There Is Hope For Your ADHD Neurodivergent Child Who Can’t Focus (& 10 Ways to Stop Homework Battles) #634

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2:04So do you have a bright, strong-willed child who should be able to buzz through their homework in 45 minutes, but would seemingly rather fight you tooth and nail for twice that long to not do it? Have you ever felt frustrated because schools and society tend to only support neurotypical learning styles and that makes your child feel different and less than? Does homework time ever end in tears for you or your child. And just saying in a frustrated voice, you know what, if you would just focus, you'd be done in 45 minutes instead of it taking three hours. Well, that's not motivating for your child.

2:37And you've tried bribery and threats and pleading and consequences, probably tutors and everything else. Nothing seems to work. So I want to try using their brain's natural powers to make this a little less stressful. And beyond that, I want to teach kids about their brains, because this is the brain they will have for the rest of their lives. And I do want you to know, no matter how much you're a neurodivergent child or a child with ADHD struggles, there is hope for your child. And there's hope for you to get through this. And even if that child never does homework and can't seem to focus, I'm going to share a story I've never shared before at the end of the podcast to give you hope.

3:18So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome, this is Kirk Martin, also host of the PDA Parent Podcast. You can check that out. Please do hit subscribe to both podcasts. It helps us reach more parents, and we really do appreciate it. Now, the true importance of this podcast is that it's not just about jump-starting your child's brain to complete arbitrary school assignments. The more important part is understanding how your child's brain works best and teaching that to your child. It is the brain they will have the rest of their lives. I still have this kind of brain decades into my life.

3:59And I'd actually let your kids listen to this episode and ask them to use these ideas themselves. And if you are a neurodivergent adult, I hope you learn some new tools that can help you focus in your daily life. And hopefully will also prevent a lot of fights, defiance, and tears this coming school year. So let's jump in. Number one, prime your kids' brains after school by giving your kids something they are in control of. Look, everything is out of their control at school. Someone is telling them what to do and how to do it all day long, lining up. Do this. Pick up your pencil now. It is exhausting.

4:40Many of them, many of your kids, they're done emotionally and mentally and even physically by noon. They're just done. So here are some ideas. Could you give them a more adult-type mission that makes them feel grown up and in control of something? Does your child like organizing or arranging things, even a rote task like organizing paperclips by color for little kids, something that doesn't require any emotional or mental effort? I love treasure hunts outside because that fresh air, the exercise, looking for something special, It's a great transition after the school day. Some kids, just give them downtime and space alone.

5:21Let them listen to music or sit in silence on the way home. Don't ask about school every day, especially if your child doesn't like school. Instead, ask their opinion about current events or something that happened to you that day. Ask your child for their opinion about some grown-up topic. See, that takes the pressure off of them so they don't feel like they're being interrogated, right? with like, hey, how was your day? Did you make any new friends? How'd you do on that test? And we all have good intentions with that, but it just feels like a lot of pressure. Could one parent leave an envelope every day with a special mission inside so that the child gets home and there's an envelope and now there's a special mission?

6:05I used to do this with Casey sometimes when I left early for work. So when he woke up, there's a mission in the morning. After school, oh, there is a mission. Could your child go to a neighbor's house, ideally an older retired couple, to help them for 15 minutes? Even to walk a neighbor's dog or feed a cat. That is very grounding and it's better than hopping on screens or beginning the fight over schoolwork. Number two, do homework outside. Pack up some homework, some snacks and get moving. Walk through the woods, build a fort, skip stones across a creek. Fresh air changes moods. Exercise stimulates the brain.

6:42Doing harder physical work and breaking a sweat releases endorphins, which are awesome for learning. Your kids, look, they're not going to want to go outside. You have to lead them there. Make it fun. Make up games. Let your little landscapers do some yard work. Sometimes kids would help me shovel, mulch, and plant things. And they'd sit in the dirt and do homework. Sometimes we'd climb down into these drainage ditches in our neighborhood. And I told the kids it was the sewer and they liked it even more because sometimes kids like gross things when they thought it was really different. Well, we were underground where we weren't supposed to be.

7:21It was dark. So we did schoolwork with flashlights. It was fun and different. I love riding bikes to somewhere interesting and doing one subject in that spot. Have a snack and ride to a different spot like a construction zone. So the kids can watch the diggers and such. I do that with Casey all the time. So walk, ride bikes, take the train for our European friends. Who cares? Go explore and take schoolwork with you. Or just throw a blanket on the lawn with a snack and do it there. Or if you're in Minnesota, do it inside your igloo, wherever you are, if it's cold or like out here. Number three, manage your kids' energy.

