The Root of Anger & Frustration: 8 Questions to Ask #504

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2:08Kirk Martin:So do you have a child who gets frustrated, who gets angry, and they can lash out physically, verbally? They may lash out at you or at their siblings. Some of these kids may shut down. Some kids may act out at school. And this is very, very common with our kids. So in today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I want to give you some tools, some questions to ask to dig underneath the surface so we can get to the root of it. That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our Christmas in July sale at CelebrateCalm.com.

2:46Kirk Martin:So one of the most common questions we get is, hey, my child is struggling with X and there's anger, there's frustration under there. And usually parents ask, hey, what consequence can we give for this? And as you're going to see throughout this podcast episode, you can't consequence a kid into getting rid of their anger and frustration. It's not like they're like, oh, I was so angry and frustrated. But now that I'm losing my video games, I'm no longer angry and frustrated. Oftentimes, that will just contribute to even more frustration because now they're like, you're not even listening to me.

3:29Kirk Martin:I'm trying to express the fact that something's going on inside of me. You're reacting to the outward behavior, which means you're not really hearing me. I feel helpless and the adults in my life, by the way, no guilt in here. I don't do guilt or blame. This is really hard stuff. I'm just trying to kind of verbalize what it feels like inside the child's heart and head. I'm looking at this adult who's supposed to teach me and all they keep doing is taking stuff away or saying, cut it out, stop it. But nobody's really getting to the root because, look, they're not mature enough to say, Mother, father, I have some deep-rooted anger and frustration about several things, and I don't really know how to talk about that or handle conflict.

4:19Kirk Martin:And I've looked at you as my parents. You don't know how to handle conflict in your marriage, apparently. And look, no blame and guilt. That's really, really hard. It is the one reason I do ask people to go through our Calm Couples program is because I go step by step how to actually handle conflict so that you don't run from it, which is what I always did, or so it doesn't become just some blame game. But our kids are looking at us like, hey, I can't talk to you about that because we don't really talk about stuff in our home. And when we do, well, sometimes we just talk about it like this in this really sweet tone.

4:58Kirk Martin:Well, that sounds condescending and fake, like you're not taking it seriously. or one of my parents just like shuts it down. And again, I use the man voice, but sometimes the roles are changed. It's just that I have a man voice and that's what I did. So I usually express the men like I was, but it's not always like that. It can be reversed. So one of my parents talks to me like this and the other one is like, you're going to cut that house or you're going to lose everything you own and barks consequences that he or she can't keep. And so the child just starts to act out, hoping that we are going to see that as a smoke signal or an alarm that says, uh-oh, something is going on underneath the surface.

5:41Kirk Martin:So in no particular order, let me take you through about seven or eight questions I would ask if my child is acting out like that. So number one, again, not in any particular order. It's just what I wrote them down in. I would look for food allergies, gut issues, eczema for this reason. Oh, let me add to that one, pans and pandas. And you can look those up on the internet, P-A-N-S or P-A-N-D-A-S, which are related to an autoimmune issue, which will usually cause sudden onset of like OCD symptoms. Kids really not feeling like themselves. It is treatable. It's just that a lot of medical people, Western doctors, don't really acknowledge that it's real.

6:38Kirk Martin:But if all of a sudden, just think about this. If you don't feel well inside, what happens? We get crabby. We get irritable. We get short. Well, a lot of your kids, especially I've noticed kids with eczema, they drink a lot of fruit juices because that's filled with sugar water. And so that will cause inflammation, exacerbates the eczema or any kind of itching. Well, if I'm just walking around all day, itching and feeling irritated, I'm going to take that out on my siblings and maybe on my parents. Kids who struggle with anxiety, and we've done a lot of podcasts on anxiety, well, your stomach's kind of a little bit upset.

7:22Kirk Martin:Again, that doesn't feel good. So you're agitated. You're on edge. I would look at diet. It just makes sense. What you put in your body affects how you feel. and I don't like to put guilt on parents of like, oh, you need to totally restructure it. But man, it is one of the most common things that you can do that can make a difference. I would encourage you to perhaps see a functional medicine doctor or someone who specializes in gut issues who can get to the root of this. So don't overlook that because that's a big deal among our kids. number two where does this anger and frustration come from one question I always ask I hope you're not offended by this but it's just my experience in the past 25 years if a child is hitting or lashing out and angry I always have to ask what is dad like because what often happens in probably I don't want to put a percentage, but I'd say it's in most cases, this child has a dad who cannot control himself, who yells, who screams, who throws things.

