Tough Toddler, Teen & In-Between Behavior Issues #559

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1:28And no matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way they learn best while meeting them at their level. So whether your child needs extra help with a class or wants to work ahead, IXL provides the positive feedback our kids crave. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So you have kids who are going to do things in a way that really irritates you.

2:13You have kids who are going to do things in a way that you don't approve of or not the way you want them to. Your little kids, when they clean up a mess, they use good clothes, clean clothes to do it. Or two kids are using really your nice pillows off the sofa in order to body slam each other outside, ruining the pillows. A daughter cuts her bangs. Your teen or tween stays up all night long to do a project. And I have a challenge for you this week. I want you to be able to turn irritating situations into bonding ones. And I had this fantastic story I've been waiting for weeks to share with you.

2:52So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our winter sale at celebratecalm.com. So here's such a cool story. Now this is for older kids, but then I will apply this to toddlers, elementary age, whatever ages your kids are. So a mom had written and told me this story. She said, I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw that the light was on in my daughter's bedroom at 2 a.m. and I knew it was happening. She was up completing a project that should have been completed many days before.

3:36And she said, I was so frustrated with her and I wanted to go in and I wanted to lecture her and get all over her. But instead, she said, I actually went to my bathroom. I pulled up the app with your programs and I just started listening because I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. I knew I needed to reset. And I found this section where you were kind of talking about this. And she said, I went back to sleep and I got up in the morning. Now, here's what the mom said she wanted to say. You know what, honey? If you would have just started on Tuesday, you would have had it done on time. You need to learn to be more organized and proactive, and I can actually show you how to do that.

4:17You know what? You're going to be tired all day long and probably crabby now. There is no need for you to stay up all night like that. That's what your child is expecting to hear. And 999 ,999 parents will handle it that way. I want you to be the one who is different. So here's what this amazing mom did because she fought her own anxiety and control issues and all of those feelings of like, why does my daughter have to do it like this? Why does she make things so difficult on herself? And why does she cause me so much anxiety? Instead, the mom got up. Her daughter came downstairs. She gave her daughter a fist bump and said, you know what?

5:10That was clutch. You got your project done. You stayed up. in the till the middle of the night when it was done you were conscientious you cared about it enough to battle being tired and staying up you were focused late at night you got it done and I'm proud of you and she said the look on her daughter's face was priceless and her daughter said but mom aren't you mad at me and the mom said look I some of this you're just gonna have to fight through because inside you are frustrated and irritated. But the mom said, why would I be mad at you? You got it done. You just didn't do it the way I would have done it, but you did get it done.

6:01You were clutch. You came through under pressure. You were focused and conscientious. It's well done. And mom walked away. Now, here is the really cool thing and why I have been waiting because what I told the mom is your daughter will eventually come to you and say, mom, I don't want to be up till the middle of the night every time doing these. Can you help me? Well, it is now three weeks later, which is not bad because I told the mom it could be three months. It could be sometimes it could be three years from now. But the daughter came to her because she had said along the way, hey, mom, she can always say, hey, look, if you need some help with that, If you want to learn how to organize and do that, just let me know sometime.

6:47And then you walk out of the room. Well, here's what's really cool. The daughter finally came to her after this happened a couple more times and said, Mom, I'm tired of doing it this way. Can you help me with this? And this was really cool. Now the daughter's asking for help. Remember, we've talked about that in a lecturing series we did about drawing your kids so that they come asking you. And so the mom gave her the ADHD university program and said, honey, I think this is gonna help you. And they've had talks about like, hey, this isn't a disorder. There's nothing wrong with your brain. It just works differently.

7:30And time management will probably never be your strong suit, but you have to learn how to manage your energy because you work on momentum. them. You're a highly sensitive person, so you feel things deeply. And so they had this amazing talk now about how the daughter's brain works. They had a great talk about the fact that the mom's brain works in a very different way. And she's kind of more of a left-brained, very, very project manager person. And so what the mom said is, previously, it would have just been her lecturing, getting on her daughter. Her daughter would have shut down. Once again, felt like I'm a failure.

8:12I can never please my parents. I'm not as good as my brother. And instead they're having this conversation. Now the daughter is starting to take ownership over this herself because she's understanding how her brain works. So I know when I go through this, there's going to be questions. Well, aren't you just excusing her behavior? And answer is no. The daughter in this situation already knows that it's suboptimal to wait until the last night to wait until 2 a.m. But what she didn't realize and didn't know was she does this for a couple reasons. One, you're really sensitive kids. They're sensitive all the chaos and commotion in the house.