8:04Teach them to manage their energy, not their time. This is a really crucial insight for our kids and for us as adults. Traditional time management tends to be linear, and it doesn't work with our kids. It never worked with me. People with our brains work in spurts. They hyper-focus. They work on momentum. I have days where nothing is really clicking that well, so I focus on more mundane projects that don't require as much thinking. But then I will hit a mode in which my brain is super focused and I'll sometimes write and record four podcasts in a day or two when I'm putting together a new program.

8:44Like I just created that new PDA parent program. That was an extraordinary amount of work and content. But I would hit a mode and I could condense a week's worth of work and thinking into three days. So help your kids understand and recognize this pattern inside. Learn how and when your most challenging child focus is best. It may actually be early in the morning before others are up. It could be after exercise. We did homework at the ice rink all the time after Casey had practice. We do it now. We do our work a lot of times after we go for a hard hike. If your child is crushing it in math one day, well, just keep going with that if you can.

9:27do three days worth of math work that day. It's very unnatural and difficult to switch back and forth between five different subjects in a day. I work best on weekends when everyone else is off and more chill because I pick up on that energy. That's why teens often like staying up late to do work. The world is quieter at night, and so are the parents. They're not, you know, parents are in bed. Nobody's bugging me. Well, now I'm alone and I can focus. Case and I use this insight all the time. I actually wrote this on a Saturday after a morning hike. I know my brain feels focused now, and I'll do mundane non-thinking work later.

10:09So put some time into teaching your kids how to manage their energy, not their time. And there's a lot more on this in the ADHD University program. It's part of the Calm Parenting Bundle. And I really want your kids to listen to that. And if I'm being honest, not being afraid of people being mad at me, like, oh, you're talking about your programs. I'll just say, honestly, the ADHD university program back in the day, a few years ago, we would sell that for as much as we sell the entire bundle for now. Why? Because it's worth that price. It's like the whole bundle just costs like one trip to a therapist's office.

10:44But instead you get like 17 programs. It's an extraordinary amount of insight. And I really want your kids to understand their brain. So number four, and by the way, for those who need help, you email Casey and ask him, we will help you financially. We're just a family like yours. Number four, use time compression to your advantage. This is another big insight. It is important as kids get older. Sometimes parents say to teenagers, no, you can't get a job because you need to focus on homework. but older kids have from say 3 to 11 p.m. to get homework done realistically. And if I'm being really honest, it might be midnight.

11:24It's too much time in a sense. But if they are involved in a sport, drama club, or have a job, that compresses their time. And I noticed the power of this when Casey was traveling with me for live events. We'd roll into a new city at say 547. We'd go right to a Panera. Well, now we had 43 minutes to eat and get our work done before leaving for the live event. And what I discovered was that definitive time limit, compressing the time he had to get writing assignments done, helped Casey focus better. It was a defined limit, so we know it wasn't going to last forever. It forced his brain to hyper-focus.

12:07It also worked because we were eating. Music was playing and there was activity going on there. The rhythm from eating in music actually creates rhythm in the brain. All of that was stimulating and helped him focus. I use this for myself all the time. On hard projects, I will give myself, I did it even for this podcast writing it. There's a lot of content here and I'm trying to organize it in the right way. 10 different steps. And so I will sometimes give myself a defined time limit to work and say, okay, within the next seven minutes, I'm going to write point number five. That helps me. So use that at home.

12:47You can even jumpstart your child's brain and get a success by saying, hey, okay, in the next 17 minutes, let's knock out this assignment. Play some music. Get some movement. I am also a realist. Some of your kids are so resistant you could do the following. Hey, don't tell anyone, but we're going to do this worksheet together and we're knocking it out in 17 minutes. So you do the odd problems, I'll do the even ones. And so you do it together. Well, isn't that cheating? No. When you are doing the even math problems, you're showing your work, unlike your child, and you're teaching. Plus you're just getting it done and that's called being smart.

13:30Number five, use rhythm. Think of music and chewing snacks and tapping pencils. Your kids usually have very busy brains that don't feel that organized with thoughts and feelings and ideas tumbling around like socks in a dryer. Now you introduce rhythm through music and chewing and tapping pencils and that creates rhythm in the brain. It can help your kids focus better. So I would experiment with allowing your kids to listen to music and especially intense music, which I did as I wrote this because it can help with writing projects and other subjects. Let your kids eat their snack while doing schoolwork instead of being separate.

14:10Chewing brings blood flow to the brain. It's relaxing. It creates rhythm. So you could have a child stand, not sit at the table, stand at the kitchen counter where he's rocking back and forth, chewing on a snack, listening to music that irritates you, and that's a bonus, while doing schoolwork. Just try it. In schools, we used to sometimes let kids tap pencils, but we put a sponge on their desk so it didn't make any noise. But they got the rhythmic sensory motion, and that really helped. Number six. So let's combine this with movement to stimulate and focus the brain. Review vocabulary words and quiz your kids while they're jumping on a trampoline, while kicking a ball back and forth, while they're shooting hoops, while they're spinning, because that meets vestibular needs.