8:36Kirk Martin:And so the child is growing up watching my dad do this. It can be mom as well. But in most cases, it is dad who has anger issues. There's also the issue of a critical dad. My dad just always criticizes. He's always noticing everything that I do wrong. He's never happy with me. That causes a lot of anger within kids. It shouldn't be controversial to say that, but it is a huge, huge deal. I used to mentor a lot of men, and so many of them were very successful men, doctors, attorneys, and you know what? Almost all of them had dad issues. They were still trying to prove to their dads that they were worthy, and they were exceptional at everything that they did.

9:25Kirk Martin:And so it's a real deal. There could be an absent dad. My dad doesn't pay attention to me. He's not involved with us. We can't overlook that. Now, the hard part is for speaking to moms, you can't always make change that, right? I know a lot of you say like, hey, honey, please listen to this podcast. It's another guy like you that had anger issues and he changed. and I really need you to do that. But I think if your kids are older, you can validate that and be like, yeah, that hurts. I know it's hard because they're like, well, now I'm undermining my husband's authority. No, the truth is your husband undermined his own authority by being like that.

10:09Kirk Martin:And I get tired of women being put in that position where it's like, well, I can't mention anything, yes, you can. Your husband is a grown man. And if he's not acting like a grown man, then he undermined his own authority. And it's not like you're telling your kids anything new. Kids are really smart. They can see these things. So I would not be afraid to validate that and say, yes, that would hurt me too if my dad treated me like that. Now, this conversation is for another time, right, of what we want to do with that because it's complicated and you're in a tough, many of you are in a tough situation.

10:49Kirk Martin:Let me just address really quickly how hard it is for many of you. It's like, because people will be like, oh, you just need to leave him. Well, if you leave him, but he gets custody, now a mom has to worry about her children being with that ex-husband in his home away from her care and protection. That's not an easy choice to make. There are all kinds of complications. The point of this is I don't want you to underestimate how much that matters and means in this situation. It is really hard when you have a boy who is acting out physically and with anger and there's a dad who's like that that is inextricably linked to each other and they have to change.

11:37Kirk Martin:Okay, here's another one. Trauma. Back in the day, I used to mentor a lot of teenagers and a lot of them had traumatic backgrounds. Some of them had been in foster care or just been abused. And so these were angry kids and everybody kept telling them, especially in some circles, well, you just need to forgive and you just need to move on. No, not at first. What I wanted them to do is be angry. And I would validate and say, nobody has any idea what you have been through. You should be angry. People hurt you. People abused you. And that was not right. And you have every right to be angry. And for some of these kids, they have to go through a process.

12:27Kirk Martin:That's a really healthy thing. because just saying, oh, it wasn't a big deal or oh, I forgive them. It feels like excusing people. Now, ultimately, do I want them to forgive? Yes, but not for a while. If you're forcing them to do that right away because you don't want to deal with all the anger stuff, well, that's just shortcutting the process. So the balance to that was then after that was I would draw a timeline on a sheet of paper from like age zero to age 80 or 85, and I'd say, look, here's what your life has looked like. You were 13 now. The first 13 years of your life, and I would scribble all over it, and I said, that was a chaotic mess.

13:11Kirk Martin:What happened to you in your first 13 years of your life was not right. No one deserved to be treated like that, and that was completely out of your control. Now, from this point forward, from 13 to 80, you get to make some choices. You get to decide what your future looks like. And if you just carry through always angry, you are allowing the people or person who hurt you to continue to have power over you. And I would use at times that indignant kind of anger that they had of like, do not allow them to continue to control your life five and 10 and 20 years from now. or right now. Because what would happen is these kids were lashing out out of pain and it was getting them in more and more trouble.

14:03Kirk Martin:And so when I framed it like that and said, no, you're allowing them to continue to abuse you and have power over you. I want you to take back control of your life and you create a great life. And if you want to use that as a source of inspiration or a source of fuel for you to kind of get back at them, I'm okay with that. Have that chip on your shoulder and say, no effing way do I give you power. You screwed up the first 13 years of my life. You do not control the next 70 years of my life. I do. And when these kids started getting a hold of that, man, it changed their mindset. And they started making choices that were good for them instead of self-sabotaging.

