly important for me. Having a physical goal, pushing myself a bit can work off some of the ick. If you follow us on Instagram, and by the way, please do, I'm not on TikTok anymore.

6:30I just found it. We're talking about anxiety. This is perfect. When I go on TikTok, I feel it in my body. I feel a general sense of dread and I know some people feel that way about Instagram so you have to do what's true to you and we have a fair number of followers on TikTok but I've been debating this all through the fall and I was like no I'm just not going to do it anymore does that mean I'm giving up some business or influence there yes but I can tell you it has felt so good to not even think about it and again it's kind of that your body keeps the score and those of us who are a little bit sensitive, you can feel that.

7:09So if you're on TikTok, apologize for leaving you out in the dry there, but join us on Instagram. Even just follow us and that's it. We have a really nice supportive community there that I thought was never possible on social media. So if you do follow us on social media and Facebook, I'm there, but I don't comment there. I'm really on Instagram. why? My anxiety. I get overwhelmed easily. So I chose one of the three outlets in social media, and that's where I am. So you'll notice I hike a lot. It's the best therapy ever. So figure out what works for you. And don't worry about what everybody else says.

7:47Trust yourself. The anxiety that attacks almost every parent is our anxiety about your child's future. Every good parent on the planet gets anxious about whether their child is going to be successful. But your anxiety never ever helps or works. It actually causes the exact opposite response you want from your kids. When you begin the morning rushing your kids, they can hear it in your voice. They dive back under the sheets. When you're like, we said that, move to the, get to the car, they go more slowly because they know when you are in that anxious mode, nothing they do will please you. They're not rejecting your authority.

8:28They're rejecting your anxiety. Because your anxiety is screaming at them, you won't move quickly enough, and I'll get more and more frustrated, and we're going to be aggravated at each other for the next hour. When you lecture your kids constantly, it backfires. They ignore you. They discount what you say. The more words you use, the less valuable they become. When you get on your kids about every little thing, they don't thank you for being so conscientious. They fight you. When you react to them pushing your buttons, they are now in control of you. And the truth is, you and I create so many power struggles over issues that don't matter, all because of our own anxiety.

9:15Think about this. And there's no blame and guilt in this. I just want us to realize this so we can change. When you lecture your kids, it sends this message to your kids. Well, I don't really trust you to make a good decision, so I'm going to keep badgering you because you can't really do it on your own. And after all, what would I do if I didn't have to be responsible for you all the time? See, this isn't really about you, son or daughter. It's about me. You're also saying this. I don't really believe you can be successful on your own because I spend 95 % of my energy trying to fix what's wrong with you instead of spending that time cultivating your natural gifts and passions.

9:56Because of my anxiety over your future, I'm going to harp on you over and over again. So no, I don't trust that you have what it takes. And I'm more worried about my own legacy because if you don't turn out well then I will have been a failure and I can't live with that. Does that make sense? Again, I want that to hit you a little bit of like, oh yeah, that's the message that I'm kind of sending. And you're also saying, look, the problem isn't really yours, it's mine. I have this vision of how life was supposed to be. And I'll just say this is really hard when you have strong-willed kids because it's probably opposite of what you were dreaming about.

10:45It's so hard. So I have this vision of how life was supposed to be, and I feel compelled to make our family life go be just so, but I can't. And so I'm going to try to make all these little insignificant things just so because that will give me the illusion that things are actually okay. See, I want you to be free from that pressure and burden. I want your kids to be free from that pressure and burden. If you have a strong-willed child, they're likely not going to live up to your expectations. If you have a child with PDA, Pathological Demand Avoidance, which I hate that label, but I'm going to do some podcasts on that coming up.

11:29Look, these kids are going to resist even more. They're going to do the bare minimum to get by. They're going to appear selfish. They won't try their hardest. They'll fight you over everything and make even easy things hard. Your child may procrastinate, be impulsive, disorganized, and unmotivated. So your natural response is to project into the future and think, how is this child ever going to be successful? And you can begin to question yourself. What am I doing wrong that my child isn't listening and studying, going to bed on time, and being a good kid? I mean, we're giving this child every advantage.

12:02And this can start in preschool. You're going to get the inevitable notes sent home about your child is not able to sit still during circle time or follow directions. And your anxiety compels you. It compels you to project into the future. Well, if our daughter can't sit still in circle time and follow directions, how will she ever succeed in school? And can you feel that energy, that anxiety in there? Well, that's when you have to catch yourself and get some perspective. I used to joke at live events when we were training parents and teachers that judging a young child for not being able to sit during circle time is stupid.