14:56We taught kids how to read while swinging on a swing. It's weird, but it works. If you have a child who likes hanging off the sofa upside down, good. Use that to your advantage. It brings blood flow to the brain. Probably means a vestibular need that calms him. Walk into the living room and say, hey, bet you can't do your math worksheet upside down. Then lie upside down next to your child and quiz him or her. Bond over weird things. Review vocabulary words while your child is spinning. If you have a child who likes confined spaces, well, let that child do homework under the kitchen table. Put a blanket over it.

15:30Now it's a fort while lying on the floor, sitting in a closet or even in the car. Experiment with different ideas. That's why I often get my best ideas and clarity while hiking or going for a walk. So use that as an adult when thinking through decisions. In the classroom, I love kids doing chair push-ups or playing a short Simon Says game in the middle of class. I like giving kids a short mission to improve focus. Hey, could you carry this heavy red backpack next door to Ms. Johnson's classroom and bring me back to her blue backpack? Well, that meets sensory needs, provides a specific mission, and gives kids, I'm speaking so fast, 60 seconds to move.

16:11Now, number seven is one of my favorite weird ideas to get kids to focus better. It's back to school time, and that means you're going to be running around nonstop with your kids. Keep Cure hydrating electrolyte packets in your car, purse, backpacks. It makes drinking water more fun and healthy, and it gives you that added energy boost without the crash and without expensive sports drinks loaded with sugar and food dyes. Cure is pure, clean hydration with fantastic flavors for everyone in the family, like pink lemonade, fruit punch, grape, strawberry, kiwi, raspberry, and my favorite, berry pomegranate.

16:48When you flip the packet over, you can actually read what the ingredients are. Just coconut water, pink Himalayan salt, and a burst of real fruit. Cure's the electrolyte mix we use and reach for daily. With clean ingredients and nothing artificial, it's become easy to stay hydrated. Find it on Amazon or save 20 % at curehydration.com with code CALM. That's curehydration.com, code CALM, for 20 % off your first order. You know I love my routines and no stress. And what we have noticed most with Hungry Root is that we're more consistent with eating healthy. We don't stress over dinner time anymore.

17:26And we're not spending as much money going out for dinner. Hungry Root is just really easy. We really love the sous vide chicken and beef. It is unbelievably tender and juicy and fresh. Perfect portion size with amazing sauces. So I can make dinner that's honestly more delicious than most restaurants. with healthy ingredients at a fraction of the cost in less than 15 minutes with virtually no cleanup. It makes mealtime fun without the stress. You're going to love Hungry Root as much as we do. For a limited time, get 40 % off your first order. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. So go to HungryRoot.com and use code CALM.

18:07That's HungryRoot.com to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. Oh, I can tell autumn is coming because our house is filled with the aroma of soup, some warm comfort food for those chillier nights. I love this time of year. Last night, we went to Wayfair.com to check out Dutch ovens and crockpots. And don't tell Casey, but we got he and his wife an espresso machine because they have to get up early for work. They love our gifts. Wayfair has everything we need in one place. Furniture, cookware, appliances, bedding, decor. No need to shop at multiple stores and run around all day.

18:50We can quickly find what we need, discover some new ideas, and get fast, free, reliable shipping, all for a really good price within our budget. Transform your space with pieces that hold up to real life. Join Wayfair Rewards today and get 5 % back on every purchase. Head to Wayfair.com or shop the Wayfair app for all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Way fair, every style, every home. Number seven, experiment with doing work in different parts of your home. In the attic, the basement, a tree house, the car even. Or out in public. And I know it may sound weird, but try it. We used to take kids to a local coffee shop to do one or two subjects.

19:35They liked that there were antlers on the walls and a fire going in winter, so it was cozy. Plus, they were more at like an adult place. It felt like a grown-up thing to do. Then we drive to the local ice rink where they would do homework, then skate a bit, endorphin release, and do more work. We just pack snacks to avoid paying for food. I just got an email from a mom saying, hey, could I create a cozy spot and attic for my child to do homework? And I was like, yeah, why not? Look, side note for adults, I often do my best work thinking outside, even in public places where there is a lot going on.

20:09Rather than distracting me, it actually helps me focus better. Sometimes I get so much writing done waiting for a car oil change that I actually stay at the dealership after the car is ready because I don't have the same distractions I have at home. Number eight, trade kids with another mom or dad or your spouse. Get together a couple times per week for a couple hours of work. Then let the kids play together. Perhaps the other mom or dad teaches your child math while you teach theirs writing. It's kind of what we do with sports. When you're a sports coach, you don't coach your own kid because you'll end up being too tough on him and yell and get all anxious.

