Tough Questions Moms Ask: Aggressive Child, Negative Self-Talk, Teen Expectations, Kids Interrupting You & More #590

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1:00Rules and restrictions may apply. So here's another awkward but fun moment hiking in Bryce Canyon. This nice couple stops us and says, hey, aren't you the cozy earth guy? And I laugh because I'm the Calm Parenting Podcast guy. But they've heard me say we live in our cozy earth. And we did have on our cozy earth bamboo shorts, socks, and a jogger shirt that day, which is no different than every other day. The awesome thing is once you feel the heavenly comfort of cozy earth bamboo draping you in luxurious comfort, you'll find yourself wearing the joggers and the clogs to run errands and meet with friends.

1:37After the hike or a long day running your kids around, nothing feels more soothing than slipping into cozy earth joggers and clogs. It's like getting a relaxing massage. Cozy earth goes where your day goes. Head to CozyEarth.com. Use code CALM for 20 % off. Please mention that you heard about Cozy Earth from the CALM Parenting Guy. That's CozyEarth.com slash CALM or code CALM for 20 % off. Around this time of year, a lot of our kids kind of get stuck in school. They're just tired and shut down. So I encourage you to check out IXL to jumpstart your child's love for learning. IXL is an online learning program that can be used by any student from K-12, whether they're struggling in a particular subject or homeschooling.

2:26IXL uses engaging video tutorials and positive learning games that teach your kids the way they learn best and give your kids control over how they learn and what they learn about. And you know our kids love that. Your kids can explore any topic in any grade level. Our kids thrive on positive feedback and IXL consistently reinforces success. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price.

3:08So in today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I am going to answer tough questions moms ask. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin. You can find our ad-free option for the podcast and our Mother's Day sale at celebratecalm.com. And please join us on Instagram at calmparentingpodcast. So let's jump into this. So first question, Kirk, it really bothers me when I hear my child talking himself down when something goes wrong. If something he is making or building doesn't turn out the way he expects it to, he'll call himself ugly or stupid. If someone takes the ball from him while playing soccer, he will get very angry and then say he's not good.

3:46So five points. Number one, understand this is an essential part of their nature and who they are. You have kids who came out of the womb in tents. This is how they were born. It is how they have always been. They have a vision of what they want to accomplish. They think about it over and over. Now, they're not going to think about chores or anything you want them to do. But when they're motivated inside, they want to build something, man, they think it through. And it sometimes dominates their thoughts as they think through different options, and then they throw themselves into their mission.

4:19So it is highly personal to them. So when a project inevitably doesn't go as planned, they don't just say, oh, darn, or I'm so grateful for an opportunity to do it over again. What a wonderful learning experience. No, their response is intense. And I wrote about this in the PDA Parent Program, so I'm just going to quote that. These kids wake up in the morning with ideas and a mission of something they want to create or build or explore. This requires a lot of thinking, creativity, and innovation. They are single-minded in wanting to carry out that mission. That means thinking through different options, prioritizing what is important, and deciding what is not.

5:05potentially making incorrect decisions and then adjusting, taking risks, problem-solving issues along the way, and then painstakingly making sure the details are correct, that everything is just as they had envisioned it. This takes an enormous amount of emotional and mental energy. They put a lot of demands on themselves internally. This is intensified by the fact that what they are creating is highly personal and so the stakes are high. This is their actual creation, the fruit of their energy. It is a reflection of not just what they are doing but who they are. So if the project doesn't go as planned, they can get extremely upset and their reactions can be very intense.

5:59Why? Because it's often a direct reflection of who they are and it even defines the best part of their identity. Think about this. I'm not always good at behavior or chores or grades or sports, So my confidence and self-worth depend on my creations being excellent. Does that make sense? If you do have a child who has the qualities associated with PDA, do check out the PDA Parent Podcast. Just go to celebratecom.com. You'll see the PDA tab. And I'm going to be adding an episode on kids who feel wrong by others and misperceive what others think about them. Number two, use this to learn what your kids care about.

6:46I actually really like this quality in our kids. Why? Because it means they care. They get upset because they actually care about what they're actually, what they are focused on. The hard part for you is they don't always care about homework, cleaning up messes, hygiene, chores, or listening the first or 15th time. But if you will lean into this instead of being anxious about their response or fearing the meltdown, you can learn how to understand them and enter into their world. It's a clue that you need to pay attention to and cultivate this trait because it's what's important to them. Number three, you know this already, use intense validation.

7:29When something goes wrong, instead of saying, oh, it's okay, honey, say something like, oh, man, I'd be really frustrated, too. You put a lot of effort into that. It didn't turn out the way you wanted. That's disappointing. Then give your child some space. I always like saying, you know, I need to go to the bathroom. I got to get some water. Let me know if you want some help when I get back. That intensity is calming, and the space is good because they don't want you standing over them watching them. Number four, help your kids see this as a positive trait instead of some flaw. Look, the fact that you get so upset about this means you're conscientious.