12:40You never have to sit on the floor in a circle after you're like five. No one at the office today is going to say, hey, Sophia, Frank, remember three o 'clock in a conference room, circle time. Plus that stupid Chris Gross Applesauce thing is torture for some kids. and yet we allow our child's inability or unwillingness to participate in an arbitrary expectation to trigger our anxiety about their future. Just know what's going to happen all through their childhood. Your strong-willed elementary school child is going to make impulsive decisions and then lie to try to avoid punishment. It's not an integrity issue, but if your anxiety makes you think it is, you're going to offer up endless lectures about the importance of telling the truth and we're not able to trust you and it won't change a thing.

13:28Your middle school is most likely going to sit in the same hoodie for 18 straight days just grunt and play video games too much and you'll think he or she is being lazy and wonder who would possibly marry this child who is going to hire this child but it's a perfectly normal part of development. These kids are in a hibernation phase as they make the transition from being a little kid to a young adult. They've got all kinds of new hormones ranging in through their bodies and your anxiety will compel you to lecture and get on them about every single little thing they are not doing well and they'll shut down.

14:02And some of you have teens, very bright kids, who may do the bare minimum to get by or even self-sabotage. And if not checked, our parental anxiety can have devastating effects on our kids. It causes us to focus relentlessly on all your child's weaknesses and negative traits. We lecture. We micromanage. If you would just apply yourself, you're capable of so much more. I want you to try your hardest at everything. Recognize that's an unrealistic expectation that none of us keep. You don't try your hardest at everything. Only the things you care about. But we want our kids to try their hardest at things we care about.

14:42I promise that once you step back and give them space, they will step up. But not if you are micromanaging them. because this causes your child to shut down or resist even harder. What they know is they can never satisfy your parental anxiety. Nothing they do will ever please you. This focus on their negatives creates endless power struggles in a kid who is not confident, and it will destroy the relationship. Not to mention it won't motivate your kids. Okay, let's reverse this now. So here are five action steps you can take. Number one, okay, if I'm being completely honest, the entire key to this is honesty and humility.

15:25Acknowledge that this pattern is happening in your home, inside of you. Resist the urge to dismiss it. Blame it on your kids or revert to that old, well, when we were kids thinking. So admit it out loud to yourself. I struggle with parental anxiety and that's normal. My anxiety is hurting my relationship with my toddler, with my teen. My anxiety always leads to the complete opposite result that I want. See, those are honest statements that carry no guilt. They're no blame. There's no shame. I find it to be liberating. Ah, now I know why I keep lecturing and focusing on the negative and getting a bad response from my kids.

16:05It's actually because I care so much about their success, but my own anxiety is actually sabotaging their success. So see it as a positive. See, now that you've identified it, you can actually develop a plan to counter it. And I always tell dads, look, remember, you and I, we were once dopey kids who made foolish decisions because that's what kids do. Our kids aren't always great in the kid world, but they're often very conscientious and mature with other adults. And you're raising them to be good in the adult world. So perspective helps. Number two, if you do have our programs, go through the 30 Days to Calm program because that enables us to dive a lot deeper into the root of this.

16:48So we go through this. Why do, think about this, why do these traits irritate you or make you concerned about your child's future? Is it based on false assumptions or arbitrary rules in school that don't actually matter in the real world? Is it because you don't want your child making the same mistakes you did? That's very common and what drove a lot of my angst and pressure with Casey. I love my son. I didn't want him to get hurt by doing some of the things I did. So I'd clamp down on him more instead of teaching along the way. In a sense, I was robbing him of the same autonomy and dignity that I had been given to learn from my choices.

17:29And my own anxiety would compel me to constantly push him more and more until he finally said, Dad, I feel like I can never please you. See, that will cause your kids to shut down. After all, why chase an impossible standard? And you can justify it all you want inside like I did, right? But it won't work. It'll backfire. And one way you can tell the difference between teaching and anxiety is this. Your anxiety compels you to constantly make little comments. You lecture too long. You can kind of feel this, can't you? It's like I constantly have to say something to you because I'm worried about your future and what it's going to be.

18:07And you're constantly like a little less happy with your child's performance or behavior or grades. But see what I'm teaching? I don't feel compelled. I'm patient. I give my child some space. I can let them come to me. I can let them fail at times. And I invite and I lead rather than force it. Is it because your kids embarrass you? like when they refuse to wear their winter jacket and you're afraid the other parents or teachers are going to think you're a bad mom for sending your child to school in shorts and a hoodie? Is it simply because you're afraid they won't succeed? That's because you care so much, but you're sabotaging their success.