20:48So I always had another coach coach Casey and I coach their child. Or if you're usually the parent who does homework with the kids, have your spouse take over the job routinely. Then your kids get to listen to someone with a fresh perspective and a different voice. Number nine, find an older couple in the neighborhood or community to help you. And I know you're going to resist this at first. Oh, I don't want to bother people. It's not bothering people. You have this older couple you know, and they've already raised their kids. They're safe. They're patient. They miss having their kids around. Some of you even have retired school teachers in your neighborhood or your church.

21:24Use them. Simply ask them, hey, I've got one child in particular who's really bright but really resists me. He has a huge heart and would do anything for you around the house. Would you consider doing a couple subjects with him once or twice a week? And that old lady or the couple in your neighborhood would love having your child at their house. Your child will bring some energy and youth into their home. Probably be wonderfully helpful and engaging because our kids are great for other people, just not us. It gives this older couple a new mission. They'll feel good about helping a frustrated mom and dad.

21:56And it also gives them something to talk about after being married for 45 years. So your child will likely really enjoy being the center of attention in their home. This old couple will dote on and encourage your child and probably also be tough on him. But he'll listen to them because they aren't you. He'll come home feeling confident and good about himself. It will give your child an opportunity to do a service project for this couple, helping them with things around the house. Casey did that in Nashville all the time with this great couple down the street. And if you get really lucky, the old dude is a retired engineer or handyman kind of guy who can teach your child how to build and fix things.

22:36Plus, it gives you and your compliant kids time to breathe and work and have peace at home for a couple hours while your strong-willed child is enjoying his time with the Johnsons down the street. Please do try this. Number 10. Create successes, get small wins, and affirm your child. Start with small wins. Get what you can. Let them read and write about something they're interested in. Make it a practical thing. So they write letters to the cereal company asking for a refund because there wasn't much cereal in that box. I did that as a kid. Let them write to someone they respect or someone they disagree with, which would be more likely with your kids.

23:14Let them read more adult-type books and articles. Write a rebuttal on a political form. Anything that engages their curiosity. and then affirm your child for what he or she is already doing well. It's so easy to get frustrated with our kids and point out all the things they're doing wrong or not doing right. Let's break that cycle now. Learn to affirm your kids' unique gifts and talents and progress, not perfection. It's way more motivating. And I want to give you hope and perspective. So we're hiking on our local mountain out here, and I noticed this chivalrous young man, Jacob, helping his wife, Olivia.

23:52They said I could give them a shout out. And they're coming down this steep, snowy path. So we begin walking and talking. And I ask them like 1 ,400 questions and they oblige with well-thought-out answers. And they seem very mature for their age. They're in their late 20s, but they're like old souls. And as we get closer to the trailhead, they ask what I do and I begin describing the kids we work with. And Jacob says, oh, kind of sounds like me. I buy like six of the same clothes if I find something comfortable. Well, I asked what his gifts and passions are and were. And he said, well, I was always outside being incredibly active, skiing or rock climbing, but I just couldn't focus.

24:31And so think about this, what we miss. This is a very bright young man. And he said, I couldn't focus. But think about it. Rock climbing requires an extraordinary amount of focus, attention to detail, ability to see patterns and make strategic decisions. You're evaluating risks. You have sensory awareness and ability to mute the external world so you can hyper-focus because if you don't make the right move, you could fall and get hurt. So look, Jacob did not have focus issues. He had motivation issues. Like your kids, when motivated, Jacob possesses extraordinary focus abilities and can actually hyper-focus, which is a superpower in life.

25:15Then he confesses something else. I couldn't focus as a kid. I can't even remember sitting down to do homework ever. So he never really did homework, and I imagine that means he's been a failure in life and probably struggling. only Jacob and Olivia just set aside their careers in New York City and are now enrolled in the prestigious Stanford Business School. So this kid who supposedly couldn't focus and never did homework just got accepted into one of the premier business schools in the world. He's also a great communicator, very self-aware, humble, curious, and kind with a vision for his future.

25:59And so one of the reasons I wanted to record this episode is because he'd never heard of the concept of, hey, you got to manage your energy, not your time. And I'm sure like a lot of our kids, he's internalized, well, there's something wrong with me. I can't focus. I'm not as good as other people. And no, he's still learning about himself. And one of my goals is to make sure your kids understand their brains and understand there's nothing wrong with their brains. They just work differently. it's just that the world isn't set up for neurodivergent people we we're set up for neurotypical way of learning but our brains work in different ways so let those kids listen to this podcast let them listen to the adhd university program in the bundle even if they don't have the diagnosis it's describing their brains this is the brain they have for the rest of their lives so they should understand it and if you do have our programs we will share these with your child's teachers so they understand your child's brains and they know how to help your kids in positive ways.