14:55Kirk Martin:So look, I'm just going to say this. If you want more on any of these areas we've gone through, whether it's diet, internal things in the body, or the tough time with the dad marriage, or trauma, let me know and we'll dive deeper. But let me keep going with this because we still have a lot to cover. So we talked on a recent podcast about helping disorganized kids get organized as school begins. So I have an idea for you. Let your kids browse with you through Wayfair.com's huge selection of organizing tools. Let them choose bins and desk supplies they can use to feel more confident and in control of their space.

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17:01Kirk Martin:Go to hungeroot.com and use code CALM. That's hungerroot.com slash calm code calm to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life and let me know which meals you love most hungerroot.com slash calm code calm cover okay an obvious source of frustration and anger for a lot of kids is school the school system and i'm not bashing i'm never bashing on teachers i'm bashing on the system spits out our kids because it tends to expose all of their weaknesses. And I'd encourage you, if your kids have struggled in this area, look up the, I did a two-parter on how to explain your child's diagnosis to your kids.

17:46Kirk Martin:But it really also kind of frames this discussion of, hey, school is filled with a lot of arbitrary standards that you will never meet. And it's important for your kids to know that honestly, that, hey, some of the things you're asked to do in school, you will not be asked to do for the rest of your life. So I'm not worried about that. You shouldn't be worried about that. Whether you want to say this to your kids or not, grades are not an accurate predictor of life success, but here's what is, and we list those things. I did that in that podcast, but I'd be honest with your kids about what is really important.

18:23Kirk Martin:Many of your kids, because they struggle in school, they internalize that they're stupid, that they're dumb. Oh, I'm slow at my work, so I must be slow. and dumb. Not at all. It's just that you're a deeper processor of information and you consider things from many different angles. You have very good critical thinking skills. That's why you're so good at arguing with me is because you anticipate my objections. You're able to process all of that and then you're very persuasive. Now, do you get a chance to do that in the classroom? No. In the classroom, you're supposed to regurgitate information that someone told you.

19:00Kirk Martin:But in real life, you get paid money to analyze information. Think about it. Come up with different angles. Present a plan to your boss and be persuasive about that and then carry out your ideas. You happen to be fantastic at that. You just don't get grades for that. So are you dumb? Absolutely not. I'll just say this because it popped in my mind. Is the school system dumb? Absolutely. Because it measures the wrong things a lot of times and smart kids like you end up feeling like they're less than. Have that conversation with your kids. It will resonate with them. I know, but then are they not going to care about grades?

19:38Kirk Martin:Your kids already don't care about grades. And now you could even use it to your advantage and say, hey, game the system. That's what I talked to my son about. That's what I talked to Casey about. Casey, just look, you got to get this piece of paper. So get the teacher what he or she wants, but don't put too much effort into it if it doesn't really mean anything. That's just being smart. That's how I live my life. I don't put all my effort into every single thing because most things don't matter. But the things that really do matter in life, oh, then I'm locked in. I make it a priority and I spend a lot of emotional, physical, mental energy on those things.

20:15Kirk Martin:That's really important to give your kids perspective, but understand that they often have this sense inside of like, why even bother? I'm always in trouble. And that's why I like the mission and mentor thing to build their confidence. Again, look up the six ways to build your child's confidence this summer. I think I did that back in June as well. Really, really helpful. Let's do this. It's related. They feel like bad kids. They've always been in trouble. So for the next week or two, I want you to actually create successes with this child. Put your child in situations in which he or she succeeds.

21:01Kirk Martin:What are your child's natural gifts, talents, and passions? What do they do well? Give them opportunities to do that around the house, outside the home. And then when they do, I really want you to bring a lot of affirmation of like, Like, hey, that was really good. Remember when we affirm strong will kids? Don't make it a big deal of like, oh my gosh, you did such a good job. Let's call Aunt Susie. No, they don't want all that. That's pressure to them. Even matter of fact, I'm planting a lot of seeds. Hey, nice job with that. Shows me you're growing up. Hey, that was really good thinking. Love how you did that.

21:36Kirk Martin:And I walk out of the room. I never expect a response. Mom, Dad, thank you so much for affirming me. Dads who are listening who struggle with this, I will just give you one thing to do for the next week. Simply affirm what your kids are already doing well, but you may not use the words, but if you would just apply yourself, but no, you don't need to do that. And I struggled so much with this as a young dad because I thought if I start affirming my son, he's going to stop working hard. He's going to think everything's okay. You know what happened? The exact opposite. My son craved my affirmation.