8:07You care about doing a good job. When an activity means a lot to you, you put in your best effort and you care about it turning out well. That's a great trait. Now, what I taught my son is it also means you're going to react with intensity when things don't turn out the way you had planned. And sometimes you'll rip up or destroy a project, but then you regret it. And I've done that in my own life before. So what we want to learn how to do, Casey, is maximize all of your intensity and focus and care without letting it control you. That way you can separate frustration over the project you're working on from frustration with yourself.

8:54And to be honest, I wish someone had taught me this about myself. For years, I beat myself up inside and almost shamed myself over my intensity. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I just needed to be some chill person. But our intensity is part of who we are. We just need to learn how to use the good aspects while minimizing the negative ones. And number five, give it time. Let your kids mature. Some of these things just change. Look, when we were kids, our parents weren't that involved. They didn't even notice these traits. Some of these traits just gradually diminish throughout the natural process of maturing with age and experience.

9:37But we as parents today, we're so involved with our kids, we're hyper aware of everything good and bad. And as good parents, we want to immediately address every issue we see in our kids. but some things just take time and maturity. Okay, teenage daughter help. So a mom messaged me urgently requesting a phone consultation and I have to say I'm really proud of her response and I'm proud of my response and I'm curious what you think. So here's what the mom said. We desperately need to talk to you about our 15-year-old daughter. I wake up at night thinking I only have two more years to get this right before she goes off to college.

10:17We struggle so much with pushing her to be involved in school. And we go from being angry and lecturing to then feeling bad and spoiling her. It's my biggest anxiety. She is just not pushing herself when it comes to extracurriculars. She has amazing grades. She's such a well-spoken young lady. but she'd rather die before joining a sport or club without her best friend slash safety blanket by her side. I often hold back tears when I go places and see other young girls, ladies, participating in opportunities, and I get so sad feeling like my daughter is missing out. So I took a chance, trusted my gut, and this was my response.

11:03So honest question for you. What if you pay all that money for a phone call and I tell you that it's really your issue and that your daughter is a happy young woman with amazing grades, so you need to accept this and stop trying to change her to suit your preferences. And that will allow you to enjoy your final two years with her at home instead of constantly feeling like you need to fix or change her. and then I braced for the mom's response because that was kind of blunt but it was true and to her credit this mom replied thank you that is an answer to prayer and I was like well done and she gave me more insight and said you know my soft-spoken husband recently pointed out that I take jabs at my daughter and words cut and I told him that I don't know why it hurts so bad and why I get so upset seeing friends, kids doing and participating in so many things.

12:04And then the mom answered her own question. Growing up, my mom would often define me by the things that I was doing as opposed to who I am. And she said, you're correct. I have a daughter who's so kind. Adults love her. She's navigated teen friendships very well and stays out of drama. She still wants to come to talk to me and tell me everything. And I know how huge that is. And I've teetered on breaking it. See, it sounds like right now I reply back like, look, you raised a great daughter. She's conscientious and liked by others. So spend the next two years enjoying her as she is right now. She'll eventually blossom and step out of her comfort zone a bit when she is ready.

12:53but you can't force her. And so this is an opportunity to heal your own subtle and not so subtle wounds that you received as a child. See, you get to give your daughter the unqualified acceptance you never received from your own mom. So super proud of you all for doing this hard work, But just notice all that parental anxiety, that's our real enemy. So another one. My daughter has been the one picking on a neighborhood boy. When I called her on it, she said, well, girls are usually the ones getting picked on. So it was justified. And we're mystified on how to handle this and thought about making her copy scriptures down, but decided not to do that.

13:39What's your take? So look, when we did camps back in the day, it was mostly boys. and parents of girls would ask if their daughter would be able to handle a class of boys. And we always found that like one strong-willed girl had the tenacity and toughness of 10 boys. So look, you're right to be upset at your daughter's response justifying this. But, no, not a but, no but there. You're right to be upset. She is right about girls being picked on in the past and you can acknowledge that. It doesn't change that what she did was wrong, but never be afraid to acknowledge that truth instead of dismissing it.

14:20Our kids are often very literal and they have a high need for justice. So don't dismiss things like that just because they were wrong in another area. Or your child will just get fixated on your bad point and they'll dig in and they'll miss the larger point. So also, thank you for not weaponizing scripture. I don't like when parents equate God with punishment and it's almost like you're using God as the bad guy. That's not really good for their future. So in these cases, I favor kids doing service projects or something kind for the person they've hurt. It's repair, it's restitution, it's service.