8:51And sometimes they stay up late at night because that's after everybody goes to bed and they can think more clearly. They can process information more clearly when it's kind of just quiet like that. and there's also a brain stimulation issue. Procrastination is a tool. It's not always my favorite or the best tool but it is an effective tool because when you procrastinate and wait till the last minute now you have a very definitive time limit and there's pressure and that adrenaline rush brings blood flow to the brain and actually helps you concentrate. So now watch the mom is getting to teach her daughter this is why you did it it's not because you're lazy and careless and you don't follow through it's like no this is this is how your brain works but now i can teach you a way to get that brain stimulation in more productive and healthy ways so you don't have to wait until last night till two o 'clock in the morning see and there's also like well aren't you going to give her a consequence Well, no, she already has a consequence, which is she is tired.

10:04There's no need to pile on here on this child. And here's what's really cool. The mom in this case, you just spoke truth. You said, hey, you did come through in the last minute. You were conscientious and focused at 2 a.m. You got it done. and that allowed her, because the mom was able to step out of her own anxiety over like, oh, is my daughter always going to do this? What's it going to be like in the future? And the own anxiety of like, I really want the job done more quickly because sometimes as parents, it's like, please get that done because then I can kind of mentally check it off of my list.

10:45And she had to step out of her own control issues over how she would do it. And that's really powerful. And then guess what happens? Now, a few weeks later, I know we wanted the daughter that day to say, Mother, could you please show me a different way to do my projects? It came, but it came a few weeks later when the daughter was ready. I love that. So what if you have younger kids? Let's go through some different situations. And I want to give you some insight that's really important for your strong will kids for you to understand them. So here's another kind of real life example. of these two boys who they like to wrestle a lot.

11:29And one day when no one was looking, they took the good pillows off the sofa and they got duct tape and they tied the pillows to themselves so they could go outside and wrestle and throw themselves against each other without getting hurt. Well, what happens? Well, they kind of ruined the pillows and they were all dirty. And so the natural response of any parent is, what were you guys, what were you thinking? Like, what were you thinking? Now you ruined my pillows. And see that now we go down that negative route. So does that mean we just say, you know, guys, I love when you ruin my stuff. No, but my first step is to just control myself for a moment and get the larger picture, larger perspective.

12:15That's partly why I like to be calm is because it slows my world down inside so I can see situations in a different way. There will be a consequence for this. But the first thing I want to tell my kids is, hey, awesome job being outside playing together. Because how many of us, we complain, they're on their screens all the time. Why won't you go out and play? And then when they do go out and play, they don't do it in a way you want because they get dirty and messy or they throw something at a neighbor's house. So, hey, you guys were outside playing. That was really smart. You knew that you were going to throw yourselves at each other and wrestle, so you did it in a really safe way.

12:56That's a really creative solution to that. Well done. And again, just think, your kids, they don't think things through. That's why consequences are very limited, especially for younger kids, because they don't stop in that moment and think, huh let's think this through brother or sister do you think mom or dad will be upset at us if we do they don't they're impulsive because that's what you're supposed to be when you're a kid impulsive and go do stuff and so they know after they get done playing when mom or dad comes out the pillows are ruined so when you first come out you're like hey nice job playing outside that was smart.

13:39You didn't get hurt. Very creative. It's like, here's another part before we get to the consequence. It gives you some insight. These are kids who have some sensory processing needs. It makes their bodies feel settled in order to get that physical pressure. So that gives you an opportunity now to say, hey, if I don't want my kids using the pillows, throwing themselves at each other. I can sign them up for martial arts class, getting involved in rock climbing. Just had a parent whose son wanted to do ballet. And just think about that. Just think in ballet, how intense that is and that physical pressure on your body.

14:22Man, that's really, really healthy. Swimming, ice hockey, which our son did because he liked to throw himself at other kids. You know, shoveling mulch in the backyard. Doing that heavy work is really good for them. Now, you don't just have to be some permissive parenting. Oh, I just love it when my boys are creative and destroy my house. It's not what I'm saying. So at the end of this, you can say, hey, guys, love your creativity. Love how that happened. But you just ruined, destroyed the two pillows. And so you're going to have to do some chores around the house in order to earn some money to pay for replacement pillows.

15:03There's nothing mean about that. There's nothing that's appropriate. Because you did encourage them. You recognized all the good things. But you're also saying, hey, next time, think it through a little bit more. Or come tell me, hey, mom, we want to throw ourselves at each other. You got a better way to do that without ruining your pillows. You could also go to a thrift store, which I love. and buy stuff there that they can now use or have them buy it because it's really cheap there so that in the future when they want to do things and destroy something, it's just something you got from a thrift store.

15:42What about the same thing like little girl or little boy? This was me when I was a little kid. I don't know why. When I was a little kid, I got scissors and I just cut my hair. And then I hid in the cabinet underneath the sink. My mom couldn't find me. This is back in the day, like parents had like, she had like four boys within six years. So she lost count of us. But anyway, same thing, right? Like daughter made a mess trying to cut her bangs. They're not going to look right. So child's going to be embarrassed. You might be embarrassed. And again, you come in. And in this case, I'm a little bit curious.