18:49Number three, since our parental anxiety causes us to get the exact opposite result than the one that we so desperately desire, then why not begin doing the opposite it for the next week. For the next week. Let's break this down and make it manageable. Get some wins for the next week. Every time you feel compelled to make a comment, don't. Replace the negative words, even if you think they're... I'm just being constructive. No, you're not. It's your anxiety. Cut it out. Stop justifying. Simply acknowledge what your kids are already doing well without adding, but if you would just apply yourself, but if you see that, but if, that's always a sign of anxiety.

19:32Notice when your kids do exhibit the traits you expect and want. It's just not usually how you want them expressed like with chores and study skills and schoolwork. You will notice, you will notice if you do this, you will notice them begin to change. They'll begin to view themselves differently. It will change how you view them. This was really odd for me. This was hard, but I found the more that I affirmed Casey, just statements of fact about, hey, good job with that. Hey, I like how you handled that. The harder he actually worked for me. He wanted to be able to please me, but he never could before.

20:11Instead of rushing, practice slowing down physically and mentally. Stop that express train in your brain carrying cargo filled with judgments and lectures and worry. When I began sitting instead of pacing, it really changed my life and relationships. I'm still a type A guy who gets a lot done, but now I'm in control of my objectives and my anxiety rather than compelling me. It just takes some practice. The payoff isn't just a better relationship with your child. It actually frees them to be more responsible. See, when you and I are lecturing and micromanaging them, they're not actually being responsible for themselves.

20:56You are. So I love this phrase. When we step back as parents, it gives our strong-willed kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves. When we step back from micromanaging and controlling them and trying to control their outcomes, it frees your kids to step up, learn from their mistakes, and make their own choices. And I like this because it reminds me to physically step back, to mentally step back. Number four, every time you get that urge to lecture or micromanage your kids, do something you can control. See, sometimes I go organize the garage for seven minutes or 15 minutes because that was something I could control that was not a human.

21:44And I mentioned this on a previous podcast, but it's a good reminder. When you get anxious in traffic or at the grocery store, purposefully allow one person to cut in front of you. It gives you power back over your anxiety. It's also great modeling for your kids. Here's another one early on. I asked Casey to use a code word every time I began to lecture and get into that kind of parental anxiety mode. Because that was second nature to me. And so I needed a reminder until I learned to catch myself. And we made it kind of fun. We used a hockey word. He'd just say, face off, Dad, face off. And I'd recognize I was lecturing again.

22:19And that's how I got to the root of it, partially. So choose something you can control and practice doing that for the next week. Get some wins. Number five, apologize to your kids if appropriate. Hey, does it seem like I'm always lecturing and micromanaging you? Like you can't please me? Okay, I need to apologize for that. See, that's my issue, not yours. An apology is just a statement of fact. You don't have to grovel or go on and on about it. Just acknowledge it. Sometimes that is very validating or healing for your child, and it introduces some accountability to you to change. So see if you can relate to this.

23:01I got an email from this dad, and he said, my wife asked me to listen to your downloads after Thanksgiving. I'm your typical skeptical guy, blah, blah, blah. Love how I did that. But when I heard you speaking about parental anxiety, it actually gave words to a feeling of unease I've had since we had our kids. I never intended to be this overbearing guy who can't be pleased. I love my kids, but then I'll react or just go on and on, and I can see them get so dispirited and down on themselves, and then I beat myself up for it. But for the first time, I understand the root of it. So I asked my oldest if that's how it feels to be around me.

23:45Isn't that, by the way, isn't that a beautifully vulnerable and courageous thing to ask your child? And my son said, Dad, we know you love us. We're just confused why you don't seem to like us or be happy with us much of the time. And the dad said that just crushed me. But he said, I'm happy to say in the last month, I have been ruthlessly focused on changing myself and controlling my own anxiety instead of my kids. And my wife and kids have noticed. He said, I can't believe that for a couple hundred bucks, this may have saved me and my family. And so he said, thank you for this. And I was like, no, thank you.

24:29You're the courageous one. Moms and dads, you are the ones who are being open and honest with yourself and your kids. You're breaking these patterns you learned from your parents. You're creating a new family tree for the dads out there. I only ask you to go through 30 Days to Calm and the dads program first. And then after that, go through the other 15. I know moms, you're going to devour like all of them. If you need help getting that, and if you need help financially, we know it's tough out there. Email Casey. We're a family like yours. C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Okay, moms and dads, much respect and love to you all for doing this.

25:03Really appreciate you. Bye-bye.