15:01That tends to make it more personal. It makes the victim more human. And instead of copying down scripture, just writing a standard apology, they have to interact with the person that they hurt and do something thoughtful. That requires humility and compassion, which is, I think, that's what we're all after. So, and then hopefully, there's forgiveness and bonding on the other side of this. So I would give some thought to some kind of service project or kind of act of service your daughter could do as an action step. Okay, what do you do when your kids interrupt you while talking with your spouse or on the phone?

15:43And how do you handle a child who lies or becomes physically aggressive? You know I like being stress-free. That's why we rely on our Cove Home Security System. It's simple, affordable, gives us peace of mind. Keeping family safe used to mean expensive installation and complicated long-term contracts. Not anymore. I installed our Cove system myself in 30 minutes. I'm not even handy. Cove has easy peel and stick sensors, no drilling, no wires, and professional monitoring with rapid response starting at less than a dollar a day. So if you're on vacation or your kids are home alone or if we're out hiking a mountain, Cove has live video and audio streaming straight to your phone so you can see what's happening in real time.

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17:16And it only takes minutes to prepare, leaving more time to enjoy your kids. Last night, we devoured the chicken curry bowl with stir-fried veggies. Boom. Delicious meal, 13 minutes of prep time, no waste, simple cleanup, more stress-free family time. You're going to love Hunger Root as much as we do. So go to hungerroot.com slash calm. Use code calm to get 40 % off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. That's hungerroot.com slash calm. Code calm to get 40 % off your first box. That's hungerroot.com slash calm code calm. So here's a common question. My daughter freaks out when I'm talking on the phone.

17:58She always wants to know who I'm talking to or she butts into conversations between me and my husband. So look, here's the conversation I would have with your daughter and I'm going to have a little fun with this so you may not actually do this, but I really love this. Hey Sarah, so we have boundaries in this home. I get to talk to dad alone because he's my husband. I don't have to tell you who I'm on the phone with. Those are boundaries. But if you don't want to live with boundaries, then I'm all over that. I can't wait for tomorrow because I'm going to ride the bus to school with you and sit right next to you.

18:31We can walk down the hall together and I'll hold your hand. Lunch is going to be a blast eating with you and your friends. And the best part is going to be after school. When I can text with your friends all afternoon, I can't wait. And I promise she'll probably walk away and say, fine, mom, keep your stupid boundaries. Sometimes you just have to call your child's bluff. You don't have to do long explanations. Here's the related one. What do I do when my kids constantly interrupt me to boys when I'm talking on the phone? This is a slightly different way. Hey, boys, in our home, we follow the golden rule.

19:07And that says treat others the way you want to be treated. So what you're telling me is that you want to be interrupted when you are watching your favorite TV show or playing your favorite video games. And then you go and do it. Follow through. Stand right in front of the screen and talk, talk, talk. Now, here's the thing. I'm not doing it in order to escalate or getting back like, you know what? You interrupt me on the phone. I'm going to interrupt you when you're doing something you enjoy. There's no snottiness. I'm just letting them know this is how we roll in our home and you have a choice in this and you chose this.

19:46Look, so I would just do it because some kids, they don't really get the message until they experience it. By the way, an awesome way to get your kids to leave you and your spouse alone is just start like kissing in front of them. It will so gross them out and it may just spark some closeness between you. If that's a problem, go through the Calm Couples program. I just updated that as well. Okay, physically aggressive child. And I'm going to do an abridged version of my answer here. So let me hit the key points. Whenever I hear of a child being aggressive, my first questions are these. How is the child's relationship with himself or herself?

20:23Are they constantly beating themselves up? What's the relationship with their dad? Because this can cause a lot of internal conflict and self-sabotage as kids get older. Do you as the parent struggle with emotional and physical self-control. Do you lose it? In this case, the parents had a little guy who's irritated and threatened by the new baby that just took his place as king of the home. Look, I'd be jealous too. This is pretty common. Never try to convince the older child, oh, you and your new baby brother or sister, you're going to be best friends one day. Well, that's not always true. And now you're dismissing your child's perspective and you're putting pressure on them to be best friends.

21:06I'd rather shift the perspective from him being in competition with his new sibling to having his own secure space and place in the family. So create some special missions or challenges he can help you with that the new baby can't do. I have no problem with saying, oh man, I could really use your help. Look, you're the big brother, not new baby can't do anything you're in a sense calling your child alongside to be part of the grown-up team instead of being in competition with the baby and I give lots of positive intensity to that do a lot of physical sensory challenges like helping you push a sofa from the wall move some bags of mulch or whatever is appropriate for their age replace the negative intensity they usually get, right?