22:10Kirk Martin:My son craved my acceptance. and I kind of always withheld it. It was almost like, hey, good job there, but keep going. Do it a little bit better. Give a little bit more effort and then you'll get it. And because that's what my dad did. My dad never told his four boys once, hey, I'm proud of you. Not once and we all grew up to be very successful people despite that and maybe partly as fuel, right? That I talked about before, but I don't want your kids having all that icky stuff in there. I want them knowing. and for the men I just say this every day tell your kids I love you and frequently tell them I'm proud of you it is powerful moms too but moms tend not to struggle with that as much despite what a few guys on Instagram say so it just is that way so saying like hey proud of you I like how you handle that situation do that for the next week or two some of your kids don't fit in with their peers.

23:09Kirk Martin:Let them know, hey, here's the tough and bad news is that you are going to be grouped into classes with only kids your own age for the first 18, 22 years of your life. In the adult world, you don't only work with 37-year-olds. You are going to be exposed to all kinds of people. And guess what? You know how that is an advantage to you? You're really good with older people and you will seek their wisdom. And guess what? Older people will see something in you because you are an old soul and they will be drawn to you. And I've watched that play out in my son's life. Older people gravitate toward him and at his job where he works, he gets promoted more quickly because there's something mature about him and there's something old soulish that they get about him is really cool, but they struggle.

24:01Kirk Martin:So I want you to find one good friend, just one good friend. They don't have to be friends with lots of people and everybody in the class. One good friend really helps. Let them know it's okay to not have a lot of friends. Some people like me prefer to have fewer friends, but deeper friendships. Listen to the social skills podcast I did on July 20th. That's a good one. Now here's one more question because we're starting to run out of time is, when people ask about a child's behavior changing, I'm like, what's changed recently? Has your schedule changed? Are you working a different shift? Is mom or dad traveling more for work?

24:41Kirk Martin:Is there a new teacher, a substitute teacher? Did a pet or a grandparent die? Or are they sick and in the hospital? Is there a parent who's struggling with some kind of disease or something is there has there been a divorce has your child lost something i once had this case i was working with these parents and we're really trying to figure it out you know what it was their child had got something similar to like a little toy at the mcdonald's drive-thru and they lost it but it meant so much to them their world was turned upside down over something small. Know that with strong-willed kids, it is often the little things that really mess them up because it messes with their sense of order.

25:32Kirk Martin:The big things going wrong often stimulate their brains. So let's do a quick recap for you. So if you're a child, this is what I want you to do. This is your homework now, okay, is to say, okay, my child's struggling with this behavior. Okay, is there something going on inside their body? Good place to start. Is there something relationally with dad, with mom? Oftentimes it's with a sibling where there's resentment. So listen to that sibling issues podcast I just did. Is there trauma? Is there trauma that we need to address? School issues are very, very common. I want you to create successes. And I want you to see, hey, is something else changed recently?

26:14Kirk Martin:because when things change, it feels out of your control. So kids are often trying to take back control and their behavior changes. And now you're going to get into, we're getting, here's one more to end this, anxiety. Because it's coming on the end of summer. School is starting to come back and you're seeing ads for back to school time. And now your child's starting to anticipate, uh-oh, I'm going into a new class, to a new school. what's that going to be like so go back and listen to the episode from um i think it's on june 1st on anxiety and i hate to keep sending well i don't hate to keep listen to those podcasts but i can't make this like a four-hour podcast so let's go go through that and see i would encourage you let your kids listen to this and you can say hey you listen do any of these things that this guy mentioned do those resonate with you is that what's happening and they may say yeah that thing he said about my body or about this anger yeah that was true and now you have a great discussion about it and you get to the root of the issue but that is why you can't consequence anger and frustration out of a kid, you have to get to the root of it.

27:35Kirk Martin:You're good moms and dads. Man, you're doing your best. You're working so hard at this. You listen to a parenting podcast. I respect you for that. I appreciate that. If we can help you in any way, let us know. If you have the programs, listen to them over the summer before school starts so you're ready. If you don't take advantage of the Christmas in July sale and really work through this and let your kids listen because they'll really get this. Okay. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.