16:17And instead of honey, what were you thinking? Now we're going to have to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's not everything is shame because sometimes when kids make bad choices, is like, hey, you just made a bad decision. There's no shame there, but there's a consequence for that. That's perfectly fine. But in this case, I'd be curious about it. Like, why did you want to cut your bangs? Was it the sensory feel of it? Was it just that it was something new and you were bored? Figure that out. But there's different ways you can handle these situations. There's like little kids who get food out and they just make their own dinner or their own meal.

16:53Well, what happens? they're going to make a mess out of everything they're probably not going to do it the right way it's like the toddler who puts twist ties in his shoes so he doesn't have to learn how to tie his shoes your kids just do things in different ways and so this coming week what I want you to do is pause just stop before you react it doesn't mean you're going to be inside like I just love that my kids make messes and do things wrong but with a kid who made something say hey I like your initiative I like the creativity I like that you are wanting to be independent that's what it is I like that you wanted to be independent and do this yourself now there's going to be a mess all over the counter and instead of this is my own personal opinion you have every right to say hey you made the mess you clean it up but my experience says strong will kids are just not going to do that.

17:48So you put on some music and say, you know what? Let's celebrate your independence and your creativity and that you gave that a shot. I'll help you clean up, which means you're going to do most of it. And then I can show you and start teaching you how to cook for yourself. In these situations now, you're starting to teach your kids how to be responsible for themselves. the girl that stayed up till 2 a.m. Just think of what we learned from that and how we were able to build her up and say, hey, you are clutch under pressure and then teaching her how her brain works. I want you to do that with your little kids.

18:29Hey, here's why you did that because you have a natural need for your brain to be stimulated so you can either do it this way, hitting your brother but you're just going to lose your stuff and get in trouble or if you've got a really big heart, I can show you different ways to get brain stimulation doing something else. So here's the insight. So let's try that this week. Here's the insight I want to give you into these kids. And it's not enough to do like an entire podcast on it, but it relates to this. Your kids will often, stronghold kids will often choose a different area in which to excel in life.

19:07And I'll give you an example. So growing up, I was a really good athlete playing ball sports. So of course, I've become a dad, got a son, I want him to play ball sports. Guess what? He's not very good at it. He ends up choosing ice hockey, which is skating, and he skis really well. Guess what are two things I'm not good at doing? Skating and skiing. Now, did he do that on purpose? I don't know. I think it's probably subconscious because I've noticed this in most of the families that I've worked with is the child will choose an area that's their own. Because you know what my son knew is no matter what he did, he would never really be able to please me or live up to my expectations with ball sports because I was really into it.

19:53So he chose other areas. And now I can't lecture him. It's not me teaching him how to do those things. it's actually the reverse which is he's teaching me how to ski and so so you'll find I found this in families sometimes where you have like two highly educated parents right both doctors or have master's degrees doctorates the child knows look I can never I can never exceed your expectations I can't even live up to them and so they kind of shut down because they want their own area. So what I encourage you to do is, one is be aware of that and let your kids shine in an area that is not yours.

20:39And I also want to encourage you this week, let's pick a behavior or a situation that comes up or that irritates you a lot. Flip around the script in your brain from, from why can't they do it my way? Why do they always have to do it this way? And begin doing a couple things. One is ask why do they do it the way they do it? Slow your world down. Be a detective this week. You will learn about what motivates your child, about how their brains work, so that you can work with their nature. And instead of letting your own anxiety and control issues dump all over them so that they feel like the bad kid or the kid who can never please you, now look at situations and say, ah, that's why they're doing it that way.

21:27Because if you can acknowledge that and affirm that and then teach your child and say, oh, I know exactly why you're laying upside down off the sofa. Because when you do that, blood flow rushes to your brain. That's actually really good for your brain and it helps you concentrate. Here are five other ways in order to, you can stimulate your brain and do homework more easily. this is why you stay up late at night that procrastination do that this week and then what happens is your kids begin to look to you as a source of wisdom as someone they trust because you're just not commenting all the time on negative what they're doing wrong you're saying oh man i never thought to do it that way now i figured out why you do that be curious and say I am curious.

22:18Why did you do it that way? Because it seems to work for you. It's just different than I would do it. Now you can problem solve and teach them. Okay, you've got your goal. Find an irritating behavior, flip the script around, and let's begin affirming and teaching our kids. I do encourage you, let your kids listen to the podcast. If you have our programs on the app, we can even, if you have older kids who have their own phone, we can send Casey's Straight Talk for Kids program, the ADHD University program, the Stronghold Child program, any of them. We can send them directly to your child or just play them in the car because then your kids begin to hear, oh, that guy's describing me.

23:01That's how my brain works. So there's nothing wrong with my brain. No, it just works differently than other kids do or the teacher's brain works or mine works. So how can we do this the way it works for you have those discussions it's really cool okay moms and dads respect you so much for working so hard to change if we can help you in any way let us know okay love you all talk to you soon bye