22:02Because they're going to like, sometimes they're going to just, they're going to lash out. They're going to hit, maybe hit you. They may take things out on the new baby. And so obviously you're going to come and say, you can't do that, but replace that with the very positive, big intensity when they make a different choice. Because if your child moves that sofa, for example, take a picture or video, send that to the other parent or even a grandparent. And when the other parent gets home, they can say, wait, did you really move that all by yourself? Seriously, let me see your guns, your muscles.

22:37Hey, is this video real? Are you really that strong? Man, I'm so proud of you. Make sure when family members come to visit before darting right for the adorable baby, they stop and say, man, I've heard you've been doing some amazing grown-up things. Spend some time with him first before getting drooled on by the new baby. I would look for an opportunity for your kids to get good sensory pressure and exercise. That means climbing, crawling, lifting, pulling, pushing things appropriately. Lots of sensory pressure can be very settling. If you can make a little obstacle course for your child to go through in the backyard or basement, that could be really helpful.

23:20martial arts swimming gymnastics rock climbing all really good for that you could do something fun right you have a game if the uh if uh the child did push-ups or another physical activity instead of getting upset right that could be jumping rope obstacle course climbing instead of hitting or lashing out well then when the parents get home and i like making this for dad then dad has to do twice the number of push-ups. See, now there's connection. There's positive intensity. There's a big emotional reward for doing an alternative action. And if you struggle with this, if you have our programs, go through the Discipline That Works program.

24:02I just updated that with a lot more on aggression. Okay, lying kids. So most of us have impulsive kids who do something they're not supposed to do. And then they lie when asked about it. That's as old as human nature, right? And it's not just the fact that they're lying a Rhodes trust with you. But when we overreact or lecture, when your kids admit that they did something wrong, well, they learn they can't trust you. So they begin to hide things or blame others. So this is really cool. Dad emailed and said, a couple weeks ago, my teenager lied to me. She'd reached up into the parents section of the pantry.

24:41By the way, I love that you have a parent section there. And she touched some of my special jam. Because I was thinking like, okay, do you have alcohol up there? What do you have up there in the parent section? But it's like special jam. Cool. So I knew that neither my wife nor I had touched the jar recently. And my daughter had left a big smear of jam on the cover. That's one the great thing about our kids who are kind of messy like that? It's like they're not going to cover their tracks. So when I brought it up, she swore that it wasn't her. And I didn't want to escalate the situation or call her a liar.

25:17So I said nothing. A few days later, I listened to one of your programs about dealing with lying, and I decided to practice one thing. So I tried it out first with my six-year-old son. I told him I wanted to be able to listen to him tell me things that he thought would upset me without getting upset and would he help me practice and he said it went great he told me about some trouble he'd gotten into at school and I listened listened and I asked him what he thought he could do better next time and that was it see I loved that so today I'm dropping my teenager off at school and I tell her the same thing that I'm working on by the way see how cool that is instead of making your kids defensive it's like hey I need to work on this because I tend to overreact.

26:07Can you help me with that? Now you're being vulnerable. You're leading by example. That is literally the best teaching that you can do in life. There's no lecture about integrity and breaking. So she said nothing for a minute. Then she told me something about her and a friend finding a lighter on the street and playing with it and we laughed about that. And then she brought up the jam. She said she'd wanted to take some. She even put the knife in the jar but then she had decided against it and put it back. But when I'd asked about it originally she just kind of froze and freaked out. And I thanked her for letting me know.

26:48And I asked her, well what's the worst thing that would have happened if you had told me the truth. And she said, well, at worst, I'd have asked her to replace the jam with her allowance. And then the dad asked, what do you think was the cost of eroding trust between us by lying? And she said it was probably a whole lot more than the cost of the jam. And I told her that I hope we could practice this new thing, that we could work through whatever happens as a result. You know, when I was saying that, I almost teared up because I'm like, how cool is that of this dad who was justified, who had every right to go in guns blazing and lay in turf or lying and breaking trust.

27:31And instead, he's teaching her and he's coming alongside of her. And that's building trust. That's teaching. That's discipline. That's beautiful. And that said, thank you for giving me a playbook where I've never had one. That's the goal. to give you a roadmap, a playbook with scripts and action steps to handle the toughest situations. And the downloadable programs, they go into so much more detail than I can do on a podcast, and they make the changes stick. So thank you, moms and dads. Thank you for working so hard at this. Look, tomorrow can be very different from today in your home, but it starts with you.

28:09It starts with us. So if you're interested, take advantage of the Mother's Day sale at CelebrateCalm.com. if you have any questions or if you need financial help email Casey C-A-S-E-Y celebrate calm.com we will help you out okay much respect much love to you all thank thank you guys for being so awesome isn't this just beautiful how everyday people are changing their relationships and doing this work it's really really cool