Tired Of Being A Verbal Punching Bag & Want Kids to Be Responsible For Impulse Control & Sassy Attitudes? #540

0:00So does your child need help with a particular subject in school? I encourage you to check out IXL.com slash Kirk. Do you have a child who is bored and wants to work ahead? IXL gives you that flexibility. IXL is an online learning program that can be used by any student from K to 12. What I personally like about IXL is that your child can explore any topic in any grade level. And no matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way they learn best while meeting them at their level. So whether your child needs extra help with a class or wants to work ahead, IXL provides the positive feedback our kids crave.

0:45Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So I hope I don't get in trouble for this because I just decided to rename the Cozy Earth Classic Cuddle Blanket to the Cozy Earth Calm Cuddle Blanket. You know why? Because look, when your kids are upset, sometimes try this. Just walk into the living room, wrap yourself in. It's so indulgent and plush and unbelievably soft, this Cozy Earth Cuddle Blanket.

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2:04I've got them on right now. Cozy Earth is my wardrobe. So head to CozyEarth.com and use my code CALM for up to 20 % today. Can you actually get kids to be responsible for their impulsive behavior, that sassy attitude, and poor choices? Yeah, of course you can. What about kids who lash out when plans change, use you as a verbal punching bag, and blame you for things that aren't your fault? How do you hold kids accountable who break something around the house without creating World War III? I want to show you exactly how with scripts and concrete action steps in today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

2:47Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in, it's the final weekend of our popular Black Friday sale at CelebrateCalm.com. And I hope all of our friends in America enjoyed kind of a nice stress-free Thanksgiving with family, if that's possible. So here's why I'm excited about today's podcast. I love our Instagram community. So do join us there. It's at Calm Parenting Podcast because I'm very active there. It's a very supportive and positive community with social media, which is rare. So I asked parents on Instagram, hey, what questions do you want me to answer? And so a couple weeks ago, I began mauling about six or seven questions and jotting down random notes.

3:31At the time, none of the questions seemed related. But after I really dug into this, I noticed a pattern. In all of these situations, we have an opportunity to give our kids responsibility and ownership of their actions and choices and responses. So let's jump in. Okay, number one, good mom asked me, hey, how do we deal with kids being afraid of the dark, but who insist on watching zombie shows and scary things. And my response on Instagram was, well, then they'll just continue to have fear and nightmares. And that's their choice. That's their issue and not yours to fix. And a mom on Instagram actually replied and said, this really triggers me.

4:19And then I feel angry at the end of the day. Then I feel guilty that I'm not validating their emotions. Now just think how insidious this is. Your kids make a choice that affects their lives and then you as the parent feel anger and guilt. See that's not a healthy boundary and that will actually feed this negative cycle. See in some ways you are owning responsibility for your child's choices. You are becoming entangled emotionally with them. Your kids make a choice and get afraid. You then feel like you need to comfort or validate them emotionally, which probably prolongs this cycle because they reap an internal benefit from this while you end up feeling angry and manipulated.

5:13So instead, I would just simply state in an even matter of fact manner, well, of course you had a nightmare. That's what happens when you watch scary shows. So for many of you, that's going to be very hard because it sounds kind of cold. And it's not. It's also not snotty or lecturing. You know what? When you watch scary shows, that's what happens. See, I hate that tone. My statement above is just a statement of fact. And you are putting it in their court. Hey, son, daughter, if you don't want the nightmares, then you need to make a different choice. and then you walk away. It's the compassionate thing to do rather than make yourself feel needed by comforting them.

6:01The good news that we always talk about is you can't always control your kid's behavior. But in this situation, mom, you have complete control over your own. When you liberate yourself from needing to feel needed, think about that, or from reacting with anger or guilt or emotion, you will liberate your kids to actually own their own choices. All right, here's an easy one to me. Good dad asked this question. Hey, what consequence would the calm guy give if your kids broke windows? Here are a couple options. So I love this one. You say in a very grave, serious voice, guys, meet me outside in five minutes near the broken window.

6:47And then you go outside. See, your kids are going to be anticipating you coming out, being angry and lecturing them. But instead you smile. You give your kids a fist bump and say, you know what? I'm glad you guys are outside playing with the ball. It's what we did our entire childhood. This time, I've got this. But next time, if you're not careful and you break a window, you guys are paying for it. Sometimes it's nice to extend a little mercy to your kids because they're just trying to figure out life for the first time. We all mess up in life and sometimes a little mercy is helpful. Now, if your kids have repeatedly not listened to you or if this happens again, get an estimate for the window to be fixed.

7:38and then one day you say, hey guys, I got the estimate to replace the window. It's on the kitchen counter. Why don't you guys take a look at that and then you let me know how you plan to work this amount off around the house doing chores. We're probably going to need to do a yard sale to sell some of the stuff you don't play with anymore and I can show you how to get some odd jobs with neighbors so you can pay me back for the window. Now here's why I like this. There's no drama. I'm not angry. I'm not lecturing. I'm not shaming. There's no constant disapproval. I'm always unhappy with you. It's just businesslike.

8:17I'm just holding them accountable and I'm giving them tools to pay this off. I would encourage you apply the same approach to most of your discipline. No drama, no shaming, no lectures. You'll notice that something else that this has in common with teaching your kids impulse control, which we'll get to, and stopping the nightmares. We're putting responsibility in your child's court to own this. That's what we're after. By the way, when we get all upset and create all that drama, we're kind of making it all about us. And all of my resentment, after all I do for you, I can't believe that you don't listen to me and you break windows.

8:57Look, most of us did that stuff as kids. Chill a little bit. Okay, number three. So the mom said, I have a preteen who gets sassy and disrespectful toward me sometimes. How do you learn to not take it personally or get triggered? And my question back is, are you expecting your strong-willed child to be the only teen or tween on the planet who isn't sassy at times? See, it would be weird if kids this age just walked around always being happy and emotionally balanced and saying, you know what, I don't really want to hang out with my friends. I'd rather spend time with my mom and dad because they have so much wisdom.

9:40See, that would be weird. So every morning, wake up and expect that this child is going to be on a roller coaster all through their teen years. Their entire life at this age is drama. It's an awkward age. Hormones are affecting them in new ways, as yours may be as well. So have compassion on them and yourself. And just think of the social pressure. It's amplified with social media. Everything is about fitting in, and yet no one really fits in. It's an ugly process your teens and tweens are going through because they've never done it before. But you have. You get to be the one person in their life who doesn't create more drama.

10:29Someone who has the confidence and the wisdom to know this is a natural stage when kids are trying to figure out the boundaries as they strive for independence. Now, if they're demanding or disrespectful, you don't have to take that. just keep your response short and sweet and matter of fact. Hey, that's not going to work well for you here or hey, that's not going to get you what you want but you can try again if you want when I get back downstairs and then I give them some space to think about it. With Casey, I used to say, hey, I can hear that tone and what that usually tells me, something else is going on.

11:05Let me know if you want to go for a walk, grab a smoothie or color with me. Coloring is great with teens and tweens and I'll be happy to listen without saying a word. I'm not taking it personally. I'm not getting all, I can't believe that you would do this. I just would hear that tone and it would signal, uh-oh, something else is going on. And I'd let them know at times, hey, that's just not going to work for you, but here's a different way to handle it. Now, if you've done too much for your child and you have those resentments. After all I've done for you and you talk to me this way, well then you've loved your child with expectations.

11:45That's manipulative. Because think about this. What we're saying in effect is, well because I've done so much for you, you owe it to me to talk to me nicely. See that's not healthy. So work on that. By the way, don't do those little lectures of like, you know, you really need to learn to talk to people more nicely. It's just eh. So by all means, also find the good choices they're making and affirm your kids relentlessly while also recognizing all the bad things that they could be doing that they're not doing. See dads especially, I really want you to take the lead on affirming your kids, catching them doing things well.

12:35Your acceptance and affirmation and approval means more than you can possibly know. Moms and dads, I both want you to do that. But dads, this is more important than you can possibly imagine. Just please trust me on that. So here's your opportunity. They are only going through this stage once. And if you handle it right, it will bond you very, very closely because you'll be the one parent not freaking out. That parent that they can count on. So how can we tie this into our theme of getting kids to be responsible for themselves? Ironically, by modeling it and not being reactive or hasty ourselves.

13:20So they see you handling their teen or tween drama without being flustered. So you can normalize all of this for your child and say, look, you're going to have ups and downs. You're going to feel overwhelmed and confused and be angry at or irritated by me at times. That's normal. What I'd like you to think about is what kind of tradition could we have when you are feeling this way so we don't have huge fights and say hurtful things? Is it having a cup of coffee, coloring on the floor, going for a walk or a run, baking something fun together, going for late night drives and our PJs to talk. See what your child comes up with.

14:01Casey's code word was chips and salsa, and that meant we'd have a snack together, which we still love doing to this day. Now what about kids who get upset when plans change, and how do you get kids to improve their impulse control? So here's a common situation, and we can apply the same theme. How many of you have kids who get upset and lash out when plans change. It's because most of you have kids who have these very busy, swirling brains and it feels like things are out of their control. That's partly why they are often bossy, like things just sew, wear the same clothes, eat the same food, collect little acorns or stones in their pockets, or even steal things.

14:42They also lash out when little things go wrong or plans change. And that makes sense to me. You'll also notice these traits heightened in kids who have been adopted or have a trauma background. So mama told her son they were going swimming one day. Well, it started thundering and the pool closed and her son began yelling at her. You lied to me, it's your fault. Now I know moms are powerful, but I don't think they can control thunder. So here are a few things to begin trying with kids like this. When kids get predictably upset over plans changing or something going wrong, validate with intensity.

15:19Do not dismiss it and say, oh it's no big deal we'll go another day don't get defensive and say you know what i try to make you happy and do fun things for you but i can't control the weather it's not helpful instead validate with intensity oh man i hate when plans change it's really hard when you get your mind on something and start picturing all the fun you're going to have and then plans change and you can't do it that's hard see sometimes that helps express their frustration in a positive way because it's an honest statement. So they don't feel the need to blame and yell at you. Now, many of our kids process their feelings by venting verbally.

16:00And while it's annoying, it's helpful for them. We just don't want them using you as their verbal punching bag. The intense validation will help with that, but you can and should put boundaries on it. Hey, for the next seven minutes, vent to me. Tell me everything you were looking forward to doing and why the stupid thunder ruined your afternoon. But after those seven minutes are up, oh, we problem solve and figure out plan B. You may also say something like this in a firm, direct, no-nonsense manner. Please don't use that really sweet tone and try to convince them to be nice. Here's what you say.

16:36Hey, I'm not gonna be your verbal punching bag. I refuse to accept blame over something I have no control over. It's not right to yell at other people just because you're disappointed. So you can be PO'd all you want, but it won't change anything. You have a choice here. You can choose to be miserable for the rest of the day, or you can use that great imagination and creativity and problem-solving skills to come up with a different plan. Let me know if you want some help with that. Again, you're giving your child some ownership of this situation. I like that. And in the future, always give them ownership proactively.

17:14Hey, we're planning to go to the pool after school. look up the hours and if we get an afternoon storm what's your backup plan okay here's a great question how do we improve impulse control in a child especially with adhd or on the spectrum look here's the thing kids are supposed to have impulse control issues this is the time of life when they're supposed to try new things without thinking too much so they can learn the hard way without the stakes being too high. I want kids being impulsive. I just don't want 35 and 45-year-olds being impulsive. And I don't want us to frame impulsivity as just another negative attribute of our kids because there's a positive side of it.

18:00Impulse control is a legitimate and real issue. I get that. But this is a conversation I would encourage you to have with your child over time. Yes, you are impulsive at times. That means you get excited about ideas and you have initiative. And so you jump in quickly and that will serve you well in life. See, other people overthink things, make excuses, wait for the perfect moment. And they're too risk averse. So they never accomplish big things. So this is one superpower in your life. Now, the downside is that sometimes you jump in without thinking things through. and that will cause you to get burned and that will hurt, but it's part of the process.

18:43What I want for you is to harness your superpower without getting burned so often and so badly. And since this is going to impact your life, I want you to begin practicing impulse control every day in small ways so you can get mastery of this and accomplish your large dreams. See, that's an honest conversation about the advantages and disadvantages of this trait. I gave context, and now the child will be motivated to work extra hard on impulse control, not because there's something wrong with them, but because it will lead them to accomplish their vision in life. And I love this way of teaching your kids about life.

19:30You're normalizing the fact that everybody has strengths and weaknesses. What I find offensive and destructive in society is that we only single out our kids with negative labels and we pressure parents to spend 90 % of your energy trying to fix what is supposedly wrong with your kids. Nobody singles out compliant neurotypical kids and says, hey, we need to put your child on medication and send them to therapy and classes because they're too compliant and risk averse. They're too cautious and overthink things. They're not creative. They can't hyper focus. they don't have enough energy. How are they ever going to succeed in the real world?

20:08See, I like giving kids context and perspective about their relative strengths and weaknesses so they can take ownership themselves and spend 80 % of their time cultivating their natural gifts and talents while shoring up their weaknesses. Now, you need to take an active role modeling impulse control for your kids. Can you control your own emotions or are you too reactive? We'll work on that. We had several rules or traditions in our home. Hey, we never make big purchases right away. We always walk out of the store and we always waited two days before going back. Only usually we didn't go back because once we left and slept on it, that impulse to buy something new kind of left.

20:52We never bought anything in a checkout line at the store. Why? Because it's designed to take advantage of all impulse purchases. And then we talk, Casey, I've mentioned this before, impulse control and delayed gratification when he was little. We go to Red Robin and I'd routinely ask, hey, how many fries are we going to leave on the plate today? And he'd ask, why would you do that? And the answer was, well, just to show that you can. And I know it may sound stupid or silly, but it was concrete and it worked. I've mentioned this with video games. Teach them delayed gratification. This is an imperfect example but let's say your kids get to play on their video games for an hour.

21:29One night you say, hey if you guys will turn off your video games after 57 minutes, so three minutes early tomorrow night, I will give you an additional 12 minutes to play. We're starting to teach them, oh if I delay gratification and I give up a few minutes today, I get much more tomorrow. See, it's a skill you have to practice and you have to model. So let's begin putting that in their court. Now, I love this question. Should you be vulnerable with your kids and let them in on your parenting secrets? Look, back in the day, there was this weird family dynamic. It's like the parents were these mystery grown-ups who didn't always act very grown-up.

22:13They were over here and the kids were over across this abyss. I rarely talked to any of my friends' dads. They all were like sitting in their lazy boy recliners in the basement watching sports when we went over to our friends' houses. Even the moms didn't say much. But now family feels like this cohesive actual family that's in this adventure together. And I love that. So I received the following email from a mom and I thought it was really helpful. And watch how it reinforces the theme today, that we want our kids to have ownership and investment in their own life. She said, Kirk, no one ever gave me permission to listen to parenting information with my kids around.

22:56And she said, I have very little free time when my kids aren't around. And after they go to bed, I just want to relax. The fact that you encouraged us to listen to your programs with our kids totally freed me. Before, I'd been under the impression that parenting was like being the Wizard of Oz. We show our kids the great and powerful Oz, but try to hide the vulnerable human behind the curtain. I hadn't even realized that I was thinking that way until last night. Why not let my kids see me trying to improve my parenting? What a great lesson to teach them. Relationships require effort, and we have to work to make them better.

23:35I can show them that I love myself and them enough to put effort into our relationship. Plus, as you pointed out, they can see that their inner struggles and our conflicts at home aren't isolated. Everybody deals with fears and anxiety, and we need to learn better how to deal with them. So thank you for that advice. I got your full set of programs with a Black Friday sale and love listening while I make dinner with the kids or when I am out driving them around. It leads to such great conversations. Well done, Mom. See, I love this idea. It's kind of like replacing the behavior chart with the trigger board.

24:17Everybody in the family is working on their issues and growing up together. It normalizes that we all have triggers. We're all responsible for our responses. I love when parents let their kids listen to the podcast and then to our programs. And so what do you want to begin doing differently, son or daughter. All right, you have your mission this week. Step back, give your kids ownership of their choices. This is, by the way, final weekend, Black Friday sale, celebratecualm.com. If you need some help with that, if you ever need help financially, email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at celebratecualm.com if you need help with that.

24:57All right, much respect and love to you all. Bye